Chapter 30
Dinner is a quick affair.
The cooks prepared a pappardelle pasta smothered in a Bolognese sauce I would give up my firstborn child for, with mountains of fresh parmesan.
As hungry as I was, I wasn’t allowed to take my first bite until Ansaldo finished another one of his long-winded speeches to his congregation about loyalty and secrecy and whatever else he’s always on about.
I’ve been told I’m extremely rude when we’re at other people’s dinner tables and I start to eat before everyone’s gotten their plate, much less sat down and said grace, but my God the man tries my patience.
I sit all through dinner hating him. It’s one thing for him to force me to join the order; it’s another for him to be the sole reason I’m here in the first place.
Maybe Egypt wasn’t as unsafe as Cec said—Cec, who was an unknowing pawn in his father’s plan—and I could’ve gone home from Cairo after all.
I refuse to think that way, though. The God Men proved well enough on their own that nowhere was safe. All I can do is move forward.
Despite what lies ahead tomorrow, I don’t leave a single morsel of food on my plate.
After dinner is over—and no dessert in sight—Bes clears out of there before I can approach him; disappointment aches inside me. Cec, on the other hand, asks if he can accompany me back to my room.
When I walk through the threshold, my shoulders slump, and I don’t stop the sigh that releases from my throat. I’m exhausted, always so goddamn exhausted these days.
“It’s going to be alright.” Cec stands in the doorway while I light a few of the oil lamps and the candle at my beside. “Bes and I will be with you the entire time. Besides, we’re only looking for an art dealer. And though they can be a tad uppish, they’re mostly harmless.”
I scoff. “An art dealer who’s friends with Hitler is enough of a threat for me.”
When he doesn’t reply, I slump down on the edge of my bed. “I know I should be thinking about our covert mission right now, but I’m not.”
Cec chuckles, crossing his arms. “You and Bes are so alike sometimes, it’s frightening.”
I narrow my gaze. “In what way are Bes and I anything alike?”
“First, you’re both so bloody stubborn. And second, you don’t always have your priorities sorted.”
I stiffen. “You mean like using me as a distraction so he doesn’t have to think about his hatred for this place.”
He takes a step forward. “Now, see here—can I come in?”
I gesture around the empty room. “Of course.”
He steps inside. “Grand. Look, Hawkins, I’m not entirely sure what happened last night. All I heard was a lot of yelling, and then you shooting Bes down when he called you by your first name.”
He finds his way to the bed, and I help him sit down beside me, the mattress shifting with the added weight. “Bes might be my cousin, but even to me, he’s a cocoon of mystery. I’m worried he’s going to stay wrapped up inside himself and never get the chance to fly.”
I snort softly. “Did you just compare Bes to a butterfly?”
He straightens. “So what if I did. He’s majestic.”
“Bes the Majestic certainly has a ring to it,” I acknowledge.
“All I’m saying is, give the bloke a chance, eh? I’ve never seen Bes care about anyone the way he cares about you.”
I bite the inside of my lip at the loaded compliment. “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit there, Cec.”
“Good lord, I hope he doesn’t think of me that way; we’d have bigger problems,” he says, grinning. “Besides, he’s family—he has no choice but to care about me.”
“We both know from experience that’s not always true.”
He releases a sad, solitary laugh. “Fair enough.”
I rest my head on his shoulder, and he loops his arm around me, his touch comforting.
Why can’t I be attracted to Cec instead of Bes?
Cec is uncomplicated: he’s easy enough to read, doesn’t take anything too seriously, sweet but has no problem keeping up with my quick jabs.
By all accounts, I should be attracted to him.
And yet, what draws me to Bes is his complications. He’s kind too, in his own way. And though he doesn’t engage as much in the exchange of barbs as Cec does, I know it’s because he chooses not to, not because he’s incapable.
As much as I wish I could feel about Cec the way I do about Bes, I don’t. There’s an unquestionable pull towards Bes, one I’ve never experienced before and one I couldn’t explain if I tried. And I have no idea if I’ve pushed him away for good.
“Thanks for being here, Cec. And for agreeing to go along with my suicidal plan.” I remove my head from his shoulder, remaining close. “I don’t know where I’d be without you.”
“Not trapped in this place, apparently.”
I pull away to glare at him. “You know that’s not your fault. You were following your father’s orders after he purposefully hid his true intentions from you.”
He pinches his forehead. “And yet, I knew better than to have trusted him. I wanted so desperately to believe his intentions were good, I didn’t think through why he wanted you here. If I’d questioned—”
I place my hand over his. “Stop it. You can’t take the blame for your father’s decisions. I won’t allow it.”
He grins. “Only if you admit you overreacted last night.”
I groan. Why does he always have to be so damned insightful? “It’s… complicated.”
He gets to his feet slowly. “It’s not, actually. You have a temper and you’re a bit of a brat. And for some ungodly reason, Bes doesn’t seem to care about any of that. You fancy him, he fancies you. Why not go for it?”
I grimace at his words, and the ones I’m about to say. “First of all, that hurt my feelings. Second, I haven’t ‘gone for it’ because I don’t like opening myself up to people.” I breathe in sharply before my next words. “I—I want him too much. And it scares me.”
His lips tip up on one side. “Have you ever considered telling him how you feel?”
I roll my eyes. “You know, surprisingly, that has crossed my feeble mind.”
He grins. “Well, lucky for you, you’ll have plenty of opportunity to fruitlessly pine after him once you’re a part of the order.”
“Right. That.” My shoulders sink at the reminder.
“Are you sure there’s nothing you can do?
Despite the order’s blood-stained history and the blatant stealing of artifacts, I don’t mind sticking around to finish what I started.
It’s the tattooing of ancient powerful leaves into my skin and pledging the rest of my life to them that gives me pause. ”
“I wish there was, Hawkins, but it’s been decided.” He runs a hand through his wild hair. “You’ve already taken the blood oath, but my father won’t rest until there’s a Fiore back in the ranks. Even if you ran, they’d find you and bring you back here. Or they’d… take care of you.”
“Like they took care of my mother?”
His cheeks redden slightly. “Unfortunately, yes. She wasn’t the first, and she won’t be the last. You shouldn’t have to suffer her same fate.”
I clench the fabric of my pants between my fingers. “Well, we can agree on that, at least.”
“Get some rest, Hawkins.” He places a hand on my shoulder. “We’ve got a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”
I salute him. “Aye aye, captain.”
He shakes his head and shuts the door behind him as he leaves.
Grabbing the key from the bedside table, I make sure to lock the door.
I extinguish all the oil lamps, until the only light left is the half-melted candle beside the bed. Stripping down to my undergarments, I sift through my bag for one of the two vials I have left of my sleeping draft and crawl beneath the covers.
Before I send myself to oblivion, though, I think about what Cec said.
He was right: getting angry at Bes wasn’t rational—even in the moment, I knew it was wrong.
It doesn’t make what I felt at the time any less.
Not when I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of one of the few people who could break me.
He then called what we did nothing important, which he shouldn’t have said.
No matter if it was a lie in the name of forcing Cec to leave.
I can’t minimize my past feelings if they felt right at the time. Even if they feel wrong later. But, if they do, I need to apologize to whoever those feelings may have hurt. Another thing I’m terrible at.
I’m not sure when I’ll get the chance to talk to Bes about it—or if I’ll be ready when the opportunity presents itself again—but I can’t leave it the way I did.
Mind humming too loud, I down the contents, blow out the candle, and wait for sleep to take me.