14. Sasha
SASHA
N adia’s and Nicholas’s deaths hit me hard.
It felt like the massacre all over again. Their bodies in all that blood was a cruel reminder of my parents, my cousin, and everyone who left me forever.
I’m not even close to dealing with that, but just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, they dramatically have.
After Viktor picked us up from the cottage, it took us almost a day to arrive at the base since they couldn’t deploy a helicopter.
That’s when we were hit by one piece of devastating news after the other.
Rulan and his entire unit were wiped out.
Viktor lost two men, and a few others were wounded.
The general atmosphere at the base is so tense and thick, it could be cut with a knife.
A depressive mood worse than mine hardens the men’s expressions and ages them beyond their years.
When I was out there during the mission, all I thought about was eliminating targets. I chose not to think about the scattered remains of our men in the snow.
Or the blood.
Or the pain that would cause.
Now, however, all the emotions hit me in one go. It’s excruciating and surreal to think we lost people I used to eat, train, and play football with.
Most were young, ambitious, and had their entire future ahead of them.
Rulan…the man with furious loyalty and a headstrong personality, is gone. For good.
I cast a glance at Kirill, who’s striding to where the wounded are with Viktor. He doesn’t stop to change his clothes or to answer to the higher-ups who must be waiting for a report on the mission. He chose his men.
His expression remains neutral, collected, and absolutely undisturbed as he pats one soldier on the shoulder and nods at another.
Either he’s unfeeling or a man of steel who’s not familiar with the concept of emotions. It’s why he could be so detached from Nadia’s and Nicholas’s deaths.
It’s also why he could keep a cool head while receiving the news of his men’s deaths.
It’s precisely why he’s the captain. No one else but him would be able to pull what remains of the unit together.
“Sasha!”
I whirl around just in time to be engulfed in a bro hug. I wrap my arm around Maksim’s back and wince when he squeezes my bad shoulder.
He steps back. “What is it? You okay?”
“Just a little gunshot wound.” I roll my arm. “I’m good as new, though.”
“Jesus, man. I thought we’d lost you and the captain.”
We both turn to where I think he disappeared to around the corner. My breath catches when I’m caught in his suffocating attention.
Kirill stands there for a beat, eyes cold, hooded, and full of contempt. The expression disappears as soon as it appeared, and then he rounds the corner.
My heart, however, doesn’t slow or calm down. If I said it was only because of the look just now, that would be a lie.
I’ve been this fidgety and out of sorts ever since he let me hug him in the cottage yesterday. He didn’t physically comfort me, but his presence was enough to create a sense of safety.
It’s how I managed to pull myself together and abandon the suicidal thought of throwing myself into a dangerous situation.
He didn’t need to say anything or to even touch me.
Just the feel of his hard muscles and steady heartbeat were enough to silence the demons inside me.
I was relying on myself for years and that entailed burying my emotions and struggling to survive.
I got so used to that feeling until that small moment when he let me hug him.
Having someone there for a change was dangerously addictive.
“Earth to Sasha.” Maksim snaps his fingers in front of my face, and I blink.
“Yeah?”
“What made you zone out like that?” He steps closer and makes a tour around me. “Did you hit your head?”
I playfully smack him on the side of his arm. “Maybe you did.”
“Nah. I’m as good as the devil.” He smiles, but there isn’t that usual carefree energy behind it.
If someone like Maksim is this affected, then there’s no hope for the rest of us.
“I’m sorry about Rulan and the others,” I whisper low, as if I’m scared he’ll hear me.
“Why would you be? You didn’t kill them.”
“No, but I know how close you guys were… I got so used to him and I didn’t even know him for long.”
“He was just a clown.” His shoulders droop. “To think we were singing so casually the night before his death, having no fucking clue what was waiting for us.”
“Maks…”
“He went with honor.” He nods as if to himself. “He saved a kid by covering him with his body because he was a responsible fucker.”
I squeeze his shoulder and he inhales shakily. I wish I could tell him it’s okay to cry or scream or do whatever necessary to express his grief, but these men are backward and would see it as a weakness.
“Anyway.” He raises an imaginary glass. “I promise to live all the years he couldn’t, singing for both of us.”
I clink my imaginary glass against his. “I’ll join.”
“That’s my man!”
“Where’s Yuri?” I ask, casting a glance at my surroundings.
“He got his hand fucked up.” Maksim wraps an arm around my shoulder and leads me down the hall.
Soon after, we arrive at a room where a few soldiers are lying on beds, some with bandages, others with casts. It’s a gruesome view of the aftermath of violence.
Near the window, I spot Yuri’s frame, facing away from us, his bandaged hand hanging limply at his side.
We slowly approach him, but the moment we’re within reach, Maksim all but slaps him on the nape. “Yo, fucker, look who’s back!”
Yuri turns around with every intention of smacking his friend into oblivion, but he stops upon seeing me.
“Sasha!”
I’m the one who gives him a bro hug this time and resist the urge to linger for a bit too long.
I’m just so thankful they’re both alive and well.
I’m already fragile, and if anything had happened to them, too, I wouldn’t know how to survive it.
Rulan and his men’s deaths are affecting me enough as it is.
While Maksim is the heart of the party, Yuri is the soul. His face is classically handsome. Dark blonde hair, a square jaw, and a set of familiar, welcoming eyes. It always feels as if we met in a previous life.
“He hurt his shoulder.” Maksim points a thumb at me, then juts his chin in Yuri’s direction. “You injured your hand, but I’m as good as new.”
Yuri slams his whole palm into Maksim’s face and pushes him away. Then he pulls out a chair for me before he sits on the bed. “Let’s talk like grown-ups without this spoilsport between us.”
“You damn traitor! Are you exchanging me this easily?” Maksim headlocks him and hits him teasingly.
A faint smile paints my lips and grows the more I watch them. They’re a better distraction than the chaos in my head.
Yuri swats Maksim away as if he’s nothing more than a fly and focuses on me. “What happened with you and Captain? How come you went missing for days?”
“When I got shot, Ki…I mean, Captain took me to a small village where we remained in hiding until I got better. We would’ve come sooner, but there was a storm.”
“No wonder we couldn’t get a signal.” Maksim places both his hands on the mattress and leans against them. “Viktor was going berserk trying to locate the boss. I’m glad you’re back, but Captain won’t have it easy.”
I lean closer in my chair. “What do you mean?”
“He’s with the higher-ups now, who will, without a doubt, put the blame on him for the mission’s failure, when it’s clear that it was plotted all along. It doesn’t matter what he might have done, he was set up for failure from the get-go. Those stupid fuckers planned all this.”
“Shut it.” Yuri kicks his friend in the shin, and the latter howls.
“What the fuck was that for? I’m telling the truth here. Sasha deserves to know why he took that bullet.”
I stare between them, grabbing for a sliver of information. “What’s going on?”
“Remember the fat man who came on the day of the mission?” Maksim asks.
“Captain’s father?”
“That’s the one. He’s always wanted Boss back in New York and has been trying to get him to discharge from the military for years. Since he failed and most of us chose to stay with the boss, what do you think his next course of action would be?”
“Try to force him.”
He snaps his fingers. “Exactly.”
“We don’t know for sure.” Yuri lowers his voice. “But it’s true that the old boss met the captain’s commandants prior to leaving.”
“In our line of work, we don’t believe in coincidences,” Maksim supplies.
“Does…could the captain share the same suspicions?” I ask.
“I’m sure he does.” Yuri’s brows draw together. “If we thought of this after the mission, then he must’ve figured it out during. It’s probably why he was hesitant about sending the units to that warehouse.”
Shit.
If that’s the case, and he was sabotaged by his own father, then how can he stay that calm? Just what type of steel is Kirill Morozov made of?
Maksim changes the subject to focus on me, and I realize they’re trying to escape the reality they find themselves in and whatever the future holds for them.
Omitting the husband and wife roles Kirill and I played, I tell them about Nadia and Nicholas while fighting tears.
“It’s a miracle they accepted soldiers in their house,” Yuri says. “Most villagers have a distaste toward us.”
“Uh, the captain stole civilian clothes, and we pretended that we were attacked by soldiers.”
“Smart.” Maksim grins. “As expected of Captain.”
Yuri nods in agreement. “Point is, you came back safe and sound.”
I’m not so sure about that. It feels as if something has been missing since I saw the blood and the old couple’s corpses. A part of me has remained in their house and refuses to return.
That part of me is so riddled with grief, it’s impossible to chase away the red haze that’s been turning my vision hazy.
So I choose to focus on Maksim and Yuri, still feeling grateful that they’re safe. I don’t know how I would’ve dealt with all this if something had happened to them.
Soon after, the others join in and we catch up on the mission and the aftermath.