Chapter 18
ONYX
I nuzzled into warmth. Hair tickled my face. I groaned, smoothed it down, and tried to drop back down into the delicious dream I was having. Until my eyes flew open. I shot up, looking around wildly. This was my room. My bed.
So what the hell was Lucero doing in it?
I stared at him for a long time. Last night came back to me in snippets, and I groaned under my breath. Right, he'd asked to stay in bed with me. And I had been way too dick drunk to say no. As I stared at him, my stomach tightened. I reached over, dragging my fingers down the side of his face.
Lucero was a moron, but he was growing on me. Like a fungus. Maybe beneficial, but it was hard as fuck to get him off.
My fingers ran down his throat, over his chest, down his round, soft belly.
I sucked in a breath as I kept going, my fingers touching every inch of him while he slept.
He was so vulnerable with me, but I had to wonder how much of him I didn't see.
Lucero was a different person when we were together.
What was his past like? How was he when I wasn't in the room?
Why do you care?
My hand faltered. I frowned. Why did I care? This was a temporary situation. It was a fantasy. Eventually the reality would shatter and things would go back to the normal that I knew. I drew my fingers away.
Lucero whimpered.
I went right back to touching him.
Buzzing filled the room. My heart hammered in my chest, and I yanked my hand away like I had gotten caught doing something wrong.
I scrambled off the side of the bed and found my phone on the floor.
I wasn't even sure when or how it had gotten there, but I really didn't care.
Snatching it up, I pressed the phone to my ear before I slipped out of the bedroom and into my office.
"Hello?" Cara called.
"Sorry, Cara. I couldn't hear you," I lied. "What's up?"
"There you are! What is going on?"
I frowned as I sat in my computer chair. "What do you mean?"
"What do I mean? You haven't reported in on the last mark. I had to see it on the news that he was down. And you haven't asked me about another assignment either. Are you done?" she asked.
My body felt hot as she asked the question. Embarrassment blanketed me. I had one goal and one alone. And I couldn't stop because I was playing house with an overgrown golden retriever with jealousy issues.
"Onyx?"
"I hear you," I said. "Sorry. Things have been a little hectic, but I'm getting back to work."
"Good. You need to remember why you're doing this," she stressed. "If you're serious, if you're still committed to the cause, then go see Adam today. Remember why you're doing this. Why we're both doing this."
My shoulders slumped. She's right. I'm such a piece of shit. What am I doing?
"Yeah," I said, the sound choked as it came out. "Yeah," I said again, clearing my throat and making it sound more resolute. "I'll do that."
Cara was quiet for a moment. "Call me when you're ready," she said, her voice softening. "If you want to stop, then you let me know. However, if you're losing focus, I'll be there to aim you every single time."
"Thank you."
"I love you, Onyx."
I swallowed deeply. "I love you too."
When I hung up, I dropped my head into my hands. Cara and I had been friends forever, but we both had backgrounds that dictated this job had to continue. She was just as invested as I was.
A knock on the bookcase made my heart leap out of my chest. It could only be Lucero. He knew how to get in, but he didn't come barging through the door. Just waited.
So obedient.
A smile tugged at my lips despite the stone in my chest. I stood up and opened the door before walking out.
His hair was a wild mess, and he was at least wearing boxers while I was still stark naked.
His eyes darted down, and I laughed at the hunger in his eyes. Lucero handed me a mug filled with tea.
"I'm making breakfast."
"Mm." I nodded as I sipped my perfectly balanced tea. "I could eat."
Lucero smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners like his mother's. "Good. I'll make something good for you."
"You always do," I said as I followed him to the kitchen.
Despite the guilt in my gut, I lingered. Watching Lucero cook was an experience. Usually food just appeared like I was a princess in a magical castle, but to see him actually multitask, his hands and feet moving elegantly as he crafted our breakfast, I was mesmerized.
"Breakfast," he said as he placed a plate of sunny-side up eggs, chewy bacon, and crunchy toast on the counter.
"It's simpler than usual." He frowned as he pulled out fruit and yogurt for me.
"But after last night's heavy dessert eating, I thought something light would help your stomach.
You tend to get sick when you eat too heavy for too many days in a row. "
I blinked and touched my belly. "How do you know that?"
He smiled. "I watch you every day. And I write it down. That way I can remember when to switch things up."
My brow furrowed. "Where do you write this down?"
Lucero's lips snapped shut. "Nowhere."
I glared. "Lucero."
"None of your business!" he said, panic showing on his face now.
I almost burst out laughing. He was obedient to a fault until it was something embarrassing.
And that meant it was very embarrassing.
I fully planned to go searching for where he kept that list. His phone had stayed on the counter, not snatched into his big hands like he'd done with the photos, so it wasn't there.
Somewhere physical then. A notebook. Maybe even a journal. Oooh, new mission.
Thinking of missions snatched the smile right off my face. Right. I have to focus. I started to eat before I tried to choose my words carefully.
"I have some errands to run today," I said.
Lucero smiled. "I'll go with you!"
"No!"
The smile on his face shattered. I scrambled for straws and tried to think of what I could say.
"Not because I don't want you to, but this errand is private. You can not follow me, okay?"
He frowned. "Are you going to see a client? I can help you."
"What I'm doing is my business."
"Husbands don't have their own business."
I stared at him. "Well, I do. If you follow me, if you have one of your brothers follow me or one of your men or anyone, I will have to punish you and it won't be in a way you enjoy. That I can promise you."
Lucero seemed to understand that. He nodded hard. I laid a hand on his cheek to stop it.
"You're going to hurt yourself," I muttered.
He leaned into my palm. "Do you want me to hurt myself?"
My entire body took a screenshot.
Shit. How could I not keep climbing on his dick when he asked questions like that. Do you want me to hurt myself? Yes, I wanted to see that. Wanted to watch as he toyed with himself, hurt himself, fucked himself for me. All for me.
My chest squeezed. I ran my hand down his chest and then yanked my fingers away as if I had been burned. I had to stop. Had to be careful.
"Go to work," I said. "We can have dinner tonight."
Lucero lit up. "Really?"
I nodded. "Yes, and don't bother cooking. I'll pick something up on the way home." When he smiled and gave me that crazy look as if it meant something more than it did, I held up a hand. "I'm doing this because you've been behaving. And if you don't follow me then I guess you deserve a treat."
He grinned at me. "Yes, Onyx."
I glared. "Stop it."
"I didn't do anything."
He was saying that, but the look on his face was like he had a secret and he knew what was really going on. If I could reach him, I would put his head in the kitchen sink, turn on the water, and drown him. Instead, I sighed and pushed my fingers through my hair.
"I'm going to go get dressed and leave before I kill you."
"You don't mean that."
I made quick work of putting on a simple outfit. I snatched up my wallet. "I do!" I called before I slammed the door behind me.
The door opened. "I love you!"
I shoved my finger up in the air, and tried to wipe the stupid smile off my face.
********************
Adam's door was locked. When I tried to open it, it didn’t budge.
"Adam?" I called, my fist banging a little harder as my heart tripped. "Hey, you home?"
What was I asking? He was always home. My brother didn't leave the house. Ever. So if he was gone…
No, I didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to dream up scenarios where he was sick in there or at the hospital again or…
You know he's not dead. He can't be. No, someone would have called me by now.
"Adam? Adam!" I called, my heart racing as I hammered against the door. "Please, please open up!"
The door cracked. Adam's eye filled the space, the chain still connected. I sucked in a breath, relief flooding me as I saw him.
"Hey," I said. "What's wrong? Let me in." I lifted the bag in my hand. "I brought take out and groceries."
"Leave them," he muttered.
I frowned. "Why?"
"I said leave them, Louis."
My heart throbbed. I laid a hand on the door, trying to see more of him, but all I could see was that eye.
"You're not… you're not hurting yourself, right?" I whispered.
I jumped as the door slammed in my face. My heart hammered harder, pulse racing as I stood there and stared at his door. He was getting bad again. When he was like this, it was a toss up of whether I should leave him alone and let him regulate, or I would get a call soon. There was no in between.
"Adam, please," I begged. "You don't text me back. Don't answer my calls. Please let me in."
The door opened more. When I could see a part of him, the chain now off, I quickly assessed him. My eyes swept up and down his body, taking in every inch as quickly as I could. Adam closed the door a little more.
"That's why I don't want you here," he snapped. "Did I ask you to look at me? No. But you're going to sit here and give me that fucking look of pity while you think about how big of a burden I am. I don't need that. Leave me alone."
I blinked. "I never said you were a burden…"
"You don't have to!" he screamed. "It's on your face. And then you show up less and less?—."
"I know," I whispered, each word like a physical blow to my chest from his lips to my brain. "Things have been busy and I have?—"
"Yeah, I know. A husband. So you've said. And have I met him? Do I get to speak to anyone you know?"
I shuffled from one foot to the other. "You don't like people," I said honestly.
Adam scoffed. "Please, that's not why you don't bring him around. It's because you're embarrassed of me. Your big bro, the fucking recluse. The weirdo. The one that can't even leave his own fucking house."
When his voice cracked, I broke. I shoved into the apartment and wrapped him in a hug. Even when he tried to yank free, I refused to let go. I loved him. I loved him more than I had ever loved myself.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm the worst. I'm so sorry."
"Don't," Adam choked out, his voice cracking. "Don't do that."
"I'm sorry."
Adam was stiff as I held him. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around me. We stood there for a long time, just sitting in that cloud of anger and hurt.
Who really needs who? Clearly I need him more.
It was selfish. Adam probably would have let go ages ago, but I couldn't imagine my life without him. Couldn't stand the thought of not having him in my life. He’s the last fragment of my family that I still gave a fuck about.
"Move in with me," I said for the hundredth time.
"No."
The word was final, as if he didn't even have to think about it. When I pulled back, I stared at him. His face was impassive, but I saw the redness that lined his eyes.
"Why?" I asked.
"You have a life of your own, Louis," he said finally.
My throat worked. “Yeah,” I whispered. “I know.”
"Then stop asking me," he said shortly before he turned away. "Bring the food in. Something's going to crawl into the bag or something."
I nodded and moved mechanically to the door. Grabbing the bags, I let myself inside.
This is why I need to focus. No more distractions. No more games. The mission comes first. Always.
I would make sure of that. For Adam. For myself.
For everyone that was owed justice from the fucked-up world.