Chapter 2
chapter
two
Official Rules for Wind from the East Nanny Service
Brody’s take away: Don’t stare at the nanny’s ass. Even if it looks like her yoga pants were spray-painted on.
Brody
“I think he’s on a call—” my brother, Bryant’s assistant, tries to tell me.
I ignore her and barge directly into his office. Bryant Callahan, Esquire, the brother who is closest to my age. He’s been a family-law attorney in our small Tennessee town for nearly a decade now.
“I’m going to have to call you later,” he says into the phone receiver, then hangs it up. “What crawled up your ass today?”
“I need you to fire the new nanny,” I say.
He stares at me like I’ve grown an extra head, then slow blinks. “I’m still finishing the paperwork from firing your last nanny.”
I stare back. I’ve always excelled at the staring game. It’s one of the things that made me an excellent Tight End when I played professional football. My unmovable stare has made grown men run away from me.
Bryant, though, he just sighs. Eventually he holds out his hands, palms out. “I’m just trying to point out that I have other clients, and your insane search for the perfect nanny is not my only job. And you don’t pay me enough for it to be my only job, even if I did find it emotionally fulfilling.”
“Well, you don’t pay me anything to listen to you be a smartass, so let’s call it even.”
I know I’m pacing. Prowling through my brother’s small down-town office like a goddamned caged beast. But I can’t seem to erase the mental image of Winslow “Winnie” Ashcroft out of my head.
There is no part, except her infernal first name, that could lead anyone to believe she’s a man. She’s all soft and round and sweet- looking. Plump curves, rosy cheeks, and a sassy mouth that made my mind hit the gutter and just continue dragging through it.
One thought—fully equipped with mental image—after another of filthy things I could do to her delicious, ample curves.
Until my daughter had come into the room and climbed up into the would-be nanny’s lap. Winnie had looked down at Clementine and tapped her on the nose. Clem had practically cooed, then hugged the woman tighter.
Everything in that image had been so right, it had to be wrong. The beam of sunshine shone through the window, illuminating the entire room much more brightly than it normally did. The way the sunbeam made Clementine’s curls and the woman’s strawberry blond waves both gleam.
For one brief moment, I’d wanted nothing more than to sit on the floor beside them and pull them both close. To see if I could get a fraction of the warmth from their inner circle of sunshine.
Everything about that urge had been ridiculous. I’d read to my daughter countless times, but I’d never wanted to join someone else while they did that. Especially if they were sitting on the floor. Fuck, I can’t even get down on the floor with my fucking knees anyway.
“You know there’s a gym just around the corner. You could head over there, hop on the treadmill, and then I could get back to work. And you could stop wearing down the pile of my carpet.”
I stop pacing long enough to glare at my brother. “The new nanny needs to go.”
Bryant steeples his fingers under his chin.
“You need cause, as we’ve discussed ad nauseam before.
Why? What’s wrong with this nanny?” He pauses long enough to check his watch, then resumes his position.
“I’m guessing she’s not even been in your employ for four hours.
Did she try to climb into bed with you like that last nanny?
Because it’s still before noon and that’s fast even for you. ”
I shake my head. “We need to fire her because she’s a her. The new nanny was supposed to be a manny.”
“Oh, right. You hired a man. Because you have some absurd fantasy that a male nanny wouldn’t break Clementine’s heart when he leaves at the end of the summer.”
“Clementine gets too attached to women. You know she does. That wouldn’t happen with a man. She already has all of us, so there’s no reason for her to grow too attached to another man.”
“Your logic is fascinating, brother. If the agency sent you the wrong person, call them and they’ll fix it.”
“Therein lies the problem! I hired someone named Winslow Ashcroft.”
“Okay,” Bryant says, drawing the syllables out.
“Who clearly should have been a man, but instead I get some curvy bombshell named Winnie. Or rather, her name is Winslow and she goes by Winnie.”
Bryant picks up his phone and types out something, then sets it back down. He’s barely containing his laughter at this point. “You hired her based on the name and didn’t even check to make sure it was a man?”
I scowl and cross my arms over my chest.
Bryant doesn’t seem to be phased by my irritation. “This is your problem, Brody. You can’t fire an employee for being a woman. And I’m not going to open you up to a wrongful termination lawsuit because you didn’t read her resume carefully enough.”
“She said as much to me.”
“Smart woman.”
“There has got to be some way to get rid of her,” I insist. Am I being ridiculous? Maybe. But that woman can not live in my home.
“You had me include some purely ridiculous clauses in that contract,” Bryant said.
“Only because those were all things previous nannies had done.”
Bryant swivels his computer screen in my direction so that the contract is displayed between us. Then he points to some of the items. “The nanny will not purchase, gift, adopt, or in any other way acquire a kitten, puppy, or any other living animal of any species.”
I glare, arms still crossed over my chest. “That damn snickerdoodle still isn’t house trained.”
“It’s a labradoodle and you love Banana-Noodle.”
“Everybody loves Banana-Noodle, but I’m the one who has to get up i n the middle of the night and take her out to go potty. I don’t need more fucking animals in my life. In case you’ve forgotten about the chickens that do not even lay eggs.”
“I think those are called roosters.”
I flip my brother off.
Bryant points to another clause. “The nanny will not enter the master suite under any circumstances.”
“Three.” I hold up as many fingers. “Three of the previous nannies tried to climb into bed with me.”
“I thought it was only two?”
I scan my memory of the endless stream of faceless, nameless nannies. “One climbed into the shower with me. That counts.”
“You do know that a male nanny could still have breached that clause?”
“Seems less likely,” I say.
“There’s an entire gay contingency who look like you. They’re called Bears.”
“Okay fine. But it seems statistically unlikely I’d hire one.”
Bryan rolls his eyes. “The nanny shall not attempt to engage the employer in coloring, play-acting, singing, or any other form of whimsical play.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “You’re making me sound unreasonable.
Each of these clauses is in there because some previous nanny used these tactics to worm their way into my life.
And I don’t have time for this shit. Ever since mom and dad left on their extended tour of Europe, it’s been one nightmare after another.
I need a nanny who will just focus on Clementine and stay out of my way between now and the beginning of the school year.
But every nanny I’ve hired seems to think the job is an audition to be the next Mrs. Callahan. ”
“You know, you could just get married, and that would solve this problem.”
“You know you could just fuck right the hell off.”
“I would happily do that. Then I could get some actual work done. But my idiot big brother keeps coming here and making irrational demands.”
“Can I fire her or not?”
“Not unless she breaks one of these clauses. Otherwise, you have no just cause to dismiss her.”
“Fuck my life.”