29
BLOOM
L ogan’s rental idled in front of Dr. Simms’s private practice, and I stared at the brick building through the windshield, my stomach churning with unease. Logan was silent beside me, his hand resting on my knee as though he could transfer his steady calm through touch alone.
“I’m so glad you decided to do this,” Logan said softly. “And if you ever want me to be at one of your sessions, just say the word, and I’ll be there.”
Despite my hesitation at seeing Dr. Simms again, I smiled and nodded. Logan had seemed happier since I told him my decision to resume my sessions. He’d called Dr. Simms right away and made an appointment with me at his office. Dr. Simms had recommended that I see him through his private practice. Given his past with Logan and me, the hospital would have assigned me to work with another psychiatrist. The thought of starting over and deciding whether to trust another person was too exhausting.
If this made Logan happy, I could make this one compromise. At least I knew what to expect from Dr. Simms.
“I’ll walk you in.”
Logan came around to open the door for me. Ben had parked his car next to Logan’s with Gunner’s motorcycle beside it. Since Sarge had left Smoky Vale, Ben had taken up most of the work whenever we went out in public, specifically shadowing Logan.
“I keep telling you I can handle this on my own,” Ben said. He had the front of Gunner’s shirt clutched in his hand, but Gunner didn’t seem to mind. “You don’t have to come with me when I’m doing a job. Don’t you have a club to run?”
“Business is slow. So what if I want to watch your six?”
“You’re infuriating, you know that.”
“I almost lost you a few months ago, Ben. Sue me if I’m not ready to let you out of my sight yet.”
Logan shook his head. Placing his hand on the small of my back, he walked me toward the entrance of the building.
“Do you agree with what Gunner’s doing?” I asked.
Logan held the door for me and glanced over his shoulder at where Ben and Gunner were locked in a kiss. Of course. Sometimes I had a feeling they argued as often as they did as foreplay.
“I don’t necessarily agree with it, but I understand it,” Logan said. “After you were shot, I didn’t want to let you out of my sight. Still don’t.” He dropped a kiss on top of my head. “By the way, did I tell you how much I like your natural blond hair?”
“You do?” I’d gotten tired of all the dyeing and had been growing it out. The blond wasn’t the same as before, but it would take time to complete the transition. A professional could have made it better, but I didn’t like other people in my hair.
“Yeah, you’re hot all goth, but the blond is going to be so sexy once it’s all grown out.”
“It’ll take a while.”
“No matter. Whatever your hair color, you’ll always be beautiful.”
Inside the building, the air smelled faintly of antiseptic and lavender. We rode the elevator to the third floor, where Dr. Simms’s office was. As we approached, a woman behind a desk looked up, smiling.
“Hello, welcome,” she said warmly. “You must be Bloom? I’m Lisa, Dr. Simms’s assistant.”
“Yes, that’s us,” Logan said. “I’m Logan. I called to make the appointment.”
“Yes, Dr. Collier. I thought you looked familiar. Dr. Simms will be a moment as he’s wrapping up his session with another patient. You can sit if you’d like.”
“Thank you, Lisa.”
Logan guided me to the small waiting area with plush chairs and a coffee table littered with magazines. Abstract paintings hung on the wall, and in the corner was an aquarium. The lazy back-and-forth motion of the colorful tropical fish did nothing to soothe me. I felt trapped. Just like the fish.
It’s just your mind. Breathe.
“You okay?” Logan asked.
“Yeah.” I leaned into his side, resting my head on his shoulder.
“Do you want to leave? I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay.”
“But you already paid for the session.”
“Doesn’t matter. If you don’t want to, I’m not going to force you to speak to someone.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to agree that we should go. I shook my head. He believed this would help me. Saint’s mother did too. She’d practically said the same to me that Logan had. That I would probably be in therapy for the rest of my life, though the visits might get fewer.
“No, it’s fine. We’re already here, and you’re right.”
A few minutes later, Dr. Simms’s door opened, and a man stepped out. Dr. Simms’s gaze flicked over me, then shifted to Logan.
“I’ll see you again next Thursday,” he said to the man.
“You’re the best, Dr. Simms. I already feel better after our sessions.” The man gave Dr. Simms a nod, then headed for the assistant’s desk.
Logan rose to his feet, so I did as well.
“Bloom,” Dr. Simms said evenly. “I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see you again, but I’m glad you’re here. Dr. Collier, will you be joining us?”
“Not this time, but if you feel I’ll benefit from attending one of his sessions and Bloom agrees, then of course I’ll be here.”
“That’s a good idea, but we’ll revisit it.” He stepped aside. “Come on in, Bloom. We only have an hour, so let’s make the most of it. A lot must have happened since the last time we spoke.”
I glanced at Logan, who gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “I’ll be right here waiting for you to finish,” he promised.
I followed Dr. Simms into his office, which looked very different from his space at the hospital. The room was dimly lit, with bookshelves lining the walls and a mustard-colored chair. The couch seemed new and more comfortable than the one at the hospital.
“Why didn’t we ever have our sessions here?” I sat on the long couch, used to what was expected of me by now.
“You came to me through the hospital system. It would have been a conflict of interest if I had poached you away for my private practice.”
“But isn’t that what you are doing now?”
“No. After the debacle with me testifying against Dr. Collier, the hospital insisted that I no longer work on your case.”
“Oh.”
“Shall we begin, then?” He crossed his legs and rested his hands on his kneecap. “How have you been since our last session?”
“Very good, actually.” His gaze lowered to my left hand. Damn, I was twisting my engagement ring.
“Is that…” He stared at me with a look of shock.
“Yes. Logan and I are getting married in a few days.”
“When did this happen?”
“Recently.”
“And you’re getting married that quickly. Why? Is there something going on?”
I stared at the beautiful, unique ring. “He wants to give me his name, and I want it so badly.”
“I see.” Dr. Simms’s voice had dropped. I stiffened my spine, sensing our pattern returning where I expressed how happy I was with Logan and he tried to tell me how everything Logan did was exploitative and not considering my mental health.
“And of course you want his surname because you were never given one.”
“Yes, but that’s not the only reason I am marrying him.”
“Interesting.”
“What is?”
“That I never mentioned that it’s the reason you’re marrying Dr. Collier but you jumped to that conclusion. Could there be any truth in it?”
“No, I just know how you think.” I crossed my arms, suddenly feeling colder, even though the room was warm. “Look, if you’re going to criticize my relationship with Logan, I don’t want to be here.”
“I understand, and I’ll be respectful of your wishes. Is there anything else you want to talk to me about?”
I froze, my pulse quickening. “What do you mean?”
“I sense something is troubling you.”
I sat upright. “Do you have to disclose any information we talk about if it has to do with a crime?”
“God forbid no. If that were the case, our clients wouldn’t trust us. The only time we have to report what you say is if it can prevent someone from being injured. Past incidents are kept confidential.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
I chewed on my bottom lip, tugged on my shirt, then smoothed my hands down my thighs. “I lost it a few days ago.”
“What do you mean?”
“I thought Logan was cheating on me, but I found out someone wanted to harm him. I got really upset and couldn’t control my rage.”
“You…killed him?”
“Yes, and even after, I…I kept stabbing him. I haven’t told this to anyone—not even Logan—but when I was stabbing him, it wasn’t his face I was seeing.”
Dr. Simms leaned forward. “Whose face were you seeing?”
“A man. Then a woman. I think they’re my parents.”
“You were reliving what happened when you killed them.”
“I think so. I’m worried about Logan finding out. He knows I killed the man but not how he died.”
“Why are you worried about what Logan thinks?”
“Because I don’t want him to see me as a monster.”
“Do you think you’re a monster?”
The carpet had a brown spot, like someone had spilled a splotch of coffee. That stain held my focus. “Yes.”
“What if I can assure you that you’re most definitely not a monster? Do you know what you are, Bloom?”
“What am I?”
“You’re a young man with a tragic past and repressed memories. If you want to know what’s the deeper reason behind what you are today, you must find those memories and embrace them.”
“You want to use hypnotherapy again, don’t you?”
“Only because it can bring clarity to what happened so many years ago. Don’t tell me you’ve never wondered what those memories are that you’ve locked away in your subconscious.”
“I don’t think I’ll like what’s in there. Maybe it’s a good thing they’re locked away.”
“Or it can help to improve your intimacy and overall relationship with Logan. Don’t you wish for complete honesty with the man you’re about to marry?”
I squirmed, wanting to tuck my legs up to my chest. “Okay, but if I don’t like it, you have to stop.”
“Of course. You’re in control here. Let’s try a guided exercise. Trust me, Bloom. This will help.”
I nodded slowly, unsure but too exhausted to argue. He instructed me to close my eyes, his voice lulling me into a trance.
“Let’s delve into the reasons you killed that man in such a horrific manner,” he said softly. “Let’s uncover what’s truly driving you. You’re four years old. Where are you?”
His words blurred, slipping into the edges of my mind like smoke. Images surfaced, disjointed and unclear. “I don’t know.”
“Can you describe it for me? What do you see?”
“It’s dark. And cold. I’m scared. Please, I don’t like it here.”
“You’re not alone. I’m right here with you. What can you smell?”
“Shit. Urine. It smells really horrible.”
“What can you hear?”
“Nothing. It’s silent and so dark.”
“Are you sure it’s silent? Listen again.”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. Take a deep breath.”
“But it smells so horribly.”
“You’re not alone, are you? Someone else is in that room with you perhaps. Is it a man or woman?”
“I don’t know. A man?”
“What is he doing?”
“I can’t see.”
“But you can feel, can’t you? Is he touching you?”
Images flashed faster and brighter, a sensation of coarse hands on my skin. I shook my head, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. “Please don’t.”
“What is he doing?”
“Touching me.”
“Where?”
I shook my head, afraid to say. My throat constricted, a scream trapped inside as more salty tears flooded my cheeks. A sob ripped from me, and I clawed at the body hovering over me.
“Oh my god, it hurts.”
“What does?”
“What he’s doing to me. Please, please make it stop! Make it stop!”
“Bloom, you’re safe here. Please try to remember… this memory is fixed in time. It cannot harm you anymore,” Dr. Simms said softly.
Sobs rattled through me, and I curled tighter into myself. The pain was real, as if it was happening all over again.
“He won’t stop!” I screamed, scratching at my skin. Somewhere in the distance, someone shouted. That voice. I knew that voice.
“Logan? Logan, please help me. Don’t let him hurt me anymore.”
“Bloom, you’re safe,” Dr. Simms’s voice echoed in my head. “Logan’s right here with you. I want you to open your eyes at the sound of a click.”
A distinct clicking pierced my consciousness. A shudder ran through me, and I collapsed against the person holding me up.
“Bloom. Bloom, look at me.”
But I couldn’t look at him. Not after everything I now remembered. I wanted to crawl into a closet and never come out.
“You did so good, Bloom,” Dr. Simms said. “You’ve unlocked those memories you were repressing for years. I know this might seem devastating at the moment, but they’ll help you to understand why you behave the way you do. Now it’s time to process them. Take all the time you need.”
Logan laid me on the couch. “Just give me a minute, sweetheart. I’m still here.”
I pulled my knees up to my chest, hiding my face. Over my thudding heartbeat, angry whispers between the two men pulled me more and more out of my thoughts.
“Just what were you recording?” Logan asked.
“This is a private session between me and Bloom, Dr. Collier. You bursting in here and interrupting the session ruined the progress we would have made. For the first time, he remembered a vital part of his childhood.”
“That still doesn’t answer the question of why you were recording the session?”
“It’s common to record sessions like these so I can later go over every detail of what the patient said or did while in hypnotherapy so I don’t lose any important detail. Are you satisfied with the way you’re ruining his progress? If not for you, we would have made headway much sooner. Unfortunately, I will not be discussing anything else with you about Bloom. Our sessions are private and confidential.”
Relieved Dr. Simms hadn’t told Logan about me tearing apart that marshal when I killed him and what my memories were about, I wiped my face with the backs of my hands and sat up. I still wasn’t a fan of using hypnotherapy to get me to remember, but at least I knew I could trust him with whatever I said in private.
A shudder ran up my spine, and my stomach roiled. Fuck, it was even worse than I’d thought, but now I wanted to know everything. What else had my parents done to me?
“Logan, I’m fine,” I whispered hoarsely.
He rushed over to my side and kneeled on the floor next to me. “Are you sure? Let me take you home. You don’t have to go through this anymore. I’ll find a different psychiatrist for you.”
Over his shoulder, Dr. Simms was staring at me. “I can’t stop you if that’s what you want to do, but we’ve already made so much progress. Why stop now?”
I squeezed Logan’s hand. “I want to stay.”
“But…Bloom.”
“You were the one who wanted me to do this, and now I am.”
He sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry for barging in. I just hated you sounding like that.” He kissed my forehead, then climbed to his feet. “You don’t have to worry. I won’t interfere again.”
“Perhaps you should go for a walk, Dr. Collier.” Dr. Simms checked his watch. We still have twenty minutes to go.”
Twenty minutes. Not too much time left.
I can do this.