Chapter 42
42
DEAN
I woke up before the alarm. Anytime I set the alarm knowing there was something important I had to wake up for, there was something in me that panicked I would oversleep. That always led to me getting no sleep and checking the time every fifteen minutes.
My head throbbed from the restless night, my mind spinning like a tire stuck in mud. Portia’s face kept flashing in my thoughts. The way she’d looked at me when I told her to leave for San Francisco. Her disappointment and hurt would haunt me for the rest of my days. I shouldn’t be all that surprised that I had screwed this up before it even started.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed, scrubbing a hand over my face. The clock on the nightstand had been staring at me all damn night. It was a quarter to six, far earlier than I had set my alarm for. Court wasn’t until nine, but I knew sleep wasn’t coming back. Might as well get up and face it.
I turned the shower temp way down, wanting the chilly water to wake me up and help snap me out of the funk I found myself in. It didn’t work. Nothing ever did. By the time I stepped out, my head was no clearer. I toweled off and stared at myself in the fogged-up mirror. My eyes were bloodshot, shadows carved deep underneath them.
“Get it together,” I muttered to my reflection.
I dressed quickly—black suit, white shirt, no tie. Simple. Clean. Not that it mattered what I wore today. This wasn’t about presentation. This was about keeping Seth out of jail. Again. I made myself coffee and took it outside to my patio. I could see the rental in the distance. She was in there. I told myself it would be so easy to walk over there and ask her to stay. I had a feeling she might actually agree to do it.
But dammit, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to ask her to stay. I just knew it would end up being a disaster. With Seth’s bullshit coming to a head, I didn’t want Portia’s business to be associated with the Jackson family drama. She couldn’t see it, but I could. I could see the way this thing was going to shake out.
I stared at the steam rising from my coffee, the bitterness of it matching the taste in my mouth. My eyes kept drifting back to her place, the blinds still drawn. She was probably packing. Hell, she was probably already gone. Why wouldn’t she be? I’d given her every reason to leave.
I let out a long breath, the weight of it all pressing down on my chest. I didn’t deserve her. Not even close. She was light—bright and full of this relentless energy that made you want to believe in something bigger, something better. And me? I was the anchor dragging everything down. Always had been, always would be.
I thought about the way she’d looked at me when I told her to go. Like I’d just ripped the rug out from under her. And maybe I had. But it was better this way. She didn’t need my mess following her around, tainting everything she worked so hard to build. She didn’t need Seth’s recklessness spilling into her life like gasoline on a fire. I’d spent years trying to clean up after him, and no matter how hard I tried, it always blew up in my face.
I couldn’t do that to her.
How many times had I told myself I wouldn’t get involved with anyone? How many times had I sworn I’d never let someone get close enough to hurt them—or worse, for them to hurt me? And yet, there she was, slipping past every wall I’d built without even trying. She’d walked into my life with that damn smile and those sharp green eyes, and I’d let her. I’d let her in, and now I was paying for it.
The coffee had gone cold by the time I finished it. I took one last look at the rental one last time. If I didn’t leave now, I’d be late for court, and that wasn’t an option. Not today. Seth was counting on me, even if he didn’t deserve it. I was hoping to talk to his attorney before the hearing. I wanted to find out if a deal had been reached. I had delivered a suit for Seth a few days ago. If he was going to face a judge, I wanted him to look like a respectable man and not some damn hoodlum.
I grabbed my keys and headed for my bike. I rolled past the house and glanced over again. She should leave. She should take that job in San Francisco and never look back. She deserved better than this town, better than me.
The courthouse loomed ahead, its brick facade looking more ominous than usual. I parked and walked through security. I knew one of the security guards. He seemed surprised by my attire. I didn’t blame him. I never wore a suit. It felt too small even though it had been tailored to me.
I walked into the courtroom filled with worried family members. I had a feeling a lot of us had done this dance more than once. I found an empty spot behind the defendant’s table and sat down.
The bench was hard beneath me. I kept my arms crossed tight over my chest, my fingers digging into my biceps hard enough to leave marks. The judge’s voice droned on as one case after another was heard. Finally, Seth’s case was called. He was brought in wearing the suit I’d bought him. It was dark navy, tailored, the kind of thing that made him look respectable. Like someone who belonged in a courtroom defending people instead of the guy sitting in a jail cell.
He glanced over his shoulder once. We made eye contact. Thankfully, it didn’t look like anyone else had used his face as a punching bag. He looked away and stayed standing until his attorney gestured for him to sit.
I was nervous. I couldn’t begin to imagine what he was feeling.
The judge adjusted her glasses, flipping through paperwork with deliberate slowness. “Seth Jackson, you have been charged with destruction of private property and reckless endangerment.” Her voice was dry, impersonal. “Given your reckless reputation with countless charges that have been dismissed, no more. The nature of your actions was thoughtless. I am sentencing you to six months in county jail. I hope you’ll use that time to think about your past decisions and get to a place where you’ll make better choices in the future.”
A heavy silence settled over the room.
Six months.
It could’ve been worse. Should’ve been worse, honestly. But the number still hit me like a punch to the gut. I think I actually expected him to walk out of here today with me. When I walked in here, I was prepared to have the tough conversation with him about getting out of town for a while. I was prepared to buy him a plane ticket to some small town where no one knew him and he didn’t know anyone.
That wasn’t going to happen. He was actually going to do time.
Seth turned, his face pale, eyes wide and darting to me like I could somehow fix this. Like I’d always fixed things before. The look on his face—pure, unguarded fear—sent a wave of nausea rolling through me.
Fuck decorum.
I stood, leaning over the short wall that separated us. The bailiff shot me a warning look, but I didn’t care.
“Listen to me,” I said, my voice low and rough. “Six months is nothing. You’ll be out before winter.”
Seth’s throat worked as he swallowed hard. “Dean?—”
“I’ll visit every weekend. Bring you whatever you need.” I gripped his shoulder, feeling the tremble in his frame. “We’ll get through this.”
The gavel cracked like a gunshot.
A deputy stepped forward, cuffs glinting in the fluorescent lights. Seth flinched when they clicked around his wrists, his breath coming too fast.
“Hey.” I waited until he met my eyes. “It’s going to be okay. Just keep your head down. Don’t get into trouble.”
He nodded jerkily, but the terror in his gaze didn’t fade. Not even when the deputy led him away, not even when the courtroom emptied around me, leaving me standing alone in the echoing silence.
I sank back onto the bench, my hands hanging limp between my knees. I felt like I was suffocating under the guilt and regret. The failure.
I was supposed to protect him.
That had been the deal since the day our parents died. I was the steady one, the responsible one. The one who kept Seth from flying off the rails.
And I’d fucking failed.
Now my brother was going to jail, and the woman who’d somehow become my anchor—the one person who made the weight feel bearable—was gone. Because I’d pushed her away. I shrugged out of my jacket and took a couple deep breaths. There was a little voice in the back of my head demanding I bust out the checkbook and write a check to whatever organization that would help grease the wheels of justice. He’d serve a week or two and then get out because of jail overcrowding. It happened all the time.
I could do it. Fifty grand. A million.
It would be so easy.
The fluorescent lights buzzed overhead, the sound grating against my frayed nerves. I should leave. There was nothing left to do here. But my legs refused to move.
A door creaked open behind me. Footsteps approached, then stopped at my bench.
“Mr. Jackson?”
I looked up to find the prosecutor standing there, her expression unreadable.
“You should know, the boat owner agreed to the plea deal because of you.”
I frowned. “What?”
“He said you’ve been nothing but professional through all this. That you took responsibility when your brother wouldn’t.” She gave me a tight smile. “Judge Reynolds respects that. It’s why she went light on the sentence. And of course, the promise restitution will be paid.”
Light. Six months in jail was light.
“I sent the money last week,” I said.
“I know.” She nodded. “For what it’s worth, I think your brother’s lucky to have you.”
She walked away before I could respond, her heels clicking against the linoleum.
The words should’ve been a comfort. Instead, they settled like lead in my stomach.
Lucky?
Seth was in handcuffs. Portia was gone. And I was sitting alone in a fucking courtroom, with no idea how to fix any of it.
I dragged a hand down my face. Now, I had Seth’s expression to haunt me. Between him and Portia, I was pretty sure I would never get a peaceful night of sleep again. The walls felt like they were closing in, the air too thick to breathe.
I needed to get out. I walked out, my jacket forgotten on the bench where it could stay. I didn’t plan on wearing it ever again. My bike was parked at the curb, the chrome gleaming under the harsh light.
I swung a leg over the seat and kicked the engine to life. I revved the engine and released the clutch. I didn’t know where I was going. But I couldn’t stay here.
The bike roared beneath me as I peeled away from the courthouse, the wind whipping against my face. I didn’t have a destination in mind—just away. The speedometer climbed as I pushed the bike harder, the rumble of the engine drowning out the chaos in my head. My grip tightened on the handlebars, knuckles white, but it wasn’t enough to steady me. Nothing ever was.
The outskirts of Larkspur Lake blurred past—scraggly pines, weathered fence posts, the occasional rusted-out pickup parked in a weedy yard. The town felt smaller than ever, like it was shrinking around me, trying to squeeze me into a box I didn’t fit into anymore. Or maybe it was just me. Maybe I was the one who didn’t belong.
I didn’t slow until I reached the overlook, a spot where the road curved high above the lake. I parked and cut the engine. My hands were still trembling when I pulled off my helmet and set it on the seat beside me. Maybe I didn’t belong here anymore.
When Seth got out, I would tell him it was time for us to go. We needed a fresh start. I didn’t want to be in town when Portia came back to visit. There was no way I would be able to face her again.