Chapter 5
FIVE
VIC
Ihold the letter with trembling fingers, quickly noticing it is from the college I applied to not long ago, but now it seems more like a lifetime ago.
The green insignia etched along the stark white envelope of the esteemed medical school lies heavy in my palm, or perhaps it’s just that it holds the weight of my future, with the potential to crush it all.
I notice it's thicker than I would expect, giving me a moment’s pause to feel hopeful.
My breathing quickens in anticipation as I mentally prepare to read their decision.
It would be thinner if it was a rejection letter, because brevity can be cruel and concise, needing only a few words to strike you down.
I tear at the folded edge, and the paper rips as the envelope flutters to the floor. I inhale deeply, bracing myself, before scanning the words on the page, but my heart stops when I read the first word.
“Congratulations,” I say aloud and then stop reading.
My world stills, and my knees threaten to buckle.
The room tilts slightly, but I force myself to refocus.
I blink, as if the acceptance letter might disappear or their typed words rearrange to announce my rejection from the school instead, because I just cannot believe the words written in bold lettering before me.
I throw my hands on top of my head with the letter still clutched firmly between my fingers.
Leaning over, I let out my breath in a long, ragged sigh.
Still clutching the letter like a lifeline, my grin spreads wider and wider as I force myself to read the acceptance letter in its entirety.
All I can think of is that I can’t wait to tell Dani.
With that realization, I bolt out the door, letting it slam shut behind me.
I race across the short distance to her house next door.
I’m banging on the door before I stop moving, bouncing on the balls of my feet in feverish anticipation.
I’m laughing manically because, despite all I have endured, I did it.
I really fuckin’ did it. I am finally going to make my dreams come true.
I hear footsteps approaching, and I lean forward, ready to take her in my arms. I can already picture how this will go.
She gets accepted, she throws her arms around me, and we celebrate.
The door creaks open, and when she steps through the doorway, I thrust my acceptance letter toward her with a huge grin.
Then I notice her face. Her eyes are red and puffy.
Her skin is blotchy, like she’s been crying.
My letter drops to the floor forgotten as I bring her into my arms.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Her sobs are the only thing I hear shattering the silence as she clings to my hoodie.
She fists the fabric and pulls me closer to her as if she is trying to climb onto me.
Without thinking, I scoop her up, and she wraps her legs around my waist, latching onto me like she can’t get close enough, as she buries her face into the curve of my neck.
I feel the warmth of her wet tears and the hotness of her breath against my throat.
My breath quickens as the monster within threatens to annihilate whatever dared to hurt her.
I swallow the lump forming in my throat, thick with emotions flooding to the surface.
Only she has that power to thaw the ice encasing my heart in its cold, protective exterior after years of seeing the worst in humans, exposing the beast within that would tear apart the world for her, yet stills at the sound of her sobs.
I cradle her tightly, one arm under her thighs, and the other strokes her hair with soft, gentle movements.
I carry her through the house I know as well as my own, heading toward the worn couch that rests in the middle of the room.
I sink onto it, still holding her like a child, whispering soothing words.
“I’m here, baby. I’ve got you.” She doesn’t answer and starts crying harder. I press my lips to her temple, gently coaxing her to tell me what’s wrong. “Talk to me. Please, tell me what happened, Dani.”
I wait patiently for her to speak. As her breathing becomes regular and the sobs abate into quiet shudders, I notice a tray smeared with ash. A half-charred Dartmouth envelope sits next to the ash alongside a lighter. It’s as if it didn’t finish burning, but the letter inside did.
I shut my eyes as the realization washes over me.
And just like that, the joy I felt about my own acceptance slips away.
Now, all I feel is a sense of sadness, and something far worse—loss.
I’m filled with the weirdest feeling, a premonition that this is the instance where everything changes, so I need to stay and be there for her, just as she was for me, because if I don’t, my future is uncertain when it comes to her.
I pull her closer to me, not wanting to ever let her go.
I would stop time if I could, so that we could live in the moment forever with her in my arms and not me moving to the East Coast, so far away.
Unfortunately, we need to have a conversation about our future.
I want her to understand that I will stay with her here. I will choose her.
I tilt her chin upward, imploring her to look me in the eyes, conveying all my thoughts.
Instead, she drops her gaze downward, severing our connection.
Something cold settles in the pit of my stomach.
An unease I’ve never felt before from Dani makes me want to throw up my breakfast because I don’t want to hear her say those words.
“I’m not going without you,” I say resolutely, holding her by the shoulders as she averts her eyes. She shakes her head in protest, her body stiffening as I hold onto her before she returns my stare.
“Vic,” she whispers, lifting her hand to my face and brushing my cheek with a tenderness that feels more like a farewell.
Her fingers tremble as if she’s trying to memorize me, knowing it might be the last time.
I lean into her touch, letting her warmth seep into the coldness that is overtaking my body like a biting frost against my humanity.
She is the balm that soothes my soul, and without her, I’m afraid of what I am.
She has been my anchor after my mom died, and the only constant in my life, since the incident with my father.
That’s what we refer to it as “the incident,” so that we never speak of what happened again or bring up his name.
She opens her eyes, and with fierce determination, her words cut me like a knife.
“You’re going to Dartmouth,” she says, as if it’s the only choice.
We both know that's bullshit. I shake my head, fast and desperate, pleading with her. But she grabs my head, stilling it as I squeeze my eyes closed, refusing even to entertain the thought of leaving her behind. She’s my everything.
Doesn’t she even realize? There is no me without her.