19. Tanya
19
TANYA
I woke up this morning with a headache, and it’s only gotten worse as the day has gone on. I figured it was just stress from waiting for the dinner to start—for the group of people I don’t remember to show up and start reminiscing about time I have no memory of.
But as everyone arrived, and I started to relax around them, it didn’t ease up any. It’s a constant throbbing pain in my temples. Once everyone moves to the living room after dinner, I take the opportunity to sneak off. I just need a moment to breathe. I’ve been having these flashes all night. Images of the people that are in the apartment, but in situations that I’m not sure are real or not.
I saw an image of Chandler’s dad and I sitting in the kitchen, talking about something over coffee. An image of his mother and I sitting together in the living together next to a tree decorated in lights.
I get to the guest bathroom and quickly close myself away. I lean against the sink and try breathing through the dizziness that is now taking over.
I know what is happening. It’s obvious what this is. I’m getting my memories back. There are still things that I can’t remember, but moments of my past are coming back. I can’t help but wonder if all of them are eventually going to come back or if this is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life. Flashes of moments from my past that I will never fully remember.
The dizzy spell passes, and I stand up straight, making sure I look okay before going back out there where I know I will be watched closely by everyone. I fix a few pieces of my hair that are trying to escape the low bun I have it in, take one more deep breath, and exit the bathroom.
I stop just inside the doorway when I catch sight of Josh leaning against the wall across the way. Something about him makes me nervous. Ever since he got here tonight, I’ve been on edge.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know anyone was waiting to get in.”
I don’t want to be near him, but I have to move out of the doorway for him to enter the bathroom. I move to the side so he can walk in, and then I can walk down the hall, but he doesn’t move from his spot.
“What game are you playing here, Tanya?”
I tilt my head to the side, not sure what he is talking about.
“What do you mean? I’m not playing any games?”
I hate that it comes out sounding like a question, but I’m so confused by what he said.
“I know you’re faking the amnesia. There is no way that you’ve spent the last decade not knowing anything about your life. What? Did you not expect Chandler to find you and that was the only way you could make him think you didn’t run away?”
I’m completely dumbfounded by his accusation. I have no idea how he could think that I would fake such a thing.
“I’m not faking anything. I don’t know why you think that.”
He scoffs and pushes away from the wall.
“Don’t play cute. You never wanted to be part of his life. You hated the fame and the money. You resented him for working so much, and as soon as you found out you were pregnant, you took off.”
Could that have been why I was traveling to Willow Creek without anything personal?
“I don’t know what you are talking about, Josh. I can’t even deny that claim against me because I. Don’t. Know.”
I say the last few words through my clenched teeth. I don’t know if this is out of some kind of protective instinct for his friend or because he never liked me, but I don’t like being called a liar. Especially over the one thing that has haunted my life for nine years.
“Cut the bullshit, Tanya. I know you’re lying, and I’m going to prove it to Chandler. Then he’ll kick your ass to the curb, and you can go back to your cozy little life in that piece of shit town. And if you think for one second you’re going to take any of his money, you have another think coming.”
He turns and storms back down the hall toward the living room, and I’m frozen in shock. I shake myself out of it and follow behind him. I don’t want to ruin this night for Chandler, and I don’t want anything to happen in front of Sophia.
I need to talk to Kayla.
Chandler makes his way over to us once we make it back to the living room. Josh stopping him with a slap on the back.
“Hey, man. Congrats on the new baby, and I guess on the first one too.”
He keeps his voice upbeat and cheery and walks by Chandler before he can say anything. He turns to me, and I avoid his eyes, if I look into them, I will tell him everything.
“What did he say to you?”
I shouldn’t be surprised that he can tell something is off, this man knows me like a map he studied for years.
“Nothing, we just ran into each other at the door of the bathroom.”
“Then why are you so pale?”
He cups my face, and I can’t help but smile. His hands are always so warm, and one touch from him calms me.
“I’m fine; just tired and the headache. Don’t worry; let’s go back out there.”
I take one of his hands from my face and kiss his palm, thankful that he’s always here for me. I walk past him, and he follows close behind. I know he isn’t going to let this go, I just pray he doesn’t try and get it out of me in front of everyone.
Sophia is tearing through her gifts as we sit down on the loveseat. I smile at her as she holds up a bracelet making kit and squeals. Her family is growing, and it’s bittersweet to see. I love that she has all of these people to love her, but it also means that my time with her is limited. Mr. and Mrs. Bishop are her grandparents, and they are going to want to spend time with her.
I place my hand on my stomach. It’s going to be odd having so many people around this time. I had the people in Willow Creek with Sophia, but they weren’t family to us at that point. These people are Sophia’s and the baby’s blood.
It’s not just going to be me and Soph anymore.
Chandler gets up and sits on the floor with Soph to help her open up some of the things that she got from her grandparents, and as I sit back and watch the two together, Chandler’s mother comes and sits next to me.
“How are you doing, sweetheart?”
I shift in my seat to sit up straighter, for some reason, the woman next to me intimidates me more than anyone else.
“I’m doing fine, thank you. It’s nice to see Soph around family.”
She smiles at the two and pats my leg.
“I know you are uncomfortable and don’t know any of us, but I’m glad that you are back safely with us and have brought these two new miracles into our lives.”
Her words make my throat tighten with emotions, and I clear it to try and get the feeling to pass. I’m not sure what to say to her, and when she just smiles reassuringly at me, I know I don’t have to say anything.
I’m surprised that during the rest of the night Chandler and Damien are able to ignore each other. I see them exchange glares every once in a while, but then I see Chandler glance at Soph and take a deep breath. Victoria has been all over Damien, to the point that I start to feel uncomfortable with Sophia in the room, but Mrs. Bishop is doing a good job at keeping her distracted. She’s trying to make Chandler jealous, and it doesn’t take long for me to reach my breaking point.
She slides her hand up Damien’s thigh higher than is appropriate with people in the room, and I give Chandler a look. If he doesn’t get them out now, I will. Sophia lets out a long yawn, and I’m surprised again when Mr. Bishop speaks up.
“Well, everyone. I think that’s our cue to go. Someone looks like they’re ready for bed.”
Sophia pouts at him.
“But I’m not tired.”
Everyone laughs quietly, and Chandler picks her up.
“Come on, sweets. Give everyone hugs and tell them goodnight.”
She does as he says with her little lip poking out, and once everyone has said their goodbye, they all finally leave. Chandler gets Sophia ready for bed while Kayla and I talk as I walk her to the elevator.
“How are you holding up?”
I blow out a breath, and she laughs.
“I’m exhausted.”
“I bet. His friend didn’t seem too fond of you all night.”
She looks angry on my behalf, and I’m grateful she was here with us.
“Yeah, he thinks I’m faking the amnesia. Told me that I’m trying to get Chandler’s money and that I ran off when I found out I was pregnant.”
She stares at me with her mouth open.
“What an ass.”
I laugh, but there is no humor in it.
“Agreed. Are you going to be okay down there by yourself?”
She waves me off. “Alone in a huge apartment? Oh yeah. That big comfy bed is calling my name.”
She waves at me as she gets on the elevator and the doors close. I walk back into the apartment just as Lisa is grabbing her things to leave.
“Thank you for tonight, everything was delicious.”
“My pleasure. Get some sleep.”
I close the door behind her and make my way to Sophia’s room to say goodnight, but she’s already asleep when I get there. Chandler’s tucking the blankets in around her.
“She passed out pretty much as soon as her head hit the pillow.”
My poor baby was exhausted.
I wait for Chandler to kiss her on the head, and then we both head to our bedroom. The headache still present and throbbing away. We both get ready for bed without saying anything, and as we climb into bed and Chandler pulls me in close, I finally relax fully.
“You okay?”
I nod and bury my face in his chest, wrapping my arms around his torso. I feel his lips on the top of my head before his quiet words.
“What did Josh say to you?”
I pull back to look at his face; his worried expression makes me tell him.
“He thinks I ran away from you and am faking the amnesia.”
Rage takes over his features, and I place my hand on his cheek, smoothing my thumb over it.
“Don’t be mad, he’s just being protective of you. You can’t blame him for being suspicious. It’s a crazy story.”
“He’s an ass and never should have told you that. I’ll talk to him about it tomorrow.”
I don’t bother arguing with him. I know I’m not going to be able to stop him, and the headache I’ve been fighting all day is at a new peak. I just want him to hold me as I fall asleep.
“Just hold me.”
He tightens his arms around me, and I start to drift off in seconds.
I wake with a jolt. I had been dreaming about the day that I was in the accident.
Everything comes rushing back to me in flash after flash. I remember everything. I remember being a child and living with my parents. I remember the day that I cut them off, the screaming and name calling that followed me out the door the last time I saw them. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant and packing all of my things, considering leaving Chandler.
My whole body is shaking, and I quietly slip out of bed, trying desperately not to wake Chandler. I grab my robe and slip it on as I walk out of the room, softly closing the door. I quickly make my way to Sophia’s room. She’s sound asleep, and I don’t want to wake her. I leave her door opened a crack and make my way out the penthouse and down the elevator to the second apartment. Kayla will know what to do.
It takes a few minutes of knocking to get her to answer the door, and when she opens the door, her hair is a mess and she’s squinting at me.
“What is it with you and your child waking me up so early?”
“I remember everything. I remember my whole life, and I was thinking about leaving Chandler when I found out about Sophia.”
She blinks at me, then her eyes widen, and she steps aside so that I can walk into the apartment.
“I’ll make coffee. Or do we need alcohol? Is it too early for alcohol?”
“I want to say it’s not too early, but I can’t drink right now.”
She nods, and I follow her to the kitchen and watch as she gets the coffee pot going.
“Lisa had to show me how to use this damn thing. It’s nothing like what we have in Willow Creek, not even at the Cozy Corner.”
She gets it brewing, and we take a seat at the island while we wait for it to finish.
“So, tell me what happened.”
I tell her about my dream and how when I woke up the images kept coming.
“I know things that I didn’t before. I remember everything about my life. Including why I was on my way to Willow Creek.”
“Which was?”
I don’t want to admit it aloud to anyone, not even myself.
“I found out I was pregnant the day of the accident. I had panicked. All I could think about was the fact that we never had a moment to ourselves. Every important event in our lives was followed up and documented by paparazzi. We were constantly surrounded by people, and Chandler worked so much that there were times that I had to handle it on my own. I started packing my things, ready to leave him. I was going to tell him about the baby, but that I was leaving and would raise her somewhere out of the public eye. Away from his money and everything that comes with it.”
Kayla’s eyes drop to my hands, where I’m twisting my ring around my finger.
“Do you know why you were traveling with nothing on you in a car that had no ties to you?”
I shrug at her.
“I was having doubts. As I was shoving things into a bag, my mind was racing, and I kept going back and forth on what I wanted to do. I loved him and didn’t want to leave him, but I also knew that I didn’t want to raise a child in his world. I knew if I stayed, I would be doing it all alone. I rented a car, and I was just going to be gone for the day. I rushed out of the house once the rental was delivered, and I just forgot everything on the bed. It’s why I crashed. I was distracted and a deer jumped out in front of me; I swerved to miss hitting it and lost control of the car.”
Kayla covers her mouth with her hand. “Shit.”
I nod my agreement.
“Well, what now? You have your memories back; you know why you left in the first place. How are you feeling now? I mean, you’re practically in the same position as you were nine years ago.”
I rub my hand across my stomach.
“I know.” My voice is low, almost a whisper, but it’s still heavy with meaning.
I’m fully aware that I’m in the same exact place I was nine years ago when I chose to run.
“What are you going to do, Tanya?”
I place my head in my hands, too exhausted, emotionally and physically to hold it up any more.
“I don’t know, Kayla. I have no idea what to do.”
I feel her hand on mine as she takes it away from my face and holds it.
“Look at me.” She waits until I do, her eyes serious and determined.
“Are you having second thoughts about marrying him now? Do you want to go back to Willow Creek permanently?”
I look back and forth between her eyes, trying to find the right answer in them.
“I love him, and the way he was these last few months after finding out what happened and being so patient with me made me love him even more.”
I stop to think about how to say this next part.
“But?”
“But I don’t know if I can do it. His world has always been so overwhelming for me. He’s had to work so hard to keep everyone away from us after he found us. I don’t know if I can raise a child, let alone two, in this world.”
I wish I could just see into the future to know how things will be if I stay with Chandler.
“Do you want my advice?”
“Please. I am desperate for someone to just tell me what to do.”
She raises an eyebrow at me and twists her mouth to the side, telling me that there is no way she’s going to do that.
“I think you need to take the week back in Willow Creek and think about everything. This is a big moment. You have your memories back and now have two lives you have to figure out how to mesh together. That isn’t something you are going to be able to figure out in one day. Then, I think you need to have a serious conversation with Chandler. These are his kids too. You can’t just leave.”
She’s right, and we both know it. A knock sounds on the door, and before she can open it, I know it’s Chandler. She lets him and Sophia in and leaves to go change.
“Good morning, beautiful.”
Chandler walks over to my side, kisses me on the head, then leans down and kisses my stomach.
“Good morning, baby boy.”
Tears well up in my eyes, and I push them back before either of them can see me cry. Sophia giggles and comes over, wrapping her arms around me and putting her face into my stomach.
“Good morning, baby brother! Good morning, Mommy!”
I lean down to kiss her forehead, and then give Chandler a look.
“Good morning, baby. You know, your daddy could be wrong, and you could be having a baby sister.”
Chandler smirks at me, and Sophia just shakes her head.
“Nope. Daddy’s right.”
Chandler laughs, and I roll my eyes, trying to keep the smile off my face.
The four of us hang out in the penthouse for the rest of the weekend. We watch movies and play games, and after Sophia goes to bed us adults talk and get to know each other. I don’t say anything to Chandler about getting my memories back just yet. I know that conversation will bring on a lot more and I’m not ready for them.
Kayla is right; I need to take the next week back at home and really think things through. As Chandler says goodbye to us on Sunday morning, I can’t help but feel like this is more than goodbye just for the week.
It feels like goodbye forever. Like we ultimately aren’t meant to be, and we’re not going to make it.