Chapter 71
If nothing else in his long, strange year had convinced Darcy to give up drinking, the sight of Mr. Collins after five glasses of punch would have done the trick.
The evening they spent together was intolerable.
Every minute was such a viscous mixture of fawning, sulking, sneering, flattery and downright nastiness that Darcy was sure that the man could sink no lower.
Yet, he did! Every sip sent Collins closer to the rancid depths, like the bottom-feeding pond scum he was.
Darcy’s normal response to such an abhorrent companion would have been a fervent thought: I need a drink!
Tonight, finally, that voice was silenced.
Darcy’s flirtation with liquor turned into an outright divorce.
He could not pretend that the maggot writhing before him was not the same one that squirmed within his own belly.
It was important that Collins drank, so that he was insensible to Jane and Bingley’s escape later that night.
He was in a celebratory mood, but still somewhat guarded, and insisted on walking with Jane for the first part of the evening to ‘confirm their arrangement’.
They had been expecting this, and Jane had agreed.
The most difficult task of the evening fell to her: to convince Mr. Collins that he was victorious, without actually tying herself to him.
Serving as both brother and chaperone, Darcy walked ten paces behind the mismatched couple as they wandered around the gardens. They never went too far from the torchlit patio but did not remain so close that they would be distracted by music and laughter.
The sun had not fully set. Jane’s soft yellow gown looked blood red in the fading light.
Her skin was pale and her voice was over-soft, but there was a glow to her that had nothing to do with the sun.
She spoke serenely when Collins expected her to, but for the most part remained mute.
Since the man was over-fond of his own opinions, he filled their silence ten times over.
Jane was not asked for her opinions on a single matter. Instead, she was informed at length about what her life was going to be like as Mrs. Collins.
Darcy was sure that the punch had loosened the rector’s sanity, not just his tongue, for he spoke so egregiously that Darcy was shocked. Knowing that Jane was in no real danger, and would never have to obey a single one of Collins’s orders, Darcy stayed silent and listened in horrified fascination.
The orders were as follows:
First, that Jane must return to Meryton at once.
She must demonstrate that she was still capable of the filial, obedient behaviour which he expected.
The influence of certain undesirable persons would be overcome, or else those persons would be forbidden from visiting or writing to the blushing bride.
Mr. Collins grew very animated at this, clearly forgetting that Darcy was just a few steps away as he slandered his wife. He waved his arms around and, in a drunken slur, announced every sentence as if he was standing at the pulpit.
In his soused mind he probably was evangelising; extolling virtue and rejecting evil were bread and butter to a man whose income depended on monetising morality. Doubtless it was easier to subjugate a trapped young woman when he disguised his selfish demands in piety.
The orders continued in a more factual tone, after a dizzy spell had rendered Mr. Collins mute (and heaving over a lavender bush) for some time.
Jane was not just going to be the wife of a man; how blessed she was to be forever tied to a man of God! Henceforth, her life would be one of divine service. She was to ensure that her husband was always immaculate in his mission to spread the good word.
He was to be flawless in appearance and temper at all times.
He was never to wear a frayed shirt, have a bad haircut or eat an unpalatable meal that might give him indigestion.
Consider the consequences of frowning at the wrong moment, unable to explain to a goodly widow that it was a piece of chewy ham and not her sorry plight that made him so uncordial!
As to his temper, he instructed, his wife was to do everything in her power to be amenable and obliging to his every need. If he left the house in poor spirits then she would be at fault, not he, and she would be the one who had to suffer the consequences.
Darcy almost stepped in at that point. Even though she was an hour away from never having to see Mr. Collins again, Jane had started to tremble. Every single thing he said, in his flat voice, made her flinch. Every flinch made him smirk.
Collins patted her hand, which rested limply in his elbow.
“You may think me harsh, Miss Bennet. Do you not think it best that we be honest with each other? Your recent conduct has forced me to it, madam. It is clear that certain rules must be enforced, if we are to find any felicity in our marriage at all. Once you have proven yourself to be trustworthy, I shall not need to be so strict.”
“I thank you, sir, for your honesty.” Jane’s murmur was almost entirely lifeless. Her eyes were dull and broken, staring in horror at a life which she had only narrowly escaped, “If I may, sir…?”
He smiled indulgently at her, which made him stumble against the gravel path.
He clearly needed to watch his feet, if they were to continue walking in a straight line.
Jane caught her balance when his stumble wrenched her sideways.
Collins did not check upon her health or even consider that she might be injured. Jane shook her head and spoke again.
“Mr. Collins, if I am to embrace my life with you then you must assure me that you will also do your part. That you will be as gentle and generous a son to my mother as you are a husband to me.”
Collins looked offended, “Do you think otherwise, madam? Your mother will be cared for as fits her station, of course. It would be scandalous for any man to neglect a widow in need - and in my position, madam… my parishioners expect…”
“Yes, sir. I understand. Your profession depends upon your goodness, and so some shall be assigned.” Jane was almost whispering now.
Collins was not sensible enough to unpick her scathing words and heard only the first few.
They seemed to flatter him, and he gave her a small smile.
He scowled, though, when she continued: “What of my sisters?”
Collins scoffed, then stumbled again. This time Jane managed to pull her arm free. She waited for him to stand, not bothering to offer any assistance, and then gestured to a paved path to their left.
“This is the shortest route back to the house, sir. I fear that we have walked too far tonight. Let us go back to the others and tell them that everything is settled.”
“It is?” he burbled, still rubbing his forehead giddily. Jane looked at him, and her face was as severe as the icy moon.
“Yes, sir. I do not think we have anything left to talk about.”