Chapter 8
The Juneteenth/Father’s Day picnic was everything I remembered it to be.
I chatted with the wives and girlfriends, danced, and ate.
I was fully immersed in the fun of the day, feeling like myself for the first time in forever.
With the exception of The Lewd Boyz bike club coming through, things had been good.
“Girl, take a picture. It’ll last longer,” Asia whispered in my ear.
The sun had set, so my shades were back in my purse, and my eyes were visible. She could see that I kept cutting my gaze to Quentin. “Whatever.” I waved her off playfully, still not taking my eyes off him. He stood alongside one of the newer brothers, a man I didn’t recognize.
“I know that the club has never had a chaplain, so I don’t really know what the role is supposed to look like.
But in my opinion, Bishop is good at it.
I’ve seen him have what look like serious conversations with about four brothers since we’ve been here.
He’s so nice, and it seems like he’s easy to talk to. ”
“He is.” I felt like she was trying to bait me into saying something, so I measured my words and didn’t give her too much. Not that there was much to give. “He has a really calming spirit.”
“I’ll bet.”
“Why’re you sayin’ it like that, Asia?” I chuckled. “I promise that me and Quentin don’t have anything . . . salacious going on.”
“Salacious? Ooh, I like that word. I’ve never heard it before. Does it mean fucking?”
I had to laugh. “It means like obscene or indecent. We’re only roommates.”
“For now. The way you’ve been eye-bangin’ him all day, like those shades were hiding it, tells me that y’all won’t be ‘just roommates’ for much longer.”
I huffed out a sigh. “I like him. Okay? You happy? I’ve had a little crush on him since I was a kid. Seeing him as a grown man is trying to reignite those feelings.”
“Well, don’t fight the feeling, sis.”
“Yes, fight the feeling. I told you before that man is a widower who is still trying to make peace with losing his wife.”
“And I told you that Teagan’s been gone for three years. It’s okay for him to get out there again.”
“Please—” The first explosion caused my heart to skip in my chest. The second one caused me to drop to my knees.
“East. East!” Asia was in front of me with concern etched on her face. “It’s fireworks, baby. Somebody’s shooting off fireworks.”
I could hear her. I understood what she was telling me, but all my brain could process was the rapid explosions that happened one after another.
My tongue felt like it was glued to the roof of my mouth, and my lips felt fused shut, so I couldn’t speak.
My heart hammered in my chest, and the sound reverberated in my mind.
I felt like I could hear the blood swooshing through my veins.
Everything inside me felt like it was moving too fast. Like if things didn’t slow down, my heart would give out.
Then it started happening. My breathing became shallow because I couldn’t pull enough oxygen into lungs that were closed tighter than a vault.
My head started to spin, and I felt myself going down, from my knees to the ground.
“She’s awake! She’s awake!”
“Calm down, Asia. You’re about to send her back into another episode.”
I recognized the voices of Asia and my brother.
I recognized the sensation of being both warm and grounded in strong arms. It was quiet, well, except for their voices.
There were no more explosions, no more chatter.
Just quiet. I focused my eyes. Kobey was right in front of me.
His eyes traveled over my face and then my body.
If Kobey was in front of me, I briefly wondered who was holding me. Then I smelled the scent that was uniquely Quentin. I would’ve recognized it anywhere, even though it was mixed with the smell of “outside” and a little bit of sweat.
“You good, baby sis?” Kobey asked me.
I wanted to respond that I didn’t know if I was good.
I was glad that I was out of the park—that I was no longer a “sitting duck” out in the open where anything could happen to me.
I was glad to be in the safety of my and Quentin’s house and in the safety of Quentin’s arms. But I still wasn’t able to speak or move.
“It takes a while to come back to yourself after an episode like that,” Quentin told him. “She’s probably good, but her nervous system is still on high alert.”
“What can we do?” Asia asked.
My mind wandered as the three of them talked. A little while later, I felt a heaviness on my body. It was unexpected, but at the same time, it felt good.
“It’s a weighted blanket,” Quentin told me. “I had Asia get it out of the hall closet for you.”
I wanted to thank them. I wanted to tell them that I was good because the three of them looked so concerned.
“I got you some water,” Asia said. She was a naturally loud person, but she kept her volume low and steady while speaking to me.
“You wanna take a sip?” A straw was placed at my lips, and I was able to part them just enough for her to slide the straw between them.
I pulled in, and water filled my mouth. It felt so cold and refreshing.
“That was good, East,” Kobey coached. He gently patted my knee.
“I’m sorry, Sis. I’m sorry you’re going through this shit.
” He took a deep breath. “And I’m sorry that me and Asia were insensitive to your .
. . condition. It’s like, I look at you, and you look fine.
You’re all in one piece. You look like yourself.
But I can’t see the things going on in your mind and in your body.
I convinced myself that you were good when, all along, you’ve still been suffering in silence.
Me and Asia, having the brothers over, partying every weekend.
That shit wasn’t good for your mental. I’m sorry. ”
“Me too. We didn’t understand how fragile—”
“She’s not fragile.” Quentin jumped in. “She’s just triggered by things that remind her of that night.”
“Still . . .” Asia dipped a washcloth into a bowl of ice water, wrung it out, and wiped my face. The coolness felt good. I felt my muscles start to relax. “We’re so sorry. Moving in here with Bishop was the right move. It’s quiet and peaceful here. I think you’re in the right place.”
“Me too.” Kobey agreed. “This is the kinda environment you should’ve been in all along. Quiet, calm, and peaceful.”
The four of us stayed in Quentin’s living room together, me on his lap on the sofa, and Asia and Kobey on the floor in front of the sofa. Eventually, the sensation of being extremely cold traveled through my entire body. I began to physically shake and shiver. Tears poured from eyes.
“You’re good,” Quentin mumbled to me. “You’re good. Say, Asia. Go grab the big blanket off the bed. She’s cold.”
I stayed wrapped up in the comforter for about an hour, before I was ready to shower, eat, and call it a night.
I knew Kobey and Asia were glad to see me start coming back to myself.
They were reluctant to leave, but Quentin and I assured them I would be fine and that we would call them if I wasn’t.
They both gave me the biggest hugs before they left.
“I smell like outside. I need to shower,” I told Quentin. “I thought I wanted to eat, but I really just want to go to bed. I’ll eat in the morning.”
He nodded. “You sure?”
I nodded. “Yeah.” I hesitated. “Can you wait outside the bathroom for me while I shower?”
“Yeah.”
“And pray?”
He gave me a small grin. “Yeah. I’ll pray.”
I felt like I was being extra when I took his hand and led him to the bedroom I was using, but for once, I just decided to let myself make it. Instead of fussing at myself, I reminded myself that everybody needed a little extra support every now and then. And Quentin was willing to be that support.
He leaned against the wall opposite the closet once I let his hand go.
“Let me get the stuff that I need for the shower,” I told him.
“Take your time, E. I ain’t got nowhere to be but here with you. It’s whatever you need.”
I smiled to myself as I moved around the walk-in closet. If I ever doubted that good men still existed, he was the living proof. I gathered a sleep shirt, panties, and a towel. Then I rejoined him in the actual bedroom. “Okay. I’m ready.”
He nodded and walked out of the room, with me hot on his heels. Outside the bathroom, he leaned against the wall right next to the doorframe. “I’ll be right here.”
“Praying,” I teased with a small smile.
“Waiting on you and praying, sweetheart.”
I hadn’t meant for my shower to take so long, but my hair smelled like barbecue smoke.
So at the last minute, I decided that I needed to wash it.
When my shower was over, I didn’t have the energy to thoroughly tackle my hair.
Instead, I parted it down the middle and across the middle and put it in four braids.
I probably looked about twelve years old, but it was the best I could do.
I stepped out of the bathroom and spotted Quentin right where I’d left him. He chuckled when he saw me. “Damn, you’re giving me flashbacks to when we were younger. Me and KD doing wannabe bad boy shit, and you in your ponytails, playing with dolls.”
“Shut up,” I said, but I was grinning.
His smile slipped. “I’m worried about you, E.
The way you froze out there. How you were out of it for so long.
I’m worried about you having a nightmare or, worse, not falling asleep at all.
I feel like I should make a pallet on the floor of your room and stay in there for the night . . . just in case you need me.”
“Yeah,” I said, because I was worried about me too. At one point, I’d been exhausted and felt ready to crash. But after the shower, I felt re-energized. “But why you gotta make a pallet? There’s a whole bed in here. Just get in the bed.”
He hesitated.
“Q.” His hesitation brought out my insecurity. Maybe I pushed too hard. Maybe I had no business asking him to lie in the bed with me.
“Your face fell,” he told me. “Whatever you’re thinking, it’s not about that. The bed in the guest bedroom is small as hell. Get what you need and come get in my bed.”
I exhaled in relief. “This bed is a—”
“Full-sized bed. My bed is a king. Like I said, get what you need and come on. I’m jumpin’ in the shower.”