Chapter 35
Thirty-Five
NATASHA
“This pool area is nice,” Scarlett says with a sigh, leaning back on her shaded lounge chair. Lulu’s on the other side of me.
I’m sandwiched between them.
“I haven’t been able to read your texts,” I tell them quietly. “I just got my phone back today.”
“He took your phone away?” Lulu demands, staring at me incredulously.
“No, I had it with me, but I didn’t have a charger, so it died early on. I never bothered to find a way to plug it in.”
I shrug a shoulder, and the girls continue to watch me.
“You could have called us,” Scarlett says.
“No, I couldn’t.” I shake my head and take a deep breath. “You’re Julian’s family, not mine. And he made it clear that I wasn’t welcome when he kicked me out.”
“Jesus,” Lulu mutters. “He really fucked up. We haven’t seen him since before it all went down. He kind of became a hermit. Rome said that he didn’t live here, he moved into a shitty apartment in his building.”
“Luke said that Julian went a little mad,” Scarlett adds. “He was beside himself. So angry and frustrated.”
“Sad,” Lulu adds. “Rome said he was grieving and hurt. He felt betrayed by you, Natasha.”
“That’s what he told me. That he doesn’t live with traitors. But I swear to you, I didn’t do anything. I wouldn’t do that.”
Lulu shakes her head with sympathy. When the girls first got here, I was convinced that they came because Julian had to run errands, but he still wanted me to be watched, so he brought in my friends to keep an eye on me.
But the more we’ve talked, the more I realize that they really missed me.
And I missed them too.
I just don’t know how much I can trust them.
“I hate how your light has been snuffed out,” Lulu says softly, and tears fill her eyes.
She sniffs as she watches me, and then a tear glides down her cheek.
“You look so . . . sad. Something must have happened to make him act the way he did, Natasha. Because I can fucking guarantee you that the man loves you.”
I bark out a laugh, the first one since before I got sick. “No, he definitely doesn’t love me. He just didn’t want me to die. There’s a difference.”
“He touches you and looks at you like he loves you,” Scarlett says. “Also, if you still don’t know why he kicked you out in the first place, you need to ask him.”
“A dutiful wife doesn’t ask questions,” I reply, my voice sounding hollow to my own ears. “She keeps quiet and does as she’s told.”
“Oh, fuck that sideways,” Lulu said, shaking her head. “Absolutely fucking not. That’s not how it works in this family.”
“I’m not a part of this family.” God, those words hurt.
Suddenly, both women are on my lounge chair, and I’m hugged between them.
“Don’t ever say that,” Scarlett says, with tears of her own. “You’re absolutely part of this family. Julian fucked up so bad, but don’t punish all of us for it. Lu and I didn’t have anything to do with it.”
All I’ve ever wanted in my life was to be included, to feel loved and be part of a close family. My parents are assholes and treated me like shit.
But this, these women, is where I was finally starting to feel like I fit in.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I finally say and pat them gingerly on the back.
“And it wasn’t my fault. But you need to understand that he made me feel like I didn’t deserve the friendships, or the life I was starting to carve out here.
He just shut it all down and discarded me like I could be replaced with the snap of his fingers. ”
“We tried to find you,” Lu says and sweeps my hair back from my face, then wipes her thumb over my cheek, brushing away tears I didn’t realize were falling. “Scar and I learned some hacking tricks, and we tried to find your phone, but it was dead or turned off, and we couldn’t locate you.”
“We sent hundreds of messages,” Scarlett adds. “Tried to call. It was so damn frustrating. We would have helped you.”
Now that the tears have started, for the first time since I woke up with the fever finally gone, I can’t make them stop. I finally break and tell them everything because I need them.
“I don’t know what to do,” I say at last. “This was an arranged marriage. It’s not real.
I knew that from the beginning, but I let myself fall in love with all of you.
I let myself fit in for the first time in my life, and I was finally finding my voice.
I was so happy. I had everything I ever wanted, and I’m not talking about money. ”
“Trust me, I totally understand,” Lu says with an encouraging nod.
“Same,” Scarlett agrees.
“And then I had that fucking lunch with my father, and he made me question everything. He broke me down, verbally beat me back into that quiet, mousy woman who does what she’s told. Who stays quiet.”
“Oh, sweetie,” Lulu says, brushing her fingers through my hair softly.
“And when I got back here that day, I just wanted my husband. Because my dad had told me that Julian would eventually toss me away when he was finished with me, and all kinds of shit that I would have sworn were lies just said to hurt me. I wanted to tell Julian about it and have him hug me and reassure me.”
I swallow hard and take a breath because I’m crying and talking at the same time, and it’s not easy.
“But his face.” The last word is said on a shaky whisper.
“He was so cold. So fucking angry. The Mafia king was back, and my husband was long gone. He told me I no longer lived here, warned me he’d kill me if he ever saw me again.
When I fell, I broke my wrist, but he didn’t pause long enough for me to speak or cry, or anything. And then I was taken away.”
I’m a blubbering, snotty mess. I can’t even get the rest of the story out. I can’t tell them about the sleazy motel, or hurting my hand. Those delirious days of being so sick, I didn’t know reality from dreams.
And finally, when the tears have slowed down, Scarlett wipes my face with her shirt and kisses my cheek.
“We’re right here,” she says softly. “No matter what.”
“Always,” Lu agrees. “Elliott found you?”
“Yeah. Fuck, I was scared. And so sick. I didn’t think he followed me back to where I was staying, but he must have. I don’t really remember much after that.”
“Thank fuck they found you.” Lu and Scarlett hug me, and we sit like this for a long time, snuggled up together, watching the breeze blow through the flowers and the birds flit around.
“How are your hands healing up?” Scarlett asks.
“The cut is doing much better. It should be pretty much normal in another week or so. But the wrist is going to take some time. Thankfully, I didn’t need surgery.”
“Are you able to use them at all?” Lu asks.
“Just well enough to get by. And let me tell you, it’s annoying. Julian had to feed me for days. Finally, I can hold my own utensils.”
“I’m going to say this one more time, and then I’ll leave it be,” Lu says. “You need to talk to your husband about what happened. If you still don’t know why he did what he did, ask him. He owes you answers.”
I nod, agreeing with her.
“I have to find my voice again.”
“It’s still there,” Scarlett reminds me. “You just need to use it.”
An hour later, after we’ve talked about other things, and actually napped for a bit, we’re in the kitchen snacking on fruit when Julian walks into the room, followed by Rome and Luke, who each make a beeline for their girls.
It’s adorable, really. How those big, scary guys dote on their women.
Julian’s eyes are pinned to mine as he stalks toward me, but he doesn’t touch me. His hands bunch into fists, and I decide to take pity on him and open my arms for a hug.
Without hesitation, he presses his lips to my forehead and hugs me against him.
“How was your afternoon, Angel?”
“Fun, actually.” I glance at the girls, and we share a smile. Then, I look at their men. “Hi, guys.”
“It’s good to see you,” Luke says, and Scarlett beams up at him.
“You look much better since the last time I saw you,” Rome says with a wink. “Welcome back, Natasha.”
“Um, thanks.” I offer him a smile, and then to my horror, I yawn. “I’m so sorry, it’s not the company.”
“Yes it is, they’re boring as fuck,” Julian says with a smug grin. “My girl is tired, guys.”
“That’s our cue,” Rome says as he kisses Lu’s neck. “Let’s go home, Firefly.”
The girls hug me once more, and then the four of them head out, and I’m left with my husband.
I want the affection back. I want to pretend the past month didn’t happen.
“Do you want to nap?” Julian asks softly.
“No, I’m going to try to stay up until a normal bedtime.”
“It’s okay to rest.”
I press my lips together and lean back in my chair so I can look up at him. “We need to talk.”
His brow furrows, and then he nods and stands back, not touching me as I push off the stool and stride into the living room, where I lower myself onto the couch and fold my legs under me. Julian sits on a chair across from me.
He’s so far away.
Use your voice, Natasha.
“I like it when you sit next to me.”
With a surprised lift of his eyebrow, he crosses to me and sits just a foot away, facing me. I adjust myself so I’m facing him as well, my crossed legs resting against his shin. If he wanted to, he could lean in and press his lips to mine.
Julian rests his arm on the back of the couch, and his fingers ghost over the ball of my shoulder.
“Let’s talk, Angel.”
With a nod, I lick my lips and dive right into the deep end.
“What happened?”
He frowns down at me, so I elaborate.
“That day when—” I have to swallow and press my lips together.
“What did I do that you thought was a betrayal? I know I met my father for lunch. He texted me the day before, when I was with the girls, and demanded that I meet him. I didn’t see you at all because you’d been working, and I was trying to be strong and handle it on my own.
You shouldn’t have to fight all of my battles for me. ”
“Christ,” he mutters and rubs his hand through his hair.
Should I stop talking?
Feeling brave, I keep going.
“I wanted to talk to you before I got there because I was scared, and I could have used some encouragement, but you hadn’t replied to my texts, and I didn’t want to distract you and put you in danger.”
His jaw firms, but his fingers are still gentle on my skin.
“It was not a good lunch.”
“I know,” he says at last, and I blink in surprise.
“You do?”
“Yes. I heard every fucking word.”
My stomach drops. “Wait, you heard what he said, and you still—”
“No, I didn’t hear it until the day I found you.” His face is ashen as he starts to lay it all out for me. How he suspected there was a traitor in his organization, like he’d told me. How my necklace lit up when he scanned it.
My necklace.
And everything else that happened until the day Elliott found me in that pharmacy.
When he’s finished with his story, I’m crying again. Because all of this was a fucking misunderstanding?
“Where’s my necklace now?”
“In my office. I scrambled the feed to your father, and I can have it fixed for you, if you want.”
“I don’t want it. I want you to throw it away. Julian, you didn’t even ask me to explain myself. You just assumed—”
“You’re right. I did. Natasha, the evidence was pretty fucking damning.
It all pointed to you putting my entire family and organization at risk.
Men that I respected and who put their lives on the line for me were killed because of information that only you could have been privy to.
I don’t tolerate betrayal from anyone. And I was hurt, okay?
It fucked with my head that the woman I was falling for could have double-crossed me because I don’t let my guard down like that.
I don’t let anyone in. My circle is real fucking small, so when I thought that the most important part of that circle had betrayed me, I—”
“You freaked out,” I finish for him.
His shoulders sag.
“Yeah, I fucking freaked out. And I hurt you, and fuck, baby, that’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life.
I’m ashamed, and the guilt has me by the throat.
I’m a Mafia boss. I’m a ruthless piece of shit, and I’m not a good person.
Except when it comes to you. And what I put you through fucking kills me.
I will never get over how you looked lying in that fucking room, so damn sick and small and practically dying. ”
“I wished for death often,” I admit with a small voice. “Because it would have been better than living without you.”
Finally, Julian gently tugs me into his lap, careful of my hands, and lies back so we’re snuggled up together on the couch, and this is exactly what I need.
“Please don’t ever say that again.” His voice is rough with emotion. “I’m so fucking sorry for everything that happened, and I will do whatever you need me to do to show you that I will protect you and never let anything like that happen again.”
I sigh, letting myself sink into him and soak up his warmth, his amazing scent. His arms feel so damn good around me.
“What do you need me to do, baby?”
“I think it’ll just take time. I trusted you so completely. You weren’t the only one falling, Julian. I finally had a home. A family. And in the blink of an eye, it was just yanked out from under me.”
He cups my face and brushes his nose over mine.
“You have a home and a family, and I’ll give you anything you want to show you how much I—”
He closes his eyes and clears his throat, and I don’t even breathe, waiting for him to finish that sentence.
“I love you,” he finally says.
I simply stare at him, unable to speak.
“I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did if I wasn’t in love with you.
If I didn’t feel like I’d given you my heart, and you’d set it on fire in front of me.
It wasn’t simply that I felt betrayed, I was destroyed, and I didn’t know how to handle it because I’ve never felt the way I feel about you. You’re my life, Natasha.”
I want to say the words back. I want to so, so badly. Because I do love him, and now I understand what happened.
I don’t agree with it. I definitely don’t like it.
But I understand.
“I need you to know that if anything even close were to happen again, I won’t come back to you. I wouldn’t be able to do it again.”
He’s peppering kisses all over my face. “I’ll kill myself before I ever hurt you again, Angel.”
“I promise you, I will never betray you or your organization. I’m loyal to you. You never have to question that. If something is amiss, just ask me, Julian. I’m not a liar.”
“I can’t promise that I’ll tell you whatever I can when it comes to my business. You won’t want to know everything, and I can’t put you at risk legally. But I will be open with you. You’ll have the same access that my brothers have, and that’s a big step for me. Even Jack doesn’t have that, baby.”
“Thank you.” I nuzzle my face into his neck and take the first deep breath in a month.