10. Tanya
10
TANYA
This weekend is supposed to be the first of many that Sophia and I are going to spend in this new apartment. I wanted to do a trial run before we stayed more than a few days. I know that Chandler wants us to move into his place, especially since we are supposed to be engaged and getting married, but there is still something holding me back.
A sense of trepidation has settled in the pit of my stomach, and no matter what I do, I can’t shake it. The way he just blew off Sophia about seeing the roof for work doesn’t make the feeling any better either. I watch him walk out of the apartment with her in my arms, sniffling and on the verge of tears, and the rage I feel is making my blood boil.
This isn’t how parents are supposed to act, and he has another thing coming if he thinks he can just put things off. A noise from the kitchen reminds me that we are not alone. I turn and make eye contact with Lisa, and she gives me a sympathetic smile. I lean down and kiss the top of Soph’s head and pat her back so she will let go of my waist.
“Are you hungry, baby?”
She nods solemnly at me, and my heart breaks at her sadness. Lisa is just finishing putting the food away, and when I set Sophia up at the huge island that is in the middle of the kitchen and living room, she turns to face us.
“Would you like me to cook you something? I can make whatever you want.”
It’s sweet of her to offer, but I’m not comfortable having someone take care of us when I’m perfectly capable of doing so myself.
“Thank you, but I think I’ll handle it. It’s a lot to take in, and I think some normalcy will be good for the both of us.”
I smile at her, hoping to soften the blow of the rejection.
“Of course. I understand.”
She looks like she wants to say more, but stops when she looks over at Soph.
“Do you mind if I say something?”
My stomach flip-flops at her question.
“Uh, sure.”
She walks to the end of the kitchen, a good distance away, where, with our voices pitched low, Sophia won’t hear us.
“I know all of this must be overwhelming for you and you don’t know who you can trust right now, but I’m here if you have any questions. I can try and help you figure out who you were before the accident. Who better than the person who takes care of your home, right?”
She says it as a joke, and I laugh politely in reply, but it makes me worry about how I may have treated her.
Was I a terrible person who demanded people to wait on me hand and foot?
One of my biggest fears is finding out that I hate who I was before, and this woman might be able to tell me who I was. I don’t think I can handle finding out more about past me right now with everything else going on, but I know I will have to one day.
“Thank you for that. I may take you up on it, but just not right now. I’m still trying to get used to the idea that I have a past to learn about now, and my main focus has to be Sophia in all of this.”
She nods and pats my hand that is resting on the counter next to us.
“I understand. Just know I’m here if you need me.”
For some reason, her kindness makes me emotional, and as she turns and walks back over to Soph, I have to take a moment to collect myself and swallow down the lump in my throat. She’s right that I don’t know who I can trust. These people know me, but I have no idea who any of them are. I don’t know if they are going to tell me what they want me to hear or the truth.
There are bound to be snakes in the den, and I needed to be careful. Not everyone is going to be like the people of Willow Creek.
After Lisa left, I made Soph and I a quick and easy dinner before she and I got to work setting up the few things we bought with us around the apartment. I don’t want to move us too fast. Sophia still has her school and friends, but I want her to get used to having two parents now.
Chandler still hasn’t come back by the time I’ve finished giving Soph her bath, and as she’s changing into her pj’s, my phone chimes with a text. I leave Sophia in the bathroom to change and grab my phone from where I left it in the kitchen.
Chandler: I’m still at work, but I want to extend an invite to you and Soph to join me tomorrow for a gala at an art gallery. It’s for charity and should be a lot of fun.
We haven’t seen him since he walked out earlier after disappointing Soph, and now he wants us to drop what we may have planned to go with him to a work thing. Instead of answering him right away, I turn and go to Soph’s new room to ask what she thinks. She’s not in her room, and when I find the bathroom empty as well, my stomach drops as I rush out to the main area and search for her.
“Sophia?!”
Her voice is just barely audible down the hallway on the other side of the place.
“In here Mommy!”
I follow her voice down the hall and find her getting comfortable in the middle of the king size bed in my new room. I stop in the doorway and cross my arms, trying to look stern.
“And who said you could sleep in here?”
She smiles sweetly at me, and her bashful look is just too cute.
“Can I?”
I drop my arms and walk over to the bed, climbing in next to her and tucking her into my side.
“Of course you can. Do you want me to read to you?”
She nods and snuggles deeper into the blankets and into my side.
“Alright, first, I want to talk to you about something.”
How are you supposed to check on how your kid’s doing with life when even you don’t know what’s going on?
She waits for me to talk and plays with one of my hands.
“Are you okay with us living here on the weekends?”
She shrugs one shoulder, a tell of hers that she has either something to say or wants to ask a question.
“Come on, out with it.”
She heaves a big, dramatic sigh and sits up to face me. We both move around a minute until we are both on the bed, sitting cross-legged and facing each other.
“I like this place, but why do we have to live away from Chandler?”
Surprise makes me fumble for my words. I didn’t expect her to want to live with him just yet. She’s been acting like he’s just another person in her life and it’s not a big deal he’s here.
“Well, there are a lot of reasons. Do you want us all to live together?”
She shrugs again, and I place my pointer finger on her forehead and nudge her a little, making her giggle.
“All my friends at school have both a mom and a dad, and they all live together. I thought, since we found my dad, that we would all live together like they do.”
I really have no idea what I’m doing.
“Well, that’s the goal, but I want us all to take it slow. We all need to get used to each other, we can’t just move in together and be a family right away.”
Her big blue eyes look up to me for all the answers.
“Why not?”
Blowing out a breath, I try to think of a way to explain this messed up situation to an eight-year-old.
“Well, you know how Mommy can’t remember her life before a certain time right?”
She nods, her little eyebrows furrowed.
“Okay, that means that I don’t know Chandler anymore. Just like you don’t know him, so to be safe and make sure everyone is happy, we all have to get to know each other. Plus, we are only going to be here on the weekends for now. You are still in school; don’t you want to keep going to school with your friends?”
She nods, but the look on her face tells me I’m not doing a good job at explaining this to her.
“How about this? Why don’t we take this day by day, and if you have any questions for me or Chandler, you can just ask, okay?”
“Okay, but...”
I wait for her to think about her question.
“Why can’t I call him daddy? I call you mommy.”
My heart squeezes in my chest.
“That is something that you would have to ask him, but I don’t think he would have a problem with it, he may just be waiting on you to be comfortable with it.”
This seems to lift her spirits some, and it makes me realize that I haven’t been paying close enough attention to how she’s been feeling in all of this.
“Okay, I have another question for you. What do you say about going to a charity event with him this weekend? He invited us to go, and if you want, maybe you can talk about it with him then?”
Her eyes light up and she nods happily. I smile at her, and we both get back into a better position for me to read to her. She falls asleep halfway through the book, and I slip out of bed carefully to get ready for bed myself. Quickly sending a replay to Chandler before going to sleep.
Me: We would love to.
I have no idea what time Chandler got home last night, or if he even made it home, but when I wake up the next morning, there is a text waiting from him.
Chandler: Great, I will have outfits delivered to you today.
Rolling my eyes, I place my phone on the bed and climb out, trying not to wake Sophia. I don’t like that he spends so much money on me. Sophia is his daughter; he should focus on her.
You agreed to marry him.
I cringe at the thought. I don’t know why I did it. He made it all make sense at the time, and I wanted the best for Sophia, but I’m starting to second-guess agreeing to it. We haven’t spoken about it since, and I’m starting to think it was some kind of fever dream.
I make breakfast on autopilot, too caught inside my own head to pay attention to anything around me. I jump at the sound of someone knocking at the door and end up burning my thumb on the pan I’m using to fry bacon.
“Shit, ow.”
I place the tip of my thumb in my mouth and go to answer the door. My hand in still to my mouth when I pull the door open and Chandler is standing on the other side, his eyes instantly going to my mouth. His eyes darken as he clears his throat.
“You okay?”
I take my thumb out of my mouth and look at the burn.
“Yeah, I just burned my thumb on the bacon pan.”
His heated look turns to concern, and he takes a step closer to me.
“Let me see.”
He gently takes my hand in his and inspects my thumb. He lowers his head and blow on the burn, and I no longer care about the pain. I can’t even feel the pain anymore. My entire focus is on his mouth and my hand.
“It doesn’t look too bad; do you feel like you need some burn cream?”
I slowly shake my head no, just barely able to answer him. His mouth curls into a smirk, and my eyes lift to see that he is watching me and knows what I was thinking.
“Um, no. It’s fine; I’m fine.”
He drops my hand, still smirking
“I have to get breakfast off the stove.”
I turn around quickly and head to the kitchen, my face hot and my heart racing. I can hear his footsteps behind me as I get to the stove and take the bacon off the burner.
“Is Soph still sleeping?”
“Yeah, she slept in my bed last night if you want to go check on her.”
I’m hoping he does so I can get a moment to catch my breath. Every time I’m around him I lose all sense.
“No, let her sleep some more. I wanted to talk to you about tonight.”
Breakfast is finished and I no longer have an excuse to not face him. I turn and lean against the counter next to the stove.
“I had Jillian pick out dresses for the two of you for tonight. They should be here about noon so that you can get ready. I’ll stop by here to get you at seven. Is that enough time for you to get ready?”
Cocking my head to the side, I say, “Is seven hours enough time to get ready? Yeah, I think.”
He chuckles and rubs at the back of his neck.
“I know, I just wanted to be sure. I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed; I know you aren’t used to this world anymore.”
That heavy weight in my stomach appears again. It’s there every time someone points out that I don’t remember anything about being in this world.
“Yeah, we will be ready at seven.”
He nods while looking around the apartment, and suddenly it feels awkward.
“Do you want some breakfast?”
“No, thank you. I’m actually going to head up to my place. There is so more work that I need to get done. Let me know when Soph is up. I’d like to say good morning to her.”
I have to clench my jaw to keep from saying anything about his work. I understand that he has a business to run, but I thought with us being here he would tone it done, at least take the days off. The smile I give him feels forced, and I know he sees it, but he doesn’t comment on it; he just turns and leaves the apartment.
As I watch him leave again, I get a sense of déjà vu that doesn’t sit well with me.
Soph woke up thirty minutes after Chandler left, and I feel a bit better when he comes down and spends some time with her, leaving only when our dresses arrive so we can get ready.
I made sure Sophia ate, had a bath, and was ready so that all she had to do was put on her dress and shoes just before it was time to leave. After she was done, I got myself ready. I took a long shower, making sure to shave and moisturize everything. I take the time to slowly do my hair and makeup. I focus on every little task to keep from having a panic attack over going out tonight.
So far, our outings have been small, and I’ve been able to handle them, but something about tonight feels bigger than the rest.
Just as I finish getting Soph’s shoes on, a knock sounds from the door, and when I look at the clock, I see it’s seven on the dot.
“Alright, girlie. You ready?”
She nods before taking off for the door. I follow behind her at a slower pace, and when she rips open the door, she surprises everyone, including herself, when she yells, “Hi, Daddy!”
As soon as the words leave her mouth, she freezes. I keep my eyes pinned on Chandler to watch his reaction. I was going to warn him that she was going to ask about calling him that, but I think she got overexcited about the idea.
Chandler is frozen too, his face a picture of shock, and I’m about to step forward and smooth the situation over, but before I can, his face splits into a huge smile and he kneels in front of her, holding his arms out.
“Hey, baby girl.”
She jumps into his arms, and as he hugs her, I can see tears in his eyes. I can feel my eyes well up as well. This is what I’ve always wanted for her. To have a father in her life that can wrap her in his arms and protect her at all costs.
Oblivious to the emotional moment she created, Sophia pulls out of his arms and jumps around.
“Let’s go!”
Chandler stands and sniffles as he chuckles and holds his hand out for Sophia to go to the elevator.
“After you.”
She takes off, and as I reach Chandler’s side, he stops me.
“I want to give you this. I know we need to talk about it more, but I figured we could start with this tonight.”
I’m not sure what he’s talking about until he reaches into the inside pocket of his suit jacket and pulls out a little square box. My heart stutters in my chest as I stare at the ring box. I don’t know why this never occurred to me, wearing a ring, but I’m taken aback by the sight of it. He opens it to reveal a silver ring with a large diamond in the center and smaller ones running along the band.
The only thought I have in my head is the fact that I’m going to get it caught on everything.
“Wow.”
Chandler laughs and takes the ring out of the box before taking my left hand in his right.
“I hope that’s a good wow.”
He doesn’t put the ring on yet, just holds it up to my finger as he waits for my answer. Once I look up into his hopeful eyes, I don’t have the heart to tell him I would never wear something so large.
“Do you like it?”
No.
“Yes, it’s beautiful.”
He smiles and slides the ring onto my finger before leaning over and kissing me on the temple.
“I’m so happy that I found the two of you.”
His words are soft, and I’m not sure if he meant to say them out loud or not. Before I can reply, he takes my arm and loops it through his, leading us down the hall to where Sophia is waiting for us by the elevators.
I’m in a trance as the two of them talk about what’s going to happen tonight. I can’t focus on anything other than the feel of the ring on my finger. It’s heavy, like he tied a weight to my finger with a cold string.
I know what all of this means, I know what it means to him, but something is telling me that we shouldn’t be doing this. It’s too soon, and just because he knows things about me that I don’t even know and he is the father of my child, it doesn’t mean we have to get married.
When we get outside, Chandler’s driver is waiting for us by a SUV. We all climb in, and the whole ride to the art gallery I feel like my chest is being squeezed tight by an invisible force. It’s hard to breathe, and I’m thankful that Chandler and Sophia are too busy talking to each other to notice my panic.
I have no idea what is going to happen, but I do know this night could change everything; there’s no way it won’t.