Chapter 38
***Aggie***
“I don’t know, Dad.” I sat in my bathroom, hiding from Olivia.
It was Sunday, our day off, and despite that, she was all but glued to me.
All I wanted in the world was for her to leave me alone.
I’d been a hostage in my own room for the third time the night before and then I’d sat across from Zander in the kitchen while he told me that I didn’t need to worry about nannying anymore.
“You’re not allowed to say anything to them.
Do you understand me? If you mention a single word, I’ll disown you. ”
Dad snorted. “I’m just going to ignore that hostile threat. I won’t say anything, though, Ag. I know this is something you have to figure out on your own. I just wish you’d talk to them. Tell them how you feel.”
“And how’s that, Dad?” I was pretty sure my feelings were all negative after getting the boot over breakfast from Zander, in the gentlest way possible.
He’d used kid gloves on me, speaking to me like I was younger than Gracie.
I’d wanted to stab him in the eye with my fork while he acted as sweet as a spoonful of sugar.
“You want me to explain it to you? Your feelings for those boys? I could, you know. I’m good at it.
I just don’t know if you’re ready for that.
” He laughed and I could hear the sound of the sliding glass door to his porch opening.
“I can tell you’re hurting and angry right now, Aggie, but it sounds like none of you have had more than five seconds to talk to each other since the new nanny showed up.
You need to talk to them and figure out what they’re thinking. ”
“You want to know what he said to me? He said that Olivia was setting a schedule for Gracie and that it seemed she didn’t need my help anymore.
Then, and I swear on your silver hair, he looked me dead in the eye and said that I could use the last couple of days of my nannying job to get some sun.
” I lowered my voice after having raised it to shout that last part.
“Like I’m some sun bunny who just exists for tanning by their pool.
Did he mention another job? No. Of course, not.
Why hire me for the job I’m perfect for when he can just fire me from the one I apparently suck at? ”
“Talk to them, Ag. That’s all I can tell you.
I never got the impression that they were ready to send you packing.
” Dad’s voice trailed off as he spoke to someone in the background.
When he came back on the line, he was distracted.
“Sorry, sweetheart, but Mick just showed up with his tractor. We’re going to clear our that back few acres. ”
I rested my head on my knees and resisted the urge to keep him on the phone with me. “Okay, Dad. Have fun. Tell Mick I say hello.”
“Love you, kid. Talk to your fellas.” Before he hung up, I heard him shout. “Scoot says hello!”
I stayed in the bathtub for a little while longer, having an existential crisis.
Dad made it sound so easy. Just talk to the guys.
No big deal, it was just talking. Except it was talking about emotional stuff and I was scared of the outcome.
I knew it was pathetic that I couldn’t just have a conversation with the men I’d been sleeping with for a month.
I’d let them do things to me that were probably illegal in some places, yet talking about my feelings seemed way too far out there to even try it.
The sad truth was that I wanted to stay.
I wanted to stay with them, not as their nanny, but as their person.
I wanted it so deeply that it was like my very bones were attempting to settle into the house.
I felt so heavy and defeated. Monroe had never made me feel such large emotions.
He didn’t make me feel anything. He’d been safe, like all the men I’d been with before.
He'd made me angry, but so did people who merged too slowly. The things I was feeling for Zander, Knight, and Kyrin were things I’d never felt for another soul.
I wanted them so much that I almost wanted to punch them for making me feel that way.
I thought they were on the same page. I thought they cared enough to want more.
There I was, though, coming up on the end of my month with them, and nothing had changed.
They still didn’t believe in me enough to offer me the job.
They didn’t want me as their person. They seemed fine to say goodbye and move on.
Dad’s voice in my head was just as annoying as when it wasn’t in my head. I could hear him saying that I’d never know if I didn’t talk to them. I had nothing to lose.
Another voice spoke up. I had my dignity and sanity to lose. All my strength felt superficial when it came to emotional things. I was like a newborn baby, as helpless as they came. At least, that’s how it felt.
“Aggie?”
I sat up at the sound of Knight’s voice. Climbing out of the bathtub, I pulled open the door and felt my smile slide right off my face when I saw Olivia walk in behind Knight. It was like she had a sense for when any of the guys were going to be alone with me.
“Oh, hey! I was just coming in to find Aggie.” Olivia walked over and looped her arm through mine. “We’re having a girls’ day before she leaves. I have to get in all the girl time I can now. Pretty soon, it’ll just be me and all you men here.”
I looked down at my bare feet and cleared my throat. “And Gracie.”
“I need to talk to Aggie, Olivia.” Knight’s voice was rougher than normal and he looked tense when I glanced up at him. “Now, please.”
Olivia poked me in the side and giggled. “Looks like you’re in trouble. I’ll be waiting just outside for you.”
I stood frozen even after she left the room and Knight closed the door. My heart hammered in my chest as I argued with myself in my head about whether I needed to talk to Knight about my feelings, or not.
“Did you get into the security system again?”
I frowned, thrown off course by his question. “What?”
He moved closer. “Did you hack the system again?”
“No, I’ve been a little busy.” I sat on my bed and waited to see if he would take our time alone to hug me, or even touch me. “What happened?”
“I noticed something in the system that I didn’t like.” He stared at me for a full ten seconds longer, not saying anything. Then, he sighed and reached for the door handle.
I jumped up, seeing an opportunity. “I could look. If you want me to, I mean. I could use the reason to stretch those muscles.”
He shook his head and cast one last look at me. “No. Thanks, though.”
I stared after him when he left and felt a wall start to crack inside me. There didn’t seem to be a reason to talk to them. It looked like they’d all already turned off whatever connection we’d had.
“I’m only saying this to you because you’re leaving and no one would believe you if you told, but I would climb that man in twenty different ways if I could.
He is hot.” Olivia fanned herself and giggled.
“They all are. It’s against the rules to sleep with clients, but things happen.
I wouldn’t even care which one I got. They’re all so, so hot. ”
My stomach soured and I stumbled back a step. “I’m going to be sick.”