44. Chapter 44 #2
“ Not much ,” she said. “ Only that they protect your body from the strain of your power. And that the more power you have, the more staves you need. ” She quieted for a moment. “ You have more than I’ve ever seen. ”
Her words made him pause. “ Alexander didn’t have them? ”
She shook her head. “ He didn’t… use power like you do. It was more like… he was immune to others’, or something. He didn’t really need staves. ”
Her gaze moved over him, no longer on the markings, but on his face. A deep sadness filled her eyes. She was thinking about Alexander. She loved him. His death still hurt her. Cyrus could still feel her grief.
“ I could give him to you, Norah ,” he said. “ I could give you Alexander. ”
The flicker across her face told him that was something she wanted more than almost anything. Her eyes welled, and her lip trembled. But she shook her head. “ It wouldn’t be real ,” she whispered.
“ You could let it be real. ”
She smiled sadly. “ No, Lucien. ”
He sighed. If she ever changed her mind, he would give him to her. She only needed to ask.
His mind shifted.
He did have something to ask of her. His pulse quickened.
“ Would you let me see Adrian? ” He stepped closer to her. “ Will you let him come to me? I’ve looked at him in your mind, but… to see him in his person, in life. I’d like that. ”
Her lips parted, but no words came out. She shifted her gaze to the ground, then back to him. “ Things are… complicated ,” she said. She swallowed. “ I haven’t even told him you’re alive. ”
Surprise caught him, although as soon as she said it, it made sense. Adrian had lived his entire life thinking Cyrus was dead. To now discover he was alive, and the enemy…
“ I understand ,” he told her. Still, he couldn’t deny the wave of disappointment.
Norah bit the corner of her lip. “ Can I think about things? ”
“ Yes, of course ,” he said. If she could find a way… He had a blood brother, and the thought of meeting him… His pulse leapt to his throat.
Her gaze moved back over his markings. “ Thank you for sharing this with me ,” she said. “ For sharing everything with me. ”
Perhaps it had been too much, but he didn’t care.
She gave him a small smile. “ I should go. ”
“ Do you have enough blood to call me back? ”
She nodded.
“ Goodbye, Norah ,” he said.
“ Goodbye ,” she told him, and he opened his eyes back to his study.
His heart still beat heavily.
Norah was going to think about him meeting Adrian.
He needed to tell Essandra.
He walked quickly through the halls, to the places she usually was—her workroom, her chamber, and Teron’s room. But she was nowhere to be found. The sun had reached its peak, which meant the heat had reached its peak—she wouldn’t be in the gardens, but he walked there anyway.
Still, he didn’t find her.
Cyrus checked his own bedchamber, which was empty. He checked the dining hall, the council room, and the library. Still nothing.
He went back to her workroom. On the center table lay her spell book and loose pages of notes. Various bowls of crushed herbs and mixes sat about. It wasn’t like her to leave everything out like this. His gaze landed on the Amoran Cup.
She definitely wouldn’t have left that out.
His chest tightened. Something wasn’t right.
But nothing was spilled or broken. There was no sign of a foul engagement.
His eyes traveled the room.
And he stilled.
The lid to the serpent’s basket was off.
He stepped toward it.
As he drew closer, his eyes found the bottom.
It was empty.
Cyrus tore back out of the workroom and down the hall.
This could be a good thing, he tried to tell himself. She could have brought her sister back.
Or it could be a very bad thing.
Something could have gone wrong.
He wished she would have told him that she was going to do the spell. Had she used dark magic again? She’d said she didn’t need to anymore.
Unless something hadn’t worked and she had needed it again…
Cyrus quickened his pace. He barked orders to find her at everyone he passed.
He’d tear this kingdom apart.
Outside again, he stormed the grounds. His footsteps fell heavy on the cracked earth. He’d find Everan and Kord. But as he passed the side fields, he paused as something in the corner of his eye drew his attention.
It was Essandra. Alone.
He hurried toward her. She sat on the ground, leaning back against a stone well. He wasn’t sure why she’d be there. It was a dry well.
Her black dress was dusted with sand, and her hair had blown loose from the clip that held it.
“Essandra,” he called to her.
But she only sat, unmoving.
“Essandra!” He reached her and dropped down beside her. Only then did she raise her face. She looked up at him, and her eyes focused.
“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Are you all right?” He looked around. “What are you doing here? Are you hurt?”
“I was just walking, and I… I needed to sit down.” Her face was blank, her voice barely more than a whisper.
“Are you hurt?” he asked again. He anxiously checked her over. She didn’t appear injured.
“It didn’t work,” she said.
He paused. The spell.
“What happened?”
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” She shook her head. “The spell wouldn’t catch.”
He sighed, feeling the disappointment for her.
“The blood from the serpent should have worked,” she said. “It should have worked.”
“We’ll figure out what happened,” he promised.
“But I can’t.” Her fingers tightened in the fabric of his tunic. “I can’t figure it out.”
“You will.”
She shook her head. “I can’t.” Her eyes welled, and her lips trembled. “Nothing I do works.”
“Hey. Look at me.” He lifted her chin to him. “Finding out what doesn’t work is still progress.”
A tear skimmed down her cheek, leaving a trail in the dust on her skin.
“It’s still progress,” he told her again. “All right?”
Ever so faintly, she nodded.
Then her expression shifted, as if she were just seeing him for the first time. “Did you need me for something?” she asked.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said. “Come here. Let’s get you inside.” And he pulled her into his arms and carried her back to the palace.
They sat quietly at the dining table, just the two of them.
Essandra had barely touched her breakfast. She only moved it around her plate with her fork as Cyrus watched her.
When she glanced up, she caught his stare. “I’m fine,” she said for the hundredth time.
“I know.” But he still didn’t believe her. She hid her weakness behind walls thicker than a castle stronghold. From everyone. Even him.
She took a drink of her tea. “It’s the same disappointment I’ve been managing for years. It just hit a little harder yesterday, that’s all.”
He’d been trying to figure out why. It was possibly because she’d truly believed it would work, more than she had the previous times. Or perhaps it was because it had been the closest she’d come yet, and to still have it slip through her fingers…
She carried every failure on her shoulders. Heavier and heavier. It was going to eventually crush her. Perhaps it already was.
“Essandra,” he said softly. “You can’t keep—”
“Do you think Norah will call you today?” she interrupted.
He didn’t want to change the subject; there was still more he had to say. Maybe it would be better to let her calm a little more first. And he did need to tell her about his visit.
“I spoke to her yesterday,” he said.
She straightened in her chair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. I should have asked—”
“How would you have known to ask?” He didn’t blame her at all. “It’s perfectly fine. It went well.”
She let out a relieved breath and nodded. “Good. I’m glad to hear that. What did you talk about?”
“I asked to meet Adrian. She’s going to think about it.”
She stilled, with her eyes fixed on him. “How would you meet him? Would she give him your blood?”
That hadn’t occurred to him, but even if it had, it wasn’t what he wanted. “I want to meet him in person.”
“So, you would go to Mercia again?”
“Most likely, yes.”
She set her fork down. “Cyrus, I desperately want you to meet your brother, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.
The Shadow commander had no hesitation in trying to kill you the last time, and you have not improved your position with him or the Shadow King since then. Quite the opposite, actually.”
He didn’t care about the Shadow commander. “I think I have a good relationship with Norah.”
“Which she’s kept a secret!”
“She’ll keep this too. Most likely.”
She shifted in her chair and shook her head. “I don’t like it.”
“I’ll make sure it’s safe,” he promised.
They finished breakfast and left the dining room, walking slowly. It was strange they were talking about him when really it was her he was worried about. Finding her sitting by the well had been the worst he’d ever seen her.
“I still want to talk about yesterday,” he said.
“I don’t,” she said firmly.
He took her hand and pulled her to stop. “Essandra.”
She pulled free. “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You can’t keep—”
“I can’t keep doing this?” she snapped. “I can’t keep failing and failing and failing over and over again? Is that it? You want me to come to terms with the fact that they’re gone? That I can’t keep wanting? I can’t keep trying?”
He sighed and took her hand again, pulling her closer. “I was going to say you can’t keep doing this alone. You can’t keep me at a distance. Before, it was just you trying to bring them back. Now it’s us. When you do the next spell, I have to be there.”
The spiked emotional armor she wore so often faded as her eyes softened.
“It’s you and me now,” he said again.
“Cyrus,” a voice called, and he turned to see Everan walking quickly toward them. He held a letter in his hand.
“Another one?” Fuck the gods. Gregor. “He didn’t even give me time to respond to the last letter.”
“An Osani ship has been spotted off the coast of Japheth.”
So Aleon had wasted no time engaging their new alliance with Osan.
The king of Osan had once offered Cyrus an alliance but then quickly withdrew it once he learned about the coven.
He should have been less concerned with making alliances and more concerned with making enemies. Osan was on the wrong side now.
“Gregor presses us to move against Aleon,” Everan added.
Cyrus pushed out an annoyed breath.
Everan held out the letter for him, but Cyrus didn’t need to read it.
“Would you like me to respond?” Everan asked.
Cyrus shook his head. “Not yet.”
“Cyrus—”
“I said not yet .”
Everan sighed. Essandra only watched him.
Cyrus just needed to think. A moment of quiet. He kissed Essandra on the head, then struck out alone toward his study.
However, as he passed a small side room, he paused at the sound of hushed voices. Silently, he stepped to the cracked door and peered inside.
Kord and Hephain.
They stood close. Too close.
Cyrus couldn’t understand what they were saying, but Hephain was upset. Kord reached up and curled his hand along the side of Hephain’s neck, pulling him closer. Then he kissed him. Long. Deep.
Cyrus stepped back, into the center of the hall. He wasn’t meant to see that.
Just then, Kord came through the door, leaving, and when he saw Cyrus, he paused. “Were you looking for me?” he asked. “Did you need something?”
Cyrus stared at him for a moment, then shook his head. “No.”
Kord’s expression changed, ever so slightly, as he stared back. Was he wondering if Cyrus had seen? If he was, he didn’t ask. Instead, he just nodded and departed down the hall.
Cyrus watched him leave. He stood for another moment, until Hephain, too, came out.
When he locked eyes with Cyrus, he froze.
“What are you doing?” Cyrus asked him.
Hephain shook his head. “Nothing.”
“Kord is married. He has a child on the way.”
“Please don’t,” Hephain begged hoarsely as he turned away.
Cyrus quieted, just watching him.
Hephain reached out and leaned against the wall, sucking in a breath.
When he turned back to Cyrus, his eyes were rimmed red.
“You can’t make me feel any more shame than I already do.
” His lip trembled. “But I can’t help it.
I love him.” He sucked in another ragged inhale as he glanced down at the floor, then back to Cyrus.
“I love him. And I’ll do anything to keep him. Even if it’s only pieces of him.”
Cyrus’s heart broke for them both.
The sun had long dipped below the horizon.
Cyrus sat on his knees on the floor in his study, his head reeling, his pulse racing. He couldn’t get up. He couldn’t even bring himself to move the few paces to the chair.
He hadn’t been prepared for Norah’s call.
The news had come too soon; the opportunity was too soon.
He’d wanted it, more than anything, but this was all happening too soon .
The door to the study opened, but he didn’t move. His heart beat heavily, and he felt it everywhere except his chest—his ears, his head, his hands.
Essandra stepped in front of him. She said something, but it didn’t register.
“Cyrus?” She dropped down beside him and put a hand on his arm. “What’s wrong? Is it Gregor?”
Slowly, he lifted his eyes to meet hers.
He hadn’t even thought about Gregor. He swallowed. “It’s Norah,” he whispered. “I just spoke to her.”
He swallowed again.
“She’s going to bring me my brother.” His eyes stung. “I’m going to meet my brother.”