Chapter 34
Sierra
“You’re pregnant,” Reese told me a week later as I sat in her office in Billings. “I know that seems impossible to you, but it’s true, Sierra. I’ve verified it in every way possible.”
I shook my head in denial.
How could that possibly be true?
Yes, I’d come to Reese’s office two days ago because I was late, but pregnancy hadn’t even been on my mind.
I’d been a little worried because my period was way later than usual, but I’d figured it was another medical cause.
Some kind of female issue that had nothing to do with pregnancy.
Since I hadn’t had an exam in years, I knew I needed to knock that out anyway.
Hence, my visit for a checkup two days ago.
Reese had done an exam, lab work, urine, and an ultrasound because of my history.
When she’d called me late yesterday afternoon and told me to meet her in her office this morning, I’d been worried about some kind of cancer or an urgent medical issue because she’d sounded so serious.
My head was spinning, and I was still trying to process her diagnosis.
“That’s not possible, Reese,” I said in a dazed voice.
“It is possible,” she assured me. “It probably didn’t seem probable three years ago, but it happened.
I got all of your old medical records, and I studied your ultrasound for a long time.
There was definitely some damage to your uterus, but your surgeons did an incredible job with the repairs.
Your baby died from direct trauma, Sierra.
The damage was mostly to your uterus. I’m sure your surgeons thought the scar tissue from the surgery would prevent a pregnancy in the future, but this baby is attached and growing.
The scar tissue isn’t as severe as it might have been without an excellent surgeon.
You had two excellent surgeons in Houston.
God, Sierra, you haven’t had an exam since you recovered from the shooting? ”
I put my palm to my belly reflexively. “No,” I replied hesitantly.
“I lost my medical insurance when I couldn’t pay the premiums. I ended up struggling to pay for my psychological treatment.
I didn’t think it would be an issue to skip routine exams. The doctors told me everything was repaired and that it was pretty much impossible for me to get pregnant again.
That was all I really needed to know. I was in the hospital for a long time.
All of my sutures were out. Everything was healing and I didn’t have any complications.
I did a few follow-up visits after I got out of the hospital, but I didn’t return in three months or six months.
I was in a pretty deep depression when I left the hospital.
In hindsight, it was a dumb thing to do, but I wasn’t really equipped to get to routine appointments.
After that, I just didn’t have the money. ”
Reese nodded. “I understand. I’m not judging.
If you had done a follow-up at some point in the last year or so, you probably would have known that there was a remote possibility that you could get pregnant.
I’m going to be honest, that scarring will cause issues.
This will be a really high-risk pregnancy for you, Sierra, even if you get past the stage when you’re most likely to have a miscarriage.
With the scarring, the baby may not be able to grow to full term.
You’d definitely need a C-section. There’s a plethora of things that could go wrong. ”
I shook my head, still in shock. “I can’t be pregnant. Asher told me he never wanted to have a child. I told him that I couldn’t get pregnant.”
“This isn’t your fault,” Reese said sternly. “It really never should have happened. The conditions and your healing had to be exactly like it was for this to happen. Truthfully, it’s kind of a miracle.”
Tears filled my eyes.
God, it really was true.
What in the hell was I going to do now?
“Asher isn’t going to want this,” I told Reese in a tremulous voice. “I’m not sure what to do.”
Reese sent me a small smile. “I think you’ll be surprised about what Asher wants when you tell him, but he’s going to have to know about all of the risks involved and the possible complications.
I think he’s going to be highly concerned.
” She hesitated for a moment. “Nah. Screw that. I’m not talking to you as a medical practitioner right now.
You’re a close friend. Asher is going to freak out.
There’s so many things that could happen in your situation.
Your first priority has to be seeing a specialist. The best OB doctor in Billings.
The same one Hannah used for her pregnancy.
They’ll probably do more testing and give you better information than I can right now.
You’re almost seven weeks pregnant. Tomorrow wouldn’t be too soon to get an appointment.
I’m going to call her today and see if she can see you tomorrow.
She’s super busy, but we’re friends. I think she’ll squeeze you in. ”
“Thanks,” I said as relief flooded through my body. “I think I need as much information as possible.”
“You and Asher need to make decisions together,” Reese said quietly as she sat on a rolling stool and took my hand. “He loves you, Sierra. I don’t have a single doubt about that. You made this child together. You need to work it out together.”
“It’s my fault, Reese,” I said as tears flowed down my cheeks.
“Neither of us used any kind of birth control. If I’d done those follow-ups, I would have been more careful.
I was resigned to not having another chance at motherhood, and I completely understand why Asher never wants children.
His childhood was nothing but torment and torture for him. ”
“I think Cole kind of felt the same,” Reese mused.
“But he’s open to having kids now that he has Lauren.
Things change, Sierra. People change. And I’ve already told you that this wasn’t your fault.
God, you’ve just gotten to the point where you’re not blaming yourself for the past. Don’t start taking the blame for things that aren’t your fault now. ”
I took a deep breath and swiped the tears from my cheeks.
She was right.
This baby was going to need me to keep my head on straight.
I put my hand to my belly again.
A baby.
My baby and Asher’s.
That still seemed so impossible that it really hadn’t completely sunk in for me yet.
If this child was viable and everything looked normal, there was no way I could throw away this kind of miracle.
I was perfectly able to care for my child.
And I was madly in love with the father.
I’d deal with the risks.
“I’d like to see the OB doctor before I tell Asher,” I said to Reese. “I think I need to lay out all of the information I have. I know he might choose to separate because he doesn’t want a baby, but I know he would never not take care of any child he had in the future.”
Reese snorted. “He’s not going anywhere.
I think your biggest hurdle is going to be all of the risks involved.
He’s not going to like it. Hell, I don’t like it.
I don’t think actually having a child is going to be the issue for him.
He’s not going to want to risk your life or your health.
This pregnancy is going to take careful monitoring.
Having children over the age of thirty-five is becoming a lot more common because women are establishing a career first, but your situation is a lot more complicated than that. ”
“What are my chances of actually birthing this child, Reese?” I asked cautiously.
She squeezed my hand. “I can’t give you that,” she said in a regretful voice. “So much depends on how things progress. Everything looks normal right now, but that could change.”
“I could miscarry,” I said. “These are the dangerous months.”
She nodded. “The first trimester. A lot of problems could still come up after that, but the next five or six weeks is going to tell us a lot. The most important thing you can do is relax and take it easy. Follow every instruction the OB doctor gives you. You’ll probably have activity restrictions, and keeping your stress level low is going to be incredibly important. ”
I nodded.
I’d been pregnant before, but this was going to be a very different pregnancy.
“Please don’t worry about Asher,” Reese advised. “He’s going to be worried, but he’ll be there for you, Sierra. I have absolutely no doubt about that. He’s crazy about you.”
“I love him,” I told her. “After everything he’s done for me, it kills me that I may end up giving him a child he never wanted.”
“I don’t think he’s going to feel that way,” Reese answered gently. “The question is…what do you want?”
An incredibly fierce love for the child that was already growing in my womb flooded over me.
“I want this baby more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life except for Asher,” I confessed. “I never thought this would be possible for me, Reese. I know it still might not be. But I have to try. I think we both know this is my last chance.”
I’d probably never be willing to try again with a scarred uterus, even if Asher would agree, which I knew he wouldn’t. I’d be too afraid any child I would conceive would suffer because of the multitude of things that could go wrong.
It was also highly unlikely I’d ever conceive again.
If this conception was a miracle, how likely was it to happen again?
However, now that I found myself in this situation, I had to try to have this baby.
If something happened, I’d be devastated, but I’d have to accept it as my fate.
I’d eventually accepted that I’d never have a child once.
I could get through it a second time.
I’d prefer that to never knowing what could have happened.
Reese pulled me into a tight hug. “Then I’m going to be here for you every step of the way,” she said tearfully. “So will Hannah, Millie, Anna, and Lauren. No matter what happens.”
My tears began to flow freely as I hugged her back.
God, how lucky was I to have so many dear friends that were ready to be at my back during a time like this?
I knew the strength of the Remington women, and it was going to be a strong benefit for me as this pregnancy developed.
If things went wrong…they’d be there.
If things were difficult…they’d be there.
If this pregnancy progressed, they’d be there, cheering me on.
Cole and Asher’s cousins would be there for him, too.
I knew that without a single doubt.
“We’ll get you through this, Sierra,” Reese promised as she continued to hug me tightly.
That was a vow that I knew I could count on with a rather uncertain future, and I clung to those words.
I’d get through this, just like I’d gotten through everything else in my life.
Sometimes I was a lot stronger than I thought.