Chapter 34
ONE STEP CLOSER TO THE UNKNOWN
Maverick
Istep out of my bedroom, which I haven’t slept in much lately, and nearly collide with Kody. Right behind him is Lavender.
“I’ll see you when you get home,” she says. “Hey, Mav, it’s nice to see your face. I’d ask where you’ve been for the past two weeks, but I don’t have time to wait for you to concoct a lie. Good luck on your last exam today.” She kisses Kody on the cheek and rushes down the hall.
“Slow down, babe. I’d like you to be in one piece when we leave for New York!” he calls after her.
She flips him the bird but grabs the railing as she rushes down the steps. From the oof, I’m guessing she missed one.
“Why is she rushing? She gonna be late or something?” I ask.
“Nah.” He rubs the back of his neck. “She wants to get to campus with lots of time to spare in case some random, unforeseen thing happens that could possibly make her late. Also, she anxiety pees like three times before every final, so she hangs out near the bathroom for about fifteen minutes because she doesn’t want to have to go in the middle of the test.”
“Huh. That’s . . . weird.”
He shrugs. “Seems to run in your family. You ready for your final exam? You really haven’t been around much lately.”
I follow him down the stairs to the kitchen. The front door slams shut, indicating that Lavender is gone, and it’s just the two of us.
“I saw you yesterday at hockey practice,” I tell him.
The season is over, but it doesn’t mean we don’t make the most of ice time when it’s available.
There were some rumblings about what happened in the parking lot after the game when Gabriel showed up, but I dispelled the rumors, saying some drunk dude was getting out of hand.
No one pushed it or questioned it, so I let it be.
“I mean outside of hockey.” Kody grabs a box of cereal from the cupboard and the jug of milk from the fridge, setting them both on the table.
“For the past couple of weeks, every time I knock on your bedroom door, no one answers. I was kinda hoping we’d get to hang out a bit more since Lavender and I are basically jumping on a plane right after convocation.
” He opens another cabinet and retrieves two bowls, passing me one.
I grab two spoons, and we take a seat across from each other. “I’m sorry, man. It hasn’t been intentional. I’ve been juggling a lot with classes, the gym, and hockey. Why don’t we hang out after our exams today?”
I grab the box of Harvest Crunch, and Kody goes for Life.
Clover has to work all day, and she’s clearing out her office—not that she’s accumulated all that much since she’s only been here a year.
Since that last showdown with Gabriel, I’ve been off the grid, and Kody and I haven’t had much time together outside of hockey.
He’s leaving for the summer tomorrow, and then who the hell knows how often we’ll see each other after that.
Unless one of us has our rights traded so we end up on the same team—I still like to fantasize about that sometimes, even though the odds are slim.
His eyes flare, like he’s shocked I would suggest we hang out. “Yeah. That would be great. Wanna grab lunch at the campus bar? I should be wrapped up by eleven thirty. What time is your last exam?”
“Starts at nine thirty, so I should be done around the same time.”
“All right, cool.” Kody shovels in a mouthful of cereal.
“Cool,” I echo, and do the same. We both nod a bunch of times while chewing. “Why does this feel like we’re awkwardly making a date again?”
“Uh, I don’t know, but it does.” I can see he’s working up the nerve to say something. “I feel like there’s this divide I don’t know how to cross with you, and it keeps getting wider.”
I sigh, realizing we need to have this conversation and it probably should have happened long before now. “I’m not mad at you for dating Lavender. I knew it was going to happen. All of us have known it was coming.”
“But there’s something, Mav. If it’s not me and Lav, what is it?”
I lace my fingers behind my head. “It’s not you, man, it’s me.”
“This sounds like the beginning of a breakup speech.” Kody’s shoulders hunch forward, like I’ve physically harmed him.
I guess if that’s what he believes, I have. I need to fix that. “I’m not breaking up with you, asshole.” I smile but clear my throat. “When you and Lav finally got together, like we all knew you should be, I was relieved because you’d spent so much time beating yourself up over what happened.”
“And you didn’t?” Kody challenges.
I poke at my cereal. “I did. Sometimes I still do. But the point is, I knew when Lavender came here this year that you two were probably going to end up together. What I didn’t plan for was how hard it was going to be.
You and I had three years of hockey and hanging out, and it felt like when we were kids—then it was gone.
I knew it was coming, but I didn’t realize how lost I would end up feeling. ”
Kody leans back in his chair, brow furrowed. “Lost how?”
“You’ve always known exactly where you were headed. You played hockey before you could walk. You knew it was going to be your thing.”
“You’ve been the same way.”
I shake my head. “It’s different for me.
I play because it keeps me connected to the people I care about, like my dad and you.
And it took the onus off River. Your whole life is mapped out for you and has been since you were a kid, and I’m not in the same place as you.
That’s not your fault, but watching you and Lav this year, seeing you so sure of your future, it made me realize how unsure I am of my own. ”
“You’ll get called up this year. There’s no way you won’t.”
“Maybe. Yeah. But what I’m saying is, I’ve probably been a shit best friend this year. And I’m really fucking sorry because it’s not about you or my sister, it’s just me, trying to figure shit out.”
“You haven’t been a shit best friend. You’re the reason Lavender and I are together at all,” he says with a conviction I envy.
“You’re together because you’re supposed to be. I just gave you a nudge in the right direction.”
“Gotta admit, when you said I should move in here, I wasn’t sure how well that was going to go.” Kody pokes at his cereal with his spoon.
“It wasn’t my subtlest move, but it was probably my best one.” I chuckle and change the subject, feeling like I’ve finally cleared the air with him the way I should have months ago, but didn’t know how. “You excited about the summer in New York?”
“For the most part, yeah,” he says. “I mean, it’s kinda bittersweet, you know? It feels like this year has flown by, and as excited as I am for everything that’s coming, I’m going to miss this.” He gives me a sad half smile.
“We had the last four years together. And you’re gonna marry my sister one day, so you’ll be my brother-in-law, and we’ll definitely see each other on holidays at the very least.”
“Yeah. That’s true.” He nods as he mulls that over.
It’s all coming together for him. And here I am, still hiding my relationship with Clover, unsure of what the next month will look like, let alone the years that follow.
I’d like to tell him about Clover, but I don’t want to put him in a position where he has to keep it from Lavender.
It’s better to wait until convocation is over.
His jaw works for a second. “You never know, though. Maybe we will end up playing for the same team. How cool would that be?”
“Really fucking cool.” I dig into my cereal, trying to figure out why the idea of having to be on the ice, with or against him, makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
I finish my exam with twenty minutes to spare and go over the questions I had the most trouble with one last time before I hand it in.
Now all that’s left is convocation. Kody and I go out for lunch, which turns into beers, which turns into us getting so wasted we need Lavender to pick up our stupid, drunk asses because the Uber driver said no.
I pass out in my bed for several hours and wake up feeling like a bag of shit. I shower, hoping the beer that’s still seeping out of my pores is diluted enough by the gallon of water I drink that Clover won’t smell it on me.
My ability to cover up the beer stench fails, but she seems to think it’s funny, and very appropriate almost-graduate behavior.
We spend the rest of the night playing dirty strip Scrabble, and I sweat out the rest of the beer I drank this afternoon when we end up naked on her living room floor, acting out all the dirty words we made.
It got a little kinky, since I played the word shocker, and I found out it wasn’t something she’d experienced before.
The next morning, I get up early, wake Clover with oral, get inside her, make a mess of her sheets, and then pull her into the shower with me where we have more sex before we get dressed and make breakfast.
“My parents are going to be there this afternoon,” I tell her as I beat several eggs in a mixing bowl, adding shredded cheddar and some chili flakes.
“I figured they would be.” Clover fries onions and hash browns in a pan, stirring them continually. “It’s kind of a big deal to graduate.”
“It’s a lot bigger of a deal to get your PhD, but I think they’re just relieved I finished with a degree.
” I add the eggs to another frying pan. “My sister and Kody are leaving this afternoon for New York, basically right after convocation is over. We have enough time for a quick lunch, and then they go to the airport.”
“How do you feel about that?” she asks.
I poke at the edges of the egg with the spatula. “I’m happy for them. He’ll be my brother-in-law one day, so he’ll always be part of my life, one way or another.”
“Change is hard.”
“But necessary.”
She hums her agreement. “Do you want to come back here after? We can celebrate together? I’ll pick up a bottle of champagne.”
“That sounds better than perfect. I can make us a dinner reservation somewhere if you like? Unless you’d rather order in?”
She runs her hands over my chest and fidgets nervously with my collar. “Maybe we could stay in? Save dinner out for another night? Unless you want to celebrate with your friends?”
“The only person I want to celebrate with is you.” I kiss her on the cheek and reach around her for the spatula.
“Okay.” She smiles, but it seems a little sad.
When I get home, the front foyer is crowded with Lavender and Kody’s suitcases.
Their flight to New York leaves this afternoon, and now that the day is here, I feel like I haven’t had enough time with either of them.
I’ve been so wrapped up in my own relationship.
I guess that’s normal, but I still don’t love that this may be the last time the three of us are in the same city for what could be a lot of years.
It makes me nostalgic for my youth. I can almost see Clover rolling her eyes and biting back a comment if she could see inside my head. I drop my backpack on the bench and kick off my running shoes, tucking them into a corner so they’re not in the middle of the floor, and head for the kitchen.
“What’re you smiling about? And where the hell have you been?
You can’t wear jogging pants to your convocation.
Mom will lecture you for hours, and we’ll all have to listen to it.
” I look up to find River leaning against the counter with a bowl of cereal in one hand and a spoon in the other.
He’s wearing black dress pants, a white button-down, and a rainbow tie, his customary scowl decorating his face.
“Nice tie.”
The furrow in his brow deepens as he looks down. “Josiah gave it to me.”
“Yeah, he did.” I grin.
River smirks. “I have matching boxers too.”
“What about condoms? You got those to match as well?”
“Not yet. But I’m sure they’re coming. Seriously, though, where the hell have you been?” He sets the empty bowl in the sink.
“Just tying up some loose ends. I’ll be down in fifteen. I need to put on a suit, and I’m good to go. You catching a ride in with Mom and Dad?”
“Nah. I’m gonna drive over with Lav, spend a little time with her before she gets on the plane.” He tucks his hand in his pocket, and his lips pull to the side.
“She’s gonna be fine. She’ll have Kody there with her, and she’ll be back at the end of August.”
“Yeah.” He tugs at his bottom lip with his teeth. “I don’t know if she’ll be back, though.”
“It’s just a summer internship.”
“I feel like she’s spreading her wings, and when she flies, she’s going to soar,” River adds.
“How you feeling about that?”
“Okay, I think. Kody loves the fuck out of her, and she’s got bigger balls than all of us. If anyone deserves this, it’s her.” He smiles, and even though it looks a little sad, it’s genuine.
River has always worn his heart on his sleeve. If he felt something, we knew about it. But he hid the most important part of himself, who he really is. And I realize maybe I wasn’t here for him as much as I should have been this year. Or maybe we’ve all just found our own ways of dealing.
I clap him on the shoulder. “You know, it seems a lot like you and Lavender are in the same place at the same time. It’s fitting.”
“I never thought about it like that, but yeah, I can see it.” He nods slowly. “I don’t think I realized until recently how much you sacrificed for us.”
I give him a questioning look. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“This was your senior year. You could have lived with your hockey buddies, probably should have, but you put me and Lav first. So I hope that whatever’s going on with you, it’s because you’re putting yourself first for once.”
I stare at my younger brother. “Are you high?”
He rolls his eyes. “No. I’m not dumb enough to do that when we’re going to see Mom and Dad. I’m just saying, you’re a good brother.”
“Oh. Well, thanks.”
He pulls me in for a hug I don’t expect, then pushes me toward the stairs, telling me I need to shower off my stank.
River’s words stick with me as I get ready for convocation—and not the ones about the stank. I’m ready for this chapter of my life to be over.