Chapter 36
Thirty-Six
Jaclyn
Present
“How’s Italy treating you?’ Brandon asks over the phone.
Junior is still sleeping and I’m not surprised because it’s Saturday so Junior always sleeps in and gets up around 8 or 9.
It’s 11am over here in Italy and since Hayden is out doing whatever it is he has to do, I decided to call them now.
I call Brandon and Junior every morning so that I can see Junior’s face and so he can tell me everything he wants to tell me. And when he gets home he calls too because he wants to tell me about his day.
Brandon told me he cried a few times and had a tantrum recently because he missed me and it made my heart hurt.
I told Junior over the phone that I’d be home soon and right when I get home we can get cinnamon rolls from this really good bakery down the street from the apartment.
He loves cinnamon rolls and every time he does good in school or just whenever we want a sweet treat, we’ll go to the bakery.
Saying we’ll go there put him in a much better mood for sure and made things a tad bit easier for Brandon.
Brandon has learned to handle Junior’s mood swings and tantrums. He has a temper just like his dad and it’s funny because they’ve never even met.
“It’s good. Definitely getting a good tan, that’s for sure,” I say as I sit on the bed and stare at the view out of my window.
It still smells like Hayden was in here because you can smell his lingering cologne and scent.
This morning I pushed my face into the pillows and blushed.
I do deja vu when I did that because in the morning I would do that in Hayden’s room from when we were in college. He would leave me in bed on the weekends when he went to work out and I would smell the pillows.
“New York makes you pale as fuck so it’s good that the sun is treating you well.”
I roll my eyes at Brandon because he always likes to tease me about how pale I am.
“I'm not even that pale. I just need a light tan.”
Brandon laughs. “How are things with Hayden?”
Whenever we talk on the phone, Junior is around so I haven’t been able to talk about Hayden with Brandon at all.
Hayden told me this morning he needs to take care of some things but he wants to talk tonight again.
He and I have a lot to talk about.
His career, his brother, his friend Killian who I suspect is not in a good crowd, his wedding, so much more of what’s been happening with him.
For me, there’s what happened in that room, what I’ve been doing to myself in the past five years, and Junior.
Junior is the main one that he probably cares about the most even though he knows nothing about him.
I don't know whether I should tell him that piece of information first or what happened in the room.
Either way he’ll be pissed so does the order really matter?
I know we have months to talk and catch up on what’s been going on and it will take time so we don’t have to talk about everything at once.
I just feel like we have such little time and I need to tell him everything soon before it’s too late and something happens.
“Things are good. We talked last night a little bit and he told me he wants to see me.”
“Even though he has a fiancé?”
“Hayden was never the type of guy to play games with other girls when it came to me. I trust him, even after so many years,” I say, backing Hayden up.
“I hope you’re right. I don’t want to see you get hurt. You’re still trying to heal from the past and Hayden unfortunately is the past.”
“I know. I’m scared, Brandon,” I admit. “He knows I am too but he’s trying so hard. I want to let him in, I want to tell him everything but God, the past scares me so much.”
“Is he forcing you to tell him everything?”
“No. He just tells me he wants to know but is willing to wait.”
“Does he know about Junior yet?” Brandon asks and I stay silent. Brandon sighs over the phone. “Jaclyn-”
“I know. I know I need to tell him.”
“The reaction he’ll have won’t be good but if you keep waiting until he finds out himself, he will be even more pissed off,” Brandon explains.
“I know. Junior needs to meet him too. I know Junior won’t be mad, maybe in the future he might but I have to think about him too.”
“Junior isn’t calm like you. He may be your son and you may have given birth to him but he acts like you only a little while he acts like Hayden a lot. That’s saying something because I’ve never even met Hayden and you would always say, “Oh Hayden used to do that. That’s what his dad did” and Junior doesn’t even know.”
“Brandon, I know. I just hope the outcome isn’t as bad as what I think it’ll be.”
“You just need to trust that Hayden won’t leave again. If you truly trust him not to leave or just to still be there for you and support you, then you shouldn’t worry. I may not like the guy that much because of how much pain the past with him caused you but I still think he is your literal soulmate and will always be there.”
I lay back on the bed and close my eyes.
Everything I feel for Hayden is overwhelming, it always has been.
I remember the nights I would cry to Brandon or my mom about him. I never cry to my mom about a guy but Hayden wasn’t just any guy.
He was the guy who stopped my world and made it his. He took my heart and held it in the palm of his hand to keep safe.
“I still love him, Brandon. Even after all these years and it hurts,” I say as tears start forming in my eyes.
“No one ever said love was going to be easy.”
“I just wish I hated him sometimes so I wouldn’t feel like this,” I say as I start to cry to Brandon. “I hate realizing how much he still affects me and how much I care and love him. I’m so fucking scared, Brandon.”
“I know. But you’ll be okay. Whatever happens with Hayden, I’m always going to be here.”
“Thank you,” I say, after a while of silence. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Probably end up in the bathtub every night crying while drinking red wine to get drunk.”
And we both start laughing lightly because he’s probably right.