51 | Apologies #2
But I still appreciate him giving me distance, because there's doubt there. We can't just exist in the same way we did before, it's not possible. Whether my body still reacts to him like he's the only person on earth doesn't fix everything else.
"I thought I was protecting you, by not telling you anything. I realise now that was fucking stupid, all it did was make you a target," He continues somehow moving a bit closer, "I'm so sorry, for dragging you into this, for making you experience those assholes...I could've fucking killed them..."
"But you didn't..." I murmur back.
My sudden words make his expression dampen, "It shouldn't have got to a point where there was even a gun in my hand. I wish I'd just dealt with this shit back then, made it easier. This was never anything to do with you."
"I know, you didn't mean it," I mutter back, "You didn't know."
"I just wish I'd done it all differently, been less selfish, called out Xavier on his bullshit years ago..."
I shake my head, "You made mistakes, but I don't blame you. You're not perfect, Nolan, but I've always known that. They took advantage of you when you were a teenager, tried to make you into someone like them... but you changed."
He shrugs, "I still led you to them...I think I'm more like them than you think."
I can barely register the words, the truth in his eyes as he scans my expression. Before I can think rationally my hand meets his cheek, cupping it in the same way he did mine a few minutes ago. Our eye contact burns like fire on my skin.
"Don't say that. You're nothing like them." He'd never treat anyone like they treated me, treated Maria. I refuse to let them get in his head. "You're a good person, Nolan."
Just as I feel a sour prick at the back of my eyes I notice his almost glistening too. I don't know when we got so emotional, how any of this has led up to this moment.
"I don't deserve you," He hums back, "I don't deserve any of this."
I pull his face a little closer to mine with my hand, studying his teary eyes and dark lashes. Even like this, more vulnerable than I've ever seen him, he looks handsome, exposed in a way that matches his messy hair and distant gaze.
"I ruined it before Xavier, with Riley," He says, "I should've told her properly, should've looked after you when she found out."
I'm still silent, still watching as he apologises.
"But I promise you, more than I've promised anything, that I didn't film us on purpose. I was filming but only as I was taking photos, I got distracted by the phone and you -I forgot all about it."
The moments spike back in my brain. Half a memory of me riding him, the burning heat, the passion that seems so far away right now. The other half that vicious video, the one that split this all open.
But I really do believe him.
As mad as I was, I still trust him enough to know he wouldn't do that.
"You really promise?" I repeat, watching him swallow his regret.
"I promise."
I nod, brushing away one salty tear that's escaped down his cheek. Mine are slipping free too, hitting the corner of my mouth as I watch him stare at me.
"I believe you."
I know he's sorry, that all the mistakes he made were never intentional.
They were miscalculated decisions, a fucked up man struggling to right his wrongs.
But his heart was in the right place, and I can tell it's as close to goodas it's ever been right now.
My finger gets wet as another tear builds against his skin.
We're too close. I can run my eyes over every fleck of his skin, just like I've done so many times before.
Our eyes won't break, not for a second and I'm worried what staying like this will do.
This strange mix of tension and hurt crackles in the air, emotion fuelled desire trying to paint a picture that makes sense.
It's making me want to kiss him even when I shouldn't.
"I... I know you won't want this, not after everything. But the thought of not having you in my life is fucking breaking me," His voice cracks as he speaks. "I know I deserve to lose you, and that you deserve to make that decision... but knowing you will is the hardest fucking thing I've ever felt."
This is hurting me too. He drops his forehead to mine slowly, pressing us closer together. For a second I lose sight of what anything means, the truth leaving my lips before I can stop it.
"I don't want to lose you..."
"Ava, you don't need to pretend," He hums back.
"No," I insist quietly, "I don't want to break up, really..."
Our heads stay touching, volatile emotions swirling in the air and consuming us whole.
Nolan frowns, a little confused but there's a thread of hope.
I meant what I said, about not letting go of this, of us.
It might be irresponsible or stupid but maybe that's a part of love, a part of choosing the things you actually want.
"I just can't..." I continue in a whisper, "Not right now... not after everything."
Nolan nods, understanding and patient, like he's inside my head, figuring out what I need before I do. I never understand how he does that.
"That's okay, fuck, I'll wait, Ava," His voice floods with promise, "However long you need, I'll wait. You're all that matters."
"I want to fix things with Riley, with my mom, I want things to go back to normal. When that happens...I might be able to try again," I explain, sorting through all my chaotic thoughts. "...because I need you too, Nolan. I don't know how this happened but I do."
He smiles, "I'll be here, whenever you need me. And if that's never, I can live with that too."
"It won't be," I assure him. I know that. I can tell I'll be attracted back to him like a magnet. What we have is too strong, too dangerous. It's the reason we ended up together in the first place. It'd be naive and frankly stupid to assume our explosive connection won't claw its way through again.
A heavy silence takes over us again. I'm conscious of where we are for a minute, what's happening.
We're sat on the floor of a porch with tear-stained cheeks and heads pressed together, pouring out words neither of us have ever fully found the words to say.
My heart is thumping rhythmically in my chest, cheeks blooming with vulnerability.
I'd never thought I'd be here with Nolan Winters, but in this moment I know one thing:Somehow, it's always been him.
"Ava..." He says, even more hushed than anything else, "I meant what I said, at the funfair..."
I know what he means just by the look on his face and the words echo in the back of my mind.
I love you.
Before he speaks again I stop him.
"Don't."
Nolan pauses, trying to get a read on me. I hope he doesn't think I don't feel that same overwhelming feeling. It consumes me anytime we're together.
"Not yet," I clarify, "I feel the same but...I can't hear it when we're like this."
"You want to wait," He mutters, putting the pieces together.
I nod, a fresh tear slicking my cheek. I want to hear him say it, I want to say it back, but when I'm already struggling I don't think it will help. I can't deal with this until I fix the other parts of my life. It's too big, too important.
"Okay..." He lowers his voice, a smirk cutting into his parted lips, "When this is over and I have you back in my arms I'm going to show you just how much I mean those three words, pretty girl."
Pretty girl.
I can't remember the last time I heard that.
It's so unexpected, stupidly charming and corny at the same time that I slip into a laugh. I haven't laughed properly since that day and it's a half sob with all the emotion still bubbling in my chest. I pull away to wipe a rouge tear.
"So pretty when you smile," Nolan murmurs again, "God, I missed you so much."
"And now you have to miss me all over again."
Just as he goes to say something back we're both distracted by a noise. A car, pulling into the driveway. I squint, trying to recognise it behind the glare of the headlights, it only takes a minute before I realise it's Riley's - she's here?
"Shit," I murmur, shooting up too quickly and rapidly trying to hide the evidence of my crying. Nolan does the same, helping me when I stumble a bit. He can pull off the aftermath of tears so well, almost like his eyes look naturally sad.
"You should go," I ramble, gesturing for him to go back inside. What's he doing here anyway?
"No, we should talk to her."
I shake my head, "Not now, it will just make things worse."
"I don't want to abandon you again, not after how I treated you when she found out-"
"Nolan," I interrupt, grabbing his arm firmly and giving him the most reassuring look I can muster, "Please, I promise speaking to her like this won't end well... just let me handle it."
He doesn't want to let me go, it's obvious. It's like he's fighting between his heart and head, not wanting to throw me to the wolves but also wanting to give me space to solve things on my own. When I smile, soft in that way he likes, he makes a low tsk noise.
"Fine, but don't let her take out all her anger on you," He grumbles, "She doesn't know when to stop sometimes."
"I'll be fine. Promise."
I want to say something more, ask another question, thank him for apologising, for understanding these boundaries I barely even understand myself.
Instead we get another small moment of eye contact, a lingering stare that pierces a hole through my heart.
Then he's gone, back inside and leaving me alone.
"Ava?" Riley's voice calls.
She's travelling up towards me, simultaneously confused and concerned but her eyes lock onto Nolan's car parked beside her own and I watch the thought as it forms on her face.
"My brother?" It's more of a statement than a question, a huff of breath dampened with the reality we still haven't discussed yet.
I don't know what to do so I just nod.
"We- we hadn't talked yet...he just..."
Why is this so fucking hard to talk about?
I don't know how she's going to react, whether she'll yell again, tell me we can never be friends.
And I still wouldn't blame her, not after I betrayed her trust like that.