Chapter 37
***Memphis***
“Maybe I won’t divorce you after all, Jake. This is the coolest!” I looked around the hidden guard house and watched the main house through several different security monitors. I reached over and patted his arm, full of excitement. “This is going to be great.”
Jake had kindly volunteered to help me and Bea after she’d briefly explained to him what we wanted to do. Turns out, he also thought it would be a good lesson for the guys. They were going to be fathers soon. They had to learn to handle kids. We were really just helping them out.
“Bea better bring the popcorn back like she promised.” Jake propped his feet up on the desk in front of us and nodded towards one of the monitors. “There she goes.”
I squeezed his arm and sat forward, watching closely as Bea banged on the front door of the main house, her four kids in tow.
I’d met them earlier and they were all handfuls.
I’d raised two rowdy boys, but Bea’s kids made my brothers look angelic.
“Oh, my gosh. I’m a mean girl, aren’t I?
I’m taking so much joy from what I know is going to be their suffering. ”
He laughed. “They have it coming.”
I looked over at him and raised my eyebrows in a silent question. I got the impression that they were friendly. Was there more that I didn’t know?
“No big secrets here, Memphis King. Don’t give me that look.
I just think they deserve to eat a little humble pie every so often.
” He wagged his eyebrows at me. “Plus, from the sounds I heard coming from this car the other night, I might want to see them suffer a little. It felt like I was listening to my kid sister get spanked and it was not pleasant.”
I turned bright red and groaned. “That is mortifying, Jake! Don’t let me know you heard that!”
“I’m pretty sure people in your home state heard it.”
I slapped his arm playfully and then paused. “Aww, you think of me like a little sister?”
He rolled his eyes. “Don’t be weird about it.”
“I’m going to be weird about it.”
He grabbed the top of my head and turned it back towards the monitors. “Don’t look at me, look at the action.”
I felt another sliver of my loneliness chip away and squeezed Jake’s arm as I watched Boone open the door to a harried looking Bea. “What’s she saying?”
He tapped a button and Bea’s frantic voice filled the room.
“I have to go and I need help, Boone. My Uncle Ray tripped over a ladder and we think he’s okay, but the ladder hit Grandma Norma’s boyfriend. Please, just watch them until I can get back.” She passed a carseat to him and then pushed her double stroller at him. “Thank you! Thank you so much!”
The look on Boone’s face made me snort with laughter.
He immediately turned his head and shouted Remy’s name, then Wells’.
Bea was already back in her car and rushing down the driveway, leaving her four kids in the very shaky hands of the Hawke brothers.
We all figured if anything went wrong, we would see it immediately and save the day.
“Shit. Look at Remy’s face!” Jake slapped his knee and hit another button to zoom in.
Remy stared at the kids in horror and started shaking his head while holding his hands up. “No. No fucking way. Get her back here right now.”
Bea came into the guardhouse just as her oldest kid, Sara, opened her mouth and let out a loud F-word. While Remy nearly choked, Bea just laughed. “She knew that word by the time she was two. It was the second word she ever said. Right after shit.”
I wiped tears from my eyes as Remy awkwardly pulled the stroller into the house and Boone put the carseat down next to the other kids.
Wells showed up with a towel around his waist and a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth.
They all just stood back, staring at the kids like they weren’t sure if it was safe to speak or not.
“Wow, hot.” Bea fanned herself and tapped the screen over Wells’ bare chest. “Zoom in on that, Jake.”
“No. I’m not helping you perv on them.” He shook his head and looked at me. “God, you too? You’re drooling.”
On screen Sara turned her head from side to side, looking about, and then she took off running away from her siblings and the guys. Boone shifted like he wanted to chase but stopped himself.
“Are you supposed to chase after them? Or will she just come back on her own?” He made a face and pulled at his shirt collar.
“This isn’t a fucking love song, Boone. Go get her!” Remy stepped towards the stroller and gagged. “Oh, my God. No, you stay here. I’ll chase the kid. I think one of these is rotten.”
Wells was slowly backing towards the stairs, but Boone caught him and grabbed him. “You’re not getting out of this! I’ll find the runner. One of you two handle the funky one.”
Remy grabbed Boone and a pushing and pulling match ensued as they tried to decide who would deal with the smell.
Wells lost his towel and I fought to keep Bea’s eyes covered so she didn’t see all of his business.
When Levi released himself from the stroller like a little magician, I let out a wild laugh at the fear on their faces.
Levi took off in the opposite direction of Sara but stopped just a few feet away to turn back to the guys and stare directly at them while grunting and straining.
“Is he...?” Wells fumbled with his towel and gagged so hard the top half of his body lurched forward. “He’s shitting. Oh, God. He’s staring right into our eyes as he shits! What’s wrong with these children? Did Bea marry a fucking bear?”
Julie, Levi’s twin sister, Houdini’d herself out of the stroller and then immediately fell over and started scream crying. That set the baby off and then two out of four kids were screaming so loud that Jake muted the volume.
“I think I feel bad for them.” He shook his head and gave a big shudder. “Why are your kids clothed animals, Bea?”
She slapped the back of his head. “I gave them sugar before bringing them. They’re all hyped up on kid cocaine and this is their American Psycho moment. There’s a reason we don’t allow it in the house. They literally turn into monsters. Look at them. I wouldn’t let these kids into my house.”
“I can’t believe you just referred to American Psycho while talking about your children.” I couldn’t help giggling, even if it was terrible. “What are they doing? Are they huddling?”
Jake unmuted it and the screaming was just as intense, but just under the roar, I could make out the chanting of ‘rock, paper, scissors’.
We all fell into another fit of laughter and watched as Remy approached Levi slowly with his hands raised while Boone took off in search of Sara.
That left Wells with Julie and baby Lily.
We laughed so hard my stomach ached while Remy attempted to convince Levi that he could change his own pull-up and Boone chased Sara in and out of rooms like an old Scooby-Doo episode.
Julie had stopped crying, but only because she’d taken interest in trying to pull out Wells' leg hair, one by one while he clutched his towel like a lifeline in the middle of the ocean. His toothbrush had ended up tucked behind his ear and one wrong move sent it into Julie’s curious hands, which then sent it into her wide open mouth.
“At what point do we put them out of their misery?” I fell into another fit of laughter when Sara ran out of Remy’s office with a cigar in her mouth. It was unlit and I hoped she wouldn’t eat the tobacco, but Boone’s horrified expression told me he was thinking the worst.
“It’s been fifteen minutes.” Bea nearly choked on the popcorn she’d finally brought out when Levi kicked off his shorts and pull-up before running away from them, poopy butt still on display. “Remy’s throwing up. Code vomit!”
Jake was dark red from laughing so hard and all he could do was hit another button so the sounds of Remy’s heaving reached us. In the background, Boone could be heard shouting. “Don’t eat that! Jesus, what are you made of? That’s not normal!”
The last thing we saw before Bea and I left to rescue them was Julie shoving her brother ass-first into Wells’ bare legs. I bit my knuckles to stop laughing as Bea parked in front of the house. We could hear the mayhem through the closed door.
Bea hiccuped and fought to control her own laughter. “Okay. I’ll get Levi and Julie. You think you can take Sara?”
I nodded and we opened the door and stepped into what had to be one of Dante’s levels of hell.
The stench was out of control. There was poop on more than just Levi’s little butt, Remy’s vomit was filling a vase next to him as he continued to heave, and Julie was brushing shit through Wells’ leg hair as he gagged violently above her.
Without saying a word to the guys, Bea and I engaged parent mode, level hard.
I found Sara hiding under a hall table while Boone ran from room to room, calling out for a ‘little girl’.
She still had the cigar in her mouth, though it was very wet from where she’d been chewing on it.
I scooped her into my arms, dodged a wild swing as she cried out, and snagged the cigar from her in one fell swoop.
“Nobody found me! They left me hided!” Boone sprinted towards the sound of her voice and bent over with his hands on his knees, winded and stressed. Sara glared at him. “You left me, mister. You mean!”
Boone snapped up and glared right back at her. “You better hope I’m retired by the time you potentially need heart surgery, little girl.”
I tossed the soggy cigar at his chest. “Be nice to her, Boone. She’s just a baby.”
As soon as my back was to him, I had the biggest grin on my face.
Sara smacked me on the side of the head once, but I didn’t even mind.
It was probably karma for putting the guys through real torture.
Downstairs, Bea had the twins in their stroller, both cleaned and smelling fresh.
The baby had a bottle and was slowly starting to doze off.
Wells was nowhere to be seen and Remy leaned heavily against the wall he’d been standing by the whole time.
I handed Sara to Bea and smiled calmly. “I’m so glad the emergency ended up being a case of mistaken identity. Let me help you get the kids back in the car.”
Bea and I managed to hold it together until the kids were all buckled in and already starting to fade. They were quickly becoming little angels again. She held her hand low and I high-fived it. “Well, that was a crash course if I’ve ever seen one. They may decide one kid is enough after this.”
I shook my head. “Nah. They seemed to really want kids. It melted my heart a little to hear them talk about it. We’ll let them panic for a night or two and then let them know this was sugar induced torture.”
Looking away, Bea nodded with less excitement, but when she looked back at me, she seemed normal again. “Maybe let them suffer for a little bit longer than a day or two. Anyway, I can’t wait to get home and tell Adam about this.”
I hugged her close. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for lending your kids for a mean cause.”
She winked. “Honestly, anytime.”