Chapter 45
CADE
Carrington Row – Wexley University
I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be up on the balcony of The Row, standing in the shadows, staring down and hiding like a damn coward.
Lex is talking to someone, Madison Rae, I think. And Bella? Bella’s in a fucking chair. Grinding on my goddamn brother. I feel sick. Like something sharp is lodged under my ribs, slicing deeper every time she moves. Every time she laughs. Every time her hands touch him like they used to touch me.
I shouldn’t have come. I told them I needed time. Space. But the space is suffocating and the time feels endless. A blank canvas with no shape, no light, no color. Just aching white.
I thought maybe I could handle this. That I could be the one to walk away just for a little while. That it would help. But it hasn’t. It’s made everything worse.
Because distance doesn’t soften anything, it only makes the sharp edges harder to ignore.
I should have stayed home tonight. Painted. Sketched. Poured all this ache into a canvas. Something safe and quiet. But instead, I’m here, watching the girl I love light the world on fire while the guy I love dances in the flames with her.
The crowd is chanting her name like she’s a goddess. And maybe she is. Braid swinging, hips rolling, power carved into every motion like it was born in her bones. She’s sex and starlight and danger, wrapped in a cherry red bikini and denim so short it should be illegal.
And Lex?
God. Lex is fury incarnate. Muscles tense, jaw locked, rage simmering behind those ice-blue eyes. When he moves through the crowd, they part for him like he’s a fucking god descending. They should. He’s the Hollow King.
And she’s his queen now. Bella turns, sees him and smiles like the whole universe just spun into place. That smile, it used to be mine.
My chest fractures.
Lex reaches her, says nothing. Just lifts her up, her legs wrap around his waist like she was made to fit there. She melts into him without hesitation. The way he kisses her like he’d go to war for her, like she’s oxygen and he’s drowning.
It wrecks me.
Lex was right to be mad. He was. I got over his darkness. Chose him in spite of all of it. The blood on his knuckles, the fire in his veins, and the ghosts he never talks about. I stood by him even when it meant patching up bruises I didn’t cause.
So why couldn’t I do the same with her? Why did I run the second she cracked open that door and let me see the part of her she’s been hiding since we were teens?
I remember the first time she fell asleep on my shoulder in the back of my dad’s car. I remember the nights she texted me from Ellie’s room, just asking if I was awake.
I always was.
And now? Now I can’t stop thinking about the way she moans when I’ve got her pinned. The way she comes undone for me with nothing but my mouth. The way her legs shake when she lets go of all that control, just for me.
God, I miss her. I miss him too. The way Lex holds me after he spills deep inside me. The way he fills me up until I don’t know where I end and he begins. The way he says my name when he’s falling apart.
What the fuck have I done?
Lex breaks away from Bella, eyes dark with something only she seems to calm. He mutters something against her lips—too soft to hear, too painful to imagine—then heads toward the DJ booth.
Bella doesn’t follow him. She and the girls collapse onto the poolside loungers laughing and talking. Taking a well deserved break from the first dance of the night.
I should leave.
I should really leave.
But I don’t.
I stay rooted to the shadowed balcony of Carrington Row, one hand gripping the iron railing, knuckles white, watching them like a fucking creeper.
Lex must be done with Knox now because he looks like a man on a mission.
His eyes locked on her like she’s the only person at this party who exists.
I see it before she does. One second, she’s laughing with Ellie and Haley near the edge of the pool.
The next, Lex is behind her. He grabs her wrist and pulls her up.
She spins into him, smiling like she already knows what’s coming. Like she’s been waiting for it.
He leans down, says something only she can hear and she nods. And then he’s pulling her, again. Right past the crowd. Past the stage. Straight into one of the white-draped poolside cabanas.
The lights inside are low. Just enough to see silhouettes.
Just enough to watch.
Lex doesn’t waste a second, neither does she. He presses her against the support beam, mouth crashing to hers. She rips his shirt over his head in response.
Buzz. Buzz.
ELLIE: Why are you torturing yourself?
ME: What are you talking about?
ELLIE: I can fucking see you, Cade. You’re not as stealthy as you think.
I glance down at the pool just in time to catch Ellie waving at me like she’s about to drag my ass down there herself.
ELLIE: Just come down here.
ME: No, I can’t and do not tell anyone I’m here.
ELLIE: Ugh! You are so dramatic.
ME: I’m dramatic? El, have you met yourself?
ELLIE: OMG Cade. Look. I know this whole thing has been hard on you. But it’s officially been too long. Plus, it’s been hard on all of us. And I get it, you’re hurting. But we all love you. And we all love them too.
ME: I know.
Dots, dots, and more dots.
Great, she’s writing a book.
ELLIE: No, you don’t. You’re acting like you’re the only one who’s ever been gutted by love. But here’s the thing, big brother… you’ve always loved her. Since you were sixteen. You were just too chicken shit to admit it.
ELLIE: Don’t even try to deny it. I remember you coming into my room after that party in Philly, pacing like a maniac because you had to go pick our drunk asses up. You were fuming… and then quiet. You sat on my bed and kept asking me how she was.
ELLIE: You’ve been hooked ever since. You just never had the balls to act on it. Not really. Until Lex.
ME: Don’t bring him into this.
ELLIE: Why not? At least he shows up. At least he＊s fighting for her. You? You hiding like a little bitch on the goddamn balcony while the girl you’ve always loved thinks you don’t even want her anymore.
ME: El…
ELLIE: She’s miserable without you, Cade. She tries to act fine. God, you know how good she is at pretending… but she’s not. She talks about you all the time. Keeps finding reasons to bring you up like she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it.
ME: She looks happy.
ELLIE: Yeah. Surface happy. But not real happy. Not the kind of happy she was when it was you and her. Not the kind of happy where she would get that stupid sparkle in her eyes every time you walked into the room. Sure, she is really into Lex. But she loves you, you idiot.
ME: I don’t want to ruin her night.
ELLIE: Then come down here and make it better.
ME: What if it’s too late?
ELLIE: It’s not. Not if you would stop watching her from the balcony like a Nicholas Sparks character and actually go to her.
ME: You’ve been waiting to use that line, haven’t you?
ELLIE: For years.
I glance back up from my phone and look toward the cabanas. His hands are all over—her waist, her thighs, her ass, her ribs. Bella arches into him, one hand gripping his jaw, the other buried in his hair. Her heel slides off. She doesn’t even notice.
She’s not thinking about me. She’s not thinking about anything. Just him. Just Lex. My stomach lurches. I should be in there.
He pulls her leg around his waist. Grinds into her like he owns her. Her lips are parted, head tilted back as he moves to her neck, biting, licking, marking her like he wants every fucker at this party to know: Mine.
I flinch. My chest cracks wide open, raw, stupid, and aching. I should look away, but I can’t. I should’ve held on longer. I should’ve stayed. Should’ve told her I could love the darkness in her the same way I learned to love it in him.
Instead, I’m up here.
Alone.
Watching the two people I want more than anything fall deeper in love without me.