CHAPTER 27
Bear
I’d just parked in front of Joanie’s house when I saw her creep out. She looked up at her car and I watched her swear when she realized she was blocked in by Chase’s truck. She noticed my truck and I watched her sigh before walking towards me. It might’ve hurt my feelings if I didn’t know why she probably didn’t want to talk to me. After my hasty exit from her office, she was fairly holding a grudge.
I rolled my window down and forced a smile. “Need a ride?”
She crossed her arms and frowned. “You don’t need to fake smile at me.”
“It’s called being civil.”
She scoffed. “What do you know about being civil?”
“Get in the truck, Joanie. I’ll take you wherever you need to go.” I blew out a deep breath. “I need to explain about last night.”
Her interest was piqued and she quickly walked around to the passenger seat. After she was inside and buckled up, she looked at me and raised her eyebrows. “Okay?”
I backed out of the driveway. “Why were you sneaking out? Morning after regrets with Chase?”
“Have you ever woken up between two men?” Joanie looked out at the road and then over at me. “Well, I did. I woke up between Smith and Chase this morning, cuddling like we were all a big, happy family.”
“And…you didn’t like that?” I was going to murder my best friends. I was so fucking jealous I couldn’t sit with it. I had to shift in my seat as the discomfort grew.
“It was great. I’ve never been so cozy in my life.”
I frowned. “Okay?”
“It’s like those people who win the lottery, right?” She was in fine form that morning, talking with her hands and really expressing herself. “They don’t know what they’re really missing before they win a million dollars. They might have an idea, but not really. Then, they have a million dollars and it’s amazing. That freedom is great. The money never lasts, though. They lose the money and they’re worse off than before they won it because now they really know what they’re missing out on.”
I glanced over at her. “You think spooning with my idiot best friends is like winning the lottery?”
Her cheeks reddened. “No. I mean… Waking up between two men who didn’t try to hump you during the night and instead just held you? It’s not not the lottery.”
“And you’re afraid of not having that again?” I felt like I was catching on but I’d never seen Joanie speak so positively, so I wasn’t exactly sure what was happening. It honestly felt a little like a trap.
“I’ve been alone for over five years, Bear. No one has slept in that bed but me until recently and it’s scary to chance becoming unhappy with that fact. What if all that testosterone in my bed messes with my brain chemistry and suddenly I’m not happy by myself? I can’t take that chance.”
“You’re scared to like us?”
“What? No. I didn’t say that.” She rubbed her hands over her face and turned to face me completely. “I’m just having a morning of panic. It’s fine. It doesn’t mean anything.”
I pulled to a stop and looked over at her. “I have those. They don’t typically just last the morning, though.”
“How long do they last?”
“Six years?” I laughed at the shocked expression on her face. “This brings me back to apologizing for last night. I’m sorry the girls showed up and tried to move in with you. Thank you for being there, though. I don’t know what I would’ve done if it wasn’t you who took them in.”
“They said they ran away because you yelled at them.” The stern look on her face shouldn’t have been so sexy, but it was. She was worried for my girls.
I put the truck in park and sighed. “I did. It was shitty of me to lose my temper and I’ve already apologized to them. We go through this every so often… Their mom died before they were two. They see their friends with their moms and they decide they need to push me to find them a mom, too. Right now, they’re doing day camp with Forrest, who I think is your friend’s son, right? Seeing Forrest with his mom has triggered a new wave of mom demands.”
What I didn’t tell her was that the girls were demanding her. They’d pushed and pushed so much the night before that I’d finally snapped and yelled at them to stop. It wasn’t my finest moment.
“Were you together with their mom when she passed?” Joanie clamped her hands between her thighs and looked like she had a million more questions battling to get out.
I nodded. “Yeah. Michelle and I were married for five years when she died in a crash.”
“Bear… I’m so sorry.” She reached over and squeezed my forearm. “You’ve been alone since?”
I cleared my throat. “Not alone. I have Mabelle. I have Smith and Chase. They’ve been there through it all. The girls want what their friends have, though. It’s hitting them harder than ever right now.”
“And…you’re not open to the idea of moving on I’m guessing.” She looked away. “Which makes sense. I lost my dignity and went off the deep end. You lost your wife.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. It would’ve been easier for me if she didn’t get it. Of course, she did, though, and that just made my attraction for her grow. “I feel guilty.”
Joanie seemed less shocked by my admission than I was. She nodded and stared down at her lap. “Have you seen anyone about it?”
“Yeah. I just never had a real-life scenario to apply the therapy to before now, so it’s not going all that well.” I read her confusion and gripped the steering wheel tighter. “I never wanted anyone in a real way before…now.”
Her eyes widened. “Now?”
Throwing caution to the wind, I nodded. “Yeah. I don’t think it’s a secret that I want you, Joanie.”
“It might be a bit of a secret.” Her lowered voice made the conversation feel more intimate. “I didn’t exactly get the impression you liked me all that much.”
I put the truck in drive and started moving again, just to give myself something to focus on. “Anyway. I’m a fucking mess and I snapped at the girls last night. I’m working on it.”
Her tone shifted into annoyance. “Okay? That’s where the conversation ends?”
“Yeah, for now.”
She sighed. “Great.”
I cut my eyes at her. “You want me to spill all my guts right now?”
“Nope. I like it this way, where you give me a little bit at a time and maybe, in a few years, I’ll get to know you.” She turned away from me. “I don’t have a clue what I’m doing right now. You three sweep in and throw me off balance so easily. I’m taking what little you give me at a time but I don’t even know if I want it.”
“I can’t answer that for you.”
She laughed. “Of course, not. You can’t even answer it for yourself.”
I stopped the truck again. “Joanie, I—”
“You can’t even say that you like me. As much as I feel for you and what you’re going through, I think it’s a little short-sighted of me to become invested in the ‘will you, won’t you like me’ game. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through after losing your wife, Bear. I’m sympathetic to your struggle. I just don’t want to be on this side of things with a man who doesn’t even know if he likes me.” She undid her seatbelt and shoved open the door. “If you think I’m terrified of getting used to Chase and Smith showing up and holding me, you have no idea how terrifying I find you.”
I growled and started to get out to put her back in the truck but she held up her hand at me.
“It’s not that much farther for me to walk and I’d like the time alone. You can go.”
Shame and anger warred in me. She was right and I knew she was but that didn’t mean I liked it. “I’m not fucking leaving you to walk, Joanie.”
Her smile was sickly sweet. “Then you’re going to be driving behind me for the next mile. I’m not getting back in your truck right now.”
“Dammit, Joanie.” I got out of the truck and marched after her. When I caught her, I picked her up and carried her back to my truck, all while she struggled. “You make me crazy.”
“And you make me furious! What’s your game plan, Bear? You want to make me like you until you decide if my worth outweighs your guilt?” She shoved at me as I put her down on the passenger seat. “Just let me go! I don’t want to do this with you.”
I grabbed her arms to hold her still and struggled to get the words I needed to say out. “I… Jesus, this is hard. Will you just listen to me for a second?”
She glared up at me but let me hold her. “Fine. Say what you need to say. I have a meeting to get to, though.”
“I like you. You’re beautiful and smart and so fucking full of attitude. You’re nothing like Michelle.” I swallowed around a lump in my throat and looked away. “You’re good with the girls. I know they aren’t easy but they like you and you keep up with them. So, of course I like you. It makes me feel like shit, though, because I react to you in ways I never…”
Joanie’s breath caught and then she reached up to gently cup my face. Her hands were tiny but the warmth seeped through my beard and the impact was almost bigger than I could handle. “Okay. You don’t have to say anything if it’s too hard. I didn’t mean to push. I just… I’m scared.”
“The lottery?” I turned my face into her hand and brushed my lips over her palm. “I get it. I’ve been through losing someone I love, Princess. I have a healthy amount of fear to go with my guilt, too. I don’t have answers. I haven’t in years.”
She bit her lip and lifted her shoulder in a half shrug. “We’ve established that we’re both scared. Now, what? Can we avoid each other until whatever feelings we’re feeling go away?”
I gripped the back of her neck and pulled her closer. The idea of not seeing her or being around her caused a big reaction in me. “I hate that idea.”
“The only other option is…” She hesitated. “To not fight it?”
Tugging her even closer, I brushed my lips over hers. “I didn’t kiss you.”
“What?” She blinked and her lips turned down.
“That day in your office. I didn’t kiss you and I’ve hated myself for it ever since.” I brushed over her lips again. “Want to face our fears together?”
The smile that stretched her lips made me feel ten feet tall. “I’m telling you now that I’m not good at it.”
“Well, I fucking suck at it, so this should be fun.” Pulling back slightly, I drank in her beauty and the eagerness in her eyes. “I’m going to kiss you now. Like I should’ve kissed you before.”