Chapter 30
THIRTY
‘Look at what your mum and dad got me, another dressing gown. Leopard print, this time. This is the third one they’ve given me. What do they think I do? That I wear them all at once?’ Nana says as she gets it out of her wardrobe.
‘Leopard print is in you know, it’s very trendy.’
‘Well, that’s good to know because it’s a veritable fashion parade in this place with all the slipper shoes and tweed,’ she laughs.
I smile in return but it’s strained and she looks at me curiously as if she can read that something is up.
It’s my weekly drop-in with Nana and I sit in my armchair in the corner of her room, curling my feet up into the chair and suddenly I’m twelve years old again and I’m round her house, eating all her biscuits and watching Countdown.
It’s that connection we always had when I was growing up that would make me gravitate to her every time.
‘You know, last time you were here, everyone got very excited by the book stuff. Jeff upstairs loved that he got Bill Bryson, by the way.’
‘I’m glad for Jeff,’ I reply.
‘You’re a good girl for doing all of that. At Christmas when everyone is so busy. I was very proud,’ she says.
‘Thank you, Nana. It just felt like a nice thing to do.’ I guess maybe I need to focus on the good because two days ago, I felt I didn’t do something very good at all.
I engaged in a kiss with a really lovely man when I shouldn’t have.
I let two Nicks overlap and something about my lack of control and honesty in that situation has made me feel goddamn terrible.
It was never my intention for things to get so messy.
‘So… I’m going to assume your sad face is something man-related. We never spoke about that tall glass of water you came here with last time,’ she says, grinning, looking excited to finally be able to quiz me about him.
‘That’s one way to describe him I suppose,’ I say with a smirk.
‘I know my mind is going but you’re telling me there are two fellas called Nick on the scene?’ she asks, going to sit on the edge of her bed.
‘Yeah. I messed up, Nana,’ I say, my guilt consuming me so much I have to look out the window for a moment.
‘Because you’re seeing both?’ she asks.
‘Harrods Nick, the one who gave you the hamper, the one I dated a while ago, I think that’s got a bit serious. I’m spending time with his family at Christmas. I kissed Santa Nick the other day after a book thing.’
‘A peck on the cheek or with tongues and fettling?’ she asks.
I burst into laughter and she looks mildly relieved to have broken my quiet. ‘Nana…’
‘He’s a good-looking boy, you’re young. If I had teeth I didn’t have to glue in my mouth and my boobs from when I was in my twenties, I’d have a little go to find out,’ she jokes.
‘NANA!’ I say. I smile but the guilt still sits in my veins like vinegar, stinging so very much.
In hindsight, I should have said something earlier to avoid that situation.
I shouldn’t have kissed him back. And there are moments when I think back to that kiss, a heat rising up in me that turns into pain to picture his face when we parted, that disappointment.
We didn’t go for a drink afterwards. In fact, I was so mortified that I asked him to drop me at a train station so I could avoid any more awkwardness in the truck, so I could sit on a train platform, with tears in my eyes, looking vacantly into space, feeling so forlorn that a commuter stopped to ask me if I was OK.
I just kissed Santa, I told him. He didn’t stay any longer to find out more.
‘How serious is it with Harrods Nick?’ Nana asks.
‘We’ve been on lovely, romantic dates. He bought me some earrings. Met up with his parents the other day. There are feelings there, we’re sleeping together… and I guess…’
‘I’m not hearing much certainty here, Kay,’ Nana says.
‘He’s kind. He’s generous. He’s sorted in life, good job, a flat. He’s handsome. It’s different to last time. Last time, we were at university and we didn’t know what we wanted out of life. We were so young. Now we’re older and I’m thinking about the future.’
Nana looks at me, a little horrified. ‘Who are you again?’
I pause for a moment, thinking this might be her dementia talking, that all my words have just disappeared into the ether. ‘I’m Kay, your granddaughter.’
‘Yeah, I know that. What I mean is that it doesn’t sound like you, thinking about the future and serious things. The Kay I know is creative and kind and you’ve never been obsessed by money and what may or may not happen in the future.’
‘But isn’t it time to start, Nana? To start saving some money? Be sensible?’
‘Why?’ Deep down, I think I know it’s because I need a better plan when it comes to looking after Nana in this place.
I live in her flat, I don’t earn a lot from the library work and sometimes even less from my book royalties but maybe it’s time to be an adult, to think seriously about the shape of my future.
Being with Old Nick would help mould that shape into place.
‘Sweetie, when I eventually leave this planet, I won’t be lying here thinking about that ISA I once put into place or how sensible I was to have paid off my mortgage.
Oh yes, those saving bonds will do me good now.
’ I smile reluctantly to hear her mocking me.
‘You’ll think about words, people, deeds, memories of those who made your heart glow. Does he make your heart glow?’
‘If my heart glowed, it’d be radioactive.’
‘She’s avoiding the question.’
‘He makes me feel safe; he cares about me. He makes me think that maybe after all this time, life brought us back together for a reason.’
Nana looks up for a moment to take that in. ‘But then life also brought you the tall glass of water, also called Nick, doesn’t that mean something?’
‘No.’
‘It does. Life sometimes asks you to make choices too. I loved your grandad but there were other men I could have gone with. There was a postman called Alf who was sweet on me.’
‘Why didn’t you go with him?’
‘Big chest like a pigeon,’ she says, scrunching up her nose and laughing.
‘You get thrown in the path of a lot of men in your life, lovely. And they are all sent to test you, you work out if they fit into the puzzle of your life.’ I nod as I take in her pearls of wisdom.
‘Your grandad made everything good, he was the first person I wanted to tell everything to, and he was one of these people in life that just raised you up. I always knew my happiness was the most important thing to him.’
‘That’s very romantic, Nana.’
‘It is, for me. Don’t get me wrong, there was plenty wrong with the bugger. He had wind strong enough to power a turbine, he hated Christmas – grumpy bastard at the best of times – but when it came to me…’ She shrugs her shoulders, smiling broadly at bringing Grandad to mind.
I go over to the bed and put an arm round her and rest my head on her shoulder.
Do any of those words help? I have no idea.
I came here because I knew this was a safe place to be, to talk, to be under the wing of someone who well and truly loved me for me, so this was the place to get answers.
I still feel none the wiser though. I feel confused.
I know I hurt Santa Nick, that I led him on and I have no idea how to fix that.
Maybe that’s just the end of that? Maybe there’s no redemption there.
‘You still look very stressed, lovely,’ Nana says. She takes a hand in mine and looks at my manicure, slightly chipped and grown out. ‘Go out and treat yourself, get your nails done. Look after you.’
‘I would. I’ve just got a lot of books to still give out.
I’ve got writing deadlines. I’ve got to get gifts for Old Nick’s family now I’m going round there.
For Christmas Day as well, we’re breaking you out of here, yeah?
Shall I cook?’ Nana pulls a face and I push her playfully.
‘I’ll get some bits from M
It is all the harvest she asks to reap
In return for love as the ocean deep.’
And there’s a moment between the two of them, a look.
He takes her hand and she rests her head on his shoulder, him sweetly kissing the top of it.
‘Is there any advice for you in there? Maketh him cups of tea neverending, don’t nag him to mow the grass, allow him the joys of golden ales, let him take you nightly up the—’
‘NICK!’ she squeals, before they both collapse into fits of giggles.
And I turn away so they can’t see that I’m laughing too.
At them, at the fact my book prompted that moment, but also because of her husband’s name.
Nick. I look up to the sky and the stars.
I have no idea what you’re trying to tell me or who I should end up with but you’re not very funny, seriously.
My phone pings and I retrieve it from my pocket.
Are you free? I need to see you about something? Nick
My heart beats out of my chest to see the message. But then I see the emoji that follows. Is that a squirrel? No, it’s a beaver.
I’m sorry about the beaver. There was no capybara emoji.