Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The ringing was so loud in my ears, I had contemplated banging my head against the wall to get it to stop. I knew that wouldn’t help, since it was unlikely my tinnitus would ever stop completely, but I still thought about it. The idea was nice.
My entire body felt like it was being weighed down by a five-ton stack of bricks as I walked through my front door.
I could hardly see past the dark shadow that’d pulled itself down over my eyes, keeping me from truly seeing the world as it stood.
The only bright part was how Moon came up to me with a big grin on his face, his arms open wide to accept me in what I knew would be a soul-healing hug.
He’d come over after I told him I was on my way home from therapy. I’d planned to ask him to move in soon, since he practically lived here already. My new house in my new town didn’t feel so empty and haunting when Moon was in it. He hugged me tight. “Hi, Daddy.”
“Hi, baby. It’s good to see you.” I leaned down, kissing the top of his head.
I followed him as he led me to the living room couch, plopping down on one of the cushions. It looked like he’d been watching some sort of nature documentary in my absence. “How was your session with Chris?”
“Mmm.” I leaned back, closing my eyes. “Hard. Really hard.”
Moon moved closer to me the moment I’d said it, snuggling up against my side. “I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”
We’d agreed there would never be any pressure to share what we’d talked about in our sessions.
If our moods were affected, we’d say it was hard, ask if we wanted to talk, and if we didn’t, we just spent some low-energy time together.
I thought about it for a moment, the hole in my heart so obviously gaping, it was physically painful.
Grief was an odd thing. It was never just psychological. It changed the way the body worked entirely, sometimes causing a constant ringing in the ears that never went away. Sometimes, it caused physical pain where there shouldn’t be any. The inside of my chest ached.
I let my head roll side-to-side as I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I miss my brother. I miss my parents.”
“I know, Daddy. I’m so sorry.” Moon rubbed my arm soothingly. “I know how much you love and miss them. Is that what you and Chris talked about today?”
“Yeah, we talked about the different ways of processing grief and how to feel close to our loved ones who’ve passed.” I wrapped my arm around him, pulling him against me until his head was resting on my shoulder. “We talked about me visiting their graves. They’re buried right next to each other.”
“Is that something you want to do?”
“I haven’t gone since Olivia and I got divorced.
Seeing their graves just feels so…real, I guess.
I don’t know. I always end up such a mess when I go, and Olivia used to go with me every time.
I haven’t had it in me to ask her since we finalized.
” I shook my head and rubbed a hand over my face, tugging at my beard.
“I just miss them so much, Moon. So fucking much. It feels like I’m going to crumble and fall apart at any moment.
The grief hits in waves, so it isn’t always like this, but when it is, it’s horrible.
” I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to breathe through the pain. “It’s too much.”
Moon placed his palms on the sides of my face, waiting until I’d opened my eyes. “Let’s go see them. Together. I’d like to meet them, and I’m sure they’d love to hear from you.”
I looked into his eyes, watching them as they sparkled. They were full, and vast, and so fucking gorgeous. I could get lost in them forever. “You’d do that for me?”
“Anything you need, Em. Anything and everything. I’m going to be with you for a very long time, so I’m going to want to meet them eventually. Why not now? Especially when you’re needing some time with them.”
A little bit of the weight fell off as Moon took it upon his shoulders for me. The ringing had calmed to a lower pitch, too. He had me, just as I had him. “Yeah. Let’s go introduce you, then.”
I wasn’t sure how to go any further than this.
Moon and I stood hand-in-hand just feet away from my parents’ shared plot and Harrison’s grave right next to them.
I stared from a distance, frozen as the memories of their funerals kept playing in my mind.
All the people who claimed to give a shit, and the awful, horrible music they played at Mom and Dad’s because Harrison and I were too fucked up to choose any.
I remembered their bodies being lowered into the ground six feet under, like it was yesterday.
As Mom and Dad descended, rain had mixed with our tears, pouring down so hard nobody could hear our sobs.
We’d held hands, just like Moon and I were, gripping each other for dear fucking life just in case we floated away in the flood that followed.
Olivia had stood to the left of me, her hand on my back as she sniffled and wiped her nose with a too-dirty tissue that’d been ruined with the rain.
When Harrison went beside them, the sun had been out, and the sky was clear of any clouds.
The birds had been singing his favorite song, and the wind had promised the earth would take good care of him.
Olivia had been to the right of me, holding my hand, gripping each other for dear life just in case the wind took me, too.
The loss of my family had been so profound, I was truly amazed that I’d come out on the other side like I had. Without Olivia, I didn’t think I would’ve. I owed her a lot.
Moon squeezed my hand twice. “You ready?”
Turning my head, I took a deep breath before taking the first step.
The sun was out. The skies were clear. The birds were chirping somewhere on a tree branch, watching us from above.
The grass was so green, it made me wonder if it was real or not.
The gravestones stared at me, the birth and death dates written in print, while the rest remained carved in script.
Here lies Marilyn and Thomas Blake. May they rest together in peace.
Here lies Harrison Blake. May he rest in peace.
Moon kneeled to the ground, sitting right between them.
He wasn’t wearing a turtleneck this time, sporting a short-sleeve T-shirt with pride.
“Hi, Marilyn. Hi, Thomas. Hi, Harrison. My name is Moon.” He put his hands up.
“I know, I know. Super weird name. My parents are, as you would call, free-spirited.”
I planted myself right by him, sitting directly in front of Harrison’s grave.
“Moon is my boyfriend. Surprising, right? You guys wouldn’t know this, but Olivia and I got divorced.
That’s why I haven’t stopped by in a long time.
It was amicable, and mutual, and all that stuff.
We’re still really good friends.” I plucked a blade of grass from the ground, twirling it between my fingers.
“Anyway, I’m really in love with this guy.
He’s really good. The best, actually. He wanted to meet you all. ”
“I’m very grateful to him, you know.” He turned his head to Mom and Dad’s gravestone, paying no mind to the faded scars on his neck he’d been hiding for so long.
“You two raised a really good man. And Harrison,” he looked toward Harrison’s.
“You have one kick-ass twin. Even if he gets on my nerves a lot.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “I have a lot to tell you guys, honestly. I’ve been going to therapy, which has really helped in a lot of ways I never thought about.
I thought I was doing well with the grief and all that, but Chris—my therapist—called me out in our first session together.
So, I’ve been working on processing that and trying to find ways to handle it when it gets to be too much.
Like today, actually. Today, I miss you guys more than I can even explain. ”
Moon shuffled closer to me, placing a hand on my knee. He didn’t interrupt me. He just let me talk.
“Chris said that grief doesn’t get smaller.
He said my tolerance for it just gets bigger.
It’s always there, but my ability to cope is what gets better.
Today, I think I just needed to talk to you.
I think that’s how I needed to cope. I wish you guys were closer, though.
” I threw the blade of grass to the ground, picking up a new one.
“Speaking of which, I moved. They swapped me around at work and placed me in Heaton Springs. It was really fucking scary at first, but Moon has made it a lot less scary.”
Moon chuckled. “Don’t listen to him. I’m actually a terror, and he’s the one who makes things less scary.”
“Yeah, but you’re my terror.” I grinned at him before turning my attention back to Mom and Dad’s gravestone. “I’m gonna marry him one day, you know. I think, this time, it’ll be forever, too. Olivia and I just weren’t meant to be like that.”
I looked up at the sky, watching as a flock of birds flew overhead.
“You know, I thought I’d be a sobbing mess when we got here.
You guys have watched me cry every single time.
” I closed my eyes, listening to the sound of the wind as it coasted through the leaves.
For once, I could barely hear the ringing in my ears.
All I heard was Harrison’s laughter through the halls of our old house.
Mom singing while she cooked dinner. Dad yawning really fucking loud because, for some reason, he couldn’t yawn any other way.
“I don’t think I need to cry, though. Not this time.
I think I finally get it now.” I looked at their gravestones as the weight slowly started to disappear.
“Acceptance. The one stage I haven’t gotten to, yet.
I keep going back and forth between denial and depression, but I haven’t once fully accepted it.
I accepted that there was nothing I could’ve done for Harrison.
I accepted that his path was his to take, and it wasn’t my fault.
I accepted that Mom and Dad’s accident was just an accident, and that our lives would be different without them.
But I never accepted that you guys were dead.
I never fully grasped the idea that you were never coming back, no matter how much I missed you. ”
Moon rubbed my back in slow, soothing circles.
I let the blade of grass I’d been holding fall to the ground and didn’t pick up another one.
“You guys are dead. I’m allowed to miss you.
I’m going to hurt from time to time, but you’re gone.
I can still come see you and talk to you.
I can keep your trophies and knick-knacks and photos on my dresser, but none of that will change that you’re gone.
The ringing in my ears may never go away, and I can accept that.
I can accept that there is nothing else for me to do except love you guys, cope the best I can, and honor you in any way possible.
Honoring you, loving you, and still hoping you’ll come back is different, though.
And I don’t think I’ve fully understood that until now. ”
The wind picked up just as clouds started to circulate.
I watched as they passed by in the distance.
The clouds were out, yet the sky was still beautiful.
Mom, Dad, and Harrison were dead, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t be in my heart.
Grief wouldn’t shrink, but it could become more tolerable.
I could hold two truths while still holding onto reality.
Putting my arm around Moon, I watched as the world kept moving. “I guess Chris really knows what he’s talking about.”
“I think he does.” He pressed a kiss to my cheek. “I’m so fucking proud of you, Em.”
Acceptance and hope seemed to go hand-in-hand with each other. With acceptance, new hope could grow. True hope, not the false kind that I had to convince myself existed. Hope had brought me Moon. Hope had kept me going through the years. Hope had finally brought me peace.