11. Nolan
Chapter 11
Nolan
“ I don’t really know where to start.” For the past fifteen minutes, I’ve sat here on this bench, trying to figure out what to say. “You probably already know, but it only seems right to say it out loud.”
Guilt has been eating me alive since leaving Bethany’s house on Saturday night. I went home and sat in my living room staring at the television weighted down with grief.
When will my heart stop bleeding for this woman?
Will the life I feel I should’ve had always haunt me?
How do others move past grief?
Being with Bethany was the first time I’ve felt alive since it happened. My heart still soars with the afterglow, and I yearn for that exhilarating rush again.
But the moment I was alone, a wave of guilt crashed over me, leaving me a huge, empty, hollow mess.
“It finally happened.” I fold my hands between my legs and stare at her name. “I couldn’t take it anymore. The tension between us became unbearable, making it impossible to ignore. So, I gave in and, goddamn, it was amazing.” Closing my eyes, I admit. “I hate that it was. It’s not supposed to be like that with anyone but you. Only you.”
A warm smile spreads across my face as a rush of happiness floods my senses, and a memory unfolds in my mind.
“Do you remember the first time we fooled around?” Sunshine warms my face, chasing away the shadows. “We’d only known each other for a couple of months. It was our fifth date. You wore that tight little number that sent all the blood to my dick. You dragged me to that party at your sister’s fraternity, torturing me for hours. I wanted to pummel every one of those college guys who gawked at you like you were some piece of meat. Stacy stepped in at one point and sent us to her room so I could cool off.”
A laugh bubbles up from deep inside as I remember what came next. All that did was put me in a private room with Stephanie, which triggered the need to mark her with my scent. It was the first time I felt possessive of a woman.
“You started it. Dropped to your knees seconds after your sister shoved us inside. Undid my belt and got to work.” I look around to make sure I’m still alone. “Sucked me until I warned you that if you didn’t stop, I would come down your throat. The mischief in your eyes as you looked up at me told me I was in trouble. You refused to stop, sucked me harder until I spilled into your mouth. Then somehow directed my spurts of cum to your bared breasts. I’d been so thankful for yanking them free seconds earlier so I could play with them while you sucked my cock. It was so fucking sexy watching it slide down between them. You refused to clean it off, and Stacy returned before I got the chance to repay you.”
No guy came near her again after that. Like they knew I’d claimed her, and that she was off limits. And she was. From that moment on, Stephanie was mine and I was prepared to do whatever I had to do to make sure she knew it.
“Then you ghosted me.” Exhausted, I release a deep sigh and sink into the bench, feeling its sturdy support against my back. “It took me two months to get another chance. You didn’t make it easy, but it was worth it. All of it. If I could go back, I wouldn’t change a thing about us.”
Frustrated, I brush away a tear, feeling the dampness on my cheek. “You were everything I needed, and you taught me so much about life and love. But you also hurt me and left a huge fucking hole in my heart that I don’t know what to do with. How am I supposed to move on? Am I supposed to? And if so, why do I feel so guilty about it?”
There’s no response. Not that I expected one.
Dwelling on the past isn’t helping. That day will never leave me. Postpartum is real. Stephanie was on medication to help. I thought she was doing better. No one can be certain if it was intentional or an accident. I think it was an accident, because I know my wife. She would never have chosen to leave the girls or me behind. I blame it on distraction. Her first week back at work and she was learning a new routine. I think she forgot she took the pills, probably because one of the girls needed her for something and she was a good mom and stopped to help. Then she couldn’t remember if she took them and instead of risking a bad day, she took them again. Thankfully, the girls weren’t with her when it happened, both safely at their schools. They assume she fell asleep at the wheel. Drifted into oncoming traffic. Died instantly.
She’s gone. Isn’t coming back. And it’s time to do what needs to be done.
“I won’t be visiting you by myself as much. I’ll bring the girls by, of course, like I’ve been doing. But I can’t keep coming here alone. It’s not healthy for me. I hope you understand.” Standing, I reach for the marble stone wall, its polished surface reflecting sunlight, and trace her engraved name. “I love you. That will never stop, but maybe it’s time to love you from a distance. I need to find out if I can love again. She’s gonna fight it, probably more than you did. I guess that’s the kind of women my stupid ass falls for, those who tell me there’s an end date and that I need to prepare myself for it.
“Thank you. Thank you for the memories and for the girls. I promise to never let them forget you, no matter what happens. Rest now.” With a bittersweet farewell kiss to my hand, I place it over hers again, savoring this final connection before leaving, confident this is the right choice.
“Sorry I’m late.” I apologize to Stacy as soon as she opens the door.
Stepping aside, she makes room for me to come in. “It’s fine. Like I told you when you called, I have the day off.”
The house is quiet, not exactly what I expected with Mollie running around. “Girls still asleep?”
Nervously, she laughs, closing the door behind me. “No. They’ve been up since six. They’re out back with our new puppy and, well, Mom.”
I’m almost to the backdoor when she mentions my mother-in-law, stopping me in my tracks. Even when Stephanie was alive, Susanne and I didn’t get along; things only got worse after she died. I think she blames me for what happened, even though it wasn’t my fault. I get along even less with my father-in-law, Barney. He’s always seen me as not good enough for his little girl and her daughter, even though I took better care of them than he or his wife ever did.
“Your parents are here? You could’ve warned me.” I suck in a breath, trying to ready myself for the shitshow that’s about to go down. “When did they get here?”
“ They aren’t here.” Stacy passes me on her way to the kitchen. “Dad left Mom.”
Hearing that gets my feet moving again. “I’m sorry, what?”
“You heard me. Dad left Mom.” She opens the cupboard, revealing a collection of coffee mugs. Taking one, she hands it to me and gestures toward the coffee machine. “Trust me, I’m just as surprised as you.”
I brew myself a cup of joe while insisting on the details. “When? Why?”
Glancing out the kitchen window into the backyard, Stacy sighs in frustration. “According to Mom, he left her about six months ago.”
“Six months ago? And you didn’t know?”
“Nope.” She lets the p pop as she turns around to look at me. “Mom told me she assumed it was just a phase he was going through. Much like all the other ones. Eventually, she expected him to come home.”
I pick up my mug when the sputtering stops. “And I’m the piece of shit? I never understood why your mother put up with that.”
Barney is a habitual cheater. And Susanne always looks the other direction. It put a strain on the family, and both girls were reluctant to trust men because of his behavior. Every day I had to prove myself to Stephanie, even though I never gave her a reason not to. It was the one thing we always fought about, and I hated it. Hated that her father’s unfaithfulness affected our marriage so profoundly.
“Me, either.” With a frown on her face, Stacy turns her attention back to the view outside. “No way would I allow Levi to behave like that. I’d divorce him,” she snaps her finger, “without a second thought.”
I know she would. Just like her sister, Stacy won’t tolerate cheating. If she ever suspected Levi, things would get ugly fast.
“So, what now?”
The fakest smile I’ve ever seen crosses her face. “She’s moving here. Planning to stay with us until she finds a place. I’m ecstatic. Can’t you tell?”
A chuckle wells up from deep within, a rumbling sound that escapes my lips in an uncontrollable burst of laughter. It’s not because I think it’s funny, it’s because life is about to take one hell of a turn. There’s a reason Stacy and Stephanie were happy when their parents moved to Atlanta, their hometown, where her dad joined his brother, who ran a successful auto repair shop. Stephanie told me it was to get her cheating dad away from the woman he’d been having an affair with after ending things. I guess his mistress got a little crazy and causing problems. It was meant to be a fresh start, a clean slate for them to rebuild their lives. It happened right before I met Stephanie, so I don’t know all the details, just what she shared.
I absentmindedly rub my chin, the slight stubble tickling my palm, and swallow. “She just showed up with no warning?”
“Yep. I guess she has a few interviews in the area for teaching positions. Says once she’s been hired by a district, then she’ll find an apartment or rent a house.” There is a gleam in her eye as she giggles. “You better hope she doesn’t get hired at the girls’ school.”
“Did she apply there?” I ask with trepidation.
“I don’t know. But can you imagine?”
“Do I have to try?”
Laughter erupts from both of us, cut short by the opening of the backdoor. A wild, black blur darts inside, racing ahead of the girls and Susanne.
Mollie spots me first and runs. I barely get my coffee set on the counter before she leaps trustingly into my arms. “Daddy, did you see the puppy?”
“I saw a blur.” I squeeze her and nod at the woman staring at me with a sour expression on her face. “Susanne, nice to see you.”
“Don’t be coy.” She crosses her arms, looking at me with disapproval in her gaze. “Did Stacy share the good news?”
“She told me you were moving here. I’m not sure that’s good news, but it’s definitely news.” I set Mollie down. “Girls, we need to go. I want to get the yard mowed, ours and Miss Bethany’s, before taking a nap. Go grab your stuff.”
Hand-in-hand, Kellie pulls Mollie up the stairs.
Once the girls are out of earshot, Susanna glares at me. “Is she your newest lady friend?”
I tilt my mug back, savoring the rich aroma and warmth of the last sip. “She’s my neighbor and was in a bad accident a few months back. I’ve been helping her out while she heals.”
“I’m sure you have.” The way her nose turns up pisses me off. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? The girls?—”
“Are my problem not yours?” I cut her off, not willing to hear her say more. “My personal life is not your concern.”
“It’s mine if it affects my granddaughters.” As she narrows her eyes, a steely resolve takes hold of her expression. “No one can replace their mother.”
That does it, sends me over the edge. “No one is trying to replace her. But if I decide to bring a woman around, that’s my call, not yours. You’ve got enough of your own problems to contend with; please don’t take on mine as well.”
Mollie runs back in, oblivious to the tension hanging in the air. “Can Grammy watch us next time you work? She said she could. So, can she?”
“She did, huh?” I touch Mollie’s nose with my finger. “We’ll see. But that’s three days away and Aunt Cora was planning to take you to the zoo, remember?”
Mollie nods and glances over her shoulder at my mother-in-law. “Maybe next time, Grammy. I really want to go to the zoo with Aunt Cora. She knows the zookeeper, and we always get to do special stuff when we go.”
Kellie is already at the front door, waiting. I guess she’s ready to go. Unlike Mollie, Kellie’s old enough to see through her grandmother’s fake facade.
Stacy breaks the tension by pulling Mollie in for a hug. “I had a blast. We’ll do it again soon.” She lets her go and walks over to Kellie, leans in, and says something I can’t hear, but it makes my daughter smile.
As I push Mollie out the door, Stacy grabs my arm. “I like her. Bethany. Steph would have liked her, too. It’s time, Nolan. My nieces need you to be happy, and from what I’ve heard, this lady does that. Ignore my mother and get back to living. I miss the Nolan I once knew who had us all in tears with laughter.”
“I miss him too.” My attention is drawn to the girls as they climb into my truck. “I’m trying. That’s why I’m late. I needed to tell Stephanie I wouldn’t be coming by alone anymore.”
It seems weird telling Stacy I go there and talk to her sister, like she can hear me. But then again, I know she gets it because she once told me she does the same when she needs Stephanie’s advice. So at least I’m not the only one talking to a dead person as if she’s listening.
“Good for you.”
She pulls me into a hug, and I try to relax and accept it, but it’s not easy.
Releasing me Stacy, snickers, “Go before you turn into stone.”
I’ve never been a touchy-feely person. It’s the one thing Stephanie changed about me. With her, I didn’t mind. I lost that when she died. Only letting my sister and my daughters pull that out of me. And now that I think about it, it seems one more person has made me crave it again. Surely, that’s a sign.