Chapter 14
I didn’t know what to think about having dinner with Blade, especially with it being outside of the room he kept me in. At first, I wasn’t going to go, but I wasn’t sure how he would react. I didn’t want to cause any more issues. I just wanted him to let me go, and if I had to play his game, then I would.
I was too nervous about everything, so I didn’t even get the chance to see any of the house. I barely paid attention to the hallway or the dining room. I peeked into the living room but didn’t notice much before Blade called out to me.
The gaze in his eyes made my body warm, even though he wore a scowl on his face. It was all in his eyes. It was the same look he gave me every time I was in his presence. He was battling his feelings, but I wouldn’t call him out on it. I hadn’t figured out what I felt toward him, either.
Us having sex and the way he left me played in my mind since he walked out of my room. It made whatever I felt for him more conflicting. I wanted it again, but what did that say about me? Did I like him for real, or was it just because he’d been the only contact I had for weeks, or however long I had been at his house? At some point, I lost track of time. I just knew that when the sun rose and set, a new day had come.
I was a little uncomfortable being around him, especially when he asked me to tell him about myself. I wasn’t sure what he wanted to know exactly. When he asked me about my father, I told him the truth, but I didn’t want to elaborate on why I felt the way I did. I had already said enough. I didn’t know what Blade’s plans were, and I didn’t want to give him any motivation to do something to my father, even though there was a small part of me that wanted him to. People acted so scared of my father, and sometimes, it sickened me.
Yes, Harold was a menace at times, but he thought he was untouchable, and I couldn’t understand why other people thought the same thing.
As time went on, I began to feel like my father wasn’t worried about me or my safety. I was sure he knew where I was, but why hadn’t he come to get me? That was a question I asked myself almost every single day. It was weird, and it made my feelings about everything more conflicted.
Tears suddenly streamed from my eyes when the realization of my father not giving a damn about me hit me.
“He really doesn’t care,” I whispered as I wiped my eyes.
I thought about the only two living people that loved me—Uncle Evan and Cayenne. I didn’t have to guess that if they could have, they would have gotten me by now. I knew my mother would try, too, if she were still alive. She might have been scared of my father, but she was protective over me. I think that was why my father didn’t bother me too much while my mother was alive. I wish she would have just stuck up for herself or taken me with her. I hated that I would never get the answer. I probably should have gotten therapy a long time ago because I had abandonment issues along with a host of other shit.
I told Blade the truth about me never wanting to be in love because I didn’t see the point. I refused to be abused, and I was afraid of another person leaving me. That was the reason that, no matter what, I held on to my father. Yes, he wasn’t the best father, but he was my father and didn’t leave me like my mother had.
As I sat on the bed, thinking about how my life had turned out, I thought for a minute that Blade would forget to lock the door, and I could try to escape. Hope filled me, but it was quickly deflated when I heard him lock it. I thought maybe we were finally getting somewhere, but I guess I was wrong.
“Maybe I should have asked him some questions instead of leaving so fast after I ate.”
“Girl, as vague as he was, he wasn’t going to tell you shit.”
I officially resorted to talking to and answering myself. I was past the point of losing it; I’d completely lost it. Talking to yourself was one thing, but answering yourself was on a different level.
“Yeah, I definitely need therapy if I ever get out of here.”
I got comfortable in the bed because that food made me sleepy. I wasn’t sure if he cooked it or not, but I had to admit that it was good. It was chicken alfredo and some other pasta dish with red sauce. Both were good, and I wouldn’t mind eating them again. The salad was good too.
I stared at the ceiling as I thought about what could have happened to Blade that made him swear off love. I mean, I didn’t think he was capable of it anyway since he was holding me hostage. As far as I knew, he only had a mother that I guessed he cared about. I wondered how he would feel if someone had kidnapped her. I was sure he wouldn’t like it, so why did he think it was okay to hold me against my will?
But you fucked him with no hesitation.
My conscience whispered, reminding me of the things that had transpired earlier in the day. I could have said no, and even though he kept me here, I didn’t think he would have taken it if I said no. Mean, yes, but a rapist? I couldn’t see it. If that were the case, he would have done it from the beginning. I also didn’t think he would feed me if he did something so vile to me. I wanted sex with him, even if it were just to see how it was, and it sure was worth it.
None of that mattered; I still was somewhere I didn’t want to be, and I needed to find a way out.