Chapter 13
SPLINTERING
ATTICUS
"You know," Julian says to Aurora. "You should come up to the house. You can meet my wife when she gets back."
A soft smile plays on Aurora's lips as she tucks a strand of dark hair away from her face. "I'd really love to meet her, but I'm not sure if we have time to wait."
Julian frowns, not ready to give up so easily, and I sense the shift in the air around him. Feel it grow heavy as the dark clouds roll into his mind. He's losing his grip. Or maybe finding it. Either way, it won't be long now before he remembers…and then unravels.
I gesture for the nurse, but she's already paying close attention to Julian's state and has started to pull some supplies from her bag.
"At least come and see some of her work." Julian laughs like he doesn't understand what the big deal is, and I'm already beside Aurora, taking her by the arm to help her stand. She pulls out of my grip, but when she sees my face, she stops and looks between Jules and me.
When she realizes what's happening, her jade eyes betray strained emotion.
"We'll come up and see her next time," I lie. "We should let your nurse get you back up to the house. It's getting cold."
"My nurse?"
Julian frowns as he finds her tucking something that looks suspiciously like a syringe into her pocket as she shoulders her bag and stands. "Shall we head back for lunch, Mr. Ashford?"
His shoulders tense, and I'm reminded why I can't bring myself to come every time he's lucid.
It almost always ends this way. Something about seeing us reminds him of things and makes it impossible for him to continue living in his state of vacant-eyed bliss, speaking to his dead wife over bowls of soup and chessboards where he moves the pieces for her and always, always lets her win.
My throat burns, and I clear it, thrashing against the memories that always come when I see that pain take him hostage again. I can still hear the echo of his strangled sobs when Florence passed. The raw, cracking screams of his frustration after he realized what Ambrose had stolen from us.
"Yes," Julian says tentatively, and I let some of the air out of my lungs. "But my family…"
Julian turns, going for Aurora, and instinctively, I reach to pull her back, but he's only taken her hands in his.
"At least come see some of her work," he insists, but the words are edged in distress. "You'll love it. She's such a talented artist, my wife."
He tugs Aurora toward the pond, gesturing to it.
"She painted this," he says in a rush, his shoulders hitching toward his ears. "For the lads. It's magnificent, isn't it, Eli?"
Elijah's jaw tightens as he positions himself next to his father, as ready as I am if we need to help him.
We should get Aurora out of here. She doesn't need to see this part.
No one should see this part.
Julian would hate it if he knew.
"It is," Eli agrees, and he gets that look, that far-off look that tells me he's picturing the art in the way only his mind can. "She painted the water the color of Sev's eyes when it's dark outside."
"And the clay here at the water's edge." Seven digs beneath the top layer of brown dirt with the toe of his boot to reveal the ruddy clay beneath. "She painted to match the shade of Eli's."
"And the light," Julian finishes, waving a hand over the muted gray tones of a sunless autumn day as if he's seeing it how she painted it, in the light of summer.
"She painted all the light over everything in hues of honey for Atticus.
My Flo painted them right into the canvas without painting them at all. "
For a moment, we all look out over the pond, and I can picture it. The painting Julian dubbed his wife's finest work. It's the one I always imagined we'd give him first when I picture us returning his collection to him.
"So come," Julian says at last, tugging on Aurora's hand. "Come and see. And then we'll wait for her to come back and we'll all have a nice lunch."
I shift to help her, but Aurora gives me a biting look that screams back off and then turns to face Julian with a tenderness in her eyes I've never had directed at me.
She squeezes his hands in hers gently. "That sounds really nice."
Julian visibly relaxes at her response, his shoulders dropping a fraction. "So, you'll come?"
"We're in a bit of a rush today," she continues, meeting his eyes. "But maybe next time?"
Jules's brows lower, confused.
"Could you tell me about her?" Aurora asks. "Maybe you have a photo? I'd love to see if Eli takes after his mom as much as he does you."
A flicker of a smile tugs at one corner of his mouth.
She's bringing him back.
Holy shit.
"I do. I do," Julian replies, digging in his left pocket, then his right. "But…where's my phone?"
I flinch.
"Here," Eli comes over. "Scrolling through some photos on his own phone to find one of his mom. "You must've left yours back at the house, Dad."
He hands Julian the phone with the photo open and Julian's eyes beam at the sight of her. It was taken before the diagnosis. How he still sees her. Full of life.
"This is when I took her to Italy," he explains to Aurora with a nostalgic look in his eyes. "Years ago now, but she hasn't aged a day."
Aurora leans in to get a closer look at the image, smiling herself. "She's so beautiful."
Something in my chest cracks.
Florence really was so beautiful. But it wasn't her regal looks or the way she always kept her hair so long and smooth—at least until she lost it—it was a sort of goodness that radiated out from inside of her.
As if there were golden light captured in her skin.
Trapped behind her hazel eyes. In her smile.
Aurora chuckles softly. "Elijah definitely got his nose and lips from her."
Julian snorts. "No, he definitely got his lips from me."
Aurora raises a brow and Julian makes his almost nonexistent lips appear even thinner, joking with her.
"Oh yeah, I see it now," she replies with a laugh, the sarcasm clear.
Julian's eyes lift to mine and he mouths 'I like her' to me while Aurora continues to study the photo of Florence on Elijah's phone. I nod, agreeing, and Julian's eyes crinkle like he's happy for me.
Because he doesn't know what I did.
Julian drops his attention back to the phone. "Let's see what else he has."
"Jules, wait—"
I go to grab the phone, but I'm not fast enough before Julian is able to scroll through two more photos, his thumb freezing over the image on the screen.
It's Flo, but after she lost her hair. It was a goofy photo we took after we all shaved our heads with her.
We look fucking ridiculous, and Flo was so mad at me for cutting my 'lion's mane', but we needed to do it. For her.
That was when Sev got his Greek crown tatt, and in the photo, it's still vibrant and fresh.
Elijah slips the phone from his father's fingers, but the damage is done. There's a hollowness in Julian's stare, and I know there's no bringing him back this time.
I had hope for a moment, but this is how it always ends.
He shakes his head as if he can cast out the image, blinks, and then grips Aurora's hands again.
I shift forward, but she shifts to block me.
"Just come," Julian insists, pulling on her hands, his eyes narrowing. "Come for lunch. Come meet her."
Aurora brushes her thumbs over the backs of Julian's hands. Hands that look like they're gripping so tightly he's hurting her, but she doesn't seem to notice as she softly attempts to bring his attention back to her.
"I'm not sure we can today, but I think next time we could, um…"
Aurora flounders for a response, her eyes lifting to Eli and Sev a little farther away for assistance, but Eli's already stiff, his gaze distant.
I'm as gentle as I'm able to be as I take Julian's hands from hers.
"What are you doing?" Julian hisses. "Don't touch me."
Ellie trots over in an instant, her ears flat against her head as she lets out a little growl at Julian.
"No, no," Aurora chastises her. "It's okay, Ellie."
She bends to pet Ellie, and I notice how she curls her fingers into Ellie's collar to hold her steady.
"Take Ellie back to the SUV."
I pull the keys from my pocket and toss them to her.
She nods and gives one last lingering look to Julian. It's clear she doesn't want to go. She wants to help. But even though Ellie is very well-trained, something tells me she won't tolerate it well if Julian gets violent, which has happened before.
Aurora's throat bobs and her voice is thick when she speaks. "It was really nice to meet you, Mr. Ashford."
She keeps a hold on Ellie as they pick their way back to the trail.
"Who was that girl?" Julian says in a snap of a whisper once she's out of earshot.
I guide him back toward his nurse. "It's Eli's girlfriend, remember?"
"I don't think so. I don't know her."
"You just met her."
Seven shakes his head at me, telling me without words to shut up before I make it worse. Yet another reason I don't always come. Because when I do, I inevitably say the wrong fucking thing and set him off. I'm always saying the wrong damn thing.
He wrenches from my grip and starts to hyperventilate.
"Mr. Ashford," his nurse says in a soothing tone, approaching with caution. "Let's get you inside. Flo should be back by now."
He looks up with a fury in him like I haven't seen in years.
"Back?" he snaps. "Back? Liar. Liar!"
He lunges for the nurse, and Seven is quicker than I am, holding him around his shoulders as he says something low for only Julian to hear. Jules calms, but barely.
The nurse draws out the syringe, and though she's careful to try to keep it out of sight, Julian notices.
"Wait!"
My stomach turns.
"No, wait!" he cries, squirming in Sev's grip as Elijah closes his eyes and clenches his fists like he can't bear to watch.
"I need to," he starts, his eyes frantic as they search and search and then latch on to mine. "Atticus, I need to show you—"
He curses through his teeth as the nurse slips the needle tip into his arm.
"No, stop," I snap. "Wait, he's trying to say something."
I have the nurse in my grip before I realize I've done it, but she's already injected him and gasps in pain at my hold around her bicep.
I drop her, hands up. "Fuck, I didn't mean to—"
I don't have time for this.
Rushing to Julian, I take his arms, his weight, from Sev.
"Jules." I give him a shake, trying to bring him back even as the sedative makes his eyes dull and his expression soften. "Jules, what were you going to say?"
"The…" he slurs, getting heavier in my arms. "Caravaggio."
Seven takes him from me with a harsh look. "Leave it, man."
"But he was—"
"Talking nonsense," Seven interrupts. "Like he always does. You'd know that if you came with us more."
Elijah kicks at the dirt. "Sev's right. It never leads anywhere. He still talks in circles."
I want to argue. Fuck, I want to do more than argue. I want to take him away from here. Away from all his medication and his fucking nurses, and bring him home with us. It can't be good for him, living in his delusions all the time.
Maybe if he were forced to live in the real world for longer than a few months, he would gain some clarity. Get healthier. Maybe even remember something that could help us.
Because we've tried. In the beginning, we tried so hard to get him to recall anything that could lead us to the stolen art, and then later, to lead us to Elijah…but it was all gibberish. All dead ends. All riddles and stories, and scribbles on the floor.
If we could get his mind really clear, then—
"No, Atty," Elijah says, reading my mind.
He sets his jaw as Seven helps the nurse walk Julian to the mouth of the trailhead that will lead them back to the house. "He's been through enough."
There's so much I want to say, but I don't. I won't make things worse between us.
But there's another reason I don't protest. It's ugly, and I have no idea if it's true, but it disgusts me that it might be.
Because I don't know if I want to bring Julian home to help him be healthier, or because of my own obsessive need to know the secrets locked up in his unraveled mind.
It's moments like these that I'm glad to have Eli and Sev to temper my worst impulses.
If only one of them were there that morning when I saw the message on Aurora's phone…
They aren't always going to be there.
I let go of the tension still winding in my chest and force in a breath. "You're right."
His brow furrows.
"I'm sorry."
Those words seem to be coming easier lately. I wonder when that happened.
Eli jerks his head in the direction Aurora went with Ellie, already starting to get that distant look in his eyes. The one he always gets after a visit that ends badly. "We should head back to the car."
I fall into step next to him as Seven jogs back to meet us, leaving the nurse to take Julian the rest of the way. It's only about a hundred meters through the trees and if I squint from the incline of the hill, I can make out the tops of the Ashford house's old brick chimneys.
"She spoke to me," I find myself saying. "I didn't think she would, but…"
"It's a start," Eli agrees.
I nod, but there’s a sick feeling roiling in my gut. Hope and dread twisted together so tight I can’t tell them apart.
It’s more than the sour end to another visit with Julian.
Something’s coming. I can feel it.
I just hope we’re ready.