Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
C ontacting Copperpipe wasn’t always the easiest thing to do.
Unless Gwil had a tight deadline, he tended to send a message by shouting into the nearest manhole, waiting a day or so, and then head into the sewers to find him.
This time Copperpipe came to him. “I want to go to Dante’s,” he demanded, having appeared in the middle of Gwil’s consulting rooms unannounced and only hours after he’d tried to make initial contact.
Copperpipe was dressed in his normal grubby sack and patches of dirt and looked even smaller than usual outside the dankness of the sewer.
He barely came up to the top of Gwil’s desk as he peered over the surface with large eyes and his bulbous nose dripping snot onto a stack of unfinished paperwork.
“Hello to you, too, Copperpipe,” Gwil said, rescuing a set of his notes on a possession caused by ghost mice haunting a nearby cinema.
Copperpipe bounced on the balls of his feet. “Will you take me? I want to go to their food hall. I’ve heard they have ice sculptures and dancing oysters.”
“Can’t say I noticed either of those. They do some nice cakes, though.”
“Take me. Then I will be able to understand what it is you are looking for. Guaranteed.”
Gwil was confused by the request. Copperpipe didn’t need a babysitter. “Why can’t you go on your own? Slip in through the sewers and have a poke around. There must be a way to access the property from below.”
Copperpipe sneered. “They have a no-goblin policy, and while I’m not technically a goblin, those types of wards won’t let me in. I can’t sneak past them from underneath.”
He would have thought Hyax would have mentioned something if there were blocking spells in place, but he supposed some things were common enough that they wouldn’t have registered, and Hyax would probably only notice if it was directly impacting him or out of the ordinary.
“I didn’t realise they didn’t let goblins in. ”
“Not going to see what you don’t look for; why would you care about ill-will to anyone who’s not a vampire? To be fair, goblins don’t tend to do well with non-goblins, but it is discrimination, and you can help me circumvent it.”
He didn’t think he would have the power, or if he’d want to exercise it if he did. “Right. I’m not sure I have the clout to get you in.”
Copperpipe sucked his teeth. “Your pretty princeling would.”
“True, but I’m not sure he’d be willing to come with us.” There was no way Hyax would be seen out with Copperpipe, especially if it involved having to watch him eat.
“You are being employed by Dante’s owner, tell him I can help and it will happen.”
“How do you know that?”
Copperpipe tutted. “What other reason would you be doing this?”
“All right. But you’re not exactly dressed the part. If you could scrub up a bit, we could at least see what happens if I ask the doorman to let you in. They don’t have a dress code as such, but I do think you need to up your game a fraction. Maybe a clean sack?”
Copperpipe rolled his eyes. “For someone with such poor dress sense, you are so obsessed with clothes, Fang Face. I am decent. I’ve nothing showing that would make a lady scream or a man faint.”
Gwil didn’t want to know what was under Copperpipe’s sacking that could elicit such a response.
“I get that you’re covered, but what you’re covered with is hardly the sort of thing you can wear to Dante’s.
They can deny entrance for many reasons, not just because they consider you enough of a goblin. ”
Copperpipe’s nostrils flared. He had never seen him properly angry. “I can dress like a streetwalker, just you wait.”
He disappeared in a puff of smoke, which Gwil didn’t realise Copperpipe could do before he could suggest an outfit.
He could only hope that he hadn’t meant streetwalker in the sense of a prostitute, as he couldn’t bring his mind to occupy the space that would generate an image which wouldn’t need bleaching from existence.
He really hoped there wouldn’t be stripper heels.
Gwil noticed a glob of snot on his desk and decided it would be better to reprint the invoice it had seeped into rather than try to clean off the mess, and was in the process of swearing at his printer when Copperpipe reappeared.
Gone was the sacking and the dirt and instead, he was in black and white evening dress complete with spats, a walking cane and a top hat.
“Fucking hell.”
“See, I can dress up,” Copperpipe said, and noticed he also had a monocle and was carrying a pair of white gloves.
“You put me to shame.”
Copperpipe sniffed. “That is not so hard. I did not have to change to do that.”
“For someone who wants me to get him into a fancy store, you’re being a bit rude.”
“You want my help, this is my price.” He stood straight, coming roughly up to Gwil’s hip. “Let us go. You may call a black cab.”
Gwil could refuse, but Hyax would be pissed off he’d squandered a chance to get Copperpipe on board, as for all Hyax’s sniping, he was more than aware of how useful Copperpipe could be, even if he didn’t want to deal with him directly. “All right.”
He shot off a text to Daniel Moreton to inform him he would be visiting with a friend and to ask the door staff to turn a blind eye and let them in, and another to Hyax to let him know what was going on. The answering GIF of a potato laughing was below the belt.
The London cabbie gave Copperpipe a double take, but he’d probably had more exotic creatures in the back, and it was after rush hour, so the traffic wasn’t too bad, apart from the mass of London buses on the same route, slowing everything down.
He paid the fare, hopped out and held the door open for Copperpipe, who was taking his sweet time.
He peered back inside to hear him giving the cabbie horse racing tips.
Copperpipe tapped him with his cane after he had clambered down. “You should treat your drivers well. If he listens, he should make a pretty penny.”
He wished he’d caught the information because he reckoned Copperpipe would have some great inside information. “Keep close. I have sent word we’re coming, so if all goes to plan, there shouldn’t be any issues.”
They approached the doorman, and Gwil did spot a couple of infrared signs on the side of the building that wouldn’t be visible during the day nor understandable to humans. One was a picture of a goblin with a cross through its head.
“Sir,” the doorman, who was one of the smaller troll species that had less trouble with buttons than many of his ilk, said, “Dante’s has a strict entrance policy in regards to clientele. You are quite welcome, but your… friend is not.”
“I have special dispensation to bring my friend.”
He didn’t want to have to call Howard Squire directly, but he would if he had to, and he was saved from having to pull the don’t-you-know-who-I-am? card by the arrival of Daniel.
“Mr Hilt is correct, Topaz, please let him and his guest through.”
Daniel’s expression was on the pinched side. “Is there somewhere specific you’d like to go?”
He imagined Daniel would like to limit the usual shoppers’ exposure to Copperpipe, who, despite looking better than usual, had a distinct residual pong of sewer about him the cologne he was wearing couldn’t drown out.
“The Food Hall. He’d like to see the ice sculptures.”
Daniel pressed his hand to a panel by the door. “I’ve deactivated the ward to allow you entry. A colleague will provide your friend with a charm bracelet on the other side so he can pass freely.”
Copperpipe scrunched up his nose. “Why would I want a trinket of yours?”
“To prevent the anti-goblin charms from scooping you into a net,” Daniel said, smiling, his fangs descending a fraction. “Rest assured, we’ll be keeping a special eye out to make sure nothing untoward happens.”
“Thanks, Daniel. I appreciate your help,” Gwil said.
“You can buy me a drink when you’re next at Bled, text me, and I’ll see if I can pop by.”
Gwil didn’t know if Daniel was being friendly or if it was a come-on since a lot of vampires defaulted to flirting. Although Daniel did know about Hyax so he decided to take it at face value. “I’ll be in touch.”
He ushered Copperpipe into the store and they were greeted by a witch who was quick to place a red bracelet around Copperpipe’s wrist. “You’re free to move around without risk now.”
Copperpipe snorted and headed off towards the large sign that said Food Hall , almost skipping with excitement. Gwil would be relying on his plastic friend to pick up the tab because he suspected Copperpipe was not going to hold back. “Oooh, look at those lobsters,” Copperpipe cried with delight.
A waiter glided up to them, and his eyes widened as he saw Copperpipe bouncing from foot to foot, licking his lips.
“Table for two. Somewhere out of the way, if you can,” Gwil said, smiling apologetically.
The waiter seemed relieved by the instruction and led them to a booth at the back. “Something to drink to start?”
“Just water for me,” Gwil said.
“I want a large tomato juice with blended prawns.” Copperpipe smacked his lips. “And you can bring me a seafood platter to start. I like a few nibbly bits.”
Even if he’d been hungry, he’d have lost his appetite as he watched Copperpipe snap the legs of a crab and suck out the meat.
“Good, is it?” he asked, sipping his water.
“Oh, divine.” He belched. “It is a fine starter. I wish now for the dancing oysters.”
Gwil picked up a menu and realised the platter Copperpipe had demolished in minutes was over two hundred quid and meant to serve two as a main. There were several options of oysters, but he didn’t know what Copperpipe meant. “There’s no dancing oysters on here.”
Copperpipe snatched the menu. “My friend who had them said they were so good he did a little jig.”
Gwil was pretty sure Copperpipe didn’t need the monocle, and there was something ridiculous about how he lodged it into his eye socket and peered at the menu. He laid it down and tapped at an entry. “These. A dozen.”
“Fucking hell, they’re twenty quid a piece.”
“You and your pretty fairy are not short of money, and it is my price for helping, well, part of it.”
“ Part of it ?”
Copperpipe stared longingly over at the patisserie counter. “Do not forget pudding.”
Gwil didn’t need to eat but liked to do so because he enjoyed the taste and, before watching Copperpipe eat, he used to like seafood, now he didn’t think he’d ever forget the slurping noise Copperpipe made as he devoured the oysters one after the other in quick succession.
“You seemed to like them.”
Copperpipe was on his feet. He bounced from foot to foot. “Magnificent, see, they made me want to dance.”
Despite his residual revulsion, he couldn’t help but laugh at Copperpipe’s antics. “We should tell them to rename them on the menu.”
“Somehow, I don’t think they’ll agree to my recommendation. They have no sense of imagination.”
Gwil glanced around to assure himself no one was in earshot, there wasn’t, but then the other customers were keeping clear to avoid being splattered by whatever escaped during Copperpipe’s effusive eating. “I do hope you are keeping in mind why you are being fed so well.”
“I am indeed, Fang Face, do not worry. For such great recompense, I will help to crack this puzzle. There is something here that I cannot put my finger on, but I will, although it may take some time.”
He didn’t know if he’d expected anything different. If Hyax and a host of other magical consultants hadn’t been able to come up with the goods, he shouldn’t have expected Copperpipe to perform a miracle out of the gate.
“Hyax said there’s an absence of something here.” He might not be describing the concern correctly, but Hyax had done his best to explain and Gwil still wasn’t sure what he meant.
Copperpipe nodded. “He is correct, and I bet he is mightily concerned by it because nature does not like a vacuum. Magic is considered a form of natural energy, and it will race into any corner it can. That there is a hole, and no obvious reason why, means there must be something, as otherwise the natural order is corrupt. That would be far more obvious than a few minor incidents in a department store.”
He watched Copperpipe stare out across the food hall.
“Even the magical creatures here are being dampened. I am sure they aren’t even aware it is happening, and it might not be malicious, but it is not as it should be.” He sniffed. “Oooh, there’s a giant pink blancmange. I must have it!”
Gwil wouldn’t push Copperpipe to elaborate further here and instead flagged down the waiter who looked aghast at the request. “All of it?”
“Yesssss,” Copperpipe said, wiggling his fingers with excitement.
Watching Copperpipe eat a large pink wobbly mess would be something Gwil would struggle to forget; his immortality was a curse at times. The squawks of joy were high-pitched and loud enough to do damage, and he only just managed to stop Copperpipe from diving head-first into his dessert.
Gwil wiped away the splatters of pink cream from his jacket.
He often returned from seeing Copperpipe smelling strange, but at least this time it was not a foul stench from the sewers.
He wasn’t sure his jacket would survive.
He did have an amazing dry cleaner who used a mix of magic and human chemicals, so maybe there was a hope the sticky stains could be removed; otherwise, he might have to see if Hyax’s tailor would make him a new one.
“You done?” he asked as Copperpipe let out a loud burp that shook the crockery on the tray of the waiter who passed by, trying not to slip.
“Yes.” He patted his stomach. “I figured I’d never be allowed back, so I might as well make the most of it.”
Gwil thought if he wasn’t needed for the case, Dante’s would also ban him and with good reason for facilitating such a shitstorm.
A waiter placed the bill on the table in front of him, and Gwil wasn’t surprised to see an additional and significant cleaning charge.
Gwil added a large tip as they’d most definitely earned it.
He’d get the money back when he invoiced Howard Squire for his work, but for now, he would have to grin and bear it and ask Hyax to pay his credit card bill this month as he was about to hit his spending limit.