Chapter 10 #2
“It’ll never be enough,” Lauren sneered as she turned and made her way back to the front of the church.
Demi went to Charlie, who stood shell-shocked. She was covered in the filth that Lauren’s words had left behind. They weren’t untrue, and that’s what had hurt her most.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered to Demi, crying.
“It’s okay,” he said as he cradled her face in his large hands. He pressed his forehead to hers. The connection gave him a slight refill, like he was a dead car battery and she had given him a boost.
“Go home, Bird. You shouldn’t have come,” he whispered.
“Demi-”
He swiped away her tears with his thumb.
She needed him. He knew it. She wanted to be here so badly, but he couldn’t be her strength right now.
Her presence made this loss more painful for Lauren, and he couldn’t ignore or override that fact.
He motioned for Stassi, and Stassi stepped up to intervene.
“Charlie, you can’t stay,” Stassi whispered softly.
“And he can’t leave right now. This is the last time they get to see DJ.
This isn’t the time or place, Charlie. You can’t be here for this part. Come on, sis. You have to go.”
Demi loved this girl, but he couldn’t access that chamber of his soul, not today.
He could see the look in her eyes, and he was trying to muster up any other feeling than this despair he was feeling, but he couldn’t.
She was pleading with him, silently beseeching him with her eyes to save him, or at least to join her in Charliezonia, but Demi was too injured to take one step in her direction.
She was falling down a rabbit hole of impossibility.
She was worried about the wrong things, concerned about losing him, when in his mind, it would never happen.
He was lost right now, but Charlie was like the North Star.
He knew how to find his way back to her; he just needed to be able to carry her when he returned.
Right now, he couldn’t carry himself. The battle was lost against the emotions that came with telling DJ farewell.
Stassi pulled Charlie toward the exit as Demi made his way back to Lauren’s side.
Stassi got Charlie all the way to the parking lot before Charlie broke down.
She was hysterical, and Stassi couldn’t say she blamed her.
It was a fucked-up situation for everyone involved, where no right or wrong existed.
Stassi felt guilty for being able to attend the funeral when Charlie was banned, but at the same time, she understood why she symbolized pain.
It was unfair, but it was understandable.
Human emotion couldn’t be measured against morality at this moment.
Not when the death of a child was concerned, and unfortunately, Charlie was an easy target to blame.
She didn’t belong here. She was an outsider, and Lauren had all the power.
The fact that Demi hadn’t protected Charlie made Charlie feel worthless.
They lived together. She had let him inside her heart, mind, and soul.
He was growing in her body at this very moment.
Charlie felt like she should be able to enter any room at his side, but he didn’t even try to make room for her.
Lauren’s word was bond. She felt like trash, like he had used her up and set her out on the curb.
Men had hurt her in the past, but never had it cut so deeply.
This was an emotional lashing like no other.
She admired Demi. She loved him. She would do anything for him.
She was doing anything for him because having a baby was a gift he had begged her for.
He couldn’t even carve out a seat beside him for her.
Charlie had never felt more alone. Even when they first met, and he was married, she hadn’t felt this secluded.
It was like he was hiding her to tap back into his life with Lauren.
The ring on Charlie’s finger didn’t hold significance at all if it only held weight between the walls of their home.
Charlie’s world was shaken. Every decision Charlie had made since meeting him, she now questioned.
She had given up her independence. She had cut Justin off, who had been a good friend at one time.
She had distanced herself from her disapproving father.
All because she was placing her chips on Demi.
She was betting on love. This was a slap in the face, and Charlie wasn’t sure how they could ever find their way back to a good place after this. It seemed that love no longer mattered.
Demi felt like the world was sitting on his shoulders as he walked back toward his son. He was worried about Charlie, but his capacity to do anything about it was limited. He walked to the casket, leaned down over his child, and kissed the top of his head.
“I’ma miss you, big dawg,” he said. “Daddy loves you, man. Daddy loves you so much. I’m sorry for everything.
I’m so sorry. It’s me and you, forever, baby boy.
These your eyes now, man. Everything I see, everything I do, is in honor of you.
I wish you could be with me. Don’t be mad at your old man, but I can’t do this crowd.
I can’t share this pain with these people.
I’ma come see you when they’re all gone.
Look over me, DJ. Watch over your mama, too. ”
Eyes flooded and burning, Demi couldn’t take anymore.
He couldn’t sit and listen to the sermons; he couldn’t bear to hear the sad songs.
He couldn’t greet the people who had come from near and far.
He wanted no parts of any of it. None of it would make it better.
It was all for show. He stood upright and walked out of the side door of the church. He was done.
“Yo, Demi!”
Day’s voice followed him as he stepped out into the cold air.
Demi wished Day hadn’t followed him. He just wanted the privacy to cry in peace for a little while. He hadn’t been granted that since he found out about his son. He wiped both hands down his face and sniffed away his emotions before turning to face his friend.
“Don’t leave her side, Day. Whatever she needs. I just can’t be in there.”
“I know you need to get to Charlie but leaving don’t feel like the best idea. I don’t know if anybody is worth missing this,” Day said.
“I can’t be there either,” Demi admitted.
“When you lose your kid, being here when they ain’t just don’t feel right.
I don’t know where I belong. I don’t even know how I’m standing.
My son is about to be put under the dirt.
Do it even matter where I am after this?
Who am I without that little boy, bruh?”
Day couldn’t comfort Demi. God couldn’t even do that. There were no reassurances to make because no matter how many people told him it would be okay, Demi knew it would not. He just wanted to go somewhere and fire up. To be alone with a blunt and his woes was his only option.
“A’ight, get up out of here. Clear your mind.
Feel what you keep trying to stop yourself from feeling cuz I know you ain’t gon’ do it in there with all them eyes on you.
But don’t do nothing stupid, my nigga. I don’t know what losing a kid feels like, but I imagine it make you feel like leaving this here shit behind.
Lauren can’t lose nobody else, and you’re still responsible for another kid. One foot in front of the other.”
Demi nodded but couldn’t find words. He simply walked to one of the awaiting SUVs.
“Where to, Mr. Sky?”
“Anywhere but here,” Demi said. “You mind if I light up?” he asked.
“Handle your business, sir,” the driver said.
Demi had been working with the car service for years with his company.
He was grateful for the understanding. He found himself at the graveyard anyway, and he just stared at the hole in the ground where his son would rest. He trapped himself in that car, smoke filling the air, mind floating, heart sinking until he was numb.
He was the first one there because everyone else was sitting through the pomp and circumstance of the funeral.
He got good and high in the back of the SUV.
“I’m sorry for your loss, sir,” the driver said.
“Appreciate it, potnah,” Demi replied. “People think it helps. They say sorry, but it doesn’t change a damn thing. It just reminds a nigga that he down bad.”
“I’ve been there. I lost my son ten years ago.
He was gunned down off Pierson Road. Hanging out in the streets and caught a stray bullet at the car wash right there off Clio Road.
I still remember what it felt like when I got the call.
It’s a club that I wouldn’t wish on no man, but when I see another brother join up, my condolences are from the heart, young buck.
Sometimes you two seconds off checking out of here, and the random interruptions be the only thing to interrupt the insanity. ”
A renegade tear broke free, but Demi’s thumb made magic of it, instantly causing it to disappear.
“Thanks, man.”
They sat there in silence as Demi watched the gravediggers clear the plot in preparation for his son.
Two hours passed before he saw the processional enter the grounds.
He exited the truck and watched as the pallbearers, Day included, carried his son toward the hole in the ground.
Demi tapped Lauren’s cousin and took his place as he and Day led the way toward DJ’s final resting place.
The casket wasn’t that heavy, but it felt like he was carrying an elephant.
Every step felt like he was trudging through mud.
It was the slowest, most torturous journey he had ever taken.
It was below zero outside, but Demi couldn’t feel the frigid temperature.
He was already frozen before stepping out into the elements.
They placed DJ on the platform that hovered above the grave and then stepped back so that Nyair could give the final eulogy and prayer.
“Why would you leave me to do that alone?” Lauren hissed as he took his place beside her.
“You’re never there when I need you. Where were you when he needed you?
You take care of every other person around you.
What happened to taking care of home? I’ll never forget the way you moved on me, Demi.
Leaving my baby here, in this hole, when he should be alive and well at home with us. I’ll never forgive this.”
“I’ll never forgive myself, Lo. What else you got? What other fucked-up shit you need to get off your chest? Today of all days.”
Lauren lowered her eyes, and when she looked back up at him, he saw her plight shining in her eyes like it was playing on a movie screen.
“We have to leave him, Demi,” Lauren bawled.
“This is why I didn’t want to bury him because I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk away.
” She wasn’t the type of mom who spent a lot of time away from her child.
She hadn’t done the babysitting thing. She had never spent any real time apart from DJ.
She was hands-on. From the day he had been born, he had become her little best friend.
Where she went, he would follow, and when he wasn’t in her eyesight, he was with his father.
Driving away from this cemetery was going to feel like abandonment.
“I know,” Demi answered. He took her hand in his and she cowered against him as they said their final goodbyes.