03 | Off Limits
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I spend the rest of the week contemplating Nolan's stupid proposal.
I don't want to have my photo taken but I need the money at the moment, he offered me a good amount and unfortunately, it's softening the idea.
It's just photos, right?
It'll be part of one afternoon that I'll probably forget in a week, then I can go on never interacting with Nolan more than I have to. Sure, they'll be on his website or profiles or something but it's not like I'll ever find myself searching for them. I don't ever need to see them.
But I don't remember the last time I actively posed for a photo, let alone had one taken of me.
Riley tries, she takes selfies, stupid, silly ones of us both that I know don't go anywhere other than her camera roll.
She won't post them because she knows I get weirdly self-conscious about it - that it's the only worry I've never really been able to let go of.
Shouldn't that same fact apply to the ones Nolan wants to take?
The decision continues to swirl in my head during the mornings, when I say bye to my mom and leave for the shifts at the cafe. Cathy's. It's small and hidden in a quieter part of town, one of the places with a million regulars and extremely outdated appliances.
I'm in the last few minutes of my shift, waiting at the counter with my eyes drifting up to the clock, when there's a ring of the bell. My gaze hits the door where a very smiley Riley appears, a thick colourful scarf wrapped around her neck.
"Hi," She smiles, brown hair slotted into two short plaits on either side of her face.
"Hey," I murmur back, "You want anything?"
She shakes her head lightly, "No, no, I was passing by and came to get you."
I glance over at the clock again and it's like the hands are purposefully moving at a snail's pace. I still somehow have three minutes of standing here, even though the place is practically empty, there's someone else on shift and I'm so tired I can feel my eyelids on the brink of closing.
"I'll be a few minutes," I say, defeat in my voice.
Riley glances around at the only two occupied tables, unconvinced.
I flash her a weak smile, as if to say sorry, you know how my boss is.
I try to likeMina, I really do. She can be friendly, smiling and making jokes, but she also seems to have a stick up her ass half the time.
She acts like she's running a Michelin star restaurant, not a tiny rundown cafe. It's a little exhausting.
A silence settles between us both and I catch hesitation on Riley's face, as if she's about to say something but there's doubt. I scan the shell of her brown eyes, my face frowning.
"What?"
She looks up, staring at me a moment before talking.
"Did you hear Alex stopped seeing that girl?"
I shake my head, but I'd assumed. Every time he sees anyone it only lasts for a couple weeks.
We always joke that he falls too hard, too fast. He's a serial dater that likes to introduce every girl he sees to his friend group, immediately tries to integrate her into his life.
He acts like a girl he's known a week is his long time girlfriend.
It never works out, probably because he's always a bit too intense.
"That's why he was being all flirty with you at the market," Riley adds, quieter.
I freeze, glaring at her. No.
"He's always flirty with me."
Everyone knows that Alex has had a wavering crush on me since we were in high school.
It comes and goes, usually just manifesting in a couple flirty comments which I sometimes play into.
He knows it's silly, especially after all these years, he also knows I don't see him that way.
He's just a good friend to me, someone who's always been there. Crush or not, he'd never act on it.
Riley's face curls into a smile and I know exactly what she's thinking. Me and Alex.
"No, no no," I say, shaking my head strongly, "Not happening."
"Come on!" She persists, "He's liked you for forever, why do you think nothing ever works out with anyone else?"
"I don't like him like that, he's my friend, Riley."
She frowns, rolling her eyes, "But you've never tried-"
"I don't need to try anything," I interrupt her sharply, just as the clock ticks forward, "We're just friends, my shift is over and you're going to shut up about this now, hm?"
She laughs, narrowing her eyes at me with calculated suspicion.
She's made efforts in the past to matchmake us but I always shut her down.
I'm not lying when I say I don't have any feelings for Alex.
I see him like a brother, he's a good person who deserves someone special, someone whoactuallylikes him.
I go into the back and gather my things, taking off the scratchy apron around my neck before pushing on my large jacket. I'm still cold beneath it, shivering slightly as I pass the colleague taking my place. I can feel my pale cheeks turning pink.
As we leave the cafe Riley links her arm in mine like she usually does, warmth growing between our huddled bodies.
In an effort to not think about Alex my brain has jumped back to that topic I still don't have a definite answer for, one that concerns Riley's stupid brother.
I'm not supposed to be scared of things anymore, I'm supposed to be different.
I can't let the thoughts start suffocating me again, I need to try and calm the chaos in my head.
"Your brother wants me to be in his photos," I mutter, the sound of my boots echoing on the sidewalk, "I'm his muse, apparently."
Riley freezes, glaring at me with an extremely concerned expression, "Oh God, he's not hitting on you, is he?"
I laugh immediately, it's a breathy laugh of disbelief that frames that shock on my face, "What?"
Nolan? Hitting on me?
Riley is less amused, eyebrows furrowed, "He's had a lot of muses, most of which rotate every two weeks in his bed."
The idea is insane to me. So insane that we've both stopped walking, standing still in the middle of the path.
I don't even know why she would suggest it.
Nolan probably still sees me as a child or at the very least the strange girl in his house it was fun to taunt.
He doesn't like me, doesn't think about me.
"I can assure you that is not what's happening," I say strongly, almost giggling at the absurdity, "He knows how much I hate the camera, he thinks it's fun to torture me."
Riley blinks in skepticism but her face mellows a little, "I hope so...if he tried anything with you I'd fucking kill him."
I think I would too.
I can't even comprehend the idea of him flirting with me.
"What happened to him being a better guy?" I mutter, amused at how angry she now looks.
"I said better not perfect, he's far from fucking perfect," She tuts, beginning to walk again "He's still a dick with women, he doesn't respect them, he still sleeps around."
It doesn't surprise me. Nolan fucked around all of high school, he snuck girls into the house a lot.
Sometimes I'd even run into half-naked girls I'd never seen before in the bathroom.
His appearance seemed to captivate a lot of women, pull them into his weird addicting trance.
It never made sense to me, so he's conventionally attractive? So are a lot of guys.
Those hazel eyes flick through my head for a split second, the line of his jaw as he smirked at me in Riley's kitchen.
"I've tried to get him to start actually dating, but he won't," Riley continues, almost huffing in frustration, "I've told him mom and dad will see him as responsible if he gets himself a girlfriend but no, he refuses to."
I know how much Riley has tried to get her brother to be normal. She forgave him for his shit faster than she should've because of how badly she wanted things to be ok. I watch her face as she rambles, stress bleeding through expression before she turns to me.
"If he so much as tries anything with you, tell me Ava. I'll pull that stupid metal out his face myself."
I find myself giggling, flashing her an exaggerated look as if to say wow, really?Herface falls into a sheepish smile as she dramatically palms her head into her hands
"Ok, maybe that's too far," She admits, her voice weakening a little, "But promise me you wouldn't entertain him?"
I stare her in the eye, judging how serious she actually is.
Entertain him? I can't even fathom the idea of him so much as liking me, let alone me wanting to act on that back.
His messy hair and smirking lips never worked on me like they did everyone else.
I've never seen him in any way other than just Nolan, Riley's psycho brother.
"I know it's silly," She confesses, able to tell how ludicrous her question seems to me, "But my brother can be a dick and I wouldn't ever want you to get hurt because he lured you into his trap."
I can see vulnerability in her eyes, something deeper than just the words.
She's trying so hard to put the pieces of her falling family back together and worries that Nolan will shatter that with his self-destructiveness.
I'm her stability and he's the opposite, if in some weird, twisted reality Nolan did try something with me it'd be like him undoing all the progress they've made.
I smile, "Yes, I promise to never bone your psycho brother."
She grimaces, "Don't say bone."
I laugh at her disgust until she laughs too, our voices melting into each other.
I can feel her squeeze my arm tighter, like she's clinging on for comfort.
I wonder for a moment how her parents ever produced Riley, the kindest, funniest person I've ever known.
.. and then Nolan. I wouldn't be surprised if he was adopted.
"You don't mind if I be in his photos, though?" I ask, looking down to hide the fact I've finally conceded to his ask,"It's only a one time thing and he's offering good money for it."
She nods, smiling, "Yeah, sure, go ahead. I would like you two to be friends, actually."
This time I grimace, "Yeah, no, I doubt that's happening."
When I get home my mom has left pizza in the freezer, along with a little note stuck to the fridge. I find myself smiling at the familiar handwriting and the smiley face scrawled beside it. She always does that, small things to show she's trying her best.
She hates doing night shift work but she still does it, I've urged her to try and get another job but she insists she won't be able to find something better paid.
Even with my own pay check we still sometimes struggle to pay bills on time and I always try to keep her out of as much debt as I possibly can.
It's hard to afford this house with just two of us in it.
It makes me sad that she's been in a similar place for so long, that even in the two years I went to college then dropped out to help her financially, she still struggled to move anywhere with her career. It's like she's stuck in a rut, not enough money to do anything more than she's doing now.
But I know how hard she tries, how much she loves me, and I'm more grateful for her than she'll ever know.
When I bite down into a slice of cooked pizza I flick through the contacts on my phone, eyes scanning for a name I haven't looked at in years. I've never even texted him before, I just picked up his number at some point in case of an emergency. I've never needed to text him before.
I don't really want to speak to him. I don't want him to know I've given in to his stupid offer. It'll make it real, remind me how soon I'll be willingly posing in front of his camera.
My fingers hover over those keys before typing out three words.
Me: I'll do it
He probably doesn't have my number but I'm sure he'll understand.
I watch three dots appear for a second, then a grey text bubble replaces it.
Nolan: I knew you would Birdie
He follows that up a few moments later with an address and time to meet at. Thursday, 3pm, in the southern part of town. I don't go there much, it's a little fancier than the rest of Ivefield with new high rise developments and richer people moving out from the city.
I guess Nolan really is moving up in the world.
I reply, telling him I'm unfortunately free at that time. He's lucky Thursday is my day off.
After another short moment there's one more message.
Nolan:See you then
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