Twenty | Avery
Twenty
Avery
“I sn’t it too late to make a list for Santa?” Kennedy questioned with a frown on her face. “Christmas is in one week.”
“It’s never too late, sweetie,” I assured her, hoping she didn’t hear the crack in my voice. I didn’t know if she was able to remember when we usually did our letters to Santa, but I hoped that she was young enough for it to be super vague in her memories.
“I don’t even know what I want.”
I could feel my blood pressure start to rise, worried this was a terrible idea after all. Sam rested his hand on my shoulder reassuringly, and it instantly calmed my nerves.
He pulled out the chair on the other side of Kennedy and sat down.
“I always had a hard time writing my list to Santa when I was little,” he said, pulling Kennedy’s attention to him.
“You did?”
He nodded.
“Yeah. I didn’t want to ask for anything too big because I was worried it would never fit in the sleigh. And then I would worry that if I picked a gift that was too big, then there wouldn’t be room in his sack for gifts for other kids. So then I would try to think of small gifts but would worry that if they were too small, they’d get lost, and he wouldn’t know he had a gift for me.”
“I didn’t even think about that,” Kennedy said with wide eyes.
“Well, the thing is that I used to overthink everything. Then, one day, my mom and dad sat down with me to write my letter, and they reminded me of the most important thing about gifts from Santa.”
“What’s that?”
“That they always have magic.”
Her eyes widened as a smile ghosted her lips.
“Magic?”
He grinned and nodded again.
“Magic was the key to getting what I wanted for Christmas because then I didn’t have to worry if it was too big or too small. Santa would use his magic to make sure the gift made its way under the tree.”
“Wow. That’s so cool. What was your favorite gift you got from Santa?”
He leaned back in his chair and scratched at the stubble of his five o’clock shadow.
“Hmmm. That’s a tough one. I think my favorite gift from Santa was my chemistry set. I was obsessed with knowing how and why things worked, so it was a lot of fun for me to do different experiments and see what happened.”
“Did things explode?!”
“Sometimes,” he admitted with a laugh. “But nothing serious or dangerous. My dad helped me with a lot of it, which is why I think it’s one of my favorite gifts. It brought me a lot of happy memories with my dad.”
“I don’t have happy memories with mine,” Kennedy said, lowering her head.
My heart exploded in my chest as a wave of emotions rushed over me. This was the first time Kennedy had ever said that out loud. Grant wasn’t around much when she got older and didn’t really bother to try to bond with her when she was a baby. He wasn’t abusive to her, other than withholding affection and not giving her any attention. But to hear her say that she didn’t have any happy memories with him broke my heart. It wasn’t that I wanted Grant to step up and be the best dad for her; it was that I wanted her to have someone who wanted to be a good dad to her.
“I’m sorry. That has to be hard,” Sam said empathetically. “I had a friend growing up that his parents got divorced when he was little, and it was really hard on him.”
“What did he do?”
“He learned to adjust to all of the changes, but he was lucky that he had parents who loved him and tried to make things as easy as possible for him.”
“I don’t think my dad loved me,” Kennedy said with a sniffle.
I turned my head to keep her from seeing the tears in my eyes. I knew this day would come, but I wasn’t ready for it to happen now.
“Do you know what I think?” Sam said, continuing the conversation since I couldn’t.
“What?”
“I think your dad loved you in the best way he knew how. Sometimes that might not be easy for us to see or feel, especially if we’re used to feeling loved in different ways. But I don’t think your dad didn’t love you. I think he just didn’t know how to show you.”
“Oh. Maybe he should have asked Mommy for help. She always tells me she loves me and gives the best hugs.”
“Yeah, maybe. But sometimes people have to learn to love themselves before they can learn how to love others the way they need.”
I wiped my eyes and tried to pull myself together.
“Okay, so now that we know about Santa’s magic, did you think of anything you want to add to your list?” Sam asked, completely changing the subject.
I got up and blew my nose, making sure I had it together before I sat down at the table again.
“I really want this art set,” Kennedy said, taking us both by surprise. “I saw it on Grandma Amelia’s table, and she let me see all of the pretty paint colors inside.”
My heart felt like it was going to melt again as I smiled down at my beautiful daughter. I didn’t even bother to correct her on calling Amelia grandma because if that’s what she felt like she was to her, so be it. It wasn’t like we had a relationship with my parents, and now Grant’s were out of the picture, too.
“I think that’s an excellent thing to put on the list. Are there other art supplies you think you might want to add as well?”
“Oh! Aunt Cassidy has these fun scissors that make weird lines when you cut with them. Some go this way, and some go that way.” She moved her finger in the air to show us the zigzag patterns she was talking about.
“Awesome! Let’s add those as well.”
I felt the tension start to lift from my shoulders as the spirit in my daughter came back to life. I knew I’d been in a funk and battling depression the past few months with all of the changes, but I never stopped to think about how much it was affecting Kennedy. I was thankful for a lot these days, but tonight, I was most grateful for the friends who had quickly become family and were helping us through these challenging times.