Chapter 16
Ineed you to burn me, baby.
Charlie’s insides ached as she heard his voice play in her head.
She missed Demi terribly. Being apart felt like the worst form of pain, and she wondered if she was torturing herself more than she was torturing Demi.
Charlie knew that feeling sad without Demi wasn’t a good enough reason to go back to him.
The end of a relationship was supposed to hurt. She knew that much.
I just have to get through this, she thought. It will get better with time.
At least it was supposed to. That’s what all the self-help bullshit said.
She didn’t quite understand how life would ever be okay without him.
She loved him that much. She wondered if he was doing okay.
She wondered where he was and who he was with.
These were all questions he would willingly answer, but Charlie was too stubborn to call.
She wanted him to think that she didn’t care.
She wanted him to feel unimportant like she had for the past few weeks.
The nausea that plagued her was crippling, and she wished he was here to baby her.
She knew he would give her everything her heart desired.
Even before she had gotten pregnant, Demi spoiled her endlessly.
Neck rubs and foot massages, randomly. Serving her.
Coddling her. Eating her. Affirming her.
His obsession with all things Charlie made her feel like a queen.
She needed that attention right now. On a day when it took great effort to hold herself up in the shower, she needed it badly.
She had no idea it took so much work to bring a child into the world.
She was used to beautiful, brown bellies and balloon arches at baby showers.
The maternity pictures and over-the-top celebrations covered up the pure hell women went through during those 40 weeks.
She would be 12 weeks in a few days, and she couldn’t wait to be out of the danger zone.
Her OB had told her that her chances for miscarriage dropped drastically at the 12-week mark and her nausea should ease some, so she was eagerly counting the days.
Charlie was struggling, and she was too damn mad at everybody to ask for help.
Demi was on her shit list. Lauren, she just hated, and although she knew it was unwarranted, she just couldn’t shake the jealousy she felt whenever Lauren was around.
It was almost an admiration. Lauren was just everything that Charlie wished she could be.
She was successful, driven, smart, tough, and so damn graceful.
It was the respect that Demi had for Lauren that made Charlie admire her most. Lauren had done and said a lot of bullshit over the years regarding Demi and Charlie, but Demi still put her on a pedestal.
He still viewed her as someone he looked up to.
Charlie would never have that part of him.
His respect was impossible to earn. She had no idea that his love was just as hard to receive.
He had spoiled her by giving it away to her so freely.
At first sight, and at first listen, Demi had emptied his pockets like she had stuck him up.
She had robbed him of his heart, and she took that for granted.
Demi was a hard, reluctant, untrusting, and unyielding man.
He wasn’t soft on anyone, but that’s all he could be with Charlie.
She couldn’t see it, though, because she was too busy comparing what he gave her to what he gave to Lauren.
Hell, she compared the energy everyone gave to Lauren.
Even my own sister took her side, Charlie thought. The self-pity was high. Charlie had a bone to pick with everybody. She wasn’t asking the people she loved to leave Lauren high and dry. She just wanted them not to forget her.
I just want to be there too. It’s like my feelings don’t even count, she thought.
She found herself walking toward DJ’s room.
It was cryptic to push open the door. It was like a museum to Demi’s dead son, and the lump that suddenly formed in her throat seemed to suffocate her.
She just felt like crying. The thought of DJ made her emotional in ways she couldn’t quite explain.
She sat on his bed, and her eyes fell on the book she had never gotten the chance to gift him.
My Big Brother just remember the circumstances,” Stassi added. “Call me later. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
It didn’t surprise Charlie that DJ’s grave was only twenty minutes from their home.
She could see Demi insisting that he be buried close.
She grabbed the book from her passenger seat and climbed out of the car.
The snow was above her ankles as she made her way across the lawn until she found DJ’s resting place.
The magnitude of his death overwhelmed her as she stared at his tombstone.
The most loving son, Charlie read the words on his marker silently as her eyes watered.
She leaned down and placed the book in front of his grave, leaning it on his name.
“I’m so sorry, DJ. I wish I had tried harder to connect with you.
I wish I got to know you more. I wish you knew that I loved you.
I never told you because it didn’t feel like that was okay, or that you would be comfortable receiving that from me, but you were a very cool kid.
” She scoffed and smiled. “You made your daddy so happy and so proud. I loved how light he was whenever you were around. I wish you were here to see your baby sister. I’ll make sure this baby knows you.
So many people miss you, DJ. I miss you.
And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you this much. ”
The sound of crunching snow pulled her attention, and Charlie turned to find Lauren pulling next to her car.
She rolled her eyes. “Great,” she mumbled as she pulled her coat tighter and watched Lauren approach.
“What are you doing here?” Lauren asked.
“I was just paying my respects,” Charlie said. “I’m leaving, don’t worry.”
Lauren sighed and shook her head. “You can stay; it’s fine.” Lauren noticed the book and picked it up.
“I bought it before all this happened. It just felt right to still give it to him,” Charlie explained.
Lauren nodded and placed the book back.
“He would have really loved being a big brother,” Lauren admitted.
“Even if the baby came from me?” Charlie asked. “I was kind of afraid he’d hate us both.”
Lauren laughed. “I would have hated you both. He would have loved you both. He tried to love you,” Lauren whispered.
“I think he tried hard not to like you because he knew it would hurt me. That was unfair to you. To him, too. Thank you for coming to see him. I worry that now that the funeral is over, I’m going to be the only one to remember him. ”
“Demi will never forget him, Lo,” Charlie whispered passionately. “He could never forget him. That boy was his world.”
Lauren nodded because if she spoke, she would cry, and she didn’t want to cry again.