Chapter Seventeen
Beck
“Babe.” Blade wrapped his arms around me from behind. Resting his chin on my shoulder, he whispered in my ear, “I’ve got you now.”
I closed my eyes and sank back into his warmth as the first tear fell.
“Tell me about him,” Blade encouraged.
“I can’t even bring myself to say his name,” I cried. “How can I tell you about him?”
“It’s ok, start from the beginning. Where did you meet him?”
A chuckle escaped before I could stop it. “We met at school. We were seven years old, and he was the new kid. He told me years later he hated being the new kid. His family moved around a lot and with every new school, he would make new friends just to leave them less than a year later.”
I smiled at the memory.
“The first time I talked to him, he wouldn’t even tell me his name. Said he didn’t want any friends.”
I looked over my shoulder at him. “Kind of reminded me of how you got up and walked away when I said hi to you when we first met.”
He looked a little ashamed at that. “Sorry, babe, it was a bad day for me.”
“I told him I always got what I wanted because Grams told me I was te-na-sis. That was how I pronounced it when I was a kid.”
I turned around and looked at him.
“Can we sit down? This might take a while.”
I gave him a watery smile, and he pulled me over to sit in the grass.
“It was lunchtime, and he was sitting all alone. He told me he was too mean to have friends. That was when I enlisted Ryder to help me. Rachel was pretty quiet back then,” I added, thinking about how shy she was and how different she was now.
It must be Cash’s influence.
“We were relentless. Ryder and me. We didn’t give him the option of not being our friend. Once he finally gave in, we were like the four musketeers. We did everything together at school, lunch, recess. We even got in trouble together.”
I sat with my legs crossed and I reached over to pick a few blades of grass. Anything to distract me while I tried to get this out.
“He and I had a unique connection, though. Maybe it was because we both had a parent we hated. Whatever it was, it drew us together.”
Releasing a heavy breath, I steeled myself and continued.
“We started spending more time together outside of school. He would come to Grams’ house and hang out. Sometimes, when things got bad with his dad, he would sneak into my room and sleep in my bed with me.”
I took a minute to sift through my memories, deciding on which ones I wanted to share.
“His dad bought him a dirt bike. He had done something he needed forgiveness for and chose that as a grand gesture. I used to ride with him all over town. He used to bring me here, actually. We found that trail and rode up here one day. It was our spot. Whenever either of us needed cheering up, or to scream, we came up here. Sometimes, we just came up here to lie in the grass and watch the clouds. There were also times we would sneak up here at night and look at the stars.”
I peeked over at Blade to see how he was handling everything so far. He was just staring straight ahead. I wondered what he was thinking. I hadn’t even gotten to the bad stuff yet.
“Elementary school turned into middle school and before we knew it, we were in high school. We were still super close, but things were also different. He had noticed girls. I kept hoping he would notice me.”
“He noticed you, babe.”
“How do you know?” I asked.
“How could he not?” he rasped, his voice laced thick with emotion.
“Yea, well, I’m not sure he did. Pretty sure he saw me as a sister,” I admitted, looking away.
“Impossible. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.”
His hand reached up to cradle my cheek.
I placed my hand over his and closed my eyes.
“You need to understand. I was still a dorky teenager back then.” I snickered and pulled his hand down to hold it in my lap. “He was my first kiss, though.”
“What?” he gasped.
Nodding my head, “Yup,” I said, letting the p pop at the end. “It was after school one day. I had caught up with him under a tree where he liked to sit and read. He was always reading.”
I heard Blade chuckle at that.
“Hey, don’t laugh, seeing a guy read is hot!” I said, bumping his shoulder and making him laugh.
“I like to read,” he stated, wagging his eyebrows at me.
The jokes helped ease the tension I felt.
It was only going to get tougher from here.
“So, tell me about this kiss,” he prompted, bumping my shoulder back. I looked over at him and tilted my head, really looking at him. “What?”
“I don’t know. There’s something about you. I have only ever felt this comfortable with Ryder and with him . Well, once you stopped growling at me.”
“What about Jack?” he asked.
“Jack is great. He’s fun, he makes me laugh, but…” I hesitated.
“But what?” he prodded.
“Jack is like Ryder. He is a great friend. Someone you can call anytime. You’re different. You’re more like he was,” I hedged.
“Are you hoping I’ll notice you?” he asked, and I felt my cheeks heat.
“Pretty sure you noticed me when you barged into Grams’ kitchen and found me in my underwear,” I said, still embarrassed by that encounter.
“Damn right I did,” he admitted with a wink. “Have I distracted you enough? You were spiraling a bit.”
There he went again.
Blade seemed to read me like he did.
“What’s your real name?” His eyes widened at my question.
I knew it came out of left field, but suddenly I needed to know what it was. He looked away before he answered.
Pulling his knees up, he rested his forearms over them.
“Justin. I never really cared for it much, so when I joined the club, I was glad to have a club name and left that name behind.”
Hmm, he doesn’t look like a Justin.
“What made you join the club?” I asked.
Yes, I was delaying talking about that last day.
“I didn’t have the best family growing up. I had a great childhood because of the friends I had. When I turned eighteen, I left. I traveled around the country for a bit, looking for something I had lost. I found it but, it wasn’t mine anymore.”
He looked down at the grass between his legs, taking a heavy breath.
“Shortly after that, I met Jack in a bar one night. He talked me into prospecting for the Shadows, and it was the best decision I ever made. With them, I found a piece of what I had lost.”
“So you’ve been with the club for five years?” I asked, knowing they bought the land five years ago.
“Seven actually, we joined the Mother Chapter in Arkansas. Did a year of prospecting, then a year as a patched brother. When King wanted to open another chapter, he asked Jack and I and a few others to come along. He was looking for a spot and I suggested Diamond Creek.”
“Why here?”
“I had been through here when I was traveling and fell in love with the area. The vastness and how open it is called to me. I can hop on my bike and just ride for miles and not have to think about the turns or the other drivers. Sure, the riding season is shorter here than down south, but the lower population more than makes up for it.”
“Wow. I can’t imagine anyone making a choice to live here. I left with the intention of never coming back.”
That had been the plan until Grams called. I didn’t want to come back to Diamond Creek. I didn’t want to be surrounded by the memories of the boy I lost. I stayed as long as I could for Ryder and Rachel, but I had to run. I had to try to move on.
Not that it worked, but at least I tried.
Did you though?
Did you try?
Or did you just stick your head in another sandbox somewhere else?
“Did you leave because you wanted to get away from the town or the memories?” he asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
I wasn’t sure I was ready to answer that question yet.
“You are pretty good at deflecting. I’m not letting you off that easy, though. I still want to hear about that kiss,” he reiterated.
“It really wasn’t a big deal.”
Okay, it was a really big deal, but I’m not going to tell him that .
“Really? The boy you were hoping would notice you kisses you and it wasn’t a big deal? Bullshit,” he responded. “Tell me what happened. And help me understand why you are so afraid to talk about it.”
“It changed my life,” I admitted. “In more ways than one. I had stopped to talk to him after school to see if he was coming over to Grams’ house later. We joked about the girl he just broke up with. Then, just when I turned to leave, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back into his chest and kissed me. Like it was something he did all the time. Like it didn’t affect him at all.”
“Babe, I have kissed those lips. Trust me, it affected him.”
“Thank you,” I said, bowing my head, hiding the blush that was taking over. “It definitely affected me. I had fallen in love with him when I was seven. He was the only person who didn’t give me everything I wanted. Told me no, when no one else did.”
Smiling, I remembered how he never put up with crap from me.
“He argued with me. He encouraged me when I told him about my dream of being a journalist. But even if I hadn’t, that kiss would have sealed the deal. I was so sure he would tell me he felt the same way when he came over that night. Only, he never showed up.” I felt the sting of tears gather behind my eyes.
“What happened?”
I looked up at Blade as the tears rolled down my cheeks.
“He died.”
Blade held me while I cried.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.”
“Everything changed after that. I didn’t want to live without him, but I wasn’t strong enough to do anything about it. Rachel and Ryder were with me every day. Sometimes, we would just sit in silence, but they never judged me. They were grieving too, but I was so caught up in my own grief that I couldn’t see theirs. My mother wanted to leave town, but I couldn’t leave Ryder and Rachel before graduation. They had done so much for me.”
I stood up.
I had to move.
Blade followed, jumping to his feet.
“You know they talk about the stages of grief. Denial was quick. I lived in denial for a year. I refused to believe it. Anger was next. That hit me at my senior prom. Grant talked me into going with him. I found out I had won prom queen, and I left before the announcement. I was so angry at him . How dare he leave me? He should have been the one to take me to prom, not Grant-Mother-Fathers-Nicholson.”
I heard Blade snicker at my cuss words , but I ignored him.
“After anger came bargaining. Never have I prayed so much in my life. Begging for him to come back. I was willing to never see him again if it meant he could live. That was how much I loved him.”
I was pacing now.
Blade just stood there quietly, waiting for me to get it all off my chest.
“Depression, boy, that one took its toll. Years of going through the motions. College, work, life, I got through it all feeling nothing. I never went on dates. No dates, meant no goodnight kisses.”
I stopped pacing and looked at Blade. “The night Grant attacked me. When you kissed me after bringing me home, that was my second kiss. Ever.”
I caught the shock on his face.
I knew what he was thinking.
“And sex?” I huffed. “That is such an abstract thought to me that I don’t even know if I would enjoy it when it finally happens.”
I shut my mouth and walked toward the edge.
Looking out over the town, I let my words sink in.
I heard his feet shuffle behind me, before his hands were on my shoulders.
“What about acceptance? When did you get to that one?” he whispered.
“When I get there, I’ll let you know. I can’t even bring myself to go see his grave. I haven’t been there since the funeral.”
“What about the day I saw you there with Ryder?”
I knew that was him.
I wondered how long he had been following me.
Shaking my head, I confessed, “I couldn’t do it. I didn’t realize where Ryder was leading me until we were inside, and then I had a panic attack and we left.”
Blade turned me around to face him. He pressed a kiss to my forehead and asked, “Think you could make room for me?”
I looked up at him, confused.
“What?”
“I want to be in your life, babe. I tried to keep you out. Thought, if I was mean enough, you would stay away. One taste of you and I was powerless to stop you from worming your way in, but here you are. Now, I don’t wanna let you go.”
“I’m broken, Blade. Weren’t you listening? I don’t know how to live for anyone else.”
“Then live for you. I know what my kiss does to you. You can’t hide that.”
“I don’t think…”
“Don’t think, just feel.” Then he dropped his lips on mine and everything else fell away.
My eyes fluttered closed and I let myself feel everything. The way his hands brushed over my hips, pulling me closer. The way my nipples tightened when my breasts smashed against his chest. The feel of my hands on his muscular arms, sliding up to circle around his neck.
I inhaled his scent. The combination of cologne and the leather of his cut. The way it swirled around me muddled my concentration.
The sounds of the mountain disappeared as I got lost in the sensations caused by his mouth on mine. I no longer heard the birds that had been serenading us, or the crickets chirping out a tempo.
When he pulled back from the kiss, he took my hand and walked to his bike.
“Come on, that’s enough for today. We need to get back. I’ll drop you off to freshen up and change, but I want you at the clubhouse tonight. We have the Mother Chapter here, so there’s a party tonight and a run tomorrow. I want you by my side tonight and on the back of my bike tomorrow. Say yes.”
There was only one answer he would accept.
There was only one answer I wanted to give him.
Right then, I made a choice. To stop the merry-go-round that wasn’t going anywhere and step off to see what another ride offered.
“Yes.”