Chapter Twenty-One Tyler #2
My spine straightens instantly. “Imagine, for one fucking second, losing Tessa—”
“I can’t. But I have lost what I thought was my only, Tyler.
That’s the only leg I have to stand on, and I know it’s not the same.
I don’t want to try to compare it, but it’s all I’ve fucking got.
I’m sorry if that pisses you off, but I do know a little something about definitive love loss.
Even if it’s not the same.” Another long exhale, and I rattle at the truth I know is coming with it.
“You’re still capable, man. You’ve decided for yourself and made it clear to everyone around you that Delphine was it.
But hear me out.” He exhales slowly as I brace myself for the words I know are coming.
“Are you sticking to that because it’s really the truth for you or because you feel like moving on will make it a lie? ”
“Fuck you.” I move to end the call when I hear his plea.
“Don’t hang up. Tyler, please don’t leave it like this.
” I lift the phone back to my ear as he speaks rapidly over the line.
“People who truly love you won’t let you go so long without hearing the hard truths, even if it’s uncomfortable, and you fucking know it, man.
People who truly love you won’t let you fucking suffer because they don’t want to damage the relationship and simply keep the peace when someone they care about is in real pain. ”
“I should be so fucking thankful for a friend like you,” I snap.
“Please, Tyler, it’s been over half a decade since we’ve all started watching you suffer, and I can’t do it anymore without saying something.”
“Then say it to clear your conscience,” I hiss.
“This isn’t about my need to preach where I have no business.
I want to think I’ve grown up a little in that respect.
I swear to God, man. This is about the brother I’ve known and loved my whole life, and can’t stand to see withering away by the year anymore.
You made it abundantly clear since you lost her that there’s never going to be a safe time or way to try and talk to you about this, but fuck that.
I’m doing it, and you can be pissed at me for it, but I owe you this …
because you’ve never let me down in this respect.
So please, hear me out, and I’ll shut the fuck up. ”
I let out a loaded exhale as he takes the cue.
“Things change, and time does change things. It might not lessen the pain, but the way you feel from one day to the next can change. What’s so wrong with that?
Your heart might be decided, but your soul still exists, and it’s in need right now, and you’re ignoring it.
Even if you can’t love with your heart the way you did Delphine, maybe you can feed or fuel some part of you that’s lacking.
Thank fuck you’re finally realizing and recognizing how restless and exhausted you are.
It hurts me to hear it, but I’m going to consider it a good sign. ”
After a long minute, he softly prompts me by name.
“Maybe,” I finally say, “but she’s not the remedy.”
“We trust you, all of us. You know that, right? With everything. I wish I could repay you, but I’ll never fucking be able to.
With what you, T, and Pres did, you’ve freed me of a life of fear, and there’s no way I’ll ever be able to match that favor for favor.
But if you need me, I’m fucking there. No questions asked.
Always will be, as you have been. I’ve been selfish in my past and I’ve fucked up, but I don’t want to fail my brothers ever again.
He—” His voice shakes, and there’s no mistaking who he is and where Sean’s going with this.
“This isn’t that,” I assure him, realizing how worried he is as another slow exhale follows.
“Maybe I could have pushed him harder to open up. If I had, maybe he’d still be here.”
“No, he wouldn’t, and you did push. We all did, and I practically begged him. More than once.”
“Tyler … It’s getting to the point I don’t recognize you anymore, man. Not enough to sleep at night.”
A painful beat of silence passes as we absorb the sting that Dom’s permanent absence always brings. A silence that says enough before I give him the words he needs. “I’m okay.”
“Stop lying to me because it’s what I want to hear.”
“Enough, man. I don’t have time for this shit. I’m not that far gone. I can handle this, and I am. She’s trying to creep inside my head already, and I’m sidestepping it all.”
“How so?”
“Because she’s just as smart as I am,” I admit. “And what’s scary is, she doesn’t even fucking know it yet.”
“So you’ve met your match.”
“That’s what you all want, but it’s not what you get to hear, because it’s not the fucking truth. My match fucking died.”
“But if she scares you, what does that tell you?”
“That she’s fucking dangerous. And no amount of fucking her to take the edge off is going to heal the hurt of us losing another goddamned brother.”
“Fuck, fine. Fine. I just had to say … something.”
“And I listened. Can we be done?”
“Yeah, but please know, I know it’s coming up, and you always get edgy around this time.”
I pause, slightly stunned that he’s aware the anniversary of Delphine’s death is looming. So many friends—even the best of them—would let that knowledge slip over time. Though Sean wouldn’t be the friend to miss it.
“It’s not edge.”
“What is it?”
I search myself.
“It’s the fact that there are too many fucking years separating us now.” Too many blinks. Far too many between the time she lived and today.
“I can understand that. That’s how I feel about Dom sometimes. It’s like the more time passes, the more likely I’ll forget. But I haven’t, Tyler, and you never will.”
As if cued by his words, I conjure so clearly her face on that hilltop the day she told me she loved me.
Sinking into it, I feel the chilled leaves dancing along our bare skin as I make love to her on that blanket.
In the next instant, I’m blinked into the present, my suit weighing a thousand pounds as I absorb the soul-searing ache the reality on the opposite side of that memory brings.
“I have to go,” I clip, unable to hide the pain the memory evokes.
“I can hear it, Tyler, where you just went. I’m so fucking sorry. Please, brother, promise me you’ll call on me if this gets to be too much. I swear to you I’ll treat it however you want me to. Just let me be there.”
“You know that’s not who I am.”
“Then trust me to have your back,” he prompts. “If I see it differently it’s because the more I hear, the more tempted I am to come.”
“Don’t you fucking dare,” I hiss with every bit of venom I have. “If you get tempted, visit our brother’s graveside or watch your kids sleep. I don’t think we’re making it out of this one whole. In fact, I think it will be a fucking miracle if we do. I want you nowhere near this.”
“Tessa knows the deal, and if—”
“Sean,” I snap, “no. Not this one, I’m begging you, man. Begging you not to inch near this. Just this once, don’t make me fucking worry.”
A tense beat passes as the click of his Zippo sounds. “Jesus, you fucking asshole, let’s say you win this round, then tell me something, genius. How in the fuck are you going to catch a break in normal and boring if you continue to be the one holding the shield up the longest?”
“Just because you make sense doesn’t mean you’re right. I’m in the position, you aren’t. Those are the facts.”
“Don’t underestimate me,” he counters. “I can get into position really fucking quickly.”
“I don’t underestimate you. Never have, and that’s why I’ve got something I need you on. I’ll be sending for you soon.”
“Good.”
“I really need to run.”
“Yeah, yeah, well, before you do, Captain America, let me say this much. If this woman is as captivating inside as she is on the outside, trust yourself.”
I can’t help but grin at his words. “I’ve been getting that a lot. I’ve never had so many people invested in my cock before. Gotta say, it’s pretty unnerving.”
“It’s not your cock we’re discussing, and you know it. You’ve never, not fucking once, dropped the ball. I’m just sorry it’s becoming so fucking heavy to carry.”
Hating that I’ve admitted so much, I lash out against it. “You better fucking forget I told you that.”
“Already forgotten,” he assures, “but I’m just a call away, all right?”
“Same.”
“So what’s happening?”
His voice fades as every fiber of my being lights in recognition of my earlier premonition. “Sean, I’ll call you back.”
Call cut, I break into a dead sprint for the door, blowing through the Green Room and out into the Cross Hall, the chandeliers glaring off polished marble as my footsteps echo. Service agents fall in line at my flank as I push harder, my pulse syncing with every stride.
Cutting through the length of the corridor, I veer into the Entrance Hall, the hum of the dinner muted behind me, replaced by the sharp awareness of every shadow. Security shifts, eyes cutting to me as I round the final corner.
I stop cold at the sight of him, standing in wait … for me. Alone. Alarm bells ringing, I shake off my unease as I glare at the man with a slow, budding smile forming on his lips, as if I’ve eased into a laid trap. And for all I fucking know now, I might’ve, as I glare at Larissa’s fiancé.
Antony Livingston, who looks every bit as pictured in the tabloids, minus a few inches in height, gazes up at the towering portrait of Theodore Roosevelt, hands in his tuxedo slacks, a slow smile spreading across his face.
* * *
“What was it Roosevelt always said? Speak softly and—” He turns to me with a canary feather practically fucking dangling from his lips just as Russell verifies Preston is secure.
Flicking a piece of imaginary lint off his jacket, he patiently waits as I glance at Theodore Roosevelt, painted by Sargent.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far,” I finish, passing an unnecessary IQ check as he spews an insult that actually lands where intended.
“A little slow on the uptake tonight?”