Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
‘I feel like I’m in a cage and people are watching me eat,’ I say to Old Nick as I peer out of this igloo on to the water, passers-by looking over curiously from the docks.
‘They’re just focused on me, don’t worry,’ he says, smiling and giving a regal wave to the people looking on.
I giggle and he reaches under the table to hold my hand, kissing my shoulder and cuddling me in close.
This is the problem with this Nick, it’s how he pulls me in with big romantic gestures like these.
Let’s go for dinner, he said. Something on the water.
So we walked down to Canary Wharf and I thought we were going to get tacos but suddenly we were on a floating igloo, decorated in fairy lights, a cute ceramic fondue pot at the centre of the table.
It’s romance, and let’s be frank, it’s super cheesy.
‘I don’t really know what’s driving this?’ I ask him, looking around at the plastic roof. Even though there’s a soundtrack of jingly Christmas music playing, it’s hard to not also hear the lashing of the water off the sides of this fancy dinghy we’re on.
‘I think they’re remote controlled so we won’t float out to sea,’ he reassures me.
‘That would be a great story though. Remember that time we ended up in the North Sea in that blow-up boat.’
‘We had to make the fondue last for days…’ he says.
I laugh. Possibly a little too loudly as we’re in an enclosed space, but deep down, I know I do this out of guilt too.
Here’s Nick who is not just taking me out to dinner and a movie.
He’s thinking about our dates, he’s really spoiling me, looking after me, treating me to all that this glorious city can offer.
It’s luxury I’ve never experienced and all of it is completely enthralling, such a special gift in a way.
However, two days ago, I also spent an afternoon with Santa Nick and I can’t help but think he slowly revealed himself to me in ways that he hadn’t done before.
Not like that. I still have only ever seen him clothed, but there was the way he instantly connected with my nana, his ability to charm his way around that room was endearing, his empathy completely floored me.
But I have to turn away. It’s the right thing to do.
Because he’s a man who I do book stuff with, we don’t even hug or shake hands, and right in front of me is a man in a floating boat investing time and energy into me, into us. I have to give this Nick a chance.
I tuck my hair behind my ear. ‘I’m wearing the earrings by the way,’ I say, showing them off and he beams, putting a hand to my cheek.
Maybe this too is the difference between the Nicks.
The natural way with which he comes in to touch me, the intimacy we’ve shared since we met where there’s been no hesitation.
We know each other, we search each other out physically when we’re together.
I know this man. In a world of relationship labels, all I know is that being here with him feels right.
‘God, your hand is frozen…’ I say as I put my hand over it.
‘I didn’t plan. Stupid me to think they’d have a log fire on a rubber boat,’ he jokes.
I slide in closer to him and place my blanket over him. ‘They also gave us hot-water bottles,’ I say, handing him one.
‘And nothing screams sexy like a hot-water bottle down the pants,’ he jokes, his bottom jaw chattering. ‘Remember that date I took you on and I got hypothermia.’
‘You grew icicles off your hair, all Leo in Titanic.’
‘Didn’t the boat sink in that one?’ he says, winding his arms through mine.
‘Yeah, the difference is if we sink I reckon I can breaststroke it to a ladder over there. I reckon I could also save the fondue.’
‘And not me…?’ he says.
‘Women and fondue first.’
His laughter is everything but I like the way it makes him feel more connected to me as he scooches in close, trying to extract all my bodily warmth.
It’s possibly not the candlelit glowing romantic moment he envisaged but there is something special about being able to look up to the stars and enjoy being in each other’s company.
‘You mentioned you saw your nana,’ he says, as we continue to look skyward. ‘Did she enjoy the hamper?’
I won’t tell him she gifted the posh tea to the nursing-home medium.
‘She did.’ I sit there for a second wondering what else to say.
She’s poorly, Nick. Her mind meanders and can’t find the memories and my biggest fear is that she’ll forget the love I feel for her, that her light will diminish so quickly and so catastrophically that it may consume me.
But I don’t want to share it at this time, I’m not sure why. ‘It was very kind of you and generous.’
‘Well, we all deserve treats this time of year. I’m glad.’
His eyes return to the earrings, getting out his phone. ‘I knew they’d suit you. Come, we should get a selfie, maybe?’
‘OK?’ I say, half reluctantly but also a little surprised that he would want to do something to record the occasion so publicly. This is what couples do, I guess. I get into the frame and pose, watching as he adds it to his Instagram story. ‘Date night x’ reads the caption. I smile.
‘Also, I think we should talk about the earrings too,’ he says, nudging me, jokingly.
Instinctively, we both know what he’s talking about.
After the very grand gesture of Santa gifting me that little box, and assuming he was assisting a proposal, neither of us talked about it.
We continued to shop, we had the most incredible sushi, we went back to his flat, we had sex.
We’ve even shared a bath together and it wasn’t discussed.
We didn’t talk about that little moment at all.
‘I didn’t bring it up last time because…
well, we were trying to thaw you out but just to check, were you expecting a—’
‘No,’ I say, cutting him off instantly. ‘Dude, it’s literally been weeks.
I wasn’t even expecting the whole Santa thing.
I was not expecting a…’ We laugh as neither of us can even say the word.
It was a twist of fate that brought us back together and our time together has been unexpected, but it’s far too early to project into the future yet.
‘I mean, when we spoke at the ice rink, you did talk about our kids, so I was a little unsure,’ I joke.
He chuckles softly. ‘I’ll take that. But… if we were to talk about this, what it is, where we’re going?’
I look into his eyes. I think they’re reading hopeful and it pains me to say anything he might not want to hear on open water.
‘Headed towards the Thames?’ I joke. He reaches down below the blanket and grabs my hand. ‘Fun, I think we’re having fun.’
‘Fun,’ he says deliberately.
‘Did you want honesty?’ I ask.
‘Always,’ he says, arranging the blanket over both of us.
‘Maybe I am being cautious because I don’t know what this is. A chance to go down memory lane or is it a second chance at being you and me again?’ He nods, a look telling me he doesn’t quite know either. ‘The sex is good?’
He bursts out laughing. ‘It is pretty good.’
‘Pretty…?’ I ask.
‘No, you’re pretty. You always were.’
‘I’ll take that compliment, kind sir,’ I say, beaming.
‘So maybe I am holding back from defining us or taking us too far into the future because I don’t want to get hurt like the first time,’ I say.
I hope he reads the sincerity in that because there is truth there, there is uncertainty because of how it finished the first time.
I mean, there is also another Nick but I won’t bring that up now.
‘I appreciate the honesty,’ Nick says dolefully. ‘And I am sorry that I ever hurt you, I really am. Like I say, I was young.’
‘We were young,’ I remind him. ‘You were kind of a first love.’
He looks a bit surprised at the revelation. ‘So I’m one of your all-time great loves then?’ he asks, smiling.
‘You are… something.’
‘Something.’ He says that word slowly, tenderly, still in that flirtatious manner that I’ve become accustomed to.
And there is something there, I feel it now.
That energy between us that’s heady and addictive and he leans over to kiss me tenderly.
Did we resolve or define anything? Not really, but this is fun.
With the blanket covering us though, Nick has other ideas of what that fun could look like.
A hand that was on my thigh moves around the curve of my legs, fighting with the layers of my coat until he gets to the waistband of my trousers. He stops kissing me to hold my gaze.
‘You forget this boat is see-through…’ I whisper as his fingertips brush my stomach.
‘The blanket isn’t though,’ he says, softly into my ear. ‘Plus my hands are very cold.’
‘That’s what the hot-water bottle is for…’ I say, kissing him swiftly on the lips again.
‘Go on, it’s Christmas…’ he says, his lips searching out my neck. I look around. There are other boats bobbing about, the odd person on the wharf and docks. ‘I mean, this is fun. Giving you an orgasm right here, right now, could be very, very fun,’ he whispers.
I bite my lip and don’t stop him as his fingers reach over and under my waistband, sliding down under my knickers.
The feeling is insanely electric as he looks me in the eye, my breath quickening to feel the softness of the contact, our faces barely touching.
He was always good at this, even at university I was thankful someone had trained him up for me. No notes. ‘Do you like that?’
‘Uh-huh,’ I say, trying to summon up the words.
‘Tell me what you want,’ he whispers.
My mind wanders, smiling – whilst we’re still on the boat?
People can see us, can’t they? But what he’s doing feels incredibly good and I crave him, a stirring delicious feeling soars through me.
I want… But as I dare to say it, the boat jolts to a stop and a curtain is unzipped.
Have we floated back to shore? To the docks?
Shit. Does this thing have CCTV? I look around, and a man stands there in a woolly hat and fleece and looks at us both cosied up underneath that blanket.
‘Howdy folks… and welcome back to dry land. How was your ride?’ He knows, doesn’t he? It must be written all over the blush in my cheeks. Nick moves his fingers and I let out a little squeal.
‘Sooo festive and it’s lovely to be out on the water…’ I say, gesturing out towards the wharf in case he didn’t know there was water out there.
‘You’re lucky. Rained yesterday, proper wet one.’
Nick chokes on his own laughter and the man looks at him strangely. ‘Well, we’ll leave you docked here to finish your fondue. Let us know if you want any more wine,’ he says before walking away.
‘You need to finish your fondue?’ Nick whispers.
‘Is that what the kids are calling it these days?’ I reply, before both of us descend into giggles, leaning back into our seats, his eyes full of joy and his face creasing with laughter, changing into a shape that I definitely, most certainly remember.