Chapter 25
Twenty-Five
Jaclyn
Present
Hayden and I get out of the elevator and walk in the direction of my room. He decided to walk me to my room even after I told him I was fine and I could walk by myself.
I need to be by myself because after spending time with Hayden at the beach, I need a minute to just clear my head.
We spent most of our time in the water. We didn’t kiss or anything but he held me against him in the water. The entire time I was worried about someone seeing us since a lot of people know he is in Italy and if someone were to take a picture of us we’d both be in deep shit.
And I’m afraid he would somehow find out about Junior if more of the public knew about me.
Although I was overthinking about everything, being with him with his arms around me, I felt safe and happy. I missed his touch and assurance.
I missed him in general.
No matter what my mind says, my heart will always long for him.
But this can’t happen between him and I.
Hayden is getting married and I have morals and self respect which I can’t just break. One kiss and him touching me is enough damage.
I still am cursing at myself and overthinking about letting him hold me in the water.
But for some reason, being with him doesn’t remind me of the bad memories. When I’m with him, all I feel is longing for more and maybe even love.
But did my love for him ever go away?
I remember when I saw him at the fight, I was terrified because I haven’t seen him in years, but being in Italy, away from our jobs and the public, everything feels somewhat more relaxed then over there.
Hayden opens my door and we both walk inside.
I put my bag on the bed and turn to the side slightly. I feel Hayden’s eyes burning holes where the scar is, again. When we got out of the water he looked pissed when he saw my side.
That night, he didn’t know they cut me because the wound wasn’t bleeding anymore because the blood dried. I had blood on my shirt but Hayden didn’t know where it came from.
“Who did that?” Hayden asks, still looking at my ribs.
I grab a shirt and throw it over my head so that he can’t see the scar anymore.
Am I still ashamed of it when people ask about it? Of course.
I try not to think about that night at all.
Hayden walks closer to me and grabs my wrist as I try to turn around. I don't want to look at him because I can’t help but feel like I’m going to cry if he brings up this situation.
“Jaclyn.” He turns me around to look at him and I feel my eyes start to water a little. “Tell me.”
I push him away from me. “Don’t worry about it. It’s done.” I walk past him and go to open the door but Hayden stops me and instead he pushes my back against the door. “You need to leave.” I glare up at him.
“I’m going to ask one more time,” Hayden whispers and leans down. “Who did that to you?” he asks. “Marco? Eric?”
I try to force him back but he doesn’t budge. “Don’t worry about it. It’s in the past and doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It does if they fucking did what I think they did. I swear to god-”
“What are you going to do? They are both in jail. It won’t make any difference. You knew they touched me.”
“I didn’t fucking know they carved out the tattoo you got for me,” Hayden says, his jaw clenched and his hands near my head.
“Well they did. It’s too late to do anything. They are in jail where they should be.”
“I’m going to fucking kill-”
“Kill him?” I raise an eyebrow at him.
I always knew that Hayden had this darkness inside him that he never showed other than out in the ring.
“Yea. I’m going to fucking kill him and then Marco next.”
I roll my eyes at him. “You’re unbelievable.”
“I’m unbelievable! You’re the one who got fucking carved and God knows what else but didn’t say shit to me that night.”
“Because we broke up!” I yell, getting frustrated with him. He isn’t making this any easier.
“That was because of you,” Hayden says, pointing a finger at me. “Because you didn’t want to stay with me. Because you were fucking afraid.”
“Why does it matter anyways? You’re getting married,” I say as tears fall from my eyes, finally.
I can’t fucking do this with him.
It hurts too much to talk about the past with him, especially because I sometimes regret breaking up with him.
Junior would have a dad.
I’d probably be happy and healed.
“I don’t fucking want her. I want you but you decided to fucking leave.”
I push him off of me and walk past him. “You need to leave. I won’t ask you again; go to your future wife-” I get cut off by the feeling of Hayden’s lips on mine. I wish I could just resist the fight and feel him move against me again but this is wrong. It’s all wrong. I press my hands against his chest and push him back. I look up at him with pleading eyes. “Please stop. Just being near you is hard. Every time, I have to hold my breath because whenever I think of you it’s a painful reminder that you’re not mine.”
Him doing all of this just makes me feel like a horrible person for wanting to be with him again.
But I can’t.
He isn’t mine anymore.
Hayden closes his eyes and rests his forehead against mine. His hands hold onto my jaw. “Five years ago, I promised you that I would do anything to bring us back together. I told you that I don’t break my promises.” Hayden sighs. “You know how fucking vulnerable you make me? I never begged anyone for anything yet here you are making me beg without even doing anything.”
“Why did you propose to Nicole if you weren’t ready?”
“Because it had to be done. I didn’t want to, God I didn’t because I knew there was still you in the world. But it had to be done.”
I shake my head against his and lean back to stare at him. “Then why are you with her if she doesn’t make you happy?”
“Because you weren’t here. I keep telling you over and over but you aren’t understanding.”
“Because you can’t just marry someone for the sake of marrying them,” I say but Hayden shakes his head and lets go of my face.
“You don’t get it.”
“Then explain it to me!” I yell, getting frustrated.
He is hiding so much from me and that’s what started this whole issue in college.
But I’m hiding way worse.
Junior, the pills, that night . . .
“Will you tell me what happened in that fucking room? Will you tell me what fucking killed you that night?”
Another tear falls from my eyes as I shake my head.
Telling him would kill him.
He will be furious and I’m sure he will find Eric and Marco and kill both of them.
“Then there you go. I won’t tell you anything until you come forward with what I want to hear. It won’t make a difference in Eric or Marco’s life because they going to be dead either way,” Hayden says before letting go of my jaw and turning around.
“You know, Hayden. There are two things I’ll never forget,” I start saying before he turns his head lightly with his hand on the door knob. “It’s the way you first looked at me in the alleyway and then the last time you looked at me that night.”
Hayden stays there, absorbing my words before he twists the knob and leaves the room.