Five
Willow I’m-Such-A-Liar Tate
Guilt ate at me like little drips of acid. I wasn’t happy; Jameson wasn’t happy. But I saw no way out of this thing I’d created. Plus the man was as blind as a rock.
I mean, I’d told him the truth. I loved the father of my baby. Dr. Bob had told us how far along I was. It didn’t take much more than a memory and basic math to figure out when I’d gotten knocked up.
Jameson just didn’t want to see it.
For the past two days since the appointment, he’d been eyeing me as if I were a one-of-a-kind toy, the thing he’d always wanted, always intended to claim, but now saw belonged to someone else. I wanted to yell at him to wake up, but I refused to have an I’m doing the right thing husband. I knew he’d insist on marrying me. All the Cassels were honorable, even Jamie, especially Jamie in my opinion.
God, I really wished I had someone to talk to about this, but I had no siblings, my mom was gone, and two of my besties were married to Jamie’s brothers, Fray and Luke. I could call Penny or Phoebe, our other close friends who rounded out our group. Tapping my fingers I considered which sister to phone. Phoebe was traveling for work, but Penny would be done with teaching for the day. She was the perfect choice anyway, since she kinda knew about my situation.
Since it was past five, I didn’t feel bad calling from my office. I closed my door and dialed up Pen.
“Hey, girl, hey!” she crowed across our connection, bringing a smile to my lips.
“Hey, how’s it going?”
“Mmm…fine? What’s wrong?”
I sighed heavily. I didn’t call her only when I had problems, but she always knew when it was the case. We’d been roomies in college, and she was the closest I had to a sister.
“My life is a dumpster fire,” I groaned. “And one lie after another is just making it worse. Guess I should get used to it. I’m totally going to hell.”
“You are not,” she replied, not buying into my dramatics, a skill she’d developed from dealing with hormonal middle schoolers. “Tell me what you did and why the lies. I’m guessing you haven’t told Hot Brother Number that he’s going to be a daddy before all his older brothers will be.”
“Ding ding ding! Give the girl a prize,” I deadpanned.
“What happened?”
“I told him the truth, and he took it the wrong way. I mean…I wasn’t specific. I didn’t say, ‘Hey you’re the dad. Surprise!’ But the dingbat should be able to figure things out. I mean he was a frigging Math major in college. He just doesn’t want to see the truth because then he’d have to do something. And he definitely doesn’t want to do something because he doesn’t love me.”
“And…you want him to do something ?”
“No! Not if he doesn’t love me. I’m not an obligation!”
“You’re making me dizzy, friend. Look, I know what you grew up with, and it sounds horrible. Still, I know the Cassels and I know Jameson, just like you do—well, not exactly like you do. The thing is, he’s not like your father. He has feelings for you. If you told him that he was going to be a dad, he’d be all in. One hundred percent invested.”
“I know.” He’d be all in for his child. I was being selfish because I wanted more.
“And doesn’t he deserve to know?”
“Yeah,” I sighed.
“And…”
“God, I can tell you’re used to dealing with junior high kids,” I complained, annoyed more at myself than at her.
“And annoying besties,” she laughed. “So…”
“I know I have to tell him the baby is his, and I know he will be the best dad he can be, but I don’t want him to choose me because he has to, you know? I don’t want to be second choice. I want to be his first choice. I never will be. He’s told me a million times he doesn’t love me.”
“What?” she asked in disbelief.
“It’s a thing between us. I say ‘You love me,’ and he says ‘Never going to happen.’ I mean, I’m not a rocket scientist, but—”
“Obviously,” she deadpanned, interrupting me.
“What?” I said, echoing her question from a second ago.
“Don’t you think maybe that’s a game between the two of you? He’s playing the game? ”
Crap . Was he? Could Jameson possibly actually love me? Like love me love me?
“Oh no…” I breathed.
“Willow?” she asked.
“He’s going to hate me when I tell him,” I whispered.
“He might be angry, but he’ll get over it. You two snipe at each other like crazy, but that man could never hate you.”
I shook my head, even though she couldn’t see me. “I don’t know. This is pretty big. He’s going to hate me and fire me and try to take the baby—”
“Whoa! Okay, there, let’s put the brakes on the overdramatic, hormonal train, girl. I have known all the Cassels long enough to know Jameson would never hurt you.”
“She’s got that right, though I might fucking spank you,” an angry voice growled from the doorway to my office—the door I’d closed but was now open. Jameson looked thunderous yet a little bemused. I wondered how much he’d heard. Too much probably.
“Penny, I’ve got to go,” I said.
“Sounds like it. Love you.”
“Love you, too.” I disconnected and looked up at the man I loved, the man who looked like he could strangle me right now. “Jamie—”
He held up a hand. “I saw the light under your door, and I was wondering why you were still here on a Friday night. And… Why the hell would you think I’d hurt you?”
Right then, I realized he hadn’t heard the part about him being the father of my child. Also, I knew I had no choice but to tell him the truth—the whole truth and not the partial truth right now.
“Jamie… I didn’t…” I shook my head, gathering courage. I stood to face him. “Jameson, there’s not another man in my life.”
He stared at me, and I could see my point wasn’t sinking in. Time to jab harder.
“There’s. No. Other. Man,” I enunciated.
His head tilted, his brows starting to knit, making him look a little like a confused puppy.
“ Oh for fuck’s sake, how do I even love you? ” I muttered under my breath.
“I…”
“You’re the only man I’ve slept with. Ever ,” I practically yelled.
His lips parted, the color blanching from his face, and he staggered slightly.
“I… You… We…” His hand waved at me, generally in the direction of my belly and our child.
“Yes,” I said simply.
He sucked in a breath, shook his head once then turned and walked right out of my office without a word.
What the hell?
I stared after him, expecting him to storm right back in, demanding answers, demanding all my wildest dreams. When he didn’t, tears welling in my eyes. I dropped dropped into my chair, burying my face in my hands to muffle my sob.
That went fucking spectacularly well.
About as spectacularly well as a train wreck.
I’d told him he was going to be a father, and he’d left. Just left. What the hell?
Blinking back tears, I started to gather my things to leave for the day. I needed to get out of here and get someplace where I could just shut down, sink into a hot bath and pretend to have a nice big glass of wine. Juice would have to do. Then I’d curl up in my most comfortable jammies and do what I’d done way too many nights for the past few months—cry and figure out where to go from here.