Chapter 3
Chapter Three
TILDA
After making a fool of myself, I spent the day inside. I tried to sleep away my shame, but it only forced flashes of the look on Max’s face when I nearly lost control and had to walk away. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to bring him cookies.
Is that how she would have wanted to be remembered? I sit in the grass in front of her stone. “Dorothy, did you tell them to put that on your stone, or did someone decide for you?”
“I don’t think she can hear you,” Mari says from the stone wall that separates the house she owns, and I live in, from the cemetery.
“No? Who knows?” I shrug and wipe the dirt from my hands as I rise and turn toward my sister. “Do you ever wish you could die?”
She leaps over the wall and strides toward me. She runs her hand over the beginnings of a baby bump, reminding me that the impossible has happened and she and Sam are going to be parents. “Sometimes. Not recently.” A warm flush covers her cheeks. “It helps to have found love.”
“I’m happy for you. I truly am, but I can’t imagine being close to a warm-blooded person all day, every day. How do you resist feeding?” My canines ache from just the thought.
Wrapping her arm around my waist, she walks with me around the graves. “Sometimes I don’t resist. Feeding when the pleasure is mutual is wonderful.”
“How do you know you won’t go too far?” An image of Max flashes in my mind. Blood drained, empty eyes staring back at me. I shiver and banish the nightmare.
“When I first met Sam, I worried that I would lose control, but then we were together, and I knew I could never harm him.” She smiles. “Have you and Max been intimate?”
I gasp and jerk away. “No. Of course not. We…I…” I gather my wits. “He was assigned to protect me, and now that need is over. There’s nothing going on.”
“Why not?” Her voice is soft and curious.
My brain feels as if it’s on overload. “He’s a Sasquatch.”
“Yes.” She watches and waits. Her dark hair is pulled up in a loose bun, and her even darker eyes are filled with amusement. “He’s a monster. You’re a monster. Creatures and humans are all deserving of affection, Tilda.”
“Spoken like a vampire in love. I’m not like you.” I walk along another row of gravestones.
Her long black dress trails along the grass as she walks with me. “I have always found Officer Gant to be a thoughtful and observant male. He never jumps to conclusions, and he’s not given to rash behavior.”
I ran away like a coward from his house. What would he want with me? I’m an abomination. “I’m not like a regular monster, Mari.”
“A regular monster? What exactly is that?’ She smiles. “You’re not human and haven’t been in a long time. The moment you accepted the swan into your life, you became more than you were. The fact that you’re a vampire is beside the point.”
“Are you mad? A swan maiden is a beautiful and sacred gift.” I realize too late that I’ve implied that what Mari is, what we are, is less.
She stops walking and wraps her arms around her waist. “I, too, would have chosen differently if given the option, sister. However, if I had not been turned into a vampire, I would have died a long time ago and never have met Sam. I wouldn’t trade.
I’m happy for the first time in my life.
If you would find peace as a vampire, you could at the very least be content here. ” She points to her house.
“I don’t think a town filled with warm-blooded beings is the place for me. It’s too hard not to take a taste.” Filled with shame at the admission, I turn away and look into the darkness. “I can only bake so many cookies and hide myself for so long.”
Chuckling, Mari says, “Baking is a strange habit for a vampire. I assume you don’t eat the fruits of your labor.”
“No. I sigh. I taste the batter to verify the flavors are right. Still, it reminds me of my youth. Momma loved to bake.” Emotions swell in my chest, but I push them down.
“I could find a place in the mountains where no one would bother me. I’m sure hunting animals would keep me alive, and it would remove temptation. ”
“You can hunt here.” She gestures toward the woods leading to the conservation area. “There’s another place north of town that spreads out into a deep forest where you can find solitude and relieve the urge to find prey.”
“Is that what you do?”
She nods. “My need to hunt has lessened quite a bit since finding a true mate, but when I desire a hunt, Max lets me use his property. It’s lovely up there with the tall trees.”
“I brought him some cookies to thank him for protecting me.” I have to close my eyes and force aside the memory of the way his blood rushed faster through his veins and arteries. He’d been excited to have me stay for lunch. “It was not my finest moment.”
“What happened?” Walking toward me, her eyes filled with concern, she takes my hand.
The contact is welcome. I spent so many years avoiding Pierre’s touch and being his prisoner; it’s comforting to have the human experience of a hand being held.
“He asked me to say for lunch, and when I said yes, his blood…” I shake my head.
“I don’t know how to explain it. It was as if his blood sang to me. ”
Mari gapes. “Sang?”
I don’t know how else to describe it. “Yes. It was like the sweetest music.”
“What did you do?”
More shame flushes through me. “I ran away.”
“I see.” She leads me back to the house. “Perhaps you need more time. I was going to meditate. Would you like to join me?”
“I don’t meditate. I wouldn’t know how to start.” The idea of sitting still without purpose seems impossible.
She jumps over the wall and walks to the rounded tower that stands at the back corner of the property, overlooking the cemetery and the woods beyond. “I could teach you.”
“Honestly, I don’t know if I can sit quietly for any length of time.” I leap over the wall and take her hand. “Before Pierre changed me, serenity was part of who I was, but now…” I don’t have words for how scattered and ferocious I feel inside. I’m in a constant state of holding back.
“That’s the point, Tilda. We’ll just sit for five minutes. The length of a meditation is something we can build on over time.”
“Five minutes doesn’t sound too bad.” I climb the steps, which are stones cleverly jutting from the tower’s side.
Mari’s meditation tower is like a small turret with a low wall at the top that surrounds three-quarters of the flat top, leaving the space open to the cemetery. The space feels medieval, with an array of cushions, blankets, and pillows strewn around in a rainbow of jewel colors.
She takes a round yellow poof and sits on it.
The blue one appeals to me, and I place it across from her and sit.
With a smile, she says, “Close your eyes.”
I check right and left to make sure no one can see me. Not that anyone would care if I’m sitting on a tower with my eyes closed. It just feels strange. Still, I comply. “Now what?” I grip my knees with tense fingers.
“Relax.” She presses her hands over mine.
Flexing my fingers, I try to do as she says.
“Good. Now imagine a place where you felt safe and happy.” Her voice is soft and soothing, with the hint of her musical tone even when she speaks.
I’ve heard her sing several times in the last few months, and it’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. Since my mind wandered to her voice, I try to pull it back to the present. “Safe and happy?”
“Even if that was a long time ago. Maybe when you were young.”
I picture the lake near my family home in Germany. It’s serene and surrounded by soft grass and tall trees. “Okay.”
“Breathe slow and steady and stay in that place. If your mind wanders, it’s okay, but bring it back to this safe place where nothing can harm you.”
Drawing a deep breath, the local swans are in the lake, waiting for me to join them for a swim.
Warm, strong arms wrap around me, and I’m surrounded by the scent of Max. He’s hugging me, and I feel perfectly at ease for the first time in more years than I care to count.
I jerk out of the memory and open my eyes.
Smile still in place, Mari looks back at me.
“How long was that?” It felt like twenty minutes.
“About ninety seconds.”
“It felt a lot longer.” My nose itches, and my shoulders cramp. “Maybe meditation isn’t for me.”
“Try again. It’s not something that you learn in a few moments. You can practice, and the more you do, the longer you’ll be able to meditate. It will help with impulse control and the constant feeling of urgency.” She takes both of my fidgeting hands and places them gently on my knees.
“You feel that urgency too?” I thought it was because I was never meant to be a vampire.
A soft musical sigh puffs from her mouth. “Every day, Tilda. You’re not alone. I’m your sister, even if a vampire family isn’t what you want.”
My chest tightens. “I’m glad to have you in my life, Mari.
Please don’t think I’m not grateful for all you’ve done for me.
Without you, I’d still be a prisoner under Pierre’s thumb.
If Ion hadn’t come to our aid, Pierre would be in the world, terrorizing and killing.
I’m glad to have both you and Sam as family, it’s only… ”
“Only what?”
“I’m afraid I’ll hurt someone. I’m not made for a solitary life.
Swans are not usually alone. Vampires are solitary to savor the feeding grounds in their area.
” The urge to jump down and find something to feed on, despite my need for blood being satiated out of a bag only a few hours ago, is so strong.
“You are repeating things that Pierre taught us. I’ve found that coming here and making friends has made resisting feeding much easier.
” She stands and walks to the stairs. “I won’t tell you what to do.
You can stay or go as you please. If you’re certain that a cabin on a remote mountain is the only place you can find peace, then Sam and I will help you find that place.
However, I wish you would stay in Harmony Glen and give this place and these people a chance.
You might find peace on your mountain, but you could find happiness here. ” She descends with a sweet smile.
The word “happiness” rings in my ears for a long time after Mari is gone. The idea of ever being happy seems impossible.
Remembering that hug in the street brings a sense of calm and warmth over me. If only I could be a swan again. Then there would be a chance of being whole.