Chapter 29 Mariah
“I made a chocolate cake.”
Dr. Johnson’s expertly arched eyebrow hitched. “Really. What prompted that?”
“The list.”
“Explain more.”
“I can’t be triggered by cake. I run a restaurant where baking is likely going to happen because... Sabrina is going to bake, and she has a...” I was going to say she had a right because she did, but I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that. Not yet.
Dr. Johnson could tell when I wasn’t ready to flesh something out. She didn’t press me. “How did you manage to get around the baking cake thing at Clark’s?”
“All desserts were contracted. My idea of course.”
Dr. Johnson nodded. “Okay, so tell me more about baking the cake.”
“It was hard. I felt sick. And I threw it away when it was done.”
“What did throwing it away do for you?”
“Nothing. I didn’t want to eat it. I didn’t want to give it away. I think it was too soon for me to bake.”
“Hmm,” Dr. Johnson said. “Knowing that is good, Mariah. Very good. Part of this process is taking emotional risks but also knowing when it’s too early and being okay with waiting.”
“The last time I was here, I told you that the chocolate cake was the last one my mother made, but there’s more to that story.”
Dr. Johnson cocked her head the way she always did when I was about to tell her something deep.
“My mother made a few extra layers and made jar cakes out of them.” I looked down at my shoes. I’d been tapping my foot and didn’t even feel it. I stopped. “After my mother passed, one of the women from our church put them in the freezer. I told you my father sold the house four months later. After he married Lorraine.” I took a deep breath. “When she packed up the house, she threw them away. She threw my mother’s last cake in the garbage. She had no right to do that. I tried to stop her, but she wouldn’t listen.”
“Why do you think she did it?”
“To be mean. To erase my mother from my father’s life, his memory, his... I don’t know, but she should have thought about me.” I raised my hand to my chest. “That I would want the cake.”
Dr. Johnson looked so sad for me.
“Do you know why your father and Lorraine’s marriage ended?”
“No.” I swiped tears from my eyes.
“Are you curious?”
“It makes like zero difference to me why it ended.”
“Why do you say it that way?”
“Because he stayed married to her long enough to ruin my life. He never should have married her, so I don’t care why they’re divorced.”
“Maybe you should ask your father. There may be an answer there that you’ll find helpful.”
I considered that, but I couldn’t imagine there could be. Talking about Lorraine without screaming was going to take a lot of restraint.
“What are you thinking about, Mariah?”
“How much I hate Lorraine. And I know I’m not supposed to hate anyone, but I do.”
“She’s an emotional enemy, and hate is just a word. Don’t beat yourself up for thinking it. It’s not like you’re acting on the emotion.”
“I expected you to say I’m supposed to forgive her.”
“You don’t need me telling you who to forgive. Maybe you’ll find a way to forgive her one day. But I do think you should consider finding out your father’s truth.”
“His truth?”
“The actual reason his marriage failed. It could be one of those questions you have to drill deep to get the answer to. His natural response may be to just say irreconcilable differences, but that’s never really all there is.”
I grunted. “That’s what my petition says.”
“There’s more to why you and Vince aren’t together anymore. You’re not a catchall legal term. None of us are. If your brain is going to recognize something, it might as well be the truth.”
I nodded.
Dr. Johnson continued, “But remember there aren’t always clear paths to the truth. People don’t always participate in your process, especially if they’re suppressing their own pain. The best you can do is challenge them to share, but then accept if they won’t or can’t.”
“I’m not sure I’m up for that.”
“Think about it, Mariah. It’s your choice. No decision is wrong.”
***
Talking to my father about his divorce felt invasive, especially since I spent so little time talking to him at all. We were on FaceTime. Gray was coming in at his temples, but he hadn’t aged much over the years. Sabrina had his whole face. That’s what Grandpa Odell would say in Gullah. It was a good thing for her. My dad was as handsome as she was pretty.
I’d asked him about Lorraine, and he’d hesitated to answer.
“Lorraine never liked me.”
“That’s ridiculous. She liked you.”
I rolled my eyes. He was always telling that lie. “I lived an experience with her. Please don’t dismiss how I felt I was treated.” I paused and added, “I reminded her too much of my mother. She resented me for it.”
My father was quiet. Processing truth, I supposed, so I continued.
“Why did your marriage end?”
He grunted. “A lot of reasons.”
“Tell me what they were.”
“Mariah,” he frowned, “it’s complicated and—”
“And what? Personal? Dad, I’m in therapy. I’m trying to work through some things.”
He pitched an eyebrow. “Therapy. How’s that going?”
“Slow, but I’m learning things about myself... good and bad.” I rolled my neck to work out the tension this conversation was bringing on. “My therapist advised me to find out why your marriage ended.”
“Why would she tell you to do that?”
“I guess because the marriage itself was such a huge source of pain for me.”
My father groaned. “Mariah, I’m sorry I let you down...”
“Dad, please. This isn’t about you or your failing. Not right now. It’s about me and what I need to know, so can you just tell me?”
He pressed his lips together firmly. “Lorraine was hard to live with. She’d become increasingly narcissistic and paranoid. She accused me of being unfaithful and wouldn’t believe it wasn’t true. I got tired of the witch hunt. By the time I filed for divorce, I’d already given up on us.”
This time I grunted.
“What was that sound?”
“Vince gave up on me. I’m trying to figure out how it’s different. I don’t think we expect our partners to give up on us.”
“We also don’t expect our partners not to try to be their best selves.” He sat back. “I’m kind of overtalking about this.”
“It’s okay, Dad. I have your answer. She was mentally unwell.”
We were both quiet for a while, and then he asked, “How are things with the restaurant?”
I gave him an update.
“Sabrina sent me pictures. The refresh looks great.”
“The food truck business is solid, so I think we’ll do really well with the restaurant.”
We talked about a few more things and ended the call. I didn’t feel the way I usually did when we finished talking. I wasn’t as angry as I normally was, but I was still feeling some bitterness.
Dr. Johnson told me that anger was normal. All negative emotions were normal.
“It’s a primary emotion that protects us.Don’t let anger or shame trap you.We can’t think our way out of our emotions.We have to process through them.”
I took a deep breath and another. And I let it be okay that I was angry. I put down my phone and sat there for a few minutes. After practicing my breathing exercises, I meditated on my thought for the week, which was “Focus forward.” I spent way too much time in the past looking at half-empty glasses, so this was an important mantra for me.
I opened my journal and looked at one of the notes I put there.
I can overcome anxiety, fear, and depression. After all, David slew Goliath.
I let that sit with me for a moment and then said it out loud. “David slew Goliath.”
An alert popped up on my phone. Another one about the show Vince was going to do. I laughed instead of crying this time. David slew Goliath. Hope’s words came back to me.
“Show up for yourself. You’re the only one who can.”
I deserved more than a hundred thousand dollars and a car that would only be good for another few years. I deserved to have a savings and a house of my own since I was sure not to want to live with my grandparents forever. My settlement needed to give me all that.
I closed the alert and sent a text message to my attorney.
I want to get every possible dime I can get from Vince.
A thumbs-up emoji came back with the words: I was hoping you would fight.