24. Blaze
BLAZE
There’s something kind of bullshit about needing to attend classes while I’ve got so much going on in my life.
Nothing about this marketing class is grabbing me.
As soon as it ends, I’m ready to bolt. I can’t even manage a charming smile for Janet when she tries to approach me about the group project.
I should start skipping. What are they going to do, fail me? Prevent me from graduating?
What a joke.
Except I’m no longer so sure I’ll be taking over for Dad. The Bouchard Syndicate was always my future, but now, I have no fucking clue anymore.
I check my texts, relieved to find one from Asch telling me that he got Pandora and Samantha safely to their dorm room.
That doesn’t mean Pandora is going to stay safe. Bobbi—Lynx—might not be going after her, but the threats aren’t over.
Nothing is ever over.
I know enough about my dad’s business to know that even if we stopped with all this BS, the world wouldn’t change. The backroom deals will continue. Networking will still get you ahead faster than hard work.
It’s really not like me to get nihilistic like this, but the past few days might be getting to me.
My entire body is wired. I didn’t even release any aggression the way Asch and River did when they took on Bobbi. I’m glad I was there to help Pandora, but I’d had to be the smart one. The calm one—and who thought that was a good idea?
I need to hit something.
Without a convenient punching bag around, the gym will have to do. I stop by my car for my gym equipment, then make my way to the locker rooms.
River is in the middle of changing into his workout clothes, and he glances at me. “Don’t see you here often,” he remarks. “What brings you to my domain? You look like you want to kill someone. I can suggest a few candidates, if you want.”
“Your domain?” I scoff. “It’s the gym, River. And I come here plenty.” I lift my shirt up to show off my abs. “I don’t get like this without working out.”
His gaze sweeps over me, lingering on my abdomen before looking back at my face. “Fair enough,” he says. “Want company? I have some aggression to take out, too.”
“Yeah. I’m sure I could kick your ass,” I say with a smirk.
River scoffs, but he waits for me to get changed so we can head to the training room together. I notice River make a strange curve around the entrance to the saunas.
Not a fan of the heat, maybe?
“Asch texted,” I mention. “He’s with Pandora and Samantha in their dorm. He’ll probably stay with them for the night.”
“Good,” River says. “I’m glad someone’s there with them.” He exhales slowly. “I don’t think Pandora will appreciate having one of us with her all the time, but…” He trails off. “We just don’t know what’s going to happen.”
I stretch to loosen up my muscles. “I mean, let’s be real, half of it is protecting Pandora from herself.”
I shouldn’t have said that.
Pandora would hate me for saying it.
But I remember how she’d been after the attack, and how frayed and broken she’d looked.
If she’d allowed it, I would have kept her locked up in my room and spent all day with her. All week.
The rest of our lives.
River winces, but he nods. “Yeah. She’s… She’s not doing so hot, man.”
Try telling me something I don’t already know.
He starts to stretch, too, limbering up.
We get into position across from each other.
“No face punches,” I say. “Or groin anything. Because we don’t want to make Pandora even more upset.”
“No vitals,” River confirms. “No dirty tricks.”
He takes a step toward me, taking the offensive right away as he tests me with a jab aimed at my shoulder. I let him clip me, then counter with a punch of my own.
It’s different from sparring with Asch. River’s movements are slower, but each one is more deliberate and powerful.
I’m so used to Asch that River catches me off guard, and I mentally chastise myself for that.
I need to be able to deal with any threat, not just ones that fight like my best friend does.
“You think Asch is fucking Pandora right now?” I ask as I try to unbalance River with a kick.
“Might be,” River says, sidestepping the kick and getting into my guard so he can aim another punch at my stomach. “That ever bother you?”
I block his punch, but wince from the impact anyway. “Nope. It’s hot, Asch fucking Pandora.” I send a jab his way, but he backsteps. “Does it bother you? Pandora with me. Pandora with Asch. Pandora with both of us, without you.”
My next kick catches him in the calf, but he doesn’t stumble.
He starts to circle me, and I can’t get a good look at his face as he replies with surprising honesty, “Sometimes.”
I don’t know what to make of that. I know that Pandora is too much for one person. If I didn’t have Asch and River to help, I’d have been swept up in all of her craziness by now.
Sometimes, I still want to.
It would be easier to kill everyone and dye the world in blood.
Easier, until we get caught.
Easier, until blackmail stops working or somebody decides to take us out.
Easier, until even our connections can’t get us out of it.
“You think you could handle her on your own?” I ask mildly.
River ends up in front of me again, and he shrugs. “I could try. It’s more…” He takes a deep breath, and he meets my eyes. “There’s this whole dynamic I’m not a part of. And I get it. You and Asch have history. But it’d be nice to not be on the outside.”
I stop moving too. My lungs burn with how heavily I’m breathing. “If you don’t want to be on the outside, then stop being a little bitch and actually hang out with us.”
River scowls at me. “I’m not being a little bitch.”
“No?” I shake my head. “Then why haven’t you had dinner with me and Asch at all since we all got back from winter break? I know you weren’t with Pandora every night.”
He’s quiet for a moment, but his hands clench into fists at his sides. “I didn’t want to intrude. Speaking of intruding, have you told Pandora that you two were about to fuck on the couch when I walked in?”
It’s my turn to be stabbed by guilt. “We haven’t had the time,” I point out. “Rescuing Pandora and reassuring her was more important.”
“Yeah, guess telling her that wouldn’t be very reassuring,” River mutters. He sighs, holding up a hand. “Now I’m being a little bitch. It’s not like I want to be in the middle of a Blaze-and-Asch sandwich, but I hate being on the outside, too.”
I step closer to him and push his hand down. We’re around the same height, which means we’re on eye level with each other. Heat radiates off of River, and I can smell his deodorant mixing with his sweat.
River stares apprehensively. “What are you doing?”
Nothing about River is attractive to me. Not that he isn’t hot; he is, I know that objectively. But I’m not drawn to him like I am to Pandora, or even the less intense attraction I have for Asch.
But I grip the back of River’s neck anyway and press my lips against his.
He startles, his body going rigid against mine, but then he’s kissing me back—not quite demanding, but not submitting either. It’s only for a second, then he pulls away with a quick glance around us.
No one else is around to have seen it.
“Wow,” I say. I have to resist the urge to wipe my mouth. “I’m really not missing out. I should tell Pandora you’re ass at kissing.”
“Shove it, Blaze,” River mutters. “Maybe if we weren’t in the middle of the gym, I’d put more effort into it. But the last thing we need are pics of us kissing circulating around campus, too.”
“Better pics of us than…” I bite my lip, and my gaze instinctively goes in the direction I know the basketball hall is.
His eyes darken. “Yeah.” He looks down at the floor. “I don’t regret a lot of things, but I’d erase that if I could. All of it. Pandora’s always had it hard, even back in high school. I was so determined to get revenge on her that I forgot why I love her.”
Love.
I’m not sure I know what that word means. It gets thrown around a lot, and my mom has said she loves me, but beyond that? I never got attached to people or things. Use them once, discard them.
I kept Asch.
And I’m going to keep Pandora.
I can’t imagine a world where I don’t have her at my side, making dumb jokes, egging me on, getting sexy and violent and leaving me completely breathless.
Is that love?
No fucking clue.
“She got worse after that,” I say. “The talk of… her heart being missing, or eyes in the walls. She didn’t do that before.”
“I think that might’ve always been there,” River says.
“She didn’t talk about it or anything, but there’s always been something she’s hidden from everyone.
I think it might’ve been that. But I don’t know for sure.
It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that we made everything worse, and we have to fix it. Somehow.”
I grab my water bottle and sit down on the mat. After a few gulps of water, I say, “How do you fix her mind, River? She’s never going to accept that maybe she needs to be on meds or something.” I curl my nose in disgust. “Or therapy. Fuck. I wouldn’t do therapy. Would you?”
River shakes his head and joins me on the mat. “No.” He huffs out a bitter laugh. “I probably need it, though. All of us, with everything going on, could probably use a shrink. But what would we tell them that wouldn’t make them go to the cops? A whole lot of nothing. Except…”
I wait for him to continue, but he stays silent.
“I heard some people talk about their problems with friends,” I say with a bitter laugh.
“Or their parents. There was this show I saw, where the end was the family admitting they needed to actually tell each other their feelings. And the closest thing I remember my dad doing was to tell me how much of a disappointment I was, and that I needed to do better.”
“I think we all have daddy issues,” River mutters. “And mommy issues.” He’s quiet again, then he offers, “My mom finally left my dad. Or he killed her. I don’t know which. I just know she’s gone.”
I realize I don’t know anything about River’s family, outside of his dad working for the Pavones.
“Which version is better?” I ask.