Chapter Forty-Five Tyler
Chapter Forty-Five
TYLER
MOM CUTS HER accusatory, watery gaze to me as I pluck the wrench from Dad’s toolbox.
“Tell me again, son. Why can’t I meet them?”
Lowering my eyes to the bolt I’m tightening, I finish the unnecessary tune-up on her SUV. Another of my efforts to keep occupied since dumping myself on my parents’ doorstep. “I’m in a bad place and can’t talk about this, okay? Not now.”
“The hell you say. You can’t drop the bomb that I have not one but two grandbabies that I had no previous knowledge of and might not get to meet—maybe ever—because why, Tyler?”
The commotion in my chest intensifies as I fight to keep the wrench in my grip. “Because I’ve wronged their mother in an irreparable way.”
“How? Give me something.”
“We’ve gone over this. This is need-to-know only,” I impart firmly. “It’s a miracle she agreed to let me tell you.”
I let Mom in on the secret of the Ravens years ago after a long talk with Dad.
Both of us wanting her to be mindful of the danger my position puts her in, especially after I joined Preston’s permanent detail.
She’d been floored for weeks, and it took nearly a year for the questions to stop.
But being in the know about the club, she’s more attuned to me than ever.
“I’m supposed to be thankful to know about this?” she scoffs. “Well, I’d rather not, for all the damned good it does me.” The heartbreak in her voice keeps my focus on my working hands. “Son, what did you do?”
Stopping my wrench, I brave my first real look at her. “I became what I despise most in men.”
“And what’s that?”
“An abusive fucking coward.”
“Explain yourself, Tyler, now.”
“Why, so you can judge me too? Trust me, Mom, I’ve already been weighed, measured, and sentenced by everyone except Dad—and that’s only because he still believes his sins surpass mine.”
“Tell me, Marine, are your father’s sins your own?”
“Sadly, they don’t,” I admit, “not anymore.”
“If that’s the truth, you’ll find little empathy from me. Maybe it’s been granted too generously over the years if you’re capable of such maliciousness.”
“That’s war.”
“That’s an explanation I won’t give merit to if you’re using it as an excuse. So, are you?”
When I remain quiet, she pounces. “If you’re trying to hide yourself here, you know damn well you’ve come to the wrong place for refuge.” I can feel her digging her heels in just as she speaks it. “This is where I draw the line. Answer to me, now, son.”
“Mom,” I release on exhale, coming close to stripping the bolt, “I don’t want to fight—”
“I disagree,” she fires, “you came home and dropped this to be weighed and judged by me, and you damn well know it. Because, besides Delphine and maybe a few others, I’m the one woman you’ve never betrayed or let down. Tell me I’m wrong,” she deduces, crossing her arms. “Talk.”
“It’s complicated, but with the way she came to me, she endangered everyone in the club, everyone I love, Zach included.”
“Don’t hide behind our mutual weakness. Zach has been in danger since the minute you took him in.
The only one who hasn’t been in real danger since Delphine died is you, because you’ve barricaded yourself in your grief …
Wait, coward?” Her features ripple with realization.
“Please tell me my high-minded, self-aware son didn’t duplicate the actions of reckless men who feel threatened with self-sabotage.
” She scans my face for confirmation, damning me.
“I can’t”—I swallow—“because I weaponized her feelings for me to gain the upper hand and take her down.” I shoot her a cursory glance from beneath the hood. “Knowing she was in love with me.”
“Seriously, son?!” Her jaw drops. “Jesus Christ. Why?”
“I just told you why,” I bite out. “She was a danger to me, to all of us.”
“A danger you chose to get intimate with and got too close to. Who in the hell do you think you’re fooling? You wouldn’t go that far unless those feelings were reciprocated,” she surmises, the hope in her voice only undercut by her anger. “Now that I see it, it’s everywhere on you.”
“That’s what everybody wants to believe,” I snap, adrenaline spiking as the rattle inside increases tenfold. “But it’s not at all cut-and-dried.”
“Because you’re still hiding from your feelings for her.”
“I haven’t truly been around her without acting on the toxic situation we create—that I create when we’re together.
Being with her—” I swallow the ache threatening to silence me.
“I can admit to feeling plenty. Remorse in abundance for what she’s suffered at my hands and others’.
Attraction, a dangerous amount of it. Respect and admiration, too, but love?
” I shake my head. “I don’t think I’m capable of loving anyone the right way anymore, and just proved it by the way I handled it—”
“Wow, grab both our boots, Son, shit’s getting deep in here.” She sighs, eyes cutting as I give her a warning look. “Fine. If it’s not love, then explain that tortured look on your face and the pain rolling off you.”
“Easily. Because of the way I deceived her and my actions after, there’s a real chance my children may never know me.”
“And they won’t until their mother knows their father.”
“I’m aware, but it’s not that simple.”
“The hell it isn’t. Go back right now and show her who you really are.”
“I tried that tactic. All she thinks I’m made up of is tactics. She doesn’t want me near her.”
“Damn it, Tyler—”
“I tried!” I fire back, exasperated. “But instead of giving her anything real, I played on our attraction, again, before imploding right in front of her because I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore!” Her eyes cloud with worry as I grapple with the worthless leash I have on my anger.
“Okay, so Mr. Fix-It failed by idiotically trying to seduce her. Let me count the damned ways that would predictably backfire.”
“I know, okay, and knew better, but I wasn’t in the right headspace. The minute I held them—” The memory of both babies sleeping on my chest surfaces, gutting me while fueling more admission. “She told me her mission is to protect them, and I now know that includes from me.”
“Did she say those words?”
“It was implied even before I lost my shit. She thinks I’m incapable of being more than what I’ve shown her, and I don’t blame her, because I’m not sure I am.”
A long, tense silence passes.
“Well, if this is you now, son, I don’t blame her either.
” Steadfast eyes grip mine, as they have through every stage of my life, as I take in the fine lines and the grays threading her hair.
Though her outsides are starting to show wear and tear, her heart remains resilient.
A victory I can’t claim because, for the first time in my adult life, I can’t control my emotions.
“You know, your father and I have talked about this, the differences in you for the worse since she died.”
“Like I said,” I clip, tossing the wrench in the toolbox, “seems to be the consensus, and you’re right. I’m not the son you raised anymore. You have every right to give up on me, too.”
“Stop it! You know good and damn well you’ve taken mourning Delphine too far, and now you’ve fathered babies I can’t meet because of it!”
“Yeah, well, let the first shovel of dirt hit Carter’s casket and see how well you fare, Regina!”
I slam the toolbox closed and go to stalk out as she steps up to me, her eyes watering, daring me to try to push past her. I’ve rarely yelled at my mother, but as anger continues to overrule any need to apologize, I realize how far I’ve strayed.
“I’m not going to make this easier on you, so you get to live with what you just said. And you’re not the only one who’s lost the love of their life, Tyler.”
“Maybe not, but I feel like the only one taking it as seriously as it feels. I don’t understand how anyone can just …
move on after losing half of themselves.
” My ears begin to burn as I speak around the sting in my throat.
“And maybe I’m sick of people simplifying it.
‘You’ve got to try to move on.’ ‘It’ll get better with time.
’ I don’t think anyone knows what the fuck they’re asking of someone when they preach that bullshit.
I lived for her. My heart beat for her. There is no moving on from that. ”
Stagnant silence ensues as I wipe my hands on a shop towel.
“And when you held your babies for the first time?”
“It beat for them, of course. I wanted to be present for them, for Zach, but it’s a life I’ve failed to prove I deserve—twice.”
“The man I raised loves far more than he hates, but even without a battlefield, it’s clear you’re still at war with life for taking her.”
“I happen to life, not the other way around,” I bite out.
“Guess life just showed you differently. Your actions being one big fuck-you to the gift itself while you push your pain and anger around with a fork. Meanwhile, you’re starving yourself while punishing anyone who dares to give you a glimpse of a future beyond the perimeters set in your mind.
But like it or not, you’re already living your future without her.
You’re just raging as you go, which is no life at all.
The painful truth is that Delphine released you with her last breath.
Fair or not. Maybe your anger was okay for a while to help get you through some grief, but it’s now costing everyone who loves and depends on you, including your children.
Go back and introduce the son I raised.”
“You don’t get it,” I snap. “I’m not him anymore!”
She turns abruptly, grabbing a nearby shovel off Dad’s tool rack before tossing it at my boots. “My son didn’t fucking die!” she launches, unwavering. “He’s standing right in front of me, fighting me because he’s terrified to do the work!”
“Right headspace or not, I’ve laid myself fucking bare to her! Twice, and it only fucked things up!”
“Well, here’s a thought: for once in your life—don’t fix it!”
“What?”