Chapter 51
Block Me Out
If people could read our every thought, no one would like us.
Even when you loved someone deeply, there were things about them, maybe something they said or did to you, that annoyed you.
Imagine hearing someone think that you were selfish, or annoying, or knowing your partner was sexually attracted to someone else.
It would kind of kill the mood. Now imagine they could not only read your thoughts, but they could see your every memory.
Peel back your pretty human layers like an onion and see what was inside your core.
How many of us would still be beautiful then?
I scanned the wall of books in the study—as Ethan predicted, many of them were romance novels.
“You are going to focus on one thing,” Ethan said, bringing my attention back. “Get the image in your mind and I’m going to touch your head to see if I can view what you are thinking about. It is your job to keep me out.”
“I’m not wearing my ring, and I’m not feeling emotional right now, so you can’t read my mind.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “I think we just proved how easily I can. When your guard is down, when you are angry, drunk or emotional, I can see more than you want any vampire to be able to see.”
I shrugged weakly. “Well, I’m none of those things right now and it’s a bit early to get drunk.”
“Which is why if I touch your head, my ability to read you increases.”
My mouth dried. “That’s got to be awkward during sex if you aren’t performing well.”
He huffed a laugh. “It’s never an issue because I always perform well, and my hands aren’t usually on someone’s head.”
I scrunched up my face. “It’s too early in the morning to imagine your bed activities.”
A sly smile curved his lips. “It’s never too early, and they aren’t usually in a bed, and you brought it up.”
I tilted my head. “Why aren’t they in a bed?”
The smile dropped and he scowled. “I told you. I don’t bring women to my house.”
I raised my brows and teased, “You brought me home.”
“Stop delaying the inevitable, Amy. You need to learn to put up a shield that doesn’t drop. It could be the difference between life and death. If a vampire can read your next move before you take it, you are dead.”
The last line stole the playfulness from my mood. I fiddled with the empty space my ring used to be. “I don’t want you to dig into my mind.”
“Why, do you have something to hide?”
“No.” I shook my head. Swallowed. “It’s just …” What if you hate me? “Would you like me knowing all your thoughts?”
A flicker of something uncomfortable, a blend of something like anguish and guilt, crossed his face.
He let out a breath. “I will only look at what you show me, and you can choose to show me only what you want me to see. You will see everything I can see as it comes up. So, if anything starts to rise you don’t feel comfortable with, pull away or say and I will release you immediately.
Once you have the vision in place and you know I have viewed it, then I need you to put up a shield and block me. ”
My hands gripped the side of the desk. But I needed to distract myself from what was about to happen. “Okay, but if I show you mine, you show me yours.”
He chuckled. “If you block me before I see what you are thinking of, then I will allow you to try.”
I closed my eyes and thought of a white rabbit I had seen once in the forest.
“Open your eyes. You won’t fight with them closed.”
I opened them. He moved closer and I was staring at his fitted black top.
It swept over the outline of his sleek, muscular chest. I shoved the image away and replaced it with the picture of the rabbit behind my eyes.
Her little pink nose and snow-white silken fur.
He placed his hands on the sides of my head.
Muscles rippled on his chest and arms. Warmth embraced my mind like a cocoon, and my skin quivered from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes.
“I’m pleased you appreciate my chest,” he purred.
I went beetroot red and yanked my head back out of his touch, muttering an oath.
He smiled. Bastard.
“Let’s try again, shall we. Think of the image.”
He placed his hands over my head. The warmth bubbled again. My mind dulled to a blissful state, my eyes wanting to close under his touch. I felt them sail down …
“Amy,” he growled.
I snapped them open and pictured her cotton-wool body sitting amongst the green tufts of grass.
He removed his hands. “Rabbit stew.”
“Funny.”
“Again, this time show me and block me straight after. Think of something else.” He placed his hands on either side of my head.
I sorted a memory with Wolf. His glossy coat shimmering in the sun’s light as he loped beside me through the forest, his knowing amber eyes meeting mine.
“The mutt. Now block me out, think of a shield rising or a brick wall, whichever feels easier for you.”
Brick crumbled, but iron was tough. I urged a shield made of iron to rise. Imagined it sliding over my brain, over my skull. The heat soared and pulsed in my head, and my brain felt like a vise was pressing in. My fingers dug into the side of the desk.
He slammed against it. An arrow shot through my skull. I winced and the shield disintegrated.
“Amy.” A deep rumble came from the bottom of his stomach. “Block me.”
I clenched my teeth and threw it back up. My head felt like it was going to burst. Sweat beaded on the nape of my neck. Nausea curled in my stomach.
A hand smothering my mouth, blocking the scream from leaving my lips, his blacked-out figure …
I snapped my hands up and jerked his down. I couldn’t meet his eyes. I dropped my head, a horrible ache clawing at my chest.
“Breathe,” he said, his tone gentle. “Just breathe, in for two, out for four.”
I drew in heaping breaths until the ache eased. Reluctantly, I raised my head.
His body was taut as he moved to stand by the full-length window, staring out.
Anger smoldered from him like a burning cauldron.
He hadn’t seen much, just the hand, just the figure.
As if he felt my gaze on him, he turned and our eyes locked.
And his eyes—his eyes were so dark it was like staring at an explosion of ink.
“I’m sorry,” I swallowed. “I didn’t mean to.”
Ethan’s brow flickered and the blue rushed back into his irises. He came toward me tentatively. “Don’t be sorry, don’t ever be sorry for what that bastard did to you.” He halted a few feet away.
That wasn’t what I meant. I meant I was sorry for not being strong enough. Which was stupid really; no one ever started out great at anything. They became great through hard work, determination, and refusing to give up.
My throat tasted of acid. It would be easier to give up, to try again tomorrow, but I said, “I want to try again.”
His brow knotted. “Are you sure?”
No. Hell no. If my shield faltered and he saw more—I nodded.
I took a deep breath as he placed his hands on the sides of my head.
I raised the memory to my mind. I thought back to a time when my mother and father would take me horse riding.
I was cantering through the meadow on a beautiful bay horse.
I could feel his power under my legs, see the ripple of his neck muscles caught by the sunlight, feel the wind on my face. I felt joy, I felt safe, I felt free.
He moved his hands from my head and the vision ripped away.
“You like to ride?” he asked, stepping back.
“I haven’t been for years now, but my adoptive parents taught me. I forgot to block you. I got carried away in the moment. Sorry.”
His blue eyes studied me. “Why is it each time you have chosen animals?”
I stared out of the glass door into the forest. Cold prickled the nape of my neck.
I had that inexplicable feeling of someone watching.
Probably one of the guards. “Because animals don’t let you down.
You know exactly what you are getting with an animal.
If you give it love, then it loves you in return.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve had a bad day, or week, or month.
If you look like shit, or if you aren’t the same species. Animals don’t try to hurt you.”
“Have you ever crossed a lion?” he responded lightly. “They will happily tear you to shreds, then eat you for dinner.”
My legs felt sweaty on the desk. I sprang off. “At least there are no nasty surprises with them.”
“There are no nasty surprises if you surround yourself with the right animal, regardless of the species.”
“Put your hands on my head, vampire, and let’s get this done.”
Ethan’s eyes sparkled in the light. “I’ve been waiting for the moment you ask me to put my hands on you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Does everything have to be about sex with you?”
“I didn’t say anything about sex. Keep your mind out of the gutter, little witch. I may have meant all I want to do is hold you.”
I rolled my eyes again.
He gave me a cheeky grin as he placed his hands on the side of my head and the warmth rushed through me.
I pictured the horse. Then imagined the shield rising.
Locking. Immediately the pressure increased, became like walls closing in, squeezing.
My head thumped painfully with every beat of my heart. The shield began to drop.
“Keep me out,” he snapped.
I gritted my teeth and scrambled to push it up. Searching for layers of iron to wrap, seal, protect. Sweat trickled down my back, my breathing became rapid, and the nausea reignited in my stomach.
His hands left my head and he stepped back. “Not too bad. That’s enough for the day.”
“No way,” I protested, wiping the sweat on my forehead. “You haven’t let me try to look into your mind.”
He arched his dark brows. “I said if you blocked me then I would let you look in my mind. You took me for a trip to the zoo.”
“You told me to show you first, then block you,” I reminded him. “One more try. I’ll put a vision in, and if you can’t see it, I get to play around in your mind.”
He ran his eyes over me, taking in my pale, damp face. “If we try one more time, you will vomit.”
I grabbed his hands and placed them on my head. “Give it your best shot.”
I thought of something I didn’t want him to know. I raised the shield and held it firm. The pressure slammed down like hammers on my skull, boom, boom, boom. He slammed again and again. My head spun, clenched and loosened, clenched and loosened. Dots raided my eyes. My legs wobbled.
He let go of my head and gripped my arms. “Very good. What was it?” he asked.
I squeezed the bridge of my throbbing nose.
“Something I didn’t want you to see,” I said, fighting the urge to vomit.
Then it rose like a tidal wave and there was no holding it back.
I lurched for the balcony, ripping the door open and gripping the edge, as a wave of eggs and toast exploded over the shore.
When I finished, I wiped my mouth and groaned, turning back slowly.
He was leaning up against the desk, ankles hooked with a smug grin on his face. “I take it you’ve had enough for the day now?”