Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
My first week at my new job went okay, I guess. It wasn’t fulfilling; it was chaotic at best, and so far, nobody seemed very friendly. But a job was a job, and I used my first paycheck very wisely.
By wisely, I meant that I was finally able to buy all the starting supplies to make my first solo stained glass pieces.
Usually, after a big purchase like that, I’d feel some sort of dopamine rush.
A feeling of self-satisfaction and excitement for what was to come.
But even after getting the confirmation number and figuring out the best ventilated place to do the stained glass, I felt almost nothing.
No excitement. No real feeling of accomplishment.
The air had started to turn cold, tearing leaves of all different colors down from their homes on the tree branches.
With the cold came a sweltering, stiff, and creaky ache, right where my heart was meant to be.
The metal cage surrounding it had frozen over, the punishing imprisonment somehow worse than it had been before.
When I was searching for glass, I could hardly tell any of the colors apart.
They all looked red to me. Deep, dark, crimson, waiting to be shattered and splattered all across the walls I lived in.
I’d bought at least four different reds, and I wasn’t sure how many other colors.
Enough to make a full color wheel, at least.
I wished I could be normal. I wished I could just get over it. I wished I could say everything was fine and mean it. But to do that, I’d have to talk to people, and talking to people truly freaked me the fuck out. Having someone know how deep my weakness went? Yeah, pass.
Instead, as I peeled out of my business casual turtleneck and khakis, I texted Star, hoping for a genuine answer.
Me
How are classes going?
Star
Wouldn’t you like to know Mr. Overbearing?
Me
You’re still mad?
Star
You haven’t apologized yet
Me
I’m sorry.
Star
That’s the fakest shit I’ve ever heard from you, Moon
Me
I am. I’m sorry that I hurt our relationship. I’m sorry that I came off so strong. In my head, I was trying to protect you.
Star
From what? Big bad wolves lurking in the bushes waiting to jump out and blow my house down?
Me
More like big bad men waiting for you to be vulnerable enough to take advantage of.
Star
Fuck off. I can take care of myself. So, yes, I’m still mad at you, and I’ll continue to be until you say you’re sorry and MEAN IT!
Me
Please, sis, I’ll shut up about it. I promise.
Really, how long could she hold a grudge for? I mean, it’d been weeks since I got on her case about that shit, and she was still upset. It fascinated me as much as it aggravated me.
Star
It isn’t about that one single incident
News to me.
Me
Then what is it about?
Star
You’ve always been overbearing. You used to suck the fun out of anything and everything with the idea that one of us would get hurt or do something stupid.
I thought you’d gotten better as we’d gotten older.
Instead, you only proved the opposite. I called you because I trusted you, and all I got was a lecture in response
Flopping onto my bed, I dialed Crescent without even sending Star a response.
“What’s up?”
“Hey, are you with Elio?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Put me on speaker.”
“Uh, okay. Hold on.” There was some shuffling before he cleared his throat. “Okay, we’re both here.”
Elio chimed in. “Hi, Moon.”
“Hi, El. Have I always been overbearing?”
There was a pause before Crescent finally spoke. “What?”
Sighing, I wrapped my blanket around myself. “When you guys were kids. Was I overbearing?”
Crescent cleared his throat. “You were kind of intense, yeah. You still are, honestly.”
“But,” Elio started. “I think you get it from Mom. She was really protective and sort of in our faces, despite how usually carefree her and Dad are.”
I smiled a little at hearing Elio call them Mom and Dad, just like he used to when we were kids. It was endearing and brought back so many good memories. But then I remembered why I was talking to them. “Am I still like that?”
Crescent sighed. I knew it was him because of how long it was and how close to the speaker.
I had to pull my phone away from my ear and put it on speaker.
“Remember not too long ago when you kept calling and texting me, and when I told you I had stuff going on that wasn’t related to my mental health, you sent me a therapist’s name and address?
And then just the other day, you asked me if I’d taken my meds even though I’m a grown man in therapy with a boyfriend who also helps me remember? ”
“Oh my God, I was worried about you! And for good fucking reason, asshole. And! And! Might I add that you listened to me in the end, even if it was in a roundabout way? You got Elio to see that therapist, and then you ended up seeing one at the same office.”
“Not because of you.”
“I put the seed in your brain!”
“No, you became a thorn in my side. Honestly, yes, Moon, you’ve always been very overprotective. I grew to appreciate it and understand it, but Star and I are very different people.”
“Wow. So you don’t love me anymore. I see how it is.” I pulled the blankets further over myself, tightening my cocoon.
“How in the fuck did you get that from what I said? You are so fucking drama-”
“Okay, honey. Calm down.” Elio stepped in.
“Moon, I didn’t have you as my brother for as long as Crescent or Star.
I personally wouldn’t say you were overbearing.
I’d say you cared about us and protected us.
But you kind of went haywire with Star. She’s a very independent person, and she’s figuring herself out in college. ”
I groaned with exasperation. “Exactly! She’s figuring herself out. Which can be dangerous, as we all should know, okay, so she needs some guidance.”
“Are you going to listen and accept our truths, or are you going to keep making excuses so you can feel better about yourself?” Elio’s voice sounded different.
More serious. Way more serious than I was ever used to hearing from him, and it kind of broke my heart.
I had a soft spot where Elio was concerned. I never wanted to make him upset.
“I’ll listen.”
“Okay, good. I can understand why something like that would make her push away. She hates being told what to do. She probably hates that you’ve insinuated she can’t take care of herself. Crescent and I can deal with it. That doesn’t mean she can. Is she still mad at you?”
I felt a little embarrassed to admit anything. “She said I used to suck the fun out of everything, and she thought it’d gotten better, but then she called me for help, and she got a lecture instead.”
There was silence on the line. Too much silence, honestly. It started to freak me out. Crescent broke it first. “Yeah, that’s tough, man. Have you apologized?”
“Yes.”
“Sincerely?”
I shrugged. He couldn’t see it, but I did.
“Moon. Come on. Apologize and ease up on her. Please, for the love of god. It’ll repair your relationship with time, okay? I don’t know the reason behind you being so overprotective, or if it’s just big brother instinct, but there’s a time and a place. Star obviously needs something to change.”
It was a mixture. A mixture of big brother instinct and something else. Something else I’d never utter to my brothers. But after learning about Jude hurting Elio right under our noses, and none of us ever knew? That only made it worse, I think. I wasn’t sure how else to explain it.
I’d never in a million years would’ve thought I’d be so terrified that I’d ask my sister to give me her location at all times. If she’d said yes, I would’ve been watching her every move.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
“I’ll apologize, but I can’t promise a thing. Just so you guys know, too.”
Elio laughed. “We know, Moon. You defend the ones you love like it’s your last dying breath. I’ve seen it in real time.”
As I was slowly choking to death, Jude’s hands wrapped around my throat in a vise grip, slowly taking my soul and life down to hell with him and Sarah. “Yeah. I love you guys.”
They both spoke in unison. “We love you, too.”
I hung up the call, staring at the text thread between Star and I. Arguing with her was slowly tearing me apart. Knowing I’d been the one to hurt her feelings? Even worse.
Me
I’m sorry. Truly. I had no idea I was acting like that, or that it made you feel like this. I’m really, really fucking sorry, Starry. I’ll do better. I promise.
Star
You better, Moony Poony. Call me tomorrow. I have studying to do
It was an invitation, at least. An improvement and a slap in the face.
I had work to do. A lot of it, really. I just didn’t know how to do it while fear bubbled beneath the surface everywhere I turned, and the metal inside my chest kept creaking so loudly, I was afraid it’d break.
If it broke, I was scared it’d take a piece of my heart with it.
It’d take and take until there was nothing left.
Nothing but pain and evil from a past I’d never admitted to.
Neither I nor Emerson’s schedules had aligned since we last saw each other.
We’d officially gone an entire week without seeing each other in person, though we texted as often as we could.
It was kind of weird. Nothing had changed in the way we talked, but everything had changed in our friendship.
Or maybe it wasn’t a friendship anymore. Friends with benefits? I didn’t know.
We weren’t boyfriends. That much, I was sure of. At least, I thought so, anyway. I hadn’t had a boyfriend in so long, I couldn’t be sure of what to call us. Was there an “us”?
I opened the door, originally planning to keep my face steel and impassive. I failed, of course, because I’d honestly started to miss the fuck out of him. Emerson withdrawals, maybe? He’d become such a light in my life, I’d missed him when I was shrouded in the dark.