22 | A Gift
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The next two weeks pass by in a blur.
A long, confusing string of days that feel like they were pieced together by a toddler.
Work is the same. The same customers, regulars who make small talk and Mina breathing down my neck in that slightly intimidating way she does.
I sell stupid Christmas cookies and watch the faces of gingerbread men melt off in coffee.
It keeps snowing too, less aggressive, but I still watch every snowflake from the register, my mind drifting.
Home is passing my mom whenever our schedules allow it, having small conversations where we're both too tired to come up with anything interesting. There are some nice moments, though. I fall asleep on her bed by accident after showing her funny videos on my phone and wake up to her gentle embrace.
Even if she doesn't ask, even if I try my best to hide it, I think she still senses that something is off. She even tried to speak to me the other day, hesitated when asking if I was okay. I mumbled a response and left the house before she could pry anymore.
What would I even tell her? I almost kissed Riley's brother and now I feel like a terrible person... but I also can't stop thinking about him, about that moment.
It doesn't help that she brought him up too, one evening. Mentioned that he stopped by to deliver cookies from his mom. I came up with an excuse to leave before she could say anymore. I can't have people speaking about him more than they already do.
I see Riley less than usual and when I do she always has some news to feed back to me.
Nolan won't come Christmas shopping with me, how can I make sure he buys something good for my parents?
Or, Nolan still won't take his car to the shop because he's a stubborn asshole, can you believeit?
By the time I lay down in bed every night there are no thoughts left but him. Nolan. That day.
I've replayed it a million times.
His weight over me, the electricity of our touch, his stupidly beautiful eyes. My breath actually stopped for a moment, my words were reduced to nothing. His touch consumed me and I wanted to be drowning.
It's not just the memory of his lips, the urge to lean up and just let myself feel him - it's everything else too.
The days before, the way we existed like normal people.
Friends. It was fun, I liked being around him, liked him caring about me.
His presence felt right. It was so natural.
But when I get too close to wanting it to happen all over again I remember Riley. Her plea for me not to ruin the good thing she's built. I'm a stability in her life, he's the chaos. She doesn't trust him.
She's still hurting, even if she doesn't always show it. Nolan is an open wound, I mean, she fucking cried when Cole was in hospital because she blamed herself, thought the past was repeating itself. It would be betrayal and I can't do something like that to her.
I haven't seen him since. We haven't crossed paths naturally but I've made a conscious effort to avoid him too. I saw his car in the driveway once, a glaring reminder. I pulled the curtains closed, put on my headphones and drowned it out.
I've been running almost everyday which helps. It pauses my thoughts, even if just for a small while. The cold air against my cheeks, the thumping of the music, the sweat on my forehead, it distracts me. It helps me feel closer to the person I was before Nolan came home.
Christmas Eve hits me like a bullet, seemingly appearing out of nowhere. I wake up, see that 24th on my phone and wonder where any of the time went.
I should be happier, feeling festive. I get to walk downstairs and have a few days with my mom where she's not working. And that would be great if it was just my mom.
But we always spend Christmas at Riley's.
I've slept over at hers since we were kids, it's our silly tradition. Sleeping bags in front of the tree to 'catch Santa' at first, then as we got older just sharing Riley's bed. My mom joins us the next day and we do all the fun stuff together.
A few days ago I was told that Nolan is coming too.
Not sleeping over, thank god.
Riley tried to make him but apparently he's still weird about his old room. He's visiting today and tomorrow, back in my space. I wonder if this has been eating away at him too. Does he remember the touch, the heat, the closeness? Does he remember that night, when I fell asleep on his lap?
When I get to the door Riley is gleaming with joy, slotting a Christmas-themed headband on me with practically no warning.
The Christmas trees jiggle on my head as I walk inside.
Decor lines various places, fairy lights and candy-canes.
The tree is exploding with sparkling tinsel and colourful baubles.
"I invited the others earlier than usual, is that okay?" Riley hums, rounding the kitchen counter to grab a cookie.
I nod. Another one of our traditions, we invite our friends round to do gift-giving on the 24th so the 25th can be spent with family. Except this year the gathering is going to include Nolan.
"Is Cole going to get his annual beanie?"
I flash her a sarcastic smile, "No, I found something better."
"No way," Riley grins, "What?"
I push my finger to my lips in secrecy, grabbing my own Santa-hat-shaped cookie from the box in front of her. She narrows her eyes as I take a bite.
"It better be good...he does actually like the beanies."
He does. Cole is a simple man with a few things he sticks too, which surprisingly makes him hard to buy for. What do you buy for a guy who actively enjoys getting the same hat in different designs every year?
Before I can come up with a response Riley's mom, Sarah, enters the room, pausing to smile at me. She has faint creases under her eyes but warmth fades through. For a second I see a glimpse of her in that photo Nolan had beside his bed.
"Ava, it's been a while," She mutters offhandedly, "You and your mom are always busy, it seems."
"Yeah, life isa lot at the moment," I huff back politely. Understatement of the year.
"Well, it's always nice to see you..." Her eyes flick to Riley hesitantly, "You calm her down."
Riley reluctantly nods in agreement, mouth stuffed full of cookie.
"You two together always make this house a lot less...chaotic. I've always liked that," Sarah mutters, still smiling. She's always friendly, always has a light tone, but that heavy weight behind her eyes is obvious. It's like the past is hanging over her constantly.
"This house will be the quietest it's ever been soon," Riley announces, standing up straight and flashing a grin, "I'm moving out in a month!"
"What?" I blink, reading her enthusiastic expression.
"Nothing like Nolan's fancy ass apartment but it's still got potential. Closer to my work, affordable rent, near Kat's place... it's perfect!"
The words take a minute to sink in. She's moving. I'd known it would happen soon, she's been rambling about her savings for months. And I'm happy for her, of course I am. So why does it feel like I've been punched in the gut?
I force a smile, "That's amazing, I'm so happy for you."
She strides closer and squeezes my shoulders, voice loud enough that her mom rolls her eyes, "I can't wait to invite you over! We're gonna have so much fun."
"Do I get my own room?" I mutter as she shakes me over-excitedly.
"You have to share mine, unfortunately," She grins, matching my jokey tone.
And then she's back over to the cookie pot, practically bouncing off the walls. It makes me feel even shittier about the moving thing. Me being stuck at home, falling into a rut, has nothing to do with her success. I'm the one trapped in limbo, it's selfish to involve her in that.
But it's going to be strange. Years of walking next door and seeing that face, having her so close all the time. It's going to be gone and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
My heart flutters, a weird mix of fleeting feelings, but I try my best to ignore it. This isn't about me. I already know later today is going to test my self control, I have to keep it in check now.
I can deal with Riley...her brother is a different situation.
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The room buzzes with warmth, filled with a mix of sounds. The low hum of Christmas music from a speaker, conversation spread out across the living room, the rustling of presents. If everyone is quiet enough you can hear Riley's parents in the other room, talking at a low volume.
Everything is tinged with that festive glow that almost makes you feel like a kid again. It's such a nice, familiar feeling that I've melted into the setting, brain only focused on Kat's words.
"Can we just start?" She complains, melting further down into the couch.
"No," Riley insists, "He's coming, he said he would."
"He doesn't even have any presents," Cole grumbles, quiet enough that only I hear it.
I'm sat in an armchair, Cole spread out on the rug beside my feet. Kat, Riley and Alex are slouched across the couch in various lazy positions. My fingers clutch around a glass of wine, condensation growing thanks to the burning fireplace beside me.
"I'm serious," Riley continues, but there's a lapse of hesitation, "It's important to me, he wouldn't just do that-"
She's interrupted by the doorbell which causes every head in the room to swivel that direction. Riley gleams, shooting off the couch and bounding over to let the visitor in. I watch the back of her head, that brown, messy hair.
It only reminds me of the person I'm about to see in a few seconds.
It's selfish, but I partly hoped he wouldn't show at all.
My hand squeezes tighter around the glass, brain thrown from its fake sense of security. My body sparks with the sensations of that moment, replays his face looking down at me. I shuffle in position, swallowing a lump in my throat.
Jesus. I need to get a fucking grip.
When I look up again I catch Alex's eye. He gazes for a moment, a small expression that seems to ask are you ok?
I flash a reassuring smile, a small curl of the lips that hopefully warns him off the impending implosion in my head. The second he turns away I take another greedy swig of liquid. Wine makes me tipsy, and fuck do I need to be tipsy right now. I can feel my body floating away already.
"I told you he'd come," Riley announces as she reappears, skipping back towards her spot and immediately reaching for her pile of presents.
Following her is Nolan.
"Hey," He says, stopping for a moment to assess the room.
He doesn't look at me.
Is he avoiding eye contact?
I move my eyes away, towards the wall, then a moment later back to him.
He's settled on the rug directly opposite me.
But he's still not acknowledging me. His eyes are focused on the pile of presents Riley has dumped into the middle of the floor, rambling something about a careful order to opening them all. The rest of the world has melted away, my heart starting to race.
Was the fire always this hot?
"Can I go first?" Cole asks eagerly, sitting up straight instead of slouching against the bottom of the armchair.
Riley pauses, frowning. I can tell she wants to say no. She usually sorts it by one present at a time in alphabetical order, that way we go through five rounds of presents among all of us. Yes, the alphabetical order is a bit overkill but that's Riley for you.
Her gaze catches her wine glass and something in her eyes flickers. Cole hasn't drunk since the hospital, not in front of us anyway,definitelynot how he was before. A few weeks ago he'd be passed out by now - right now he's as sober as he can be.
I can tell that's what softens her judgement.
"Fine," Her hand dips into the pile and picks one out, "Start with this one, it's from me."
It's not until it's my turn, after both Cole and Alex have opened a present, that I feel eyes on me. Not just any eyes, the unmistakable gaze of the man in front of me, lingering.
Suddenly pulling off wrapping paper feels much more intimate. I know what I'll be faced with if I look up. Not just physically but mentally, the thoughts will come rushing back and I won't be able to stop them.
I almost fumble my words when I speak, "Earrings? Oh my god, Riley, thank you."
They're beautiful, of course they are, a cluster of different gold hearts. Riley knows me inside and out. I immediately smile at her, thanking her again and she blows me a kiss back.
But I made the mistake of looking up.
When the room turns to Kat, I stay still.
Nolan does too.
His brown hair seems more unkempt than usual, closer to how it was when he was younger.
His jaw is clenched, faced pulled into a strong expression.
His lips are flat, but not blank, his face is burning with something.
Desire, knowing, need. It doesn't matter that I can't figure it out, all I know is it's aimed at me.
His eyes search my face, pour into me with so much power.
I feel naked, like he can see right through me.
My vision darts lower for a second, to his shoulders, his flexed arms that press into the ground beside him.
I see every version of him. Shirtless, on top of me, holding my trembling hands.
My stomach tightens, oxygen sucked from the room in seconds. My two weeks of control feel shattered. One look and he's fucking broken me.
"I know you didn't want to get anything for anyone," Riley says, my brain flickering back to life. Nolan twists away, frowning at the way she framed that, "But I got you something."
He takes the gift cautiously, strong fingers clasping the paper. It's funny how easily I'm distracted by his stupid arms, the details of his grip.
While watching him tear it open I'm actively readjusting myself in my chair, flushed heat crawling up my neck. The fireplace beside me might as well be a bonfire.
Eventually the present is revealed as some sort of fancy camera film. Nolan pauses, just looking at the object in his hands for a moment. When he blinks towards her there's an obvious look of surprise, gratitude even. He clears his throat before speaking.
"Thank you," He shakes his head slightly, "This is... thank you."
Riley tries to flash a nonchalant smile to match Nolan's usual inability to show much emotion but smugness practically oozes out of her. She's proud of herself for coming up with a gift that clearly means something to him.
"I did get something for you, too..." He pauses, addressing the rest of the eyes on him, "Sorry everyone else."
Kat snorts, throwing me an amused look.
Cole smiles too, "Don't worry, we weren't expecting anything."
Alex gives a nod in solidarity to confirm that.
When he reaches behind him to get it Riley is so happy she doesn't even seem to care that someone else is breaking her alphabetical regime. Her eyes are wide, shiny with expectation. Their relationship has been getting better, I've noticed.
She complains about him less (still a lot, but less), will try and invite him to more things, brings up any good deeds he does. Her shoulders are less stiff when she talks about him. And this, him actually buying her something, feels like another level of trust-building.
But it only makes my guilt ache more. She wouldn't be smiling at all if she knew how close we got, the things I've thought, the things he's probably thought.
I keep trying to remind myself that nothing actually happened. I shouldn't have anything to feel guilty for. But none of the feelings have gone away, in fact, they seem to have got stronger in the weeks we've been apart.
I seem to have got lost in my thoughts again because when I next glance at Riley she's gushing over an expensive perfume. I have no doubt she specifically told him that's the one she wanted but the fact he bought it is what's important.
The rest of the evening moves on at an excruciatingly slow pace.
Every movement is framed by the thought of catching eyes with Nolan again.
It does happen a few times, he glances at me like he'll never get a chance to ever again.
But then it breaks, both of us having to seem somewhat present in the festivities.
When everyone's a lot tipsier, giggling over stupid things as Riley lazily attempts to clean up the wrapping paper I manage to excuse myself. I mutter something about the bathroom but no one is really listening anyway.
Then I'm away from it all, standing on the second-floor hallway outside Riley's room. The suffocation wears off and I can breathe again. Noise hums from downstairs, muffled against the shadows dancing in the darkness.
The alcohol isn't helping. It's clouding my head, making everything process a lot slower. It means that even when I'm not actively avoiding Nolan's intense gaze I'm still thinking about him. He's got me trapped, pinned down by some weird force that shouldn't be there at all.
"Fuck this," I murmur to myself, leaning back against the wall.
Just as I take a breath my body freezes, head snapping towards a creak on the staircase.
It feels like a cruel prank at this point, Nolan standing at the other end of the hallway, appearing when he knows he's not supposed to.
It's so overwhelming that I don't even retreat into my flustered quietness. Words directed at him escape before I can stop them.
"Don't."
He's still, saying nothing for a moment. I don't miss his gaze scan my entire body, jaw stiffening like some sort of restraint.
"Ava... listen-" He starts, voice controlled.
"I'm serious," I breathe, interrupting so I can't let emotions cloud my judgement, "You can't come any closer."
I need to think of Riley. This is about her.
"I'm not going to do anything," He hums, tilting his head. My eyes watch the hand that snakes up and pushes its way through his hair, "I promise."
I know that... I think. We're not insane, nothing would just happen. As stupid as it is to admit, the reason I want him away from me is because I'm the issue. I don't know how to handle this so all my thoughts just melt into wanting him.
If we get too close I can't be sure what happened on his couch won't happen again.
And that's the scariest fucking thing right now.
"I know you're not... it's just..." My words trail off. I shake my head, blinking eye contact away at the wall in front of me, "What do you want?"
There's another beat of pulsing silence before I realise he's holding something up. It's small, a gift wrapped in lavender paper. I hover over it for too long, finally looking at him, worried that he's going to answer my next question. He does.
"I got you something."
The world tilts even more, a spike of something shooting through my body. I hate that it's a good feeling, littered with warmth. He thought to get me something?
When I don't reply he speaks again, "I know you probably don't want it but it's small and I bought it...for you."
He edges closer, feet moving across the hallway. I don't tell him to stop this time, brain ticking as he closes the gap.
"It's not going to kill you to take a present from me."
It might.
I shake my head again, "I can't take that." The voice is so small it doesn't feel like mine at all.
Nolan keeps walking forward at that slow pace, lowering his voice.
"I've known you my entire life, a Christmas present isn't a big deal. Take it... as a friend." He grits the word out like it's physically paining him.
We both know it's stupid. Friends don't give presents in secrecy. Friends don't look at me like Nolan's looking at me right now. But I have to digest the fact that that's all we can be.
Now he's close enough to hold out the gift towards me, a small gesture in his arm that says take it. My eyes trail up his chest, up his neck, head tilted upwards to see his face in full. That lip ring catches a thread of light from downstairs and shines for a moment.
I've seen him like this before, in this exact hallway.
Burning eyes, messy hair, a slight smirk that knows it's got you trapped.
It used to be intense, almost-scary, I never knew what to make of it.
But now, all these years later, I'm exactly where I want to be.
This version of him has warped into someone I want to be around, that fire now brimming with tension.
I take what he's offering without even thinking.
I can accept it - as a friend.
"This doesn't mean anything," I say, clearing my throat a little.
"Who said it does?" He breathes back.
We're still dancing around the issue, neither of us mentioning what happened before. It feels like we're being good, acting as if it's not there. But it wasn't some dream and the more I push it away the harder it boomerangs back.
I break his gaze to carefully unveil the gift, a gentle heat stirring in my hands. My breath softens when I realise what it is.
A leather bookmark. It's purple, a little darker than the lilac shade of the paper, threaded with glowy golden stitches around the edges.
A trail of butterflies fall down on each side, also outlined in that same gold.
My fingers smooth over it, the hand-carved material. It's beautiful.
I've always liked butterflies, since I was a kid, but never outwardly enough that it was noticeable. How did Nolan figure that out?
"You like it?"
I love it. It's gorgeous, feels personal somehow. It doesn't matter that it's small, something about it makes my heart stir. I can't stop a smile from blooming across my face.
I nod, "It's pretty, thank you."
I feel like I'm biting back words. I want to hug him, thank him properly, but he's not just one of my other friends. He's not supposed to be able to buy something that makes me feel seen. When I look at him he's smiling properly too, jaw softened now.
"Good," He murmurs, "It reminded me of you."
Any resistance I had before has drifted away completely. The alcohol and him so close has combined into just caring about this present moment. He bought me a beautiful gift, despite everything. My stomach has practically thrown itself off a cliff.
The smell of alcohol swirls between us, that and the crackling of unspoken tension. His eyes are doing that thing where they linger on my lips for too long.
Mine match his, tracing the curve of his smile with my pupils.
When did we get this close?
All of a sudden a noise sounds at the bottom of the stairs.
"Ava?" Comes Riley's unmistakable voice,"You still up there?"
We both freeze. My chest tightens as I momentarily panic, blinking until words fill my throat.
"Oh, yeah...I- I'm up here."
Shit. That sounded stupid.
A smile twitches at Nolan's mouth. He finds this all very amusing. It just makes my cheeks bloom some shade between pink and red.
"Can you grab my phone from my room?" Riley calls, "It's somewhere on the desk charging."
I make sure my voice doesn't sound so guilty this time.
"Sure... I'll be down in a minute."
She calls back thanks before her footsteps patter away into the distance. The air swirls with that same warm hum as it did before, heat suctioned around me.
When I look at Nolan he's still smirking in that irritating way.
"What?" I snap quietly.
He chuckles, "Nothing."
I hesitate, swallowing any response I could possibly have. My brain is scrambled again, caught up in whatever is happening between us.
Nolan takes this chance to move away again, throwing a smile before returning to the stairs. The loss of his presence beside me physically aches, makes me want that breath beside my nose, that voice low and whispered just for me.
He does stop, though, before leaving, glancing over at me.
"You look pretty, by the way. You always do."
My breath hitches but before I can protest he turns, fading away back down the stairs. The words, the slight reverb, goes straight between my legs. It's been threatening too this whole time but that comment pretty much breaks me.
I can feel myself humming with need, overcome with this desire that's impossible to kill.
I try to ignore it as I stroll into Riley's room, eyes scanning the familiar setting. Amongst a lot of random trinkets and organised mess is Riley's phone, still plugged into the charger. I go to grab it but stop, fingers stilling over the screen.
I get an idea.
It's bad. Really, really bad.
I'm not sure if it's the alcohol hijacking my system, the high from being that close to Nolan or the swirling pool between my thighs - but I find myself leaning towards it before I can stop myself.
My hands snake to the back of my jean pockets, grabbing my own phone and opening up the camera app. It flashes from black to me, the low light of Riley's room giving me that muted glow.
My hair seems a little darker, falling in front of my face and framing the small circle of eyeliner around my eyes. The reddish remnants of my lipgloss which has faded over the evening matches the faint pink blush on my cheeks. Highlighter sparkles on my skin.
I just watch myself for a moment, debating whether to even take a photo.
It seems stupid.
I feel bad about Nolan's gift, the fact I was freaking out too much to get him anything. He went out of his way to find something and I was avoiding him entirely.
And yes, maybe a slightly suggestive photo isn't an equal present, or something I should be sending at all, but I don't seem to care right now. It can't hurt to try it out.
After another moment of deliberation I shift over to Riley's bed, lying over it for a moment. My back hits the white sheets, hair splayed out around my face and over my top. With my phone angled high I can take a better photo.
My eyes sparkle a muted blue as I frame myself the best I can.
Hair filling up the edges, top pulled down slightly so more cleavage than normal is spilling out.
You can see parts of my deep-red bra too, the straps peeking out and lace poking out around the boobs. It's definitely...intentional.
Then, if it wasn't bad enough, I bring a finger up to my lips, biting it between my teeth almost seductively. It's framed by a lazy smile.
I actually feel good, for once. Without my sober brain working me into a self-deprecating spiral, convincing me I'm alienated from the way I look, this doesn't feel so insane. I like this, feeling sexy, knowing someone will appreciate this, appreciateme.
I click that button a few times before scrolling through, finding one where everything aligns perfectly. My smile, hair, lips, everything.
In the message bar under Nolan's name I type a quick caption.
My present to you. Merry Christmas.
But there's another surge of conscience.
I feel sick for a moment. What if this is all stupid?
Why would Nolan even want to see this? I'm not the girl that does this, who breaks rules to make herself feel good.
I tried it for a while, in college and it didn't go well. I ended up the same, boring person.
I press my thighs together, instinctively, without thinking. It ignites my fire for him, allows me to imagine him on top of me right now. That hunger in his eyes wasn't one sided, the tension that just burned between us now was practically hypnotising.
In a few hours I'm sure I'll regret this but now, when for the first time in a long time, I like the way I look, I'm going to do it. If I want to feel sexy, make Nolan squirm in his pants, then I have every fucking right too.
Fuck it.
I press send.
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