Twenty-Four
Simone
“You’re disgusted,” Rubin said.
I shifted my gaze over to him. We were back in the warden’s office, and I had thrown myself into creating the inventory.
Ignoring his statement, I lifted my notepad.
“This isn’t complete, but it’s a good start.
At some point I want to take a look at other potential areas for storage.
But based on the calculations now, we have about eight more days of rations. ”
I extended my arm with the notebook to Rubin. He reached forward, and I thought he was going to grab the paper.
He didn’t.
He pulled it from my fingers and then wrapped his hand around my wrist and pulled me closer. He tossed the notepad to the side. I heard the papers flutter and then land on the ground. But that sound barely registered. Too much of me—all of me, in fact—was preoccupied with Rubin.
He held my gaze, looked at me with an intensity that bordered on a caress. “You’re disgusted,” he repeated.
“Why do you keep saying that, Rubin? Because you amputated his hand over canned goods? Is that why you think I’d be disgusted?” I asked.
“All that blood. The screams,” his eyes narrowed dangerously, “the needless death. You don’t think that’s reason enough?”
He hummed with anticipation of my answer. I refused to give him the satisfaction of my fear. “Answering a question with a question, Rubin?” I said.
“What’s your answer, Simone?” His voice was edged with ice.
I still refused to engage. “Disgusted? No. And I probably should be. After all, what you did is disgusting.”
I studied him, seeing if he would react, but it was his turn for a nonchalant shrug. His fingers were still wrapped around my wrist, his touch heavy, almost burning.
“You think you’re hardened,” he said.
I arched a brow. “Don’t you?”
“A question with a question, Simone. Of course you’re hardened. If you weren’t, you would have fallen apart by now,” he said.
“Why? ’Cause I’m a woman?”
He shook his head. “No. Because it’s the end of the world. More of an excuse than anybody ever needed. But you’re taking it like it’s nothing,” he said.
“You don’t seem to be falling apart either.”
“That’s because I can’t. I fall apart, and who steps into the breach?” he said.
“The COs, the warden. Everybody fends for themselves.”
“Yeah. A nice thought, but I’m the krye. The boss. This is my responsibility. The end of the world doesn’t change that.”
“Why are you telling me all this?” I asked, looking at him.
Truthfully, I appreciated him talking to me.
I wasn’t exactly sure why. But then I landed on something.
When Rubin spoke to me, it was with honesty, no pretense.
That was rare and valuable. It had nothing to do with me.
Rubin was honest with everyone, but it still meant something. Something I appreciated.
Something I betrayed.
I pulled my hand away from Rubin’s at that thought and didn’t look at him.
“Ah, so just because you have to stay sane. That’s why you have to…” I trailed off.
He held his gaze on mine. “Absolutely. There’s no other option.”
I had taken a step away, but he was close to me now. His face inches from mine. I stayed frozen, wanting him to move closer, unwilling to move until he told me to. It was pathetic, really. But as dangerous as this was, as insane as Rubin was, as much as he hated me… I couldn’t deny the relief.
How…safe I felt with him.
A lie, one of the worst lies, but I felt it nonetheless.
And it scared me to my core.
Even though I wasn’t looking, I felt Rubin approach. His touch was a soothing balm even though it should have been the opposite. I leaned into him ever so slightly, and in the space of a breath, he had those stupid uniform pants down and his cock inside me.
The shock of his intrusion melted into something I couldn’t name.
I couldn’t even let myself try to name it because it didn’t matter.
All that mattered now was Rubin, what he made me feel. What he kept me from feeling.
Instead I took what he gave and let Rubin fuck me against the wall, hard, deep, rhythmless, and craved every stroke, because this was what mattered.
It had to be enough.