17. Tanya
17
TANYA
The rest of our vacation is just as amazing as that first day. We went snorkeling almost every day and spent the rest of it on our own little private part of the beach outside of our villa.
I tried my hardest to stay out of my head and enjoy the moment. Chandler said that since I was so concerned about us not knowing each other, then the only solution was to get to know each other. Every night we spent our time from dinner until we went to bed asking each other questions.
It felt good to talk. I learned a lot about him, like his parents traveled constantly when he was a kid, so they often left him with nannies. He’s lived in the city since he was two and has traveled all over the world. I haven’t had the courage to ask about how we met; every time I try to ask him any questions about us, I get nervous and change the topic.
He’s been open about everything, even telling me things I can tell that he doesn’t really want to, and I’m grateful for it. It lets me know that I can trust him.
Our last night on the island I decide that I need to meet him halfway. I can see the effort he is putting in, and I want him to know that I see it. That I want us to try, even with all my fears and worries.
I wake up early, before Chandler for once, and I quietly slip out of bed and put on my robe. He’s lying on his stomach, his arms folded under the pillow and his broad back on full display. We’ve both gotten a nice tan from all our time spent outside, and I stand there appreciating his form for a minute. Shaking myself from my thoughts, I turn and leave the bedroom to start some breakfast for us.
I know exactly what I want to do today, and it starts with making him something to eat. I open a pack of bacon and my stomach rolls. I have to cover my mouth and turn away to breathe for a moment.
Placing my hand on my stomach, I talk to the baby. “Alright there, sweetheart. I need you to give Mommy a break. I’ve got to make your daddy breakfast, and you having a negative reaction to any kind of food is not going to help.”
I take a deep breath through my nose and slowly exhale. A deep chuckle sounds behind me just before Chandler’s strong arms wrap around me and he spreads his large hands over my stomach.
“Take it easy on your momma, baby boy. She’s a good one and deserves some rest.”
He kisses my neck and tries to guide me toward the kitchen table, but I don’t budge.
“You go sit and I’ll make breakfast. I don’t think you’re far enough along for us to convince him to ease up.”
“We could be having a girl, you know. What are you going to do if she gets here, and you’ve been referring to her as a boy?”
He tries to get me to move again, but I still don’t move.
“ If that happens, then I will apologize to her, but it’s a moot point ‘cause we are having a boy. Now, go sit.”
He smacks my butt, making me yelp, and when I turn to glare at him, rubbing where he hit, he smiles at me.
“I’m supposed to be making you breakfast.”
He’s standing between me and the stove so I can’t move around him to start cooking.
“I don’t think that’s going to happen when you can’t even open the bacon without almost hurling all over the place.”
Sighing, I turn and go to the table. He’s right, and I don’t like it.
He follows me and leans his hands on the table and chair to hold himself up as he leans down and kisses me.
“You can do all the cooking when he’s here.”
I roll my eyes at him because we both know that’s not happening.
“I wanted to do something special for you.”
He cocks his head to the side, searching my face.
“What for? This week is for you and your birthday.”
I sit up straight and cup his face in my hands.
“To thank you for everything.” My words are soft as I speak them.
He smiles, and it’s a shy, sweet smile that melts my heart.
“You don’t have to do that. You’ve given me a beautiful daughter and are going to give me another baby. You’ve given me everything.”
I can feel tears start to form as I lean in and kiss him softly. It’s moments like this when I want to allow myself to fall for him the most. I can see why I did the first time, even though I can’t remember it.
He pulls back first, smiles at me, then stands and turns to cook us breakfast while I watch him move around the kitchen with ease. He makes us a quick meal with the stuff I left out and brings everything to the table, making sure I have a ginger ale to help with my nausea. Luckily, I no longer need it and I’m able to eat my food without any issues.
“I don’t remember the part of my pregnancy with Sophia where I had morning sickness. It kind of feels like I’m going through this for the first time.”
I lick some of the syrup off my fork, and the look that Chandler gives me makes my whole body fill with liquid heat.
“I think we should plan to have a dinner party when we get back. I’m sure people are starting to find out that you’re back, and they are going to want to see you and find out what happened. It doesn’t have to be anything big, just people that were important to us. If you don’t feel comfortable with it, we can always cancel. Ever since we went to the gallery the press has been on my neck about getting a story.”
I grimace at the thought of the press. I’m still not happy about how things were handled, but I know this is a part of being in Chandler’s world. Which is another reason I’m worried about raising our children in it.
Before my thoughts can spiral and put me in a funk for our last day, I shake myself and clear my throat.
“We can do that, and while we’re at it, maybe we can work on moving Sophia and I into your apartment instead of staying in the extra one.”
His eyes light up.
“You want to move in permanently?”
Hearing the words come out of his mouth makes my chest squeeze with panic, but I stay strong.
“Yes, but it’s still only going to be on the weekends. I’m not going to take Sophia out of school in the middle of the year, but if we are going to be a family, then we need to be together. After she finishes the school year, we can talk to her about what she wants to do and figure out what to do from there.”
He stands and pulls me up with him before cupping my face in his hands and kissing me. I could feel all of his joy and excitement in this kiss. It almost made me feel bad that I still wasn’t one hundred percent on board with us.
His eyes are bright and happy when he pulls back.
“You have no idea how happy you’ve made me.”
He places kisses all over my face until I’m laughing and trying to push him away.
“Stop, you weirdo. Let me clean up the dishes so we can start our day of doing nothing.”
He chuckles and lets me go, but he doesn’t let me start cleaning. Instead, he pushes me to the chair again.
“You sit; I’ll clean.”
I raise an eyebrow at him.
“You cooked; I can clean, especially when I was supposed to be cooking for you .”
He swats his hand through the air and starts picking up dishes.
“You’re pregnant and that tops everything. Stay there and keep me company while I clean.”
I shake my head at him, but I can’t keep the smile off my face. I don’t know if it’s because we are on vacation or because of where we are, but he has seemed so relaxed since we got here. I like seeing him this way. Unplugged from his work and not worried about having to deal with emergencies or have a ton of meetings to go to. I only wish that Sophia was here to enjoy this as well. She hasn’t seen him this way.
This is the kind of dad I want my children to have, and it’s reassuring that I can see this side of him. He starts some music on his phone and keeps the volume low enough that we can talk without having to yell over it. I’m suddenly hit with a sense of déjà vu.
It feels like we have been here before. Not in the literal sense, not in the Maldives, but like what is happening in this moment has happened before. For a moment, I feel like I’m seeing two. I’m seeing Chandler as he is now cleaning up our breakfast dishes in the small villa kitchen, and at the same time, I’m seeing him in his kitchen at the penthouse in New York. I can almost see him in one of his suits, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, doing the dishes.
I don’t know if it’s a memory that I’m seeing or if I’m just picturing what it would be like for us in the future but seeing double is making me dizzy and giving me a headache. I blink to clear my vision and stand shakily to move over to his side, lifting myself onto the counter beside the sink. I want to be close to his side, being near him makes me feel better.
After breakfast, we change into our bathing suits again and head outside. Chandler agreed that spending our last day just the two of us without anyone else around was the best way to end our amazing vacation.
We’ve been outside for thirty minutes, and I haven’t been able to take my eyes off of Chandler’s body. I don’t know if it’s the hormones or the fact that I’ve finally let myself want him, but all week all I’ve wanted was to touch him and have him touch me. We’ve had sex every night we’ve been here, just about all over the villa, and I still don’t feel like I’ve gotten enough of him.
I wonder if I was this insatiable before the accident .
“I can feel your eyes on me, baby.”
A smirk takes over his lips, and I roll my eyes at his cockiness.
“I’m simply taking stock of the changes in your body that are telling of you turning forty.”
His eyes pop open and he sits up.
“Hey! There isn’t an inch of me that says forty, woman. You should know after the last week.”
I laugh loudly at his scandalized expression, and he throws a towel at me, but I see the smile on his lips.
“Okay, okay. You’re still hot for almost forty.”
He turns to looks at me, and the look on his face makes me sit up as well. Instead of waiting for him to come to me when he stands, I stand as well, and when he smiles in response, taking a step closer to me and most likely expecting me to do the same, I walk around my lounge chair and walk to the water.
“I’m going for a swim.”
I hear him growl behind me, but I don’t turn to look at him. I want to tease him and rile him up some more. Just as I reach the edge of the water, I feel his arms wrap around me as he lifts me into the air.
“Hey!”
He puts me right back on my feet and turns me to face him, cupping my face with one hand, his thumb holding my chin and his fingers behind my ear.
“It’s not nice to tease people.”
We end up just smiling at each other for a moment, and in a split second, I can see that I could end up falling in love with him without my memories. As he stands before me, I can see that he is a man worth loving. I reach up and trace his jaw line. It scares me that I can feel myself falling.
The smile falls from his face, and he pulls me closer, burying his face in my neck and taking a deep breath. I lose track of how long we stand there, just holding onto each other.
I turn my head so that I can whisper in his ear.
“Let’s go inside.”
I feel him shiver as my lips brush his ear before he stands up straight and unwinds himself from around me.
“You don’t want to spend the day out here?”
I shake my head no and walk around him, turning my body so that I keep facing him and start to walk backwards toward the villa.
“Nope. I want to spend our last day in paradise in bed.”
He stops following me and yanks me to his body before lifting me into his arms and wrapping my legs around his waist.
“Fine by me.”
He walks us into the villa with me kissing up and down his neck the whole way. We make it into the kitchen, where he sets me down on top of the table. I move my lips up his neck and across his jaw, nipping him along the way, until I can press my lips against his. He groans into my mouth, and the sound makes me feral.
His chest is bare, and I smooth my hands from his shoulders down to the waist band of his swim trunks. I slide my fingers into them and rub them back and forth on his stomach. He groans again and pulls back, his breathing is heavy, and I love the fact that I have this effect on him.
“I love the feeling of your hands on me. It drives me crazy.”
I slide one hand fully into his trunks and wrap my hand around him. He lets out a breath and drops his head to my shoulder.
“ Baby.” His voice is rough with desire.
I stroke his length once before he pulls my hand out and holds it behind my back.
“I can’t handle that right now; I won’t last long if you do that.”
He takes my free hand and brings it behind my back with the other and holds both of my wrists in one of his hands. My chest is pushed out toward him, the perfect level for him to lean down and start trailing kisses along the edge of my bathing suit top. I want to put my hands on him again, but he won’t let me go, so all I can do is squirm under his mouth.
“Chandler.”
He bites down on my breast, making me gasp and arch my back.
“Chandler, please. I want to touch you.”
He finally releases my hands, and as soon as they are free, I run them all over his torso. His skin is warm from the sun and smooth. He moves up to my neck and sucks on the spot behind my ear. His hands work at untying my top, and once my breasts are exposed, he dips his head and sucks on my nipples, cupping my breasts in his hand and kneading them.
My head falls back as the shocks of lust shoot through my body, and I just want him to do more , so much more.
“I need more.”
He moans, and I can feel the vibrations travel from my breasts down to my core. He pulls back, and I regret saying anything.
“What do you need, baby? Tell me.”
He looks into my eyes, and I lose all thoughts. I wrap my legs around his hips and pull him tightly to me. I reach around and squeeze his butt in my hands, causing him to grind into me.
“You. I need you. All of you. Right now.”
He quickly shoves his trunks down, just far enough to release his cock, and I pull my bottoms to the side so he can thrust into me. Once he’s inside of me, it’s like all the stress and anxiety I was feeling fades.
“Lean back on your hands. I want to see your body.”
I do as he says and place my hands on the table behind me. My breasts thrust forward, and his eyes lock on them as he starts to thrust inside of me. He starts a slow, easy pace and gradually thrust harder and harder into me, never going any faster. The strength of his thrusts is moving the table, and he has to grab onto my hips to keep me from moving away.
“You’re so sexy like this. I love watching you. Watching your breasts bounce, your skin flushing a pretty pink. Fuck, you’re beautiful.”
I can’t focus enough to respond to him, but his words are driving me crazy, and I want him to keep going.
“More.”
One of his hands grazes over my hip and up my stomach, between my breasts, and around the side of my neck to the back where he grips me tightly.
“More what? You want me to keep telling you how much I love being with you?”
I nod, and he softens his thrusts. He leans forward and rests his forehead against mine.
“Every time I’m with you, every time I’m connected to you like this, it’s like I’ve come home. We fit so perfectly together. Every time feels like it can’t get any better.”
I’m breathless, both from his words and from what he’s doing to my body. It’s different this time; we aren’t just having sex. We’re making love. He’s showing me with his body how he feels for me, and every sensation is overwhelming.
“God, Chandler, yes, please.”
He brings his other hand up and grips my neck from the other side, keeping his head to mine. He starts thrusting harder and faster, and I can feel my orgasm starting to build. It’s building quick and strong, and I can’t do anything to stop it.
“That’s it. Let go, baby.”
I yell out, and all the sound in the room fades as I come apart around him. He keeps thrusting into me, bringing me through the most intense orgasm I can remember having.
“Chandler.” My voice comes out as a whine, and he pulls out of me before lifting me from the table and carrying me to the couch, where he sits down with me straddling his lap. I lift up enough for him to line himself up with me before I slowly lower myself down onto him, both of us moaning at the feeling of him being back inside of me.
We spend the rest of the day making love all around the villa, only stopping to eat, and even then we’re touching and kissing every part of each other’s bodies that we can reach.
Being close to him like this helps me feel more connected to him. It makes me feel like we can make it, that having a future together is not only possible, but that it will be amazing.
A part of me, though, deep down and hidden, worries that it won’t be like this when we get back home. It won’t be like this when he goes back to work, and Sophia and I go back to Willow Creek during the week. I want things to work out, both for our children and for myself. Even though I haven’t wanted to admit it, these last couple of months have been great with Chandler in our lives, and I’m scared of losing that.
How are we supposed to get past everything that has happened? How can we get past the fact that I may never get my memories fully back?