05 | Scars
?? ?????????? ??
I don't even have time to look at the photos of Ava after I take them. My Friday becomes absorbed with making sure I have everything organised for the Wedding over the weekend, that and editing a few other photos for a different deadline.
When I drive up to the city I'm made very aware my car is getting worse, weird noises I'm sure are not supposed to be there clinking every time I drive.
I love my car, the vintage leather, the way it feels to drive.
I used to be around people who knew shit about cars, it's how I ended up with a beauty like this in the first place.
I clearly didn't absorb any fucking mechanical skills though.
The thought of the engine giving up on me is the worst possibility, it could be a very expensive inconvenience I definitely don't have the money to cover.
Maybe I shouldn't have moved into such a fucking expensive apartment.
The wedding is like all the rest. I blend into the crowd, eyes focused solely on the screen of my camera and the subjects of the lens.
Sometimes people pose, other times I take more candid photos the bride and groom will gush at later.
It's safe, familiar. I can be a nobody because I'm supposed to fade into the background.
And, unlike reconciling with my family, I get paid for it, which definitely makes it a lot more bearable.
On Sunday evening I drive back, the sky already so dark in November and blending into the muffled noise of the radio. I tune out the hum of the roads, brain finally having a moment to rest away from the chaos of work.
But all I can seem to think about are those photos of Ava.
That memory of her long hair and small smile, the way her eyes nervously looked around the room until they didn't. Was that subtle glow that seemed to radiate across everything really there or did my photography-rotted brain convince me she looked better than she did. Probably.
I grip my hands on the steering wheel a little tighter, trying to focus on the road ahead.
Just as I pull into the street beside my apartment complex my phone rings. The screen flashes a name,Riley, and I reach down to answer.
"I need you to come pick me up from work," Her voice crackles through.
"What? Why?"I sigh, attention suddenly snapped to her.
"It's a long story but I don't have my car, please just do me a favour."
For a second I worry something might be wrong but the tone in her voice is just regular pleading, a tinge of exasperation as she hears how reluctant I already am to take her up on that offer.
I haven't let myself rest properly for two days straight, ripping myself away from home this close feels like a very painful chore.
"What sort of long story?" I contest, a little annoyed.
"A boring one," Her voice goes quieter, softening, "Just come and get me, please."
Something in me starts to concede to the idea, maybe the slither of sincerity in Riley's voice.
I'm supposed to be a better person, a better brother - how can I do that if I'm too lazy to even pick her up when she needs a favour?
There's a small ripple of guilt in my stomach that I need to quash before it gets any bigger.
"Fine, I'll be there soon."
Riley works at a marketing company, the offices not too far across town.
It suits her, whatever it is she actually does, I know the gist of it is being stubborn and persuasive which are her two main qualities.
It also pleases my parents, who see a long-term position in an existing firm as a sign of success.
The building is easy enough to find despite me only seeing it once a few days ago, it has a logo plastered on the front and only a few yellowy lights are still flickered on in the windows.
As my car comes to a stop I can see her standing there in a puffy jacket, seemingly mid-conversation with someone I don't recognise. She notices me quickly, hand thrown into a wave before parting ways with the stranger and peeling open the door, slotting herself beside me.
"Who is that?" I ask, peering over as curiosity bites at me.
I can't see much from where I'm sitting, but still, there's a slight air of familiarity. Long, dark hair falls to his shoulders, sleeves of tattoos dotted down both of his arms. His hands cover an orangey glow as he lights a cigarette, eyes quietly drifting over towards us.Do I know him?
It's like my brain is itching to place him somewhere in my memories.
"Who?" She looks over, frowning, before going back to slotting on her seatbelt, "Oh, that's just Luke, he works here."
"Right," My eyes are still on him but he's started moving away, head now down at his phone, "He a good guy?"
"Yeah, he's alright. He actually does maintenance but he's always around so we know him."
There's a very low chance I know who he is, especially if he's just a maintenance guy like Riley says he is.
But my mind is spinning, the small flash of his features making me think, hard.
Until now I'd doubted whether even dementia could erase the faces of my past, the ones ingrained in my subconscious, but this guy seems to have slipped through the cracks.
I'm sure it's nothing, a coincidence.
Riley pauses as she notices my silence, turning to glare at me and rolling her eyes.
"You don't have to go all protective mode on me, he just didn't want me to wait by myself, he was being nice."
"I'm sure he was," I mutter back, a little unconvinced.
The car starts moving again, pushing us away from the office building. I watch as Riley messes with the heater, attempting to turn up settings that stopped working a long time ago. I can't be bothered to tell her that.
"You gonna explain to me why you don't have your car?" I ask after a moment.
"I leant it to Ava, she took an extra shift yesterday but her mom works a full day at the care home on Saturday so they can't share their car like they usually do," She rambles, barely taking a breath, "She wassupposed to get it back to me by this morning but I ended up sleeping over at Kat's so Kat gave me a ride to work. ..so basically, my car is at home."
I only take in about half of her words.
"Right."
"I told you it was a long story," She sighs, slinking a little further down in her seat.
We drift into another bout of silence before she perks up again.
"I have an idea."
"Okay," I murmur back, worried and already unconvinced about whatever she's about to throw at me.
I've already heard too many of her ideas.
"You should throwing a housewarming party!"
The words crash into me at full force, and I blink towards her, face somehow falling into an even flatter line. No.
"What?"
Riley grins as if she can't see my deeply disturbed facial expression, "You know, invite everyone round to your new place and hang out, it'll be fun."
It won't be fun, at all. I'm not thirty five years old moving into a house in the suburbs with my newly wedded wife. I also don't want people in my new apartment, less so partying, drinking people. I can feel my jaw muscles clench a little, narrowing my eyes on the road.
"Everyone?" I shoot back, a breathy sarcastic quality to my voice.
"Ava, Alex, Cole, everybody you met the other day," Her voice is still filled with that cheery tone, "I'm sure they'd love to see your place."
I exhale heavily, hands firm on the wheel. I don't want to snap at her but the complete obliviousness is making this worse. How can she not see this is the worst possible thing she could suggest?
"I told you that I don't want to hang out with your friends, Riley," I mutter, teeth almost gritted.
I catch her smile drop, like she's done with forcing her unrealistic joy on the situation. She turns away, gaze drifting to the passenger seat window as her voice dwindles into something quieter.
"So why are you asking them to be in your photos like a creep?"
Wait, what?
That gets my attention, ears alert like I'd only really been half-listening before.Ava. She told her? I mean, I don't know she wouldn't, of course she fucking did. They've told each other everything forever. But there's also no reason why she shouldn't, nothing we did was secretive.
Suddenly my brain is wrapped up in Ava again, drifting through those photos I still haven't seen, her small smile, the way she scowled at me as I teased every word that left her mouth.
"You know that was for work," I say matter-of-factly.
"Don't try anything with her," She scowls as I now feel her gaze searing into the side of my head "I'm serious, Nolan, I don't want her wrapped up in your shit."
"What shit?"
My voice comes out in a partial splutter as I dig my teeth into my lower lip in frustration.
I don't do anything, I don't have shit to be wrapped up in.
I like my job but life is as boring and repetitive as it can be.
I take photos, get paid, eat and sleep. Occasionally I fight off the odd lingering memory. That's it.
Whatever she's suggesting about Ava seems to slip away, my mind suddenly almost angry that Riley's still suggesting I'm anything like I used to be.
"You know what I mean," She remarks, "You're better but you're still cold, Nolan. You can be a bit... heartless."
Heartless?
"You're right, I'm so heartless that I came and picked you up from work when I spent the entire weekend working," I mumble back spitefully, "That's extremely heartless of me."
"Don't be an idiot," She huffs, "I'm trying so hard to get you to like my friends and you refuse to make any effort, but suddenly Ava happens to be your perfect muse for your stupid photos? You see how that looks, right?"
The words roll over me, a bit of a blur in my ears.
I know I can hear them, what she's saying, but some part of me is blocking it.
I don't really get angry anymore, it was the first part of myself I buried.
I look at any scars I still have and that's enough to keep my brain clear and my fists clean.
I have to tune out the noise or it'll keep poking me back into the person I was.
"What it looks like is me doing my job, focusing on my own life. Do you think I'm some sort of creep who goes around preying on women until they sleep with me?"
"Kinda, yeah!" Riley spits back, voice a bit too loud.
Her voice crackles in the air, the climax of whatever half-formed argument we just had.
The silence that falls over us is loud, too loud.
I can hear the remains of what she thinks echoing back to me.
She thinks that I don't try, that I'm a fucking idiot, that my life revolves around sleeping with woman.
I'm good at being numb, especially when my parents act the way they do around me, but when Riley speaks like that it weirdly hits some part of me. It stings a little.
The noise in the silence subsides a little as I keep driving, roads so familiar now we're closer to home.
"I'm sorry, I don't actually think you're a creep," Riley mutters suddenly, gaze out the window as she rests her head on her palm, "I just... I still can't always trust you."
I think it hurts because it's true, because her distrust comes from a real place.
I can try and proveeverything to her but that doesn't magically erase the past. She'll still see the person that slammed doors in her face, lied to her, trashed her things.
I just hate to hear her say it, put me in a box like it's some unchangeable fact.
"It's okay," I say flatly, voice stiff. Nothing in my head seems to translate into my words, " And Ava is your friend. I don't even think about your friends. You have nothing to worry about."
Ava had floated away amidst everything else but now she's back, glued in my mind.
I get how it could look to Riley, maybe I do need to stop thinking about her so much.
Just because she's the focus of my camera doesn't mean she can be in my head like this, even if it's in a platonic way.
Maybe if she wasn't so fun to toy with she wouldn't be in my thoughts at all.
Riley doesn't say anything but catches my gaze for a moment, nodding gently. It's a passing moment but it resolves our issues for now, as much as they can be. I know I need to be better, hold onto the only functioning family relation I have.
As I pull into the driveway the garage light flicks on, yellow haze in the dark sky. It's small, something that happens everyday, but it's a vivid memory for me. How many times I stumbled past that light too late. I push myself back a little, stretching.
"I'm so sorry!" A familiar voice gushes, the door on Riley's side open suddenly, "I could've driven your car to you in the morning if I didn't sleep through my alarm."
Ava. I'd had my eyes closed for a moment and now here she was, helping Riley out the car. I flash my gaze over her large hoodie, her hair piled in a messy bun that I'm sure she threw together just to come outside.
"I told you it's fine," Riley reassures, tangling their arms together in that way girls do, "I shouldn't have gone Kat's so late knowing I was pass-out-on-the-couch tired."
The two girls then flick their eyes to me, as if they hadn't even noticed I was still here. Ava's gaze is fleeting and when I offer her a small smile hers flattens into a gentle scowl.
"Right, I'll see you Friday," Riley hums, phone in hand.
My brows furrow, "For what?"
"The housewarming party, it's all arranged," Her face spreads into a grin as she shakes her phone, laughing slightly.
My jaw clenches again, disbelief flashing through my face.
"You can't just do that, Riley, it's my apartment-" My complaint is immediately cut off by her slamming the car door in my face, followed by her and Ava trudging away to the porch.
Fuck.
?? ??