Chapter 32
THE CROSSROADS
Clover
My heart rate calms slightly once I’m out of the athletic facility’s parking lot, though I don’t feel great about leaving Maverick behind—and with his family, no less.
I’m on edge as I turn onto Hackett Street, looking for Gabriel’s black BMW.
He’d been quiet all semester, ever since the holidays—too quiet.
Going through our lawyers, playing by the rules I set .
. . That isn’t like him. He’s always liked setting the parameters of our relationship.
The street is empty of cars, though. I’m nervous as I pull in, terrified that Gabriel is going to be waiting for me. But there’s no one lurking in the shadows, at least not that I can see.
As soon as I walk in the door, I call Sophia, and she comes down right away. I fill her in on what happened after the hockey game and how it seems Gabriel has been watching me somehow, even if he hasn’t come around.
“This is not good,” I conclude, wringing my hands. “I have no idea how many people witnessed that. What the hell was Gabriel thinking?” I clasp my hands, resisting the urge to bite my nails.
Sophia shakes her head. “I don’t know, but now might be a good time to consider that order of protection. Gabriel was quiet for a while, but he’s really been escalating since you filed for divorce.”
I think back to the beginning of the end of our marriage, when his control started to slip, and his behavior became erratic. “I thought him showing up at my parents’ over the holidays was bad, but this is something else. What if he reports me to the school? What will I do?”
“Take a breath, Clover.” She reaches over and squeezes my hand. “You were very careful. You followed all the rules, and based on the official protocol, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Logically yes, but you and I both know that my colleagues—our colleagues—won’t see it that way.
The double standard in this profession is ridiculous.
No one even bats an eyelash when one of the men professors ends up marrying the PhD candidate he mentored.
This won’t be viewed the same way. I might not want to be a professor in the long-term, but it could still have a very negative impact on my future career. ”
“You’re assuming the worst is going to happen. Do you really think Gabriel would report you to the school? And wouldn’t he need tangible proof?”
“It was stupid to go to Maverick’s game. What the hell was I thinking?”
“He asked you to come support him, so you did. Lots of faculty attend school sporting events. I doubt you were the only one there tonight.”
“That might be true, but how many of those faculty members are sleeping with one of the players?” I run a hand down my face. “That was such a bad call, Sophia. I should’ve known better.”
She sighs. “You can’t go backwards, though, so we need to make a plan for how you’re going to deal with this.
Regular classes are almost finished, and then we’re into exams. What’s the worst that can happen?
I’m asking sincerely—in your mind, what’s the worst-case scenario? What are you most afraid of?”
I stop and consider that. “It’s so complicated.”
“Okay. Unpack that for me. Tell me what makes it complicated. Are you truly concerned about what our peers will think?”
“I don’t want people to think I’m taking advantage of one of my former students, or that I would abuse my power like that.” I press my fingers to my temple, the truth of it finally settling in. “Oh my God, Soph. What if I’m exactly like Gabriel?”
Her eyes widen. “Why would you think that? Where’s the connection? How do you make the leap from going to see your boyfriend play hockey to being a manipulating control freak who intentionally removed all your support systems and now refuses to sign divorce papers?”
One of the best things about Sophia is her ability to make me vocalize my thought process. It’s why she’s so good at what she does.
“I pursued my student, just like Gabriel pursued me.” My chest tightens at the thought. “Am I repeating history?”
“Let’s back up for a second. As soon as Maverick became your student, you did exactly what you should have to protect yourself and him. You passed his assignments over to your TA to avoid a conflict of interest. And you didn’t pursue Maverick; he pursued you.”
“But I kept letting him into my life.” I close my eyes a moment. “Okay, okay. Think about how this looks from the outside, though. My ex-husband shows up at a school sporting event to what? Confront me publicly? Did he come into the arena? How long was he watching me?”
At the end of the game, I’d been stopped by a few students who wanted to chat. My plan had not been to stick around so long that the team came out.
I hadn’t noticed Gabriel until I was at my car, and he stepped out of the shadows. He seemed ready to snap, not in control the way he usually presents. He told me he knew what was going on, and then Maverick had come outside with his parents, and Gabriel had homed in on him, instead.
I finger the tiny origami charm at my throat. “Has he been following me this entire time? Or is this another one of his tactics to gaslight me?”
“This is why I think it might be time to consider the order of protection. He knows he’s supposed to go through the lawyers.”
“But then I’ll have to admit I’m involved with a student.
Is he purposely backing me into a corner so I have to out myself?
Or is this some convoluted way to try to get me to stop seeing Maverick?
” I can’t get any of these answers if I don’t talk to Gabriel, but I also don’t want to give him the satisfaction of caving, which again, is what he wants.
Sophia echoes my thoughts. “Based on what I know about him, I don’t think you’re too far off base. This was clearly a ploy to get a reaction out of you. I don’t like that this seems to be his new strategy.”
“I’ll talk to my lawyer in the morning and find out the procedure for an order of protection.
” It’s not an answer, but it’s something.
“This is such a mess, Soph. I can’t even begin to consider how difficult this is going to be for Maverick or what his parents must think. How could I ever face them after this?”
That’s a pointless question since I don’t even know where Maverick and I stand. Whatever we are is supposed to end when he signs a contract.
Sophia shifts to look at me carefully. “The bigger question is, do you want to face them?”
“I don’t know.” But even as I say it, my heart tells me it’s not the truth.
“You don’t know because of what happened with Gabriel, or you don’t know because you haven’t thought that far into the future?”
“Why do you always ask the hard questions?”
“Because I’m your best friend and I’m a therapist. It’s what we do.”
“I feel like an idiot.”
“Why?”
“Because I allowed myself to fall for someone I can’t logically have a future with.”
“Because his career path is going to take him to another state.”
“That’s one reason,” I mutter.
“Here’s what I think. You’ve set up a whole bunch of barricades to make this relationship more difficult than it needs to be.
I understand keeping it quiet until you’re no longer part of the faculty for all the reasons we’ve talked about.
No one wants to be the fodder for that kind of gossip, so I get it.
But if you shed the other fears, particularly the age gap between you, and just look at the relationship you’ve formed with him, would you want to try to make it work, distance or no distance?
Do you think he’s worth the risks and the challenges? ”
I voice the truth I’ve been trying to suppress for months now. “I feel like I’ve met my soul mate.”
“So that’s a yes.” She reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Find out if he’s in the same place you are, and if he is, decide where this is going to go.”
I nod. I know she’s right.
It feels a lot like my stomach is going to turn itself inside out as the minutes tick by while I wait to hear from Maverick. It takes more than half an hour before that happens, and all I can do is run through worst-case scenarios with Sophia.
Five minutes after he messages asking if it’s okay for him to come over, there’s a knock on my patio door. As soon as he steps over the threshold and closes the door behind him, my face is in his hands, and his lips are on mine.
It’s just a soft press, but even as brief as it is, it provides comfort. He pulls back, his eyes searching. “Are you okay?”
I cover his hands with mine. “I’m fine.”
“Such a liar.” He dips down to kiss me again.
Sophia clears her throat, and he pulls back, dropping his hands this time.
“Hey, bestie.” Maverick lifts a hand in a slightly awkward wave.
“Hi, Maverick.” She mirrors the wave and points to the ceiling. “I’m going upstairs, so you two can talk. Text if you need anything.”
“Maybe don’t sleep with your earplugs in tonight,” I suggest.
“I was thinking the same thing. I’ll text when I’m locked in.
” She slips her feet back into her shoes and leaves through the sliding glass door.
Less than a minute later, I get a text, and I send one back in response while Maverick makes sure all the doors and windows are locked and the house alarm is set.
We go to the kitchen together, and he pulls out two mugs while I fill the kettle.
“I’m sorry about tonight. I saw him and reacted and didn’t think about the mess I might be making for you,” he says softly.
I set the kettle to boil and turn to him, resting my hip against the counter. “Don’t apologize. I know you did it because you were worried. It was probably good that you interrupted.”
“What was he even doing on campus? I’m really starting to wonder if you need an order of protection. My dad has friends on the force, I’m sure he can get it pushed through.”
“You’re not the first person to suggest that tonight.
And he’s tired of going through the lawyers.
” I shrug. “It’s hard to manipulate me when he can’t get to me.
” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I’ll talk to my lawyer in the morning, but I’d really like to be done at the school before I resort to an order of protection. ”
He nods. “Because of the potential backlash, which I understand, but it also concerns me. I’m worried he knows you’re not likely to go to the police because I’m a student.”
“I know. We’re so close, Maverick. The year is almost over. I just don’t want the gossip.”
He nods and taps his lips. “I get it. No matter what, you get tarred with the professor-who-slept-with-her-student brush, whereas I get to be the undergrad who got into bed with his hot professor. It frustrates the hell out of me that if our roles were reversed, it would be the student everyone tried to blame.”
“Society is full of double standards, and I don’t know that they’re ever going to disappear.”
“I shouldn’t have asked you to come to the game.” He drops his head, shaking it slowly. “That was stupid on my part, and I put you in an impossible position.”
I take a step closer and put my hand on his chest. “I wanted to be there to support you.”
“It put you at risk, and that’s not what I want.” He covers my hand with his and brings it to his lips, kissing the tips of my fingers.
“It was a calculated risk. Gabriel showing up was unexpected. How are things with your parents?”
He smiles wryly. “My mom asked if I was a paid escort.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Her head goes to weird places.” He rolls his eyes. “They had questions, and I told them the truth, that we were seeing each other, that I wasn’t your student anymore when we got involved, and that you’re in the middle of a divorce and your ex is a problem because he’s refusing to let you go.”
“Were they upset about your involvement with me?”
“They don’t know you. My dad’s most worried about Gabriel and whether he’s unstable.
He wanted to file a report, but I told them I wouldn’t put you in that situation.
” He pokes at his bottom lip with his tongue.
“Mostly I was worried you were going to call it quits on us because it’s becoming too risky for you .
. .” He swallows. “I would understand that, even if it’s the opposite of what I want. ”
“It’s not what I want either,” I say softly.
“Okay.” He blows out a breath. “Good. That’s good.” His eyes dart around before landing on me again. He strokes my cheek, and his voice is soft and slightly pained when he whispers. “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose this.”
“I feel the same way.” My heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest as I prepare to be completely honest.
“I need to tell you something,” we say at the same time.
He grins, and so do I. “You can go first.” I squeeze his hand.
“I was about to say, ladies first.” He gives me a chagrined smile, then nods like he’s psyching himself up.
“I know things are kind of up in the air as to where I’m going to be after contract talks, and that you have plans of your own, but the way I feel about you .
. .” He stops, shakes his head, and clears his throat.
“This is—this doesn’t feel temporary. Not for me, anyway. ”
I take a step closer, until our toes touch. “It doesn’t feel temporary to me either.”
“No?” Hope and fear swim behind his eyes.
I shake my head. “Not temporary at all.”
“You feel permanent. Like you’re inside my heart and my soul, and I want to keep that.
This is the most grounded I’ve ever felt in my life.
” He raises a hand, as if he’s expecting me to interrupt.
“I know that’s twenty-five-ish percent shorter than yours, but that doesn’t negate this feeling.
I’m in love with you. And I know the odds don’t seem stacked in our favor, but I still want this.
You. Us. I don’t want to put an end date on you and me. ”
“I don’t want that either.” I smile softly up at him. “And as much as I tried to fight against it, my heart took the reins. I love you too.”
His eyes flare, as if my response is unexpected. “Yeah?”
I nod.
“So once the semester is over, no more hiding?”
“No more hiding.”
“I can take you on dates whenever and wherever? Call you my girlfriend in public? Hold your hand?” He gives me a lopsided, dimpled grin.
I mirror his smile. “We can do all of those things.”
“I can embarrass you with public displays of affection?” He bites my knuckle and tugs me forward, wrapping his arm around my waist.
“I don’t know about these embarrassing PDAs.”
“What about innocent kisses?” His lips skim the column of my throat. He nips at the edge of my jaw.
“What’s happening behind the fly of your pants doesn’t feel very innocent, Maverick.”
“We have privacy, though, and parts below the waist are highly aware of that. Plus, this feels like a defining moment in our relationship, and all of me is appropriately excited about you being my girlfriend outside this bubble.” He smooths his thumb across my bottom lip, backing up so I can see his face.
“I know it’s still going to be complicated, but I’ll do everything I can to be worth that for you. ”
I smile. “You already are.”