Chapter Fifty-Two Larissa
Chapter Fifty-Two
LARISSA
MACEY LIES DOCILE in my lap, entertained as I rip at the paper of one of her presents.
Keeping myself busy while trying not to look over to the two men dividing my attention.
Shortly after Tula knocked, arms loaded with a shit-bombed Alexander whom Tyler quickly relieved her of, Alonzo arrived.
His own arms filled with gifts as his eyes searched for and settled on mine.
I had welcomed him warmly and ushered him in.
Shortly after, realizing the tension his presence would bring.
Especially after Tyler joined us with a freshly diapered Alexander in tow.
Their eyes avoiding one another’s since, and I’ve kept my own eye contact to a minimum.
Taylor’s lecture about their feelings for my own wants, doing shit to dissuade me.
Especially after Tyler’s panic attack and deeply personal confessions.
It’s the agony I witnessed twisting his beautiful face that continually rips at my insides.
The recollection alone paining me with close to the same intensity I felt while watching him break.
Every second becoming more unbearable than the last as he endured it.
And I watched on, forcing myself to recognize the true depth of what he’s battling, and to acknowledge that he braves so much alone.
The worst part is knowing all who love him, even and especially his birds, whom he considers brothers, seem to have abandoned him.
A feeling I know all too well, which rendered me unable to leave him.
Not that I in any way wanted to. Nor would I.
Heart still rioting with that ache, a large part of me wants to be closer to him now, if only to shield him from that feeling.
Another selfish part wanting to find the expression that broke through last night, before I fled from him at the tree.
And after, while he was on the phone with Zach.
A look that reappeared during mass, and as he confessed last night.
Then becoming more overwhelming in that bathroom.
Terrified I’ll see it again if I do look, even more terrified that I almost took that inch that separated our lips earlier, and terrified for him.
Is my decision made?
The heart beating solidly in my chest tells me it has been. The loss of Alonzo in the next telling me that in no way should I ever take that space. It’s Tyler’s admission of grieving Delphine that lingers, and the fact that if I give in physically, he will never truly be mine.
But that look …
Stop obsessing, Larissa!
Needing more distraction, I tune into the mixed ramblings of the familiar bodies surrounding me. All chattering happily with varying glasses in hand.
“Hai mangiato? Ti vedo sciupato.” Did you eat? You look thin.
“Ma guarda chi si fa finalmente vedere!” Oh, look who finally decided to show up!
“Non ti ci mettere pure tu …” Don’t you start too …
The familiar smells wafting through the kitchen help calm my racing mind enough to brave my first long look at Alonzo, who’s chatting with Tula to my left.
Looking gorgeous in a fitted Armani and festive-ish red tie.
An effort I know he made for me as he strokes it, feeling my gaze before breaking contact with Tula.
His gorgeous blues pinning me where I sit at the base of the monstrous tree, surrounded by family.
Beneath his stare, I lift the musical toy he gifted the twins in thanks while mouthing “grazie.”
Lips subtly lifting, he waves my thanks away.
His eyes slowly drifting back to Tula as I safely shift my focus to Tyler.
Who stands nearby on my right and, to my surprise, seems to be animatedly chatting with Daniello.
It’s when I realize he’s speaking Italian that my eyes narrow.
In response to my weighted stare, and without so much as turning his head, his lips slowly lift in a knowing smirk.
Because of course he knows I’m watching, and why I’m irritated.
He would never once speak it to me when requested.
As if feeling my growing animosity, he turns his head, his eyes bolting to mine and holding.
The look in them stealing my breath as every vengeful thought flies out of my head.
As the feeling intensifies, a wave of panic threatens, and just as quickly, he releases me from his hold. Reeling, I find myself thankful when Mia, Tula’s youngest, speaks up.
“There’s one more,” she squeaks. Her oversized Santa hat wobbling on her pretty head as she plays her part, pulling a small bag from under the tree and reading the label. “It’s for Cosima.”
“Trade you.” I offer Macey to Mia, and we exchange as I take the bag, walking it over to where I parked my mother earlier next to the window.
“Let’s see what you got, Mama.” Pulling the gorgeously wrapped package from the glittering bag, I rip through the paper as my mother’s eyes remain locked in the past. Even wearing her new dress and updated hair, the glaze in her eyes holds her captive in a different time and place.
As I slide a thumbnail through the plastic sealing the box, I wonder if I’m ever there with her, twirling on that pristine white carpet.
Tilting the offering in my hand after freeing it from its confines, I flit my eyes to it a second before it shatters at my feet.