Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
ZANDER
I should have known. I should have fucking known Kerian wouldn’t have feelings for me like I do for him. I should have known that he was only using me for sex and good orgasms. Maybe company from time to time. But he wasn’t really my boyfriend. I should have known that.
But I wanted it too much to look at the signs.
My hand closes around my phone in anger. If I had the money to replace it, I’d throw it out of frustration. Instead, I do something far more dumb. I send off a barrage of messages to him, voicing my anger. If he wasn’t in this with me, he should have fucking said something. He’s never had an issue telling me how he felt before. What was different this time? Thought he wouldn’t have access to fuck my ass? Hell, I’m so gone over Kerian, I would have taken his scraps just to be close to him.
My fingers fly across the keyboard, sending message after message of my outrage.
Me: ur an asshole
Me: u could have fucking told me I was wastin my time
Me: Why even ask if I wanted to eat if u were gonna cancel
After ten minutes of radio silence, I scoff and send off one more text.
Me: We never agreed to what this was but u could have told me u just wanted sex. i can handle that. No need to answer back i’m done
I toss my phone on my nightstand and go to my wardrobe for clothes so I can get ready for this party tonight. I had hoped Kerian would come with me so I wouldn’t die of boredom or be designated DD, but fuck it. Instead of being a wallflower, I’ll get shitfaced and chat up a hot girl or guy. Hell, I might get lucky tonight.
My stomach sours at the thought of being with anyone but Kerian. Even if he doesn’t feel anything remotely close to what I feel for him, I couldn’t just fuck someone else. I’m pissed off, but I’m not an asshole.
Vibrations from my nightstand have me dropping my clothes, rushing over to grab my phone before it shakes off the desk. My heart races, hoping to see Kerian’s name on my screen.
A lead weight lands in my belly when I see Russ’s name instead. Sighing, I thumb over the lock pattern and open my phone. Even though I’m pissed, his message makes me smile.
Russ: If I get too fucked up, take my phone. Tanya is mad at me. I will not be drunk dialing that girl tonight to get some pussy.
Rolling my eyes, I shoot him back a text.
Me: I gotchu
I toss my phone onto my bed and take a shower. The party isn’t for another two hours, but Russ and the other guys want to pregame at one of the frat houses some of the players pledged to. The party is on fraternity row, so after we pregame and chill for a bit, we can walk down to the Theta house to join the party.
The shit with Kerian is heavy on my mind as I shower, the water cascading down my back as I lean my head forward. It’s like the people I involve myself with keep making a fool out of me. First Megan, now Kerian. I can’t catch a fucking break.
I wash myself roughly, irritated that I can’t keep my mind off a man who told me he only cared about getting his dick sucked. Like I’m nothing but a hole for him. All those days he came over to lie down with me, to cuddle with me, doing that weird thing where he sniffed my hair before he went to sleep. There’s no way he thought I was just someone he could fuck, who would make him come.
Or maybe he’s a good actor.
Blowing out a frustrated breath, I climb out of the shower and get dressed, heading to Russ’s room to wait for him. We shoot the shit for a while, delaying being around people for as long as possible. When Oakley texts and asks where we are, we head to my car so we can get this shitshow going.
When we walk into the frat house, we’re welcomed like we’re a part of their brotherhood or some shit. Honestly, after the shit with Kerian, it’s nice to be wanted, even if it’s just at a party.
Shots are poured and taken, beer pressed into my hand, even when I know I should cut myself off. My head gets more and more fuzzy, my inhibitions dropping.
By the time we walk down to Theta house, we’re all pretty tipsy, having a good time. As he asked, I take Russ’s phone from him as soon as we step inside and he pulls me to the beer pong table.
“Alright, assholes,” Russ says, swaying a little. “Me and my mans here are gonna beat all your asses.” He pats my chest and I wave like a weirdo. “Who’s up first?”
“Us,” says a sweet voice that I only vaguely recognize. One of the cheerleaders for our team steps up. She’s cute, tall—probably close to six feet—with brown hair tied in a bun on top of her head. Becca, I think her name is. “We haven’t lost a game yet.” She points to her teammate, an equally pretty, short Black girl with wide luminous eyes and her hair up in a coily ponytail. Mia, if memory serves.
Russ winks at them, but not suggestively; as if he’s letting them in on a secret. “Get ready for your first loss.”
“We’ll see,” Mia says with a wide grin.
We line up on our side and get the cups ready. People crowd around the table, betting on who will win. But come on, I’m a quarterback. No matter if I’m tipsy or not, I can throw a ball into some cups, no problem.
Becca and Mia land two shots in our cups back to back, giving them control of the balls again while Russ and I drink. But their next tosses miss, and it’s our turn. From there, Russ and I both make quick work of their cups, making shot after shot before they know what hit them. Both girls grumble good-naturedly every time we sink a cup, but don’t complain about getting their asses beat.
By the time we only have one cup left, Becca and Mia have resigned themselves to losing. When I toss the ball and it spins around the lid of the last cup, Becca bends and blows it quickly, making the ball bounce out and onto the table.
“The fuck was that?” I ask with a laugh, feeling light and loose. The shit with Kerian is still on my mind, but it’s a low buzz, not an overwhelming urge to… I don’t know, go to his apartment and choke him to death.
Becca laughs, putting her hands on her hips. “I know you’ve heard of a blow job before. It’s the rules of the game.”
It is, but I completely forgot about it. Not like I’ve ever done it.
Before we can continue our conversation, Russ tosses his ball into the cup and it lands with a thunk. “Blow that,” he says smugly and the crowd erupts with laughter and clapping. Becca tosses her head back and laughs too, her cheeks red from the alcohol.
“Good game,” Mia says, walking over to shake our hands. Her hand lingers in Russ’s. “Wanna go get a drink? I hear the keg is on the back porch.”
Russ grins down at her and I shake my head. He found his company for the night. I don’t think I’ll see him for the rest of the party. “I haven’t been to the keg yet. After you.” Mia tugs on his hand and Russ looks back at me with a wink.
Becca walks over to me and shakes her head as we both look after our friends. “Those two aren’t coming back, are they?”
“Don’t think so,” I answer with a chuckle.
“Let’s sit. We can talk about how you just kicked our asses.” I chuckle and follow her.
“I’m sorry Megan was a bitch to you,” she says when we sit down on one of the empty couches, crossing her legs and leaning forward so I can hear her over the music.
I shrug, looking down at my hands. I really hate that everyone knows what happened between me and Megan, but whatever. She’s the least of my concerns right now. “Not a big deal. She did me a favor, you know?”
“Me and a few of the other girls didn’t know until that game… where… did you… are you…is that guy you kissed your boyfriend?”
I scoff, shaking my head as I grab a shot from a tray one of the pledges is carting around. “No. Not my boyfriend.”
“But you like girls and guys? Like bisexual?” Her eyes are wide and curious. She looks… nervous.
Tossing the shot back, I nod as I grimace. No use denying it. It’s also easier to tell her I like men and women than saying I like just one man. “Yep. That a problem?”
She shakes her head quickly. “No. It’s just… I think I am too.” Becca’s words come out in a whisper as she looks around to see if anyone heard. “How did you know?”
Well, this isn’t a conversation I thought I’d be having at a frat party. Especially with one of the hot cheerleaders I had never spoken to because Megan was jealous of her.
To keep her privacy, I point up the stairs. There’s a balcony on the second floor that people use to smoke. There aren’t usually people up there, since they like to go outside on the front or back porch instead of climbing up a flight of stairs to get their nicotine fix.
I check to make sure no one else is out on the balcony, then wave her out. The cool night air clears my mind and helps sober me up, pushing away the floaty feeling I had just ten or so minutes ago.
Becca wraps her arms around herself, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. Looking at her fucking irritates me. Not because she’s done anything, but because I can’t even feel an attraction to this beautiful girl because my mind is firmly stuck on a six-foot-four-inch tall blond quarterback.
Fucking asshole.
“You don’t have to be nervous that I’ll say anything,” I tell her, hoping to put her at ease. “I’m not that type of person.”
“No, I know. It’s just… I’ve never said anything to anyone about liking girls. Not like my friends would care, but I don’t want anyone to think… when we’re taking showers and?—”
“You don’t want the girls to think you’re staring at them naked?”
She sighs in relief that I understand her inner turmoil. “Yes, exactly.” I lean on the rail, looking down at people in the yard. Becca stands beside me, speaking in a low voice. “I like women, but I’m not sure if I have to, you know, do anything with them first.”
I give her a sidelong look. “Honestly, Becca, I didn’t know I liked men until I started…dating”—I cringe at that word, since Kerian made it clear we were not dating— “Kerian. What does your gut say?”
It’s her turn to sigh, gnawing at her lip like it owes her money. “I was raised to meet my future husband at college, get married and have a bunch of babies.” She looks at me, her eyes reflecting some inner turmoil I can’t begin to understand. “But if I’m honest, I don’t even think I like men.” She laughs, the sound high and sweet. “Shit, I’m sorry to dump all this on you. The alcohol has loosened my tongue.”
I grin at her and bump her shoulder. “Who better to tell? You saw me kiss a man on the football field. A kiss that was televised and replayed for the world to see. I think I’m the best person to dump on.”
Becca smiles at me and we talk for another ten minutes. It’s nice, talking to someone as confused as me. I admit to Becca that I only kissed Kerian to get back at Justin and Megan, not knowing that I would want more. I even told her about our first failed date, where I begged him to take me home.
“Yeah, you had it bad,” she says. A happy breath leaves her lips. “I’m glad we could talk. Here, take down my number. After this conversation, you know I’m not hitting on you.” Becca came to the conclusion that she, in fact, does not like men at all and was only with them to make her parents happy. I’m not sure where she’ll go from here, but I think I made a friend tonight.
I put her number in my phone and give her a wide smile as I send her a quick text. “We can do lunch sometime and talk more if you want?”
She nods eagerly. “We can just hang, for real. I only have like three friends.” She shakes her head. “I wish I hadn’t let Megan’s bullshit get in the way of us at least talking. But fuck her. We’re friends now.”
I bark a laugh and give her a hug. I sink into it, absorbing the care she’s giving me. I didn’t think I needed comforting from the shit with Kerian, but it seems I do.
Becca feels it, rubbing my back gently. “You okay?”
I shake my head, but don’t elaborate. “But I’ll be fine.” We separate and Becca steps towards the door. “I’ll text you soon.”
“You better,” she says with a laugh in her voice. “Now let me go get drunk and pretend I didn’t have such a deep conversation at a frat party.”
Such a weird thing to make a friend over, not knowing if you like men or women. “Only at a party,” I murmur to myself, leaning on the balcony, my chin on the backs of my hands.
While I’m glad I helped Becca figure shit out, I still don’t know what the fuck to do about Kerian. I pull my phone out, pissed that I don’t have a message from him. I have a message from an unknown number but I delete it almost immediately.
Those spam messages have gotten out of hand.
My eyes land on two guys in the yard, flirting as they push and shove at each other. Their attraction is palpable. Hell, I can feel it all the way up here. It makes me think of Kerian, how he pushed me against the wall outside Nirvana the first night I wanted him to take me home. Even though we got physical with each other, the lust was explosive between us.
“Get out of my head,” I mutter, tapping my temple with my fingers roughly. It does nothing to dislodge an image of Kerian that floats behind my closed lids, of him lying in my bed, his face peaceful and relaxed. I don’t want to hold onto that memory. I want all the memories of him trashed and burned so I don’t feel like shit for almost falling in love with someone who could never feel the same way for me. I’m such a fucking fool.
I’m about to leave the balcony to find more to drink, to get drunk off my ass so I can forget about Kerian Slade, when my neck prickles and my heart races with awareness. Only one person makes me feel this way. One person who I can feel without laying my eyes on him.
Fuck me.
“You going home with her tonight?” Kerian asks in a voice I don’t recognize. I can’t figure out the emotion behind it.
But I don’t turn around to ask if he’s okay. He made it clear that he doesn’t care about me, so I’ll harden my heart to him. “I might. What’s it to you?”
“Why, Zander?”
“You don’t get to ask me questions,” I say to him, not giving him more attention than I would give to a stranger. “You don’t get to come here, to a party you said you didn’t want to come to, and demand answers to questions you have no right to ask. This ain’t a part of you getting your dick sucked.”
A faint growl leaves his throat, and it sends a shiver over my body. I suppress it, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I can’t just turn my feelings off like he can.
“Zander, listen?—”
“Don’t have to listen to shit. I want you to leave. Leave and let me enjoy the party with my friends. Friends who don’t want me around for having a tight hole.” My words catch— fucking alcohol —but I keep talking, my words gaining strength. “You don’t want to be with me? Fine. You don’t want me to call you babe? Fine . But don’t show up and ask me fucking questions when you didn’t even have the decency to text me back.”
“My phone is broken.”
I scoff a laugh. “Likely fuckin’ excuse. If you came to tell me the same shit you told me over the phone, don’t fuckin bother. I’m over it. I’m over you.”
“Zander—”
“Don’t fucking ‘ Zander’ me!” I whisper-shout over my shoulder, not wanting to bring attention to me and Kerian having a fight. “Why are you even here?” I ask, finally turning around so I can see his face as I unleash all my pent-up anger. He’s probably wearing a scowl since I had my back to him for so long. Or that cocky grin he pastes on so he can disregard my angry words and throw them back at me ten times harder. Maybe he has?—
When I finally look at Kerian, my words die on my tongue. His bottom lip is split and he has a massive bruise on his left cheek, a dark and angry contusion that looks like it hurts at the slightest touch.
Swallowing hard, I take a step closer to him, my fingers hovering near his face, but not touching him. “What the fuck ? Who did this to you?”