Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
His first cry almost broke me right then and there. Moon breathed in, his chest physically stuttering just before opening his mouth. He let it out, sobbing immediately. His voice cracked as he almost screamed, bending forward with the force of it.
There he sat, in a shirt and briefs on the bathroom tile, what looked to be a blade in his hand, with blood smeared across his thighs.
A lot of blood. His blood. Blood pouring from cuts he’d made, dripping onto the tile, stripes of it across the bottoms of his hands, as if he’d accidentally set them in the mess. Moon cried, and I stood. I stood, mouth open, hand on the doorknob, frozen in time while time kept going for him.
I watched his back rise and fall with his heaving sobs, tears mixing with the blood on the floor. He could hardly catch his breath, coughing through the tears. “I-I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m s-so fucking s-sorry!”
His wailing, broken apologies seeped through my skin and into my bones, making time start moving again.
I fell to the floor with him, looking over his body as I tried to figure out how I could hold him without hurting him.
I just wanted to hold him and pick up his pieces and make him feel whole again.
I just wanted Moon to see himself the way I saw him—worthy.
Worthy, and beautiful, and so fucking precious.
I knee-walked closer to him, my eyes filling with tears. “Oh, my god. Oh my god, I’m so glad you’re alive.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Shh, it’s okay.” I looked around, trying to find something to clean up with. The closest thing I could find was a towel.
I grabbed it and gently plucked the blade from his outstretched hand while he cried.
I threw it on top of the counter in a rush and placed the towel over his thigh, gently pressing so it’d soak as much blood as possible.
He struggled a little, whimpering, as I applied pressure.
“I need to see how bad it is, Moon. I just need to see if you need help, okay? I’ve got you. I’m here.”
I wasn’t even sure what I was saying anymore. I was just talking. Rambling. Too relieved that he was alive to care what I was saying. When I pulled the towel away, I looked over every fresh wound on his skin.
None of them were very deep, and none of them needed stitches. “Okay, you’re okay. Hold on. Let me run the bath, okay? We need to get you cleaned up.”
As soon as I stood, he reached up for me. “No! Don’t leave. Don’t leave me. Please.”
“I’m not leaving you, Moon. Look, I’m just running the bath. See?” I kept eye contact with him as I slowly leaned toward the tub and switched the tap on. I blindly threw my hand underneath, checking the temperature before I plugged the drain.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, shh. It’s okay.” I let the tub fill as I sat back on the ground. I needed to hold him. I needed to feel him living and breathing against me. I needed to feel that his skin was warm.
I needed to time his heartbeat and make sure he was alive. I needed to somehow convince myself that he wasn’t on the brink of death. I needed to stay calm. Calm.
Calm.
Calm.
Calm.
How could I stay fucking calm when I was sitting in his blood?
I spread my legs and pulled his back against me, situating him between them.
Wrapping my arms around his middle, I placed a kiss against the back of his head while he cried.
“I’ve got you. I’m here now. Everything is going to be okay. I’m right here.”
Hearing him cry was breaking my heart. But I could feel him breathe, and he was warm. So fucking warm. “Why, Moon? Why? Why pull away like this?”
He leaned his head against me, seemingly losing some of his steam. He cried, but it was softer. “It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault.”
“What’s your fault?”
“I couldn’t protect them.”
His siblings. “You’ve done just fine, my brat. You’ve done just fine. They’re perfectly safe.”
He shook his head wildly. “No! No, Elio got hurt. He was being hurt, and I wasn’t there. I didn’t notice. I should’ve noticed.”
“Oh, Moon.” My voice cracked, listening to the anguish in his. “There’s no way you could’ve known. It isn’t your fault.”
Moon didn’t say anything, but he kept shaking his head. I pressed another kiss to his hair before whispering to him. “Hold on, let me get the water.”
I waited until he’d fully supported himself to get back up. I turned the water off, checking the temperature of it one more time.
When I turned to look back at Moon, he was still sniffling, and tears were still falling down his face, but he wasn’t hunched over anymore. “Do you want some help to get in?”
He shook his head.
“I’m not leaving you by yourself in here, so if you want to stay in your clothes, that’s fine. But I’m not leaving.”
He shook his head again.
“Okay. Let me help you up at least.” I bent down just enough to wrap his arm around my shoulders and act as a support for him to stand up. He was a bit wobbly, wincing in pain as he stood on his leg, but he was able to balance just fine.
I turned to give him a bit of privacy as he reached for his shirt, deciding to undress after all.
He didn’t have any trouble getting into the bath, fully submerging up to his stomach.
I tried not to flinch as the bath water slowly started to turn red.
“Just soak here for a minute, okay? I’ll clean the floor up, and then we’ll get you into bed. ”
He sniffled. “Wait.”
“Yeah?”
The sad, watery caverns in his eyes stared back at me. There were deep, purple bags under his eyes, like he hadn’t slept in all six days he’d been silent. “Can you sit?”
I looked around, trying to find the best place to do so. He nodded toward the toilet, so I put the seat down and sat on it. I didn’t say anything else. I didn’t think I needed to. I didn’t think I could, actually, if I wanted to.
He looked down at the water, wading one of his hands through it.
When he spoke, his voice sounded rough from all the crying.
God, he looked so fucking tired. “When I was fifteen, I started dating this girl. She was nice. And very pretty. I mean, she was nice for a while, anyway. It’s always the same story, isn’t it?
They’re fucking perfect until they’re not, but by then, you’re already so deep, you don’t realize there’s a way out.
She got mean. She got physical. Hitting me, calling me names, leaving bruises, but making me hide them—just an evil bitch. ”
I wrung my hands together as I listened, trying to calm the rising anger in my gut. This was the person he was talking about before.
“Anyway, that was fucked up. But one thing she always wanted from me that I wasn’t ready for was sex.
I think, deep down, I knew she wasn’t a good person.
I was never ready, you know? So, one day, we’d been dating for almost a year.
I was sixteen. We went to this house party of some friend of hers.
I didn’t fully trust it, because I didn’t trust any of her friends, but I wasn’t given an option.
I got a couple of bruises for refusing at first.”
Water dripped into the tub, slowly making waves in the red water he sat in.
Drip. Drip. Drip. “I’d never been drunk before, but she had.
It was all the rage when I was sixteen. Getting drunk and doing dumb shit.
So, when she handed me a cup, I didn’t think anything of it.
Until it turned into shots of vodka. And then a whole cup of it.
I got drunk quick, being a lightweight and it being my first time and all.
At one point, I told her I couldn’t drink anymore.
I couldn’t handle it. I was stumbling around, the world was spinning, and I was so sure I was gonna throw up and embarrass myself.
She got all sweet and shit, told me we could go lie down in her friend’s bedroom.
“Me, being as drunk as I was, I didn’t think anything of it.
Once we got to the bedroom, I immediately flopped onto the bed.
Worst feeling of my life. Being so off-balance while I wasn’t even standing.
” He closed his eyes and shook his head.
“She came back with a shot of whiskey. I told her no. I was pretty fucking out of it, though.”
He leaned back in the tub, resting his head against the wall, his eyes still closed. I was holding onto my composure for dear fucking life, hoping I wouldn’t break something. Trying not to demand her name so I could go ruin her fucking life. I was scared.
Scared of what happened next, as if I was the one who lived it. But I wasn’t. And that was even worse.
“Three of her friends came in and held my arms and legs down while she forced my mouth open and poured the whiskey down my throat. I almost choked. I told her to stop after that, but it must’ve been slurred.
Maybe she heard ‘keep going’ instead. She told me she wanted to have sex.
That I needed to lose my virginity, and this was the best time to do it because I probably wouldn’t remember.
” He opened his eyes, staring right at me. “I remember enough.”